They should invent a machine that convert farts into pure energy so that you can charge your phone while out and about.

guys there's 30-50 feral babies on a hospital ship in my backyard

This is so embarrassing for those fucking idiots. What a joke

Me: My biggest pet peeve is people wasting my precious time. Her: Didn’t you just spend 4 hours on the couch looking at your phone? Me: That’s…that’s completely different.

Whenever I text with grown ups, I start speaking weird and saying things like "This weather is something else, isn't it?'

my sense of humor has been likened to that of a 12yo boy... which works out well for most of you

I judge people who don’t say hello to dogs.

i know it says “file is too large” silly it’s a picture of my ass

with this heat, I’ll be dead

THE TIME OF THE IMAGE IS ENDED... THE AGE OF TEXTPOSTERS IS NOW

Bluesky's media server already left for the weekend.

Where are all the other mad dogs and Englishmen?

"hey, is your dog socialized?" Buddy, I’m not socialized, so...

oh my god calm down you’re being hysterical your honor

Is this a new feature of this app? Where images and videos don't load at all? Nice

Asking how people can partake in joyful acts during a period of immense suffering leads me to believe this is your first time at the suffering rodeo.

Instead of asking for people to not use their AC in the heatwave, how about turning off the data centers instead?

when you reproduce a fart with immaculate precision: verbuttim

I’m a bit of a father figure in the sense that can we please turn off some of these fucken lights when we leave a room

Potluck is finding a fat joint in your jacket pocket.

I've always wanted to go to Santa Fe. I hope I can still one day. One day

Overrated: moving on Underrated: relentless, definitive revenge

Telltale signs of laziness: 1.

This is how I skeet

He's a 10 but I made him up

crazy that all Canadians were born on the same day but here we are

I’m beginning to think conservatives don’t die it’s like they just keep going until they rot and fall apart and the pieces are then sewn together to make another racist, phobic, misogynistic, soulless asshole Anyways coffee anyone

what do you mean you don’t put crushed up potato chips on your hot dog blocked

Real Butter doesn’t give a fuck whether you believe in it or not

There’s a stain on my pants. Thought of you.

He stole that man’s baby

things that are good are more better than things that are bad

Be nice to people. You never know who you might need help from when you're a climate refugee

Mosquitos with survival instinct are the worst

Take a fuck, leave a fuck.

Could you be any more limp?

nothing fucks me up like a holiday right in the middle of the week

roses are red, cheetahs are faster, surrender yourself to the almighty

i'm drinking coffee but it's too hot to drink so i'm mostly just looking at it

don’t worry babe we’re gonna climb a much cooler building

Having to work on either side of a public holiday is a great way to remember you don't like working

Seems kinda dumb that they built a highway that goes through the danger zone. You’re pretty much asking for it at that point.

Scary if literal: stool pigeon.

don’t call yourself the “king of the body parts black market” and show up here with nothing but a bunch of picked over fingers and toes

I can't believe I used to think that people my age were adults.

bird with impeccable taste

If your feed and bio read like LinkedIn, I have to mute you