I’m emotionally sponsored by whatever’s left at the bottom of a vending machine after it’s been unplugged.

Watched THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS (1971) for the first time this evening & was kind of weepy by the end? Was not expecting such a goofy premise to resolve into a profoundly beautiful & coherent argument about fighting the cops with whimsy & desire & the irrepressible fullness of one’s dreaming self

I noticed; I always notice

Stuck in the middle, I forgot the beginning and didn’t foresee the end.

let me skeet to your manager

Getting a cyanide tooth but with butterscotch pudding instead

how many years are supposed to be in a single January again?

Not my main, not my alt, but a third much dumber account

If your post is more than two lines, I’ve stopped reading

We played guns when I was a kid but the bad guys were ALWAYS Nazis and giant radioactive ants.

if you want new ideas, read old books

A funny bit I like to do is completely mess up my sleep schedule on the weekends and then be up for over 30 hours on a Monday.

I've been high but never "my dog is threatening to reveal my family secrets" high

i only have one setting and it doesn’t get better, buckle up shitheel

Heard you was talkin' shit.

Ever walked into a room and forgot how to feel?

If my grandpa knew how little we spent on his funeral, he’d turn over in his cardboard box.

I’ve dedicated my entire life to perfecting the art of opening the fridge, looking inside, and sighing as if the groceries betrayed me.

we all went to high school with someone who became an ICE officer and guess what we all hated him then, too

Smoking a brisket with a BBQ flavored vape.

How far into performing a lobotomy on myself could I get before I wasn’t able to do it anymore

Love bombing with molotov cocktails.

Long story short, the morgue has a strict policy against playing "Is it cake?"...

My jump scare reflex is so sharp that I haven't been allowed to drink red wine during horror films for over two decades.

♡

Can’t, I’m doing self loathing January.

Im not stressed, im simply a person experiencing 2026

Cut out the legal threats. There’s no proof that “The Great Chuck” hypnotized anyone into believing they were visiting a much better zoo.

It doesn't hurt to buy more chocolate

stone henge gonna look dope when it's done I bet

irrelevant your honor my client has never made a secret of loving pikachu in all senses of that word

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Strength-training, but it's just me carrying around the weight of my responsibilities

Must've been pretty cool just floating around in the old days before newton fucked it all up with his gravity law

The existence of a Good Charlotte implies the existence of a better band

Heard you was talkin’ shit.

Heard you was talkin’ shit.

I say really bad words here, but in my defense, I'm trying to teach you the language of my people.

The family that plays together, stays together.

Follow me for my amazing food. Block me for the innuendo pics.

if not gestapo, why gestapo shaped?

heard you was talking’ shit

looking forward to therapy only because I’ve got a fat J for afterwards. s’okay though, I haven’t seen her in 2 weeks it’s gonna be great (terrible).

breaking up with a friend as an adult is weird

I bet you're over circumcised

if you never want a divorce, marry someone who’s as lazy as you

Heard you was talkin’ shit.

legend tells of a fifth loko