Church cigarettes, holy smokes

impact hammers should have a dildo attachment send

MY FIRST TIJUANA BIBLE IS ALMOST FINISHED!!!!

I think the question we should all be asking is, “do you know how beautiful I am?”

i can’t offer you any advice on How to Win Friends and Influence People but i’d be happy to share what i know about How to Disappoint Your Family

sometimes i forget we aren’t all in the same time zone and see posts from like 2am my time & think “WOW some of you really don’t have a good sleep schedule”

him: would you say you’re silly? me: i’m half goose, on my dads side

nothing quite like the sound of a vibrator in the morning

Dogs arent birds and everyone knows that

Killing a mocking bird sounds super easy tbh I dont think I need to read an entire book about it

Good dogs should be allowed to drive cars as a treat

If youve got 99 problems, i feel bad for you, son Cuz im about to make it worse

ME: draw me like one of your french girls POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: that’s not how this works

if i lived in a magnificent palace guarded by a legion of valiant knights and a terrifying dragon I'd have my tits out like all the time

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

off work until tuesday, it’s party time (i’m gonna eat garbage and play video games in my underwear)

Hey, you did a good job today. I'm proud of you

The love of my life is out there squinting their eyes in the darkness on the way to the bathroom and running into walls

dressing for the job I want (cryptid)

the feminine urge to say i told you so

All panties are edible if you’re not a quitter

felt cute, might get in a death cab later.

Forgetting I have Apple Cash money is the closest I’ll ever feel to generational wealth

i am *trying* but failing to look like i’m doing Work™ today

I need to bite someone

having my device in light mode would feel like i’m being screamed at by my phone and i could never

hot take but just being alive and housed shouldn’t be so fucking expensive.

seasoning my cast iron dildo

More tattoos would fix me

The people that raw dog life without a screen protector on their phone scare me

i wish i could detach my head from my body when i feel a migraine coming on

if i ever hit 10k followers i will finally log off and know peace

let’s get matching tattoos and donuts

fuck yeah. they're gonna let me unlock 15% off. been waiting my whole life for this

this would fix me

let me step on your neck in stilettos while Glory Box is playing so i know it’s real

wake up cutie, them curbs ain’t gonna hit themselves

having been raised in a survival environment, I see the world differently than those that were raised in a loving, nurturing environment.

i’m finally winning i’m at the top of the pizza hut points leaderboard

I've graduated from basic bitch to advanced bitch ask me how

what if I broke into your place, total home invasion style, just to tell your pets I l love them

one thing about bluesky never changes. there’s always something else i’m supposed to be doing.

I’m shy at first and then gradually turn insane.

you bog witch *me flirting*

Oh sure, everyone likes the weird girl when they want to get rid of a curse

go.bsky.app/AqLM3Sw eat up!

I think your dog would really like me

who wanna come over and share a frozen pizza with me? i’ll eat the pizza and you can eat the box

filling my weekly pill organizer with mini corn dogs