Banished from the grand library of mages for trying to be helpful. It took me ages to re-shelve the scrolls in order of yellowment

Cautionary foreword of the Spellbook of Irritating Breeze:

My ability to give a fuck is on cooldown!

Jester coming out without the hat with bells on it to critical confusion. But the other jesters love it. A real jesters jester

hit black ice with the siege engine and skidded into the moat

I love to unwind after a long day of being carried around in my bejeweled solar palanquin by taking some time to be carried around in my ornate lunar palanquin

-2 penalty to all wife checks due to crude/makeshift wife

"Wise Principles sounds with the clarity of brass, endures with the strength of steel and shines with the splendour of gold" - The Three Metals Declaration

ha, don’t worry too much about it, but maybe try not to bring up the all-powerful amulet at dinner - bit of a sensitive topic between the missus and I still

I shrunk myself and entered your cranium via your ear, and plumbed your lobes until I discovered the locus of lesser retrospection. There I rerouted certain axons to induce a brief fugue. It took me four hundred years and many fatal errors to learn this skill. But sure, call it a "brain fart."

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown." Not likely. I wear a Lightweight Crown of Conscience Assuagement.

You brought me the Sword of Correctitude when I requested the Sword of Compassion? (Sword of Correctitude glows) The sword acknowledges your error. Please place your head upon the block.

Ok well maybe don’t massage my venom glands if you don’t like my toxic secretions

My "friend, the giant"? He's a giant? Huh. I guess I don't really see height.

Guy who has only ever been cured by Cure 1 getting hit with Cure 2: Getting a lot of "Cure 1" vibes from this...

Genie apparently heard me wish for a "large, busted wife." 🙄

“the pharaoh’s tomb is cursed! the necromancer’s ring is cursed! the witch’s grimoire is cursed!” that’s how you sound. everything is fucking cursed with you bro. i don’t care. i’m taking this skull.

My friend, who is a giant, throws back handfuls of conquistadors and cracks open their plate armor with his molars like sunflower seeds. I said, they don't want to be eaten, that's why they slash at your tongue and gums. I don't think he heard me though, way up there.

Yeah I looked at it *eyes bulging, arm turning into a bundle of tentacles, teeth growing all over my body* so what

It's always "Fight, Magic, Item" with you. I'm asking for Listen.

It's time for a career change - You are being sent to a recently founded agricultural settlement on the frontier

The Champion of Light: I just destroyed a demon child. The Dark Hero: I just killed a petty criminal. Neutral Dave: I'm grilling sausages after work if you guys want to come over.

> The King of Dust deals 1 dust damage to your home! > The King of Dust deals 1 dust damage to your home! > The King of Dust casts Dust Tornado! > The King of Dust deals 1 dust damage to your home!

Mowing down the last of the great unicorn herds of the Gemstone Plains.

a cyclops is tearing me limb from limb like a greasy man with a rotisserie chicken

I went to the last world at the edge of the universe and everybody there knew you. That's why they were there, waiting to be snuffed out when the world's orbit finally carries them into void of Nothing. Because they knew you.

A transient made off with the sands of time. Not what I needed right now 🤦‍♀️

Level 1 bandit boyfriend giving me the ick by making a little gurgling sound as his rusty pot helm is stove in by a mace

I'm not sure what part of "plumbing the bowels of Giant's Hole" you didn't understand. No I didn't bring an extra poncho.

Welcome to the party. This is Trevor. He has low charisma, just like you. Okay well I'll leave you two to get acquainted.

Your sinecure as vicegerent of the kingdom's mustard production is at risk if you submit this damning report on counterfeit mustard.

You'd think I'd be happy that I no longer hear my skeleton nephew clattering at the end of his tether. Well I'm not. I'm frightened.

My skeleton nephew clatters at the end of his tether all night long. It's pissing me off.

My friend who puts all his points into Jumping when we need to fight, cook, use magic, craft, read an ancient plaque, or pick herbs: Little help? My friend who puts all his points into Jumping when we need to cross a chasm: I bet you wish you'd listened to me about putting points into Jumping!

Stuffing my hands into my pockets and looking away when the Shard of Truth is passed to me.

Son: The kids at school said you're level 1. Is that true? Dad: I wish I could lie to you. But my charisma is too low to pull that off.

Babe, it's BECAUSE your HP is low that I need you to block for me.

Glaring out the window of my silver palace at the golden palace across the valley.

huge Crab just Snipped me in half :/ lengthwise

Everyone has something that makes them special. Your grandfather was a fearsome warrior born with an innate knack for dual-wielding crossbows. Your mother has the gift of blue magic. And you, of course, have that +1 to Laundry that we appreciate so much.

Sorry, I can't go out with you tonight. I'm keeping my mana up.

A dozen ancient champions from the First Dynasty await my instruction to materialize and cut you to pieces.

I invite you to gently lower yourself into the steaming chemical pool I've concocted for us

Hardly replenished any health from eating my own brood on account of them being so small??

if your emperor doesn't pretend to idly conduct their chamber musicians with a poultry drumstick during feasts then theyre washed

elf lady: but I cannot love him for he is mortal and I eternal. Unless I should break my oath to my father and forsake my immortality we cannot be wed. Oh but I would be reviled among my people. Please gods give me guidance! me (kinda checked out): just tell him how you feel

Trapped in the vast unknowable, crystal-lit honeycombs.

(In my cave) "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum" "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum" "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum" "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum" (Before the townsfolk) "Fee-Fi-Fo-Frum"

Saw your man do his threat display when a bug landed on him.

The little noises you're hearing in your room at night are merely the quiet struggles of the twig-men from which this house is built. Rest easy, child, for they are securely nailed.