I hope I stay horny forever.

Whatever you do, don’t drop the snacks.

Find you someone who looks at you like I look at my fully charged vibrator.

A friend that knows how to request a video chat from me.

🎶Cut my jeans into pieces These are my fancy jorts🎶

Now some of you might say: "But Deeny, how can you post porn at a time like this?" To which i say Yes

YOUR relationship with computer is bad and sucks. MY relationship with computer is healthy and perfect. we are not the same

anybody can make country music, it’s easy, watch. i just made this song up, ready? here goes. “give me a cold beer bröther let’s go drunk driving in the tractor brôther” and then a banjo solo starts

I say the same thing about balls when I play Pokemon 🏆👑 Congratulations @sireviscerate.myatproto.social from @vtbee80.bsky.social

not saying menopause is making me emotional but i just teared up about a burger king commercial

*playing Subnautica 2* dang, i'm glad the ocean isn't real

Man or woman… if you’re feeling sexy and confident, I’m all for it. Flaunt that shit! We all deserve to be worshipped properly

Parenting tip: try and guess better than your parents did

yeah, i’m in

"we saw you from across the bar and really dig your vibe..."

Showing up to a party at an old mansion and the host is dressed like this with six different weapons placed behind him

actually, there's plenty of circumstances where violence *is* the answer

I don't like going out on weekends because there's other people out there

trimmed my bush to provide warm homes for all recently displaced local wildlife

You put your right foot in You put your right foot out You're not really certain about this whole pit of abandoned limbs yet

would you eat me as your last meal

i'm afraid of beautiful women

going to the club (book club)

my body is a temple and i am the landlord as well as the pastor

my gf and I can't agree on vacation spots. she wants to go to the Bahamas, and I want to leave the solar system

Why does women's perfume smell like flowers and longing whilst men's cologne smellike thumb tacks and regret?

snuggle time 🧡

I don’t know why the color of the chip clip has to match the bag of chips it’s goin on it just does

just yesterday i learned that Panera made “lemonade that kills you” and now i’m so thirsty

*You* can see it just fine and understand the context, alt text isn’t *for* you. your preference is immaterial to accessibility for those who need it.

Alt text is largely for the benefit of people with limited vision, it describes what the photo is, but has other benefits to people who aren’t visually limited such as providing context. art isn’t just for people who can see perfectly. if it’s worth sharing it’s worth making it accessible to all

in my next life i’ll be able to set things on fire with my mind

ive Come a long way for a girl who used to chew on batteries for that zip zappy flavor

normalize simping for ur friends . yes girl ur perfect & can do no wrong my beautiful stunning angel baby i am so in love with u give me a kiss

it’s time to stop crying on my lunch break and get back to crying at my desk

dance like everyone is watching and this is their punishment

adding a big handful of lego to my smoothie so I get my recommended daily dose of microplastics

i always get great customer service with one simple trick: i'm ridiculously nice to people who work in customer service and I treat them like people

did ALF write this?

cats are pretty good. have you tried cats?

the peanuts gang hits puberty and one by one their voices turn into baffled trumpet noises.

self-deprecation as an artform

Turns out being insufferable is easy.

acab (anyone can appreciate booty)

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donut stands for today i will do nuthing

*skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* -me, in the car, after starting my favorites playlist

the first layer of butter on toast or bagel is just the primer. you gotta let that melt into the foundation before applying the real layer of butter.