“You can tell a lot about a man by his enemies.”

“If god is dead, he laughed himself to death.”

The tenth circle of hell is waiting on hold.

I think I'm out of jokes for this year.

I'm a little disappointed there isn't a ball pit large enough to really get lost in.

I'm going to need a bigger medicine cabinet.

it feels like the country woke up in a bathtub full of ice

Either my mutual feed isn't working, or all of you just unfollowed me. Could be either.

Is this STILL water? -frustrated Jesus

Apologetically pointing to my AirPod & ear while listening to a podcast is my favorite professional way to ignore people irl.

*eats chip on my shoulder

“The Goonies” and “Back to the Future” take place on the same day. (Saturday October 26th 1985)

If you see this post a chef:

Honestly, I don’t think we give clothes enough credit. - I’m cold - I don’t want to see everyone’s sex organs - I’d like to minimize bruising & bleeding - I don’t love getting salad dressing on my stomach Great job clothes. And again, I’m not high.

This was a good creepy October movie (and a bit horny).

Goldilocks has boundary issues.

recipe for flourless brownies, actually no-bake flourless brownies, actually instant no ingredients brownies, actually can make while driving a car brownies

Its swimsuit season, I whisper, eating another swimsuit

This is a powerful image

My doctor just said "whoa" when she checked my blood pressure if you're looking to get wowed.

Watching Caribbean Life in northern Minnesota during the winter to kick my seasonal affective disorder while it's down

I can remember being a sycophant like it was only "Yes, sir" day.

my differential diagnosis is you’re just an asshole

i chased two pieces of chocolate cake with an energy drink for breakfast, this is a health account now

Given all the shit going down now, I think we're going to need a bigger fan.

Some nights I throw all of my coats on the bed in the guest room so it looks like I’m having a big party.

* pulls on thermal socks * * crawls into long underwear * * lies down on couch *

The inability to feel shame should not be considered a strength.

Enjoy waking up scared shitless? Ask your doctor if this administration is right for you!

"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

Praying for someone else's sins is the ultimate "I'd like to speak to the manager"

made the mistake of telling my girl she looked tired and before the words even came out of my mouth i heard Bruce Buffer’s "let's get ready to rumble"

The heart, child-like, dresses for no reason or season.

In the end, all that matters is what two stones you chose to make fire each day.

Normal cracks a whip. Everyone slips from aspiration

The past, despite the missing parts, lugged wisdom. The present, despite the potential, wore a blindfold.

Upon the thin film of fantasy on every piece of reality, let’s trampoline.

What number is today on the countdown to goodbye old self?

For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago, Charlie Brown

me: i will not post. also me: *posting* also me: *deleting* also me: *reposting* also me: *crying*

The highlight of my Monday will be asking the plumber where he plans to penetrate the rim joist with his sillcock

full sugar whipped cream on my banana this morning, then I will run circles around my desk until they send me home

about to go Pat Benatar on a mfer

Sorry my answer to everything is wacky science but I proved it was an answer to everything by asking everything if it was and a changed subject kinda exploded

Follow up that tough conversation about wishes coming true in unexpected ways by converting to genie orthodox, getting ice cream

Filing a motion to move slowly, there's a bee on my motion to move erratically

Finally had my last words sealed in a time capsule so "It's my time to shine" will be someone else's time to shine

It was a collective discovery, the moment we realized there was enough botany in a separate collective moment for us to sigh at the same time. We were just calling the botany "plants" and turning blue in a jam

making it rain on you but it's just my thoughts and feelins