i would like it to make my enemies bleed from their eyes

Becoming ungopherable

as the founding member of the butthurt meatworkers union,

We live in Nancy Reagan’s nightmare

he doesn’t want me confirmed

make no mistake, i am all about spreading love & positivity, but i am a woman in america who loves municipal waste

love fall, if it gets below 70 degrees everyone starts dressing like they’re about to go fox hunting in a jane austen novel

What do you mean it’s a jar? It just looks like a door to me

@grilldcheese.bsky.social are you okay

honk if your horn works

Equus by Peter Shaffer (1973)

there’s so many hot guys at this method one acting clinic

"Enjoy your kibble, shitcake" was not the retirement toast I'd hoped it would be.

I’ll reply to your post 10 months after the fact, without hesitation, I am built like that

i say “irregardz” instead of “irregardless” because it’s somehow one worse

cavemen be like "i've got to go take my bunga class now"

release the ephuntersteinfilelaptopbidenbox

I get that the news cycle is packed right now, but I just heard from a colleague at the Smithsonian that this is fully a GIANT SQUID BEING EATEN BY A SPERM WHALE and it’s possibly the first ever confirmed video according to a friend at NOAA 10 YEAR OLD ME IS LOSING HER MIND (a thread 🧵)

When making a turkey sandwich, any additionally added meats (in this case- ham) count as vegetables.

i am going to become a billionaire by inventing fake boobs you can wear on your ass

i finally googled cloaca. you guys are nasty.

it’s the shamwow guy

Stop being violent to the gangs of armed masked men coming into your town to kidnap people without cause

doctor you like not moving out of the state challenge

yup it’s been fun y’all.

my favorite meals of the day: 1. breakfast 2. Lunch 3. Supper™️ 4. drunk food (usually Mcdonalds) 5. snack between breakfast and lunch 6. late nigjt sweet treat :) 7. cigarette 8. seeds

it’s how you sneak your flasks into the show, obvi momma don’t pay $17 for a bud heavy

💕 first annual nappy dolemite appreciation day 💕

terracotta is short for terrible cottage cheese

tell someone to scram today, it’ll feel good

remember when garth brooks went dark mode

old pictures i took

Yeah I'm bisexual I wanna fuck Bigfoots and draculas

you really shouldn’t post your hands online, someone could steal your fingerprints

i’ve fallen and I can’t get up, but still finishing my plate of spaghetti

what a fun bad dream, I moved and couldn’t remember where i lived and I kept losing my children along the way 😵‍💫🫠

I’ll play chess with you again, but this time you be skins.

feeling less irritated now that i’ve convinced myself the upstairs neighbors are a lovely horse family

Horse Tylenol is still safe though, right?

have you heard this one? Have you heard about this??? what a lucky fella that Popeye

if i’ve been extra mutable lately, it’s because i’m always like this. i could not have been more clear.

here i am, rock you like squirticane

but what if I DON’T contain multitudes what if I only possess one singular tude would you still love me anyway

Crappuchino for my bunghole

Hey buddy your jejune is showing

alright everyone behave

i’m gonna name my dumbass temu supermax prison Alligator Pelican

please rapture this lady in front of me writing a check for groceries