What would truly fix us is a Government Slutdown

MARSH NO, YOU GOT TOO SLOPPY BROTHER

they should invent a knowing about things that doesn't cause psychological pain

THIS PHILLIES GAME IS STARTING TO GET STRESSFUL

why do Tesla people Drive Like That (derogatory)

you should have to pass a basic IQ test before being allowed to drive in the left lane

im gonna make all yall mad: both brands taste the same and theyre both aight. its Whataburger spicy ketchup where its at

eating pumpkin seeds by the handful until i Become Pumpkin™

Tom Bombadil seems like the ultimate self-insert for a wife guy, Tolkien’s lady must have been hot af

good morning, thursday morning, i hope you escape the time loop, friends

Am I “into Pynchon?” Hell yeah I’m into Pynchon…into Pynchon them ass cheeks, what up girl

boss and coworker discussing the anointing of David in the office, but *i’m* the asshole when i bring up the lore inconsistency???

who wanna be civil war penpals?

tongue for lease

two in the terms & one in the services

used to be people in Austin knew how to pronounce “Mueller,” but i’m sure a lot of Gen Z and Alpha native Austinites don’t know anymore. Koenig, Guadalupe, and Manchaca are other dead giveaways

if you ask me, MONDAY the 13th is a whole lot scarier than FRIDAY

First update: got a callback proudly confirming that the meds…have left California, as is already visible in the public tracking information. I know where they are, UPS, the problem is that i lost 4 days because your stupid asses sent them cross country. No confirmation yet on actual expediting.

good morning, please help me manifest success for Kaitee the overseas UPS call center supervisor who is going to try to escalate the case of my missing meds

anybody have an uncle or something who works in UPS operations, my medication decided to go on a little detour from Richmond to fucking California and I need it here, like, YESTERDAY.

tiktok witches are at it again

good morning, why is it morning??

me: fardin out my derrière

19th Century piss performer billed as The Urination Sensation

gotta strike while the iron's sexy

women 😍😍😍

Girl, are your opinions mushrooms because that was a shiitake

Boo Berry flavored pussy for spooky season.

every time i see “mastodon” and it’s about the weird app and not the wildest white boys in the 404, i’m disappointed

INDIA FOXTROT UNIFORM ROMEO ROMEO ECHO ALPHA DELTA INDIA NOVEMBER GOLF TANGO HOTEL INDIA SIERRA UNIFORM ROMEO GOLF ALPHA YANKEE

damn, beloved jokes from our childhood really havent aged well am i right???

"I couldn't keep up with sexy Winona Ryder and her huge tits" is a sentence you wouldn't be able to torture out of me

she sheetz on my bucee til i wawa

i love having my siri on Australian because i get to do the funniest accent possible to set a hands free timer, and also she mispronounces all my friends’ texts

if i had a “kill all robots and AI” button, i would slap it so fast my hand would break the sound barrier

i love when we sit on couch and look at phone, but together

you’re cruisin’ for a snoozin’, buster

Do not come on my posts and “um actually” me if i don’t know you, you WILL be blocked 💕

this is your reminder that there is a hobbit in LOTR named “Daddy”

mario…my brother…come save me

guys i woke up and now im going back to sleep. such is the life of someone who has tons of sex and is well fulfilled in all manner of activities.

rereading LOTR from the beginning, can’t wait to get to Rivendell so i can imagine all these faces

thinking back to the time when i helped manage social media for a cutting edge consumer tech startup (which is now owned by Amazon lol). in my opinion, the single most impressive person on the team was one of the chief engineers, who was brilliant to an overwhelming degree.

steampunk obama be like "uhhh let me be gear"

just took the best pee of my life, AMA