On noah's ark, two of the fish were being SUPER loud and Noah needed them to be quiet! So he went up to those loudass fish and said "Shh! Be quiet on the ark!" and the fish said, "WHAT?" and noah said, "Shh! Ark!" and that is how we got the name "Shark." this has been bible stories with alexis simps

they should invent a social media that’s run by normal, sane people

eat the rich includes your fav actors/actresses & singers 🤗

i need more sam rockwell dancing

mentally i am reaching toward a candy bowl held by a scarecrow that might be my neighbor waiting to scare me

maybe this app had the juice at one point but all juice turns to piss eventually

me for the entire month of october

Julius Caesar. But did he ever really get to know her?

somebody come get her, she’s stealing all my liquor

no one is allowed to talk about the new episode of peacemaker until i’ve watched it

if your soul is good street cats will befriend you

I write skeets not tragedies

let’s hold hands while they reset the simulation

been walking up a bunch of hills lately, so my ass is looking fabulous

sorry if i’m being weird, its because i haven’t gotten my daily recommended serving of attention yet

i need more sam rockwell dancing

Keeping a bucket of eyeballs next to my desk to keep an eye on my pile of bones

did you know when he kicked the helmet it actually- *gets smothered*

cackling as the crags on my face deepen further to reach my true crone form

me for the entire month of october

Beelzebub ᵉ ᵉ has a devil put aside ᵉ ᵉ For me e e For me e e m For

I could run a social media platform without becoming insane. rip to everyone else but I'm built different

if your email finds me then next i’m finding you

AITA? i run a lemonade stand and frequently have a duck come to inquire if i have any grapes, which i do not. i threatened to glue him to a tree if he didn’t stop but now im feeling guilty. so, aita?

i gave myself a stomachache but by eating these yummy peanut noodles so it’s not a complete fail

i think if you allow transphobes on this platform we should be allowed to bully them. it’s the circle of life.

pluto you'll always be a planet to me fuck the haters

Pumpkin spice eye drops. The burn means it's working.

Why am I like this? Nature, nurture and drugs

Bad news guys, I woke up as a weirdo again. Probably means I slept weird, too

i actually love the discover feed until i end up seeing a man in a diaper

AIO? every night when i go to sleep, i notice something under me that just keeps me from resting. my partner insists on adding new mattresses every time, making the bed taller and taller. i'm scared im gonna fall off. am i overreacting?

the internet used to scream and moan horribly when you tried to access it. i think it was trying to tell us something

it’s my time to shine

alexa, extend october another 30 days

if your email finds me then next i’m finding you

excited to eat some mac and cheese tomorrow

I need a Shazam-type app to identify what movie my neighbor is watching

y’all can hate shuffling your whole music library but you’ll never pry it from my fingers. i LOVE going from denzel curry to ambrosia. i LOVE musical whiplash

i wish i had the power to give someone a butt chin whenever i wanted

Don’t invite me to your party unless this is the vibe

AITA? i run a lemonade stand and frequently have a duck come to inquire if i have any grapes, which i do not. i threatened to glue him to a tree if he didn’t stop but now im feeling guilty. so, aita?

Lighting myself on fire instead of showering

mud scamp approved account

I'm a single issue voter now, my issue: revenge

etsy witches, i see what you’ve done for others… 🔮