What's it like getting to climb into bed next to someone who loves you? I bet it's like a really good sandwich.

Scalding water just to feel something.

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

Why bother learning the lyrics when you can just make up your own.

I’ll draw a partial sun in the upper corner of the paper, but I’m gonna give it a full smiley face and some rays. We’re all doing the best we can.

I've never faked an orgasm but I have faked my death a couple of times.

Learned all of the music and feelings you should have as a human being just from a television experience so now I know that I am a sad and complete kind of person, I'll take it because it's closing creditsable

“I bet you could pull a plow clean through an old alfalfa field,” he complimented.

I have worked it out so that if a genie ever gives me three wishes I can help humanity but also do something about these chin hairs

omg girl you don’t need a nose job, you’re beautiful just the way you are *me, drunk talking to an opossum

You're interpretation has everything to do with you and nothing to do with me✌️

In my next life, I just want to be surrounded by fewer stupid people and more mojitos.

My new pocket watch doesn’t even work & I’m not fixin it because fuck time, but you better believe I’m gonna pull it out & tell ppl whatever time it feels like

I wonder how long it will take for all these scoundrels to turn on each other.

Can't even get somebody to relate to my universal experiences, like the ones I did for you, and you and you and gagged the whole time

I’m upper middle-age, but not the kind of upper middle-age that wants to get a call Sunday at 8:20 AM offering me a pneumonia vaccine appointment.

They say revenge is a dish best served up cold, and they say revenge is sweet. So basically, revenge is ice cream.

My steed has been waiting for me in the rain for all this time and he doesn't know it. To him, no time has passed, but I've seen worlds rise and fall before riding Pampton again

There's just something about primal fear chasing you through the woods that stop to face it cannot slay with at lore and tell

Can metamorphosis change your luck. I have no idea but I already feel like a new million bucks regurgitating this silk robe I swallowed from a casino

The gentle folding of the air.

Well I made it through the year, I suppose I’ll push myself through another one.

Server: Here’s your imitation crab. 
Me: I also ordered a Coke. 
Imitation Crab: “𝙄 𝙖𝙡𝙨𝙤 𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙖 𝘾𝙤𝙠𝙚.”

Christmas is a year away and people already have all their Christmas stuff up.

Just going to sit here for a minute while everyone else figures out I’m correct.

Like the huckleberry, I can tolerate shade but fruit better in dappled light

I get home from my journey to the Sirulian ocean, which I created by the way, only to have a kettle on the boil and my picture frames dusted. Who dares keep my place nice and tidy? I thrive in a good mess. But also please make sure to clean the window sill

I always hoped by this age I would have a two handed sword and a pack of hellhounds at my disposal.

Woodpeckers only peck wood because it's in their name, but they secretly wish to peck other things.

Are we still doing “hold my beer” jokes?

How the Grinch stole the Mona Lisa

I've been kidnapped and held for ransom if I start reposting myself.

There are pain au chocolat crumbs in my marabou cuffs, not a euphemism.

Sweet-cheeks, can you ask the unholy and dreadful spectre in ye root cellar to bring up some turnips? ‘tis almost supper

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

After giving it my undivided attention and critical eye. I once again find the proffered coupons delivered to my door in a Valpak envelope, are simply not relevant to my current needs.

pajama pants just love earning overtime pay during the holidays

You are all invited to my WTF party. Except you, Jeff. Wtf

The most comforting thing about physics is that it explains what you're doing there without all the what am I even doing here

God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence

Don't be alarmed by my obsessive use of the hot dog emoji.

I just want to be the inspiration for one country song. Is that too much to ask for?

I will not ride at dawn. That’s way too early

I hope you have a good poop today!

I'm grateful for you, friends. If you have been holidaying of late, I hope you've been having a lovely time so far—perhaps inclusive of some rest and a preferred indulgence or two, and with only minimal wist. Unless wist is your brand.

At what age are you supposed to stop checking greeting cards for gift money?

Some are born great, some achieve greatness . . . some of us post shit on social media.

I've seen the trailer for 2026, and nope I do not want that. Refund please!

Every time I hear a helicopter, I start deleting my browser history.

Imagine if being a hypocrite was punishable by death.