it should be illegal for them to make dresses without pockets

pronounces thursday like ugh

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

I’m doing the opposite. All the nuts November

The revolution will be big titted

Big titted goth bimbos for the communist revolution

The revolution will look like this

man I do love a voice note

Ever wonder how much batter one of these dispensers will put out? Take a seat next to me at the waffle machine and let’s find out.

my biological mother asked me if i ever talk about her in therapy…bro you are the verse, the chorus, the bridge, and the refrain

i’d prefer if you gave it to me gay

oi its election chewsday innit, better get yer arse to the bloomin’ poll

hey, i have good posts but you don’t know them they live in canada

my bad, i legitimately thought dick cheney was already dead

Before you send that DM, think to yourself, “would I want her to say this aloud when we’re reading our vows?”

O Library, O Library! How lovely are your branches

Sprouting a full set of five point antlers would fix me.

I just want to fall asleep as the little spoon

mutual admiration is my kink. it’s rare, but it’s still out there

The holidays are just around the corner, and frankly I'd prefer they just stay there

You don’t get a body like mine by sitting around on the couch. You also have to eat tons of junk food.

I don’t think before I speak. I just send it and hope it wasn’t weird

I've stopped boosting pics without alt text.

How nutrient-dense is Grimace meat, McDonald's?

I set my clock back two hours last year, so I'm all set

just because i don’t have anything to say doesn’t mean i’m not going to say something

they should invent a cuddle you can do alone

tying off my arm so i can shoot up some gravy

i was away from home for a few days and *my boyfriend moved out* *i can’t find my favorite vibrator*

My favorite part of the healing stage: the itchies!

something new 🐝

“I’m an ideas man,” I say, and shove another lightbulb in my mouth.

I want to have lots of books with you.

Going out to meet new people: 👎 Going out to meet new cats and dogs: 👍

I think everyone deserves to have their basic needs met no matter what and making sure that happens should be the primary purpose of government

according to the latest polls everyone is still mad at you

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one

Ugh. Told a coworker to “old yeller” me out back and they digitized, remastered and restored me.

Everything is just so exhausting all the time.

it took almost 45 years but GUESS WHAT I CAN DO NOW

say what you will about Thanksgiving leftovers but Halloween leftovers are the best

The only way I'm going to be convinced to buy a sex robot is if it makes dial up modem noises when I cum

Drug testing people for food assistance is just telling people who have addiction (which is a disease) that they should fuck off and starve to death. I don't believe in starving people because of health conditions.

Undocumented immigrants don't get SNAP benefits. Thet should, though, if they need it. Making people starve to death is fucking evil. Going across an imaginary line is not.

a guy down the street from us is giving out garlic bread and i need a few more costumes

Me, getting kidnapped: I could eat.

My doctor says I’m too pretty to be depressed

I am dressed as an anxious middle aged woman for Halloween because that is also what I dress like all year

dressing as a little cutie pie for halloween (it’s just my regular clothes)

Ahh this seems like the perfect time of year for me to disguise myself this evening and go beg the townspeople for snacks