they should invent edamame that i can steam and eat in the shower

honestly i think i just need to lie down for the rest of my life

Who called it vodka instead of Taterade?

sometimes i lose my shit and then realise i've posted it

asking my followers to stick with me as my account won’t really takeoff until season four

guys, don’t forget to drink water. you don’t deserve to be depressed AND dehydrated.

If you’ve never taken yourself out to a solo lunch, you should.

what if we vote my dog in as president

he has an amazing side profile

*stepping out the ISS airlock for a walk with nothing but my spacejorts on*

omg you all are so silly!!!!!!

when i know i won’t be going out anymore for the day my bra should automatically disintegrate like the sandman in that spider-man movie

Collects all my emotional baggage and puts it into the recycling can outside.

i’m sorry for what i said when i was talking

Excuse me while I slip into something more down a ravine.

please respect my privacy while i grow out the bangs that i cut too short

a “baby on board” sticker for the back of my car but it’s just me, i’m the baby

You think you’d like meeting me in person but basically everyone I know has lost me on a walk, I assume it’s pretty distressing

I hope rainbows always excite me.

You remind me of season 3 Andy Bernard (derogatory)

if you make a mistake don't worry it's just god’s way of showing you how wrong you really are

Hey guys, anybody else out there feel that the world was never meant to be on fucking fire for this long, and it's no wonder that no one is really doing okay?

Does the Bible not teach us informer you know say daddy me snow me I go blam, a a licky boom-boom down?

kinda wild that i’m gaining weight when all i do is never stop eating

i'm at my clits end

letting my legs feel the breeze in their hair

hey babe, build a lego waffle house & chill? 👉👈

we can decide money is worthless and start paying each other in stickers, they can't stop us

What are you doing with your life? Me: it's a surprise.

Of course, people adore me. I'm adorable. *does a silly thing*

just woke up in a pit laying on top of a pile of bones

you should be allowed to call 911 just to chat

idk why i said that but yeah

not to brag but i can still fit into the same size panic attack i wore in high school

weird to think that some of y'all might be real people

you can fill your bra with tater tots no one will stop you

If an evil mastermind asked me to do their bidding I’d probably do it, I just like being helpful

I'm just looking for some prescription-strength orgasms here, man

The problems started when we stopped treating mental illness with vibrators and cocaine

“i asked ChatGPT” yeah well i asked a magic 8 ball

"I asked ChatGPT" Yeah well I asked Teddy Ruxpin.

oh yeah, but can you do this..... *blank stares at the wall

my big titties should make me immune to depression

mirror mirror on the wall, it wouldn’t hurt you to hype me up a bit

wearing a rainbow clown wig merkin so you’re not surprised when i squirt in your face

things are bad but at least I’m getting a lot of practice curling into a ball

why yes, i am a cute little angel baby. thank you

I thought I was full of emotions but it's just ghosts

idk why i have to work a full-time job, i’m literally just a girl