The fat and jolly gatehouse guard is so relatable. I’d make that exact same gurgling sound if my throat was slit by an assassin

Saw your husband planning an expedition to the island of a powerful sorceress without the use of a protective amulet or mage to shield him🤭

Melting down a toadman into a huge tourmaline of middling quality via a complex alchemical process.

Hey dude? Mind if I use your guest dagger to disembowel this eunuch?

That's a shame that you fell into my bubbling tar trap. I was saving that for later.

Pikemen hate this one weird trick (being killed by a crossbow bolt.)

Psst, hey, you. Want to make a ducat? Go pluck the town flower and bring it to me.

Phew. Lotta bone mephits in the caldera today. Good thing I'm a rhombus knight and get bonus saves against mephits.

Listen pal, nobody aggroes my wife but me.

Decaying chariot in the front yard. Kids climb in and pretend they're driving. Nobody's even seen a horse around these parts in a decade.

Spoiler alert. Here comes the rot monster.

Prying the lid off a huge crate of banded armor for my ape army, and smiling.

Dropping the wife and kids off at the spider biome.

I'm not telling you that you can't leave the labyrinth I'm just trying to shift your perspective on the issue

New recruits think that, because our thieves guild is headquartered in the city sewers, you can just poo anywhere. You can't. Please, go a little ways down the tunnel to poo.

I'm really sorry to do this to you dude. I'm casting Meteor on your ass.

When you explain that NPCs are agents of the universal motive and all you get back is that main character stare.

Wife respecced into a Dark Charisma build 🫣

What is it, doc? Curse? Malicious enchantment? Malevolent spiritual energy?? Witch Doctor: Have you been eating caterpillars again?

(sniffing the air thoughtfully) is that a new power you’re emanating today?

check this out *launches a bolt from my crossbow is such a way it impales both of your testicles, rips them from the sack, and flies out the window to land in the filthy moat below*

I'll take you out of the stasis field once you've calmed down.

Accidentally cut down the queen-tree. Thankfully the treefolk lack the ability to project justice outside of their copse.

(The label falls off the Potion of Contentment I just quaffed, revealing another label beneath reading "Potion of Regret.") Noooo!!!

I didn't lose the duel and then cry for my wetnurse. I was only crying for my wetnurse because I missed her and that was before the first cut was even swung

Did you or did you not buff your charisma before talking to my wife?

He died doing what he loved (being impaled by ogres.)

theyre calling the baying of my hounds the "sound of the summer"

Guy whose Traps skill is 19: Disarming traps is so damn easy, for me. Guy whose Traps skill is 1: I can't disarm a trap to save my life.

Remote viewing your erstwhile rival experiencing ultimate torment in hell.

Warrior of the Nine Domains: Things were a lot simpler when I was Warrior of the Eight Domains.

I love it when the black waves are teeming with salt-foam

The quick brown fox jumped over the crenelated fortification and into the heaving swell of battle, its fangs dripping with blood, its eyes flashing with malice

Petitioner: I can't explain it, but 7x7=49 has the same energy as an elven cleric. Duke: Mathematics... disgusting (reaching for trapdoor lever.)

We deserve a king with a standing policy to relinquish the throne to any member of the gentry who beats his best time to eat five pounds of hard cheese with the rind.

I saw your man retreat into his shell.

A thousand years later, the frost wizards were defeated, and the block of ice was thawed. But it yielded only black sludge; the good men were nowhere to be found.

lets all sip nectar from the big flower

(after defeating the Brain Masters) I suppose the Brain Masters have contemplated their last enigma

Seeing someone use evil hate magic on a goblin: let the wretched creature be! He knows not what he does! Seeing someone use evil hate magic on a beautiful elf prince: lmao bring him low! The fool should live as a beast!

An ice wizard arrived in the village, said she could help us "beat the heat." Ice 2, Ice 3, Blizzard... nothing she cast could stay the implacable heat, which eventually claimed her, leaving only roasted bones. Later we realized that we could live somewhere other than the Plain of Arcane Fire.

If you open a trapped chest and get shredded by an explosion of shrapnel... sorry but you deserve your fate. That wasn't your chest to open.

Whole village out processing the giant who died in the ravine.

Kicking a hole through the mud wall of my neighbor's hovel to share the news that the Baron has announced a day of rest next week.

I'm racist against wizards and I'm tired of pretending I'm not.

Eating weird eggs I found in your nest.

Jealously guarding my treasure even after death

The creatures in my pit pooled their brainpower and did a pretty good job answering my riddles three. I'm not letting them out of the pit though.

The creatures in my pit are hunger striking in protest. What they don't know is that I've always wanted my own skeleton pit.

I've no sympathy for those who fell or were thrown into my pit.