Yes, I can actually list the top six burgers I’ve ever eaten in my life all time..

I just made one of the top five burgers I’ve eaten of all time. Oh my God it was so good….

“I have a condom from 1987 in my wallet. It’s my lucky condom!” Is it though?

Me: Fuck the plan. Me to me: *gasps*

Update: Bone and rope are both pretty fucked

Hey, you guys remember murder hornets? 2026: *diarrhea lettuce

I had a parasite removed in April. I feel a lot better now. She lives in Hartford

Don't make Life about 'Stuff' .

Sometimes, I wish I could walk up to certain people, and just knock the stupid off of them.

That’s not weird. … I say to myself before I do most things

Capital one: What’s in your wallet? Uh… a condom from 1987

WHO THE HELL!? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY… never mind I got it. -a memoir

My brain: oh.. I have 8 minutes until I have 15 minutes before I have to leave

After he votes on the s(l)ave America act!!

25 got a cat tree on Temu and she likes it but it came with no instructions on how to put it together is it a weird material and just…

He’s a 10 but refuses to stop and ask directions to pound town

I had a parasite removed in April. I feel a lot better now. She lives in Hartford

he's a 10 but he says vice-a-versa

The leeches stay on during sex

OK, never mind this movie is pretty rough… I started to remember things in the Iliad that are obviously not in this movie and they’re kind of important things. I don’t know. Still gonna smoke some weed and watch it though

Why does everybody hate on the movie Troy?

“People don’t need to know your whole story” I tell myself as I am telling people my whole story

WHO THE HELL!? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY… never mind I got it. -a memoir

Capitol One: What’s in your wallet? Uh… a Milwaukee bartending license from 2007?

Hell, I’ll pregame a nap -Wisconsinites probably

a t-shirt cannon but it’s loaded with diarrhea lettuce

This is the layout for Riley‘s memorial plaque😩

sending 17 text messages explaining why you're not crazy seems a little counterintuitive

Every time I ride in an elevator, I'm prepared to get in a James-Bond-like fist fight.

@michaelkosta.bsky.social Hey, great week. You just might be the best interviewer in the rotation. Really enjoyed this week’s shows. Punch Ronny in the face for me and tell Jordan I think I did an open mic with him once in Chicago..

ONE DAY! I just wanna go one day without having to say,” What a fucking moron.”

I’m pretty good at growing them and photographing them…

My wife strongly suggested I stop telling “your mom” jokes to our sons

Hanging a rack of ribs from the clothesline today.

Dang! I’ve already smoked a pack and a half of Canada this morning…

There are few things that enchant me as much as Mark Knopfler‘s guitar… There are a few things that disappoint me as much as Mark Knopfler‘s voice…

Like I said, it’s new bone and rope day…

FUCK I love this dog

Capital one: What’s in your wallet? Uh… a condom from 1987

Amazing meal…

I’m not saying he looks like an 80s movie bad guy…. but….

Me: idk, it just feels like everyone is ignoring me or being short with me Therapist: k

Chasing my dog back-and-forth through the apartment shouldn’t give me this much joy, right ? lol

Honestly, was thinking about betting on an England versus France final… Pretty sure God hates me

All ever ask God for is a France England final in the World Cup. Guess I know how God feels about me….

We are in the worst economy in my lifetime… But you fucking dipshits go ahead and keep supporting this idiot

There are few things more emotionally destructive than telling a pitbull mix to go away….

I’m starting to think my dating bio shouldn’t start with, “ Look, I make bad choices…”

Hey everybody, it’s new bone and rope day!!!

“AI scrapes all this music data then creates fake music. They don’t even pay the artists.” Well, I’ve listened to all kinds of music and based on that experience, I create music. Should I be paying all those artists?