🚨Hey all. Layoffs have hit close to home with my partner and his entire team being cut. He's in IT as a remote database administrator, having been with an absolute great company for over 4yrs. If you or anyone you know has leads on something similar, please DM me or @wesmoodykc.bsky.social tyvm🫶👊

I didn’t reply you. Please respond.

ok wow they sure give you lots of extra skin as you age

Women have ruined ruining things

I'll fight your boss for $30

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

My last two brain cells just filed for divorce.

Hurray for Sandwich Guy, Now do Luigi

My five year plan? Probably just to say, “I’m really not feeling it today,” 1,825 times.

They are lowering the price of the appetite suppressant drugs so that people won't even be hungry. Cost of groceries, solved!

Anyone else wonder if Medieval postage was called chain mail?

what do you say we turn this breakfast nook into a breakfast home

Take what you need: ~ Eat shit ~ Have a great day

you know you’re an adult when you lick the serving spoon after putting away the remaining au gratin potatoes

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

As a stay home dad, one of my jobs is to keep my wife's stomach full and her uterus empty.

Have you tried filling your kitchen sink with warm soapy water about it?

I’d give you my other walkie talkie

My kids have bedtime zoomies. I'm hiding outside

It’s raining like a fat cow pissing on a flat rock…

everyone's haunted by a horny witch you just dont know about it

Make life more interesting by being the most absolutely batshit crazy version of you.

gonna start wearing a hat so i have something to scream into

I had to use my brain muscles today. I didn't like it

Squishy is the worst texture of thing to step on

When I see someone yawning in a passing car I like to imagine they're roaring like a lion.

Hey, neighbours - you did some good stuff yesterday. Keep it up

There are going to be a whole lot of electoral results that Mike Johnson hasn’t heard about tomorrow.

Louvre wifi password is MOANLISA69

Many of you are too young to remember Burt Reynolds in Playgirl magazine

You don’t like me? Go bitch at the universe that created me!

They're playing us for fools. Groundhogs don't even 𝘏𝘈𝘝𝘌 shadows

I thought Dick Cheney was an all-male BDSM orgy

I just realized; we’re just brains wearing people suits and pretending it’s normal.

I have severe Motivational Deficit Disorder.

*Smacks candy out of kid's hand* OMG DON'T EAT THAT -Why, is it poisoned?! Twizzler?? Gross.

Every once in awhile, beneath the fruit in one of those fruit-on-the-bottom yogurts, there should be a secret passageway to a series of forgotten catacombs.

Who called it a flesh light instead of a jack off lantern?

Naked twister and exhaustion?

my productivity plan for all this darkness is to take a million naps

wait, ALL night long??

Sex is great, but have you ever cocooned yourself in a duvet fresh out of the dryer?

Sprouting a full set of five point antlers would fix me.

Fired after one day on the building site. My brick glue was ‘runny’ and ‘not called that’ and my wall icing ‘uneven’ and ‘not called that’.

Today I learned about a 'transient anus' and it got me thinking about you

having a queer kid is everything us gen x folks loved punk rock for

I'm finding it hard to keep myself uninformed.

Hello.. new followers. I am not a political account. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

The secret to being a 𝗀̶𝗈̶𝗈̶𝖽̶ dad can be summed up in 4 words: “Go ask your mother”

If my brain had subtitles, it would be the words: dogs barking in the distance.