youre on my naughty list

*Yawns* *Stretches* *Cracks knuckles* Guess I better get started on this Christmas shopping

the animals outside my garage clearly have an agenda: make scary noises until I go back inside

Memories so old they're in black and white

What if I told you the bells weren't actually jingling. What if I told you that's how they scream.

cheese is ~ Jesus

he's a tan, but his sockline is pathetic

Dear Santa, If you could get everyone to start using Alt Text, that would be great.

it's christmas eve don't forget to set your santa traps remember the goal is to maim not kill

She's playing christian rock. I'm not dignifying it with a capital letter.

Serious question: so what now? Who is going to do something?

The best kind of social plans are cancelled social plans

Kids. Can't live with them, can't serve them for dinner.

I'm so tired of people judging me by the way I dress. I wear a hockey mask in the forest because it makes me feel more comfortable, ok?! Next, you're gonna judge me for carrying around an emotional support knife…

Went to Walmart and it’s like Thunderdome in there… I swore I saw a guy with mohawk riding around with a spear

very funny finding out someone you muted 2 years ago is still replying to your posts

The biggest takeaway from Wham’s “Last Christmas” is that you’re not special

My safe word for the holidays...enough.

Your perfume smells like eww de toilet. No, I spelled it right.

Things I will be accepting for Christmas: sick ass shit and dope fuckin stuff Things I will NOT be accepting for Christmas: Jesus Christ as my lord and savior

It's 2025, and you still can't say "Merry Christmas." You can't type it either. You also can't read it. If you think it, you will immediately get an electric shock. This is an outrage!

Maybe you weren’t being abandoned. Maybe you were being released.

disney should go back to making movies about how it’s ok to steal from rich people

Cookies aren't the only things getting baked, am I right?

With age comes manuals for appliances you don't even own anymore

Watching porn for the articles.

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

you can’t spell stress management without trees management *lights blunt*

If you play your cards right I’ll let you pull out this rogue nipple hair Me flirting

Sometimes the best Christmas present a person can give you, is their absence.

Dude who fucks cantaloupes, call that a melon baller

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.

Whenever I hear the phrase, “TikTok trend,“ my eyes reflexively roll all the way back into my fucking skull.

Kid: "Dad, why is latex so important?" Dad: "Well,son, if I used latex, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

I get so sad when I finish my first coffee of the day. I know I'll have a second one soon, but nothing beats your first. I had the whole day ahead of me when I was drinking that. The world was at my feet. Now I'm just some guy getting on with it.

I'm out here you ficuus birch

be careful today is presently tensed

I sit on a bench eating a spicy sandwich from Popeye’s. I see a group of angry chickens approaching. One of them pulls out a knife. In that moment, I know I’m fucked.

The institutions suck and I have no attachment to them if they die. Build new, better ones.

I'm at an age where I'm only 80 percent sure that this is indigestion.

Well I FINALLY got my ducks in a row! "Those are chickens" FUCK

sensitivity is our superpower

People who have to carry around the weight of their big heavy boobs all day shouldn’t have to pay taxes

holding the world at arms length is easier when you are an octopus

If nuts wanted us to eat them they wouldn’t wear armour

Woke up again with a thick butt and an attitude

nah, I know who my people are, thanks

a moment of silence for these thoughts

sorry for the foul language. im a parent so saying "what the fuck" is really just second nature at this point

Dear Santa, please burn it all down to the ground. Thanks - I have cookies for you