just 2 dumb bitches sending “butlerian jihad today, queen?” back and forth to each other

big bill shakes is goated. sorry but i will never entertain the argument that he’s overrated. to write something like this and have it ring with such tremendous clarity four centuries later would be incredible if he pulled it off once but he did it dozens of times

alright i’m at 7k, here it goes: we all exist within a giant cosmic pussy

“most importantly, you need to have proper form and posture so you don’t hurt yourself” —ted talk on farting

let’s get matching tattoos and donuts

good morning, thursday morning, i hope you escape the time loop, friends

Molumbo

"rich dipshit owner doesn't understand the industry he's bought into and clumsily destroys what made it good" feels less like a narrative unique to the washington post and more like the music that's been playing in the background of all our lives for at least 40 years

“Abide by the same rules as local police” You mean the ones who killed George Floyd?

Moon said “stay toxic, queen”

tcg deck building is mood boarding for nerds

i want the trust of every animal gonna bay for the blood of those that are hurtin ya

Legit question for Punxsutawney Americans — How do I kill the 30-50 feral Phils that run into Gobbler’s Knob within 3-5 minutes while my small selectmen wear tophats

Fuck yeah unleash the groundhogs.

kissing girls 🥵

pretty women 💕💕💕

“Squirt,” by Johnny Cash

feels good to be back

irish dudes will be like “hi nice to meet you i’m Claidheamh” and his name is literally just Clive

this is who runs this account

12 Angry Shitposts

sending you three tongue emojis, respectfuly

sorry Fiona, but if Shrek had met “Garlic Bread Princess” (my OC) he would have been in love even harder

I’d love a New York slice right about now

worshipping your titty, because it’d be presumptuous to worship them both without permission

flipping you off, not as an insult, but just so you can see how long and elegant my fingers are

at the start of the evening i was Drinking Wine (sophisticated), but now i’m Drinking Wine (desperate)

women getting dumped by straight men: marry me

girl are you a common preventative measure before a winter storm? because yr making my faucet-head trickle

Life as a beautiful woman with 1 million gigs of RAM

Jon Arbuckle is in the files but Dagwood Bumstead is not

no pattern will ever go as hard as different variants on this design

mouth-first learner. what's boobs

showering together, but wearing a t-shirt because i’m embarrassed

going to karaoke just to scream the cowboy part from Kirin J Callinan’s “Big Enough”

soaping up my tiddies, but in a god-honoring way

a hit dog hollers

i bet Tigger and Eeyore had some wild sex

Nor’easter??? i ‘ardly know ‘er!!

happy frigay to all my favorites gays, theys, bros, and hoes 💕💕💕 glad you’re here

good morning, thursday morning, i hope you escape the time loop, friends

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have SCOOBY DOO: rabies SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

official gogurt

I just want what every guy wants, a thick thighed roller derby girl to squat over my face.

[throws a bouquet into the crowd at a funeral to decide who dies next]

I’m reminded of the HILARIOUS primary debate appearance of Lincoln Chafee in 2015, where he admitted on stage that he voted for the Iraq War at his first ever roll call because he “had just arrived in DC and didn’t have a chance to read the bill.” anyway, negligence during fascism is complicity.

Wake up, I had a dream about Linda Ronstadt’s cameltoe again.

if I were an old sea captain I would have my guys sing sea shallys instead of shantys. gotta keep a can do attitude out there on the high seas

“In Fable, you can buy up every house and business in town, become a wealthy landlord, and make villagers homeless!” ghoulish