slides into your DMs to see if you’re crashing out or just joking

ssh ssh ssh rn we need to use our inside brain

getting lost in the sauce sounds amazing

growing out my bush to make wigs for my haunted dolls

selling my bathwater to strangers on the internet so they can turn into mermaids too

my head is so loud and yet if you asked me what i'm thinking about i would have to say "the void, but like... aggressively"

Me: [dog dies in a movie] *crying* [human dies in a movie] Me: *still crying* Why did they have to kill that dog earlier?

i text’d my wife that i was having a bad day and to cheer me up she sent me a picture of our cheese drawer in the fridge

quiet down guys it’s time for my nighttime medicine (a Little Debbie brownie and an energy drink)

what’s wrong babe? you’ve hardly touched the corn dog i microwaved for you

I'm right handed. And left handed. I have two hands.

you guys I think pride worked today I woke up gayer than I was when june started

prescription strength poutine is this anything

White people love saying some shit like my favorite color is freedom

making the shadow puppets on my wall do porn while wearing extra penises

I only purchase small antique dolls so I have a fighting chance when they come alive at night and try to kill me

my nipples are itchy, are you thinking about them

I hope your underwear doesn't stick to you during the heatwave

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask

BREAKING: Pride Month Extended Indefinitely

let someone know you care by giving them a work boner 🥰

Everything I've ever done has been for the secret camera that's always filming me.

slept on the couch because my vibrator kicked me out of bed

visit any bar in Tennessee, and you can find a woman named somethin like Flat Janice to give you a handy in the doorless bathroom stall. she’ll have the voice of a smoker and the heart of an angel

no, not “a date to the bakery,” a bread date

hey girl lemme take you on a bread date

horny for some garlic bread

Every recipe says “four servings.” What a funny way of saying all for me

i shouldn’t be signing into a teams meeting, i should be picnicking in a forest under a giant mushroom umbrella

I’m fine. Just a little bit worried about everything all the time.

women should be weirder and more off putting

i am pure of heart but right next to it are my boobs which are full of evil

fun first date idea: i come over and spend the next few days hanging out in your air conditioned home

Judging purely by its name, the food and drug administration would be an kickass place to work

Reverse cowgirl so you can pick bugs from my back like an ape

Whenever a celebrity is trending

me: *pronouncing chaos like cows* this is absolute cows

Maybe we should give strange women lying in ponds distributing swords a go as a system of government. How bad could it be, honestly

forget nude photos, send miniature watercolors (was not expecting the thumbnail to go all in on this joke)

i’m gonna to start hitting the gym next week or maybe next never

kissing my moots with tongue, platonically

i bet it feels so cool to be a slinky going down the stairs

You missed the whole point of the film. It’s a story about a man named Ernest. Who goes to camp

It's so hot you could fry my brain on drugs outside.

I’m in that awkward phase between college and nursing home

it’s sadly getting to the point where i can either be informed or i can be sane

i need a witch to turn me into a patch of moss, preferably before the work day begins

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

braiding flowers into my bush

we need a joe camel for the left