“Who are the ones that we kept in charge? Killers, thieves, and lawyers” youtu.be/W9mhsW5aWJM?...

Live Love Lube

The FBI called to tell me that they intercepted my dick pics and that I now owe them a new "zoom and enhance" button

Kings of Leon’s ‘Sex on Fire’ is my favorite song about the dangers of STI proliferation

Shoutout to @paperbackparadise.bsky.social @skeptyk.bsky.social and I are huge fans of your bookmarks!

Sometimes you just have to say fuck it, and do what what makes you smile.

Seductively takes a double dose of cranberry pills

"Clutching at air"

I hope this email does not find you I hope you are free

I’m so glad I’ve reignited my love of reading as of late. Keeps me from reading all the depressing shit online.

And cats. So many cats 😻

Cloudy with a chance of brain fog.

i love it when people here take me seriously. you do realize i’m just a blathering idiot, right?

If someone tells you you're an absolute godsend, remember they may mean like a plague

Pills aren't enough - please sugar coat all of my things

A movie that takes place where you are from (or at least where I’ve lived for the last 20 years)

I haven’t been alright since I became self-aware.

Chopsticks is the correct way to shovel BBQ pulled pork into your face hole.

Wondering if I could crawl into my own womb like some kind of Cronenberg armadillo and roll away to the sea

C’mon guys.. does ANYONE remember America’s safe word ?

This den of fornication and harlotry has me hovering on the brink of virtue.

Me: Thanks for doing the dishes. SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON: STORE THE SILVERWARE CORRECTLY OR HAVE YOUR LIMBS TORN ASUNDER AND USED AS PARTY FAVORS AT THE GALA OF OUR DARK LORD.

Don't dream it's over. Don't dream, it's over. Comma's a bitch.

"Your laugh is like a sunset," I say right before I nail gun my hand to the frame of a revolving door

it’s called 7-eleven because it’s open 7 hours eleven days a week

sorry we lost touch over the years ~me, to reality

I’m unraveling in slow, uneven threads, stumbling through the wreckage of promises I kept believing. The floor keeps shifting, hands that should’ve held me never did - not in the ways I needed. I don’t know the map, or the next step - but I’m pulling myself up with torn hands, choosing myself.

It’s easy to get out of bed when it’s still dark. It’s finding the will to live that’s the challenge.

Looking for someone to shoot me in the jugular with a tranquilizer dart. No weirdos

The world is not cruel It is only the cruelty of some That make it seem so So wherever you find softness Hold it, my friend Hold it as if it were a found prayer And you still believed in religion

apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy

It seems Petsmart has a strict policy against customers testing cat litter... PS: Arm & Hammer Slide works the best.

buttholes in the wind all they are is buttholes in the wind

your mom does nasty stuff for prosecco

You can’t sing or play an instrument but you start a band because you heard the term “dark urine” on a prescription med commercial and it just felt right.

After reviewing the multitudes of options with Medicare, Medicare Gap, and Medicare Advantage, I've come to the conclusion that Luigi didn't go far enough. Fucking real criminals right there.

My internet was down for so long, I almost had an original idea!

I put on pants AND left my apartment. Someone please notify my therapist

💜💜💜 youtu.be/ISKQDCLpDSY?...

People that can’t choke out an apology when they very clearly did wrong? They just be extra nice and kiss your ass royally so you’ll forget? Fuck those people.

Two, four, six, eight, how do we dissociate?

The only list I’m on. music.youtube.com/watch?v=z6Rq...

“Jesus, I’m tired. So fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If some girl came up to me, begged me to fuck her, I couldn’t do it. That’s how tired I am.”

I was having an episode but skipped ahead. Already seen that one.

🤣

Ties you up with your red flags and tickles your feet.

Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.

Me: I need the utmost privacy in phones, chats, searches Also me: posts every thought that enters my mind online

My piano teacher on Caturday.