I never know what is happening on this site and that is my promise to you when you elect me as your mayor

Happy Trans Day of Visibility! if you disagree this is your chance to fuck off and out of my feed

favorite thing about being a cutie patootie is the severe clinical depression.

if i skip toothbrushing tonight i gain an extra two minutes of posting time so here we are

This pizza place is acting like they’ve never delivered a pizza deep into the forest before.

I hope those of you who I stalk (gently) appreciate my love and affection (platonic)

Trust me, I don't know what I'm doing

[eating pineapple] my mouth: hey so quick question what the fuck me: worth it my mouth: i am dissolving

i wish i could pay someone to go through menopause for me

Hang me on a meat hook for my funeral viewing

Does anybody know what my problem is?

if i ever say i’m not in the mood for pizza please call 911

happy trans visibility day, my darlings, ilu! 🏳️‍⚧️ 🩷

*tears streaming down my face* … I have trained for this moment.

*deepthroating a stick of salted butter* love is love

[in shower] “time to clean the traps,” i announce as i start scrubbing my underwear area

Maybe God is mad at us because we had the hubris to claim we could build bears.

you should go to prison if you’re mean to me

one day closer to halloween

Nurturing my cognitive decline on the internet

[winks] hey there tiger, wanna come over and see my collection of silica gel packets

“draw me like one of your french girls” “im better at drawing than they are, are you sure?”

are you into disgusting old women? -me, flirting

It’s 4:20, when the cool kids smoke their doobies. Meanwhile, I just finished vacuuming, which is its own kind of high, I suppose.

Opening a box of butter and shaking out a stick like a cigarette

A ghost saw me but no one believes him.

There’s only one logical thing to do now. Eat cheese.

Sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my pants.

get real, nobody is calling you a space cowboy let alone a gangster of love

I ain’t wearing no stinkin bra today

yall don't even know how funny and charming and hot I am

Have I ever told you about the time I went chasing waterfalls? No, I haven’t. Because I stuck to the lakes and rivers that I’m used to. Because I listen to good advice.

I told my mom about you (derogatory)

i would take a walk for my mental health, but i don’t think there’s enough miles in Ohio to fix me

since we’re talking about it, hello kitty is both a cat AND a girl. it’s a maureen ponderosa situation.

“this too shall pass”, i say when i notice you’ve been holding the blunt too long in the rotation

can’t make it to church today, i’m busy eating deep dish pizza

As an adult, you're going to get the urge to return to hobbies, like reading, that you used to enjoy as a kid... it is very important that you do so, and start doing things that bring you joy again.

destiny’s child was right, you weren’t ready for this jelly

“I need to talk to you about something later” No please tell me now or I’m going to pull out my hair and crash out

i’ve realized that i’m actually not too much & everyone who thinks that is just too little!!!

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

(waking in a cold sweat 42 hours after trying to remember something) Todd. The second oldest boy's name was Todd.

if i had one piece of advice for the youths it would be to embrace your cringe early and unapologetically

Froyo is dangerous because I walk in thinking a little treat and walk out with a bowl that costs $11.73

don’t name your chickens before they hatch if you’re gonna use them later in a crime.

getting low to that ice cream truck beat

ate a whole pot pie like 3 hours ago and i’m still not high