She drew her sword, so I snatched forth my sword-breaker. Naturally, she reached for her sword-breaker-breaker. So what did I do? Pulled out my sword-breaker-breaker-breaker. Then she zapped me with strong magic and that's when I found myself here in Hell. Demon: (Tortures me harder)

Nothing against the centaur knight but I can't have him dropping dung on the banquet hall floor again

You equip the snake. You swing your snake at the bard. The bard is poisoned!

extending my hand and firing green energy from my fingertips into your newborn baby. "You're welcome."

My mate who emerged from a golden egg fully formed and perfect thinks his genesis more dignified than mine - the beastly violence of conception and birth. However, he is still bound to the cycle of death and rebirth like the rest of us.

Here take this, you'll need it 🔥 🫴

Husband directions: Fearlessly consult your heart with each step. Is it true that all roads connect? Wife directions: Go left at the big rock.

You: Free sword for whomever can pull it from the stone. Plus you get to be king. It's remarkable. Me: Not my sword, not my problem.

My girlfriend lives in a briny crevice far below the waves. You don't know her.

Beguiling naive bees and stealing rare waxes from their hive.

91 imps wailed on me but it barely hurt. I said, "what, you twerps couldn't find a 92nd to really drive the point home?" Unfortunately there was a 92nd one and it was way bigger and meaner.

I don't mind if village children use my expansive lawns as a playfield. Kids need unsupervised time outside to fortify their character. Also, I'm interested in testing the efficacy of my concealed spike pits.

Iron chainbody, bronze plateskirt, iron med helm, oak shield, steel mace, leather gloves and boots, red cape. Pack full of frog spawn, one lantern, one tinderbox, one axe.

When you can snatch the pebble from my hand - *student snatches pebble* then you will be cursed, because it is a cursed pebble. Dumbass. Its rude to interrupt.

Right, as a beast of the wild, I have no use for money, yet I always keep a few gold pieces on me. It's not that I want to reward the one who slays me. It's more like, I don't want to be a beast who drops nothing. It's a statement, or an attempt at one. "Despite everything, I was here."

Fenwick the feeble loves talking about his “5 years trapped in the King’s dungeon”. Never mentions that the door turned out to be unlocked.

I'm sorry I made the entire town gather to watch me transform into an eagle when I knew I did not have such a power. The situation got away from me. I am not sorry for the other stuff.

Devastated after finding the "Spell of the Docile Wife" in my husband's spellbook.

everyone is fighting a battle you can't see because you are the only one without cool invisible wizard powers

Hug me at once! - the affectionate regent

You really just hit my wife with a +6 Charisma buff?! When she was already gorgeous and charming? (Quietly so wife doesn't hear) Thank you so much dude, you are amazing.

You have to admit, it was pretty funny that you spent all that time in my storeroom in search of the "left-handed treasure chest" containing the potion which will cure your daughter's illness. In truth, I have no such potion. I doubt one even exists.

wow the sunday scaries are particularly bad today (they’re sending me into the haunted wood to hunt The Spiders tomorrow)

my once downy coat has become sickly and bedraggled. to illustrate my moral rot

(Crouching down, placing one hand in the slime trail right behind a snail) A snail was here, not 1 hour ago.. (Standing up) We're gaining on him

goblin archers raining black bolts down on my cavalry unit as we charge. But they're all bouncing off our gleaming gold armour lol

Hate it when someone chops my arm off as I reach the top of the siege ladder. Ok I guess I’ll just tumble screaming into the throng of attackers below ?

"Bring ye news from the river?" the stoat asked holding his cane and hat. "Still babbling" I responded. This caused immediate unease and panic in the tavern, all creatures large and small started mumbling and making plans. I realised I was thinking of the brook, but didn't want to seem a fool.

We're putting you in the crystal. Maybe you can come out in 100 years after everything's good again. But for now you have to go into the crystal.

Hope my haters like being torn to ribbons by powerful ki blasts.

You have gained access to horses: stupid, ungainly, ugly, brutish beasts that you must nevertheless enslave for the benefit of your people.

it's only grave robbing if you take stuff. just looking around inside is grave exploration. is it a crime to embrace curiosity now?

Haven't seen you since the autumnal equinox. Your harvest was meager as hell lol

I debuffed your dad and bullied him until I got bored.

(Bowing before the gnome king) Your Lowness

Bro tried to go stealth mode 😂 after my compound defenses had already detected an intruder

nobody takes a bard with castanets seriously until those little bastards clamp around your weak points for extra damage

Enlightened warriors are slaughtering the residents of my village 😣

They said "we could never love you because we fear the fire you breathe. And your personality is likewise blistering." So I breathed and breathed and I didn't stop for a long time.

They said they don't matriculate wizards who specialize in summoning blue nipples. I said this Academy is equally flammable by means mundane and magical.

My good natured gang of thieves and I are going to perform a play to sneak into the castle.

Embarrassed because I accidentally drank a cheek-reddening potion.

The regional cudgel trainer's attitude flipped from surly to obsequious the moment I defeated him in the dojo. Kind of makes me respect him less. The art of the cudgel, as well.

But... if the buff wore off ten minutes ago, that means... I slaughtered the entire council of aldermen with my own strength? With my own cudgel prowess?

My stunning loaves garnered me a commission from the Baron. And of course I just used up the last of my enchanted flour.

Guy who has only witnessed Soft Percy’s tearful surrender to Grampwyn the Harmless, witnessing Soft Percy’s tearful surrender to Fiddlesticks the child knight: Getting a lot of ‘Soft Percy’s tearful surrender to Grampwyn the Harmless` vibes from this...

Your guest bed looks very nice but I will sleep better in a dank ditch or sump. My prey are more likely to appear there as well.

Saw your man vanquish a downed foe with a clumsy coup de grace 🫣

Guards cleaving you in twain with a broadsword are trying to provoke you. Don't fall for it

We accidentally cremated the Thousand-Year Dreamer, in the 861st year of his sleep. I hope he wasn't dreaming anything important.