Some guy just fell through a portal and got impaled on my neighbours fence

(The label falls off the Potion of Contentment I just quaffed, revealing another label beneath reading "Potion of Regret.") Noooo!!!

sour gusher disposable vape tonight my love

imagining a grizzled hardboiled detective saying this while gripping some guy's lapels at a shady bar

driving by my therapist's house late at night just to make sure she's safe

making a tiny suicide vest for my penis that explodes whenever a woman tries to have sex with me

dallas driving the beltway thinking about my dad thinking about his dad and his dad before him

every day when i get to work my coworkers hold me down and my boss blows off all my limbs with a shotgun

guy who looks exactly like my dad follows me and every time he likes one of my posts it throws me off

like my grandpa always told me "if you got an asshole or a mouth you always got something to sell"

from a very young age i would close my eyes and imagine a great and terrible force completely disintegrating my body with violence

laying in the middle of a cornfield until bugs eat me

placing a towel over my head to hide the sight of me eating a roasted fairy from the eyes of god

pain is just injury hurting the body

sorry about the reflecting pool i threw a cursed penny into it and made an evil wish

woke up with a clown mask fused to my face

casey anthony.... something's not adding up !!!

okay byebye

i can't believe Dr. Poop Toucher got a 72 hour ban just for repeatedly violating the terms of service, the man is an angel, a saint who walks this earth, who could forget his classic post "snorting coffee beans like a line of coke", mods you've made a grave mistake this time

(sending the fourth worst dick pic of all time) Do you like whay yuou see

sick of being lectured on beauty and health by people who look like sentient birds

i remember thinking that adults were probably less intelligent than i was giving them credit for after my friend's mom saw the poison control number on a toothpaste tube and ran around the house throwing away all their toothpaste

welcome to spooky mcdonald's can i get you a ghastly meal

i said a fucking number at the Shapes test again

i don’t care how many times i ruin our nights sleep with an accidental flash grenade detonation, i sleep with the tactical body armor on

i’m in the backrooms that make you old

i’m very satisfied with my life but i wouldn’t mind playing a haunting psychosexual game with an older woman who is an authority figure

every friend group has that one person who is a little too into jrpgs and correcting people about it

my cat bites me to let me know when she’s done being pet and frankly you all could learn a thing or two from her

they found a second brain in my stomach that is always in REM sleep

(to a completely empty house) okay you can all come out now i am done being sad

sorry i'm saving the missionary position for my wedding

i brought the wrong energy to trip-sitting and accidentally destroyed my friend's concept of time and self and now his gf is pissed

i'm walking down a hallway in slow motion

Any video game made after 2013 can't just play... all they know is crash, update they files, sell plushies, be bisexual, eat memory & lie.

referring to the hibachi table as "the great equalizer"

i have to go now into the mist and the rainy forest i have to get back to my burrow

i can feel myself turning into obsidian

(guy with dog blindness) Brian? from Family Guy? the little kid?

(texting my ex after seeing a man get struck and killed by a train) hey do you think if we ever had kids that they would be funny

porch life: green thriving

(laying at the bottom of a pit) bottomless my ass

look guys i know there is something out there in the mist but i don’t like being around a bunch of strangers when i’m sleeping so i’m gonna take my chances

how it feels every damn day on this gay fucking planet

(to the plumber) of course my consiglieri will need to take a pass at these before i sign anything

now they tryna say Toad touched Frog and that’s why he quiet

you already know what damn time it is

i've created a chemical compound that will allow me to use up to 10% of my brain

hey you’re bumming everyone out can you move to the back of the mob