i got kicked out of the Future Crimes Unit after i dropped my ice cream cone into the precog tank and it killed the weird little guy in it

our first mistake when we kidnapped the bog witch was that you can't just store them in a bathtub full of regular water, they need bog water. our second mistake was not burying the bog witch in a deeper grave.

friend i haven't seen in 3 years: yo what's up man me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head friend: did it kill him me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you

me: ran into The Penis Smasher last night friend: oof did he uh? (claps hands together) me: big time

secure that shit private, mothers are the divine creators of existence

i’d like to apologize for my behavior

i'm going to follow your light to the love okay

why would i ever search for meaning in life? what if i found it?

i didn't come here to make friends or fall in love i came here to drink and prove the existence of lake monsters

the joie de vivre levels are off the chart in this blowbang

no baby i love it that all your posts are a cry for help

no matter how big your account gets you will always be posting for 30 people

please do not be sinful on my facebook wall

before the invention of the microphone if you showed up late to a big funeral you’d just have to assume they were saying nice things about the dead guy

(watching a guy who looks a lot like me do most of the things i do in a day) look at this hopeless idiot, not a shred of interiority, god i hate him

i want to remove the hair on my head with lasers and be full bald forever

date: why are we stopping? do you need gas? me: i'm just running in for a couple of hotdogs date: we're on our way to a restaurant me: just need 3-4 hotdogs real quick as a pick-me-up

(writing my grimdark novel) Goreface sat wetly on the docks, thinking about blood. His face was covered is some kind of shit and so was the rest of him. His dick looked like a door knocker. There were some orcs and dragons on the docks too. They also had shit on them.

naming the character of my werewolf sex book "Chad Lupine"

bring a silica gel pack for this dry-ass pussy

sperm bank stunned by man's hands-free orgasm in lobby

food bank refuses to take my mold clumps even though i proved they are edible

spinning in my grave as i am spitroasted by skeletons

no thank you i prefer loose dry pussy

if a reporter gets caught using AI they should be spanked on television and sent home without any supper

newly released footage shows two gray aliens 46ing each other to completion (they can't 69 no mouth)

touch-starved guy moaning when the barber cuts his hair

they say we're living in the future so why can't my office chair suck my dick

unexplained fires are a matter for the courts

(doing the bare minimum) you have no idea what i go through every day

(picking up a screaming goblin) he likes to scream i think

a lot of posting is like "i saw a stupid person do something stupid, i don't do that" okay you convinced me you're not stupid you're very special and important

i'm on the hantavirus cruise ship the passengers have vowed to continue doing the conga line until we are rescued or dead

restless uncle syndrome

whoa you touched a treasure chest before the thief scanned it for traps? go back and wait in the ox cart. no, enough. it’s not about you. you’re risking everyone’s life. including my little goblin friend.

When bro's amulet failed to activate in a time of dire need 😂

Looking at the features of the Star Fox remake, I feel like this game will be controversial

turning a body into paste takes a lot of time and a little love

sorry for believing that love is the most powerful force in the universe i guess

(teasing my best friend about studying too much) all you do is study, study, study, study..... what's the matter big guy? (touching his cheek) afraid to stop thinking for a bit?

his name is Emmett

less gay than Andrew Tate

once again Person of the Year goes to the groundhog that lives under my porch and take naps sleeping on the edge of the porch like a cat

giving the pope some shit i found on the ground

i'd love to get banned for making a joke about a mod liking porn but my heart is not in it today and the ban wouldn't be pure