We accidentally cremated the Thousand-Year Dreamer, in the 861st year of his sleep. I hope he wasn't dreaming anything important.

Torm, Creator of Firmament and Sky: Yet another votive offering. Alright. No, no, I love it. Really. It's very cool. Thank you. I appreciate this.

Oh sure let’s match those symbols to the ones on the pillar. That’s your answer to everything.

I’m on a windswept moor building a little cairn and I’m muttering to myself “wait til they get a load of this shit. this is straight fire. This one’s gonna make em bark” and then after the spring thaw some guy from the next valley goes up there and is like “hell yeah dude”

Laying waste to a treasured childhood memory in order to make room for another minor cantrip.

Using an item.

i'm being hunted for the healing gel i secrete when frightened

Easily relieving the Constable of his crossbow while blacked out off a dexterity potion.

I hate when it's my turn to feed barley-men into the millstone. They're so pathetic, like "I'm begging you not to grind me. I have a family!" Buddy, no you don't. I just saw them — you have 2.5 bags of mid-grade flour.

The grist mill pays well enough, and I get to take home plenty of barley flour. The one downside is being tormented every waking moment by memories of the anguished pleas of barley-men who are being ground into flour.

You thought your kiss "might awaken her from a magical slumber"? Dude, she's unconscious, what the fuck??

What she says: Don't worry about it. All wizards fail incantations from time to time. What she's thinking: I bet Owayne the Rippled has a high Casting skill.

Lord Mordecai has long, thin grapes growing in his vinyard. And they taste awful.

Yeah, I see the problem: your dungeon is filled with monsters and traps. If you want to attract a woman you need to throw some puzzles in there.

Don't even try to say that my ten-kobold chain lightning combo doesn't count because some of them were children. That makes it more impressive, on account of their smaller mass.

Yes, I hear the bone-chilling screams too, but I'm not going to fall for another one of his "boy who cried 'my guts are being liquefied by a giant spider'" pranks.

My healer said I'm overdoing it. Said I need to limit myself to two potions per day. Fine with me, I said.

I'm not saying you can't enter the city. Of course we let elves into the city. I'm just saying you might feel safer somewhere else.

The practice of setting prices based on a customer's charisma has a long and celebrated history that often goes unacknowledged by the dump-statted youth of today, writes Rich Silvertongue of the Shopkeeper's Guild in a persuasive editorial.

Heartwarming: This dad summoned a giant scarab to dance at his daughters wedding while he was stuck in the beetle dimension 🪲

Banished from the grand library of mages for trying to be helpful. It took me ages to re-shelve the scrolls in order of yellowment

Cautionary foreword of the Spellbook of Irritating Breeze:

My ability to give a fuck is on cooldown!

Jester coming out without the hat with bells on it to critical confusion. But the other jesters love it. A real jesters jester

hit black ice with the siege engine and skidded into the moat

I love to unwind after a long day of being carried around in my bejeweled solar palanquin by taking some time to be carried around in my ornate lunar palanquin

-2 penalty to all wife checks due to crude/makeshift wife

"Wise Principles sounds with the clarity of brass, endures with the strength of steel and shines with the splendour of gold" - The Three Metals Declaration

ha, don’t worry too much about it, but maybe try not to bring up the all-powerful amulet at dinner - bit of a sensitive topic between the missus and I still

I shrunk myself and entered your cranium via your ear, and plumbed your lobes until I discovered the locus of lesser retrospection. There I rerouted certain axons to induce a brief fugue. It took me four hundred years and many fatal errors to learn this skill. But sure, call it a "brain fart."

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown." Not likely. I wear a Lightweight Crown of Conscience Assuagement.

You brought me the Sword of Correctitude when I requested the Sword of Compassion? (Sword of Correctitude glows) The sword acknowledges your error. Please place your head upon the block.

Ok well maybe don’t massage my venom glands if you don’t like my toxic secretions

My "friend, the giant"? He's a giant? Huh. I guess I don't really see height.

Guy who has only ever been cured by Cure 1 getting hit with Cure 2: Getting a lot of "Cure 1" vibes from this...

Genie apparently heard me wish for a "large, busted wife." 🙄

“the pharaoh’s tomb is cursed! the necromancer’s ring is cursed! the witch’s grimoire is cursed!” that’s how you sound. everything is fucking cursed with you bro. i don’t care. i’m taking this skull.

My friend, who is a giant, throws back handfuls of conquistadors and cracks open their plate armor with his molars like sunflower seeds. I said, they don't want to be eaten, that's why they slash at your tongue and gums. I don't think he heard me though, way up there.

Yeah I looked at it *eyes bulging, arm turning into a bundle of tentacles, teeth growing all over my body* so what

It's always "Fight, Magic, Item" with you. I'm asking for Listen.

It's time for a career change - You are being sent to a recently founded agricultural settlement on the frontier

The Champion of Light: I just destroyed a demon child. The Dark Hero: I just killed a petty criminal. Neutral Dave: I'm grilling sausages after work if you guys want to come over.

> The King of Dust deals 1 dust damage to your home! > The King of Dust deals 1 dust damage to your home! > The King of Dust casts Dust Tornado! > The King of Dust deals 1 dust damage to your home!

Mowing down the last of the great unicorn herds of the Gemstone Plains.

a cyclops is tearing me limb from limb like a greasy man with a rotisserie chicken

I went to the last world at the edge of the universe and everybody there knew you. That's why they were there, waiting to be snuffed out when the world's orbit finally carries them into void of Nothing. Because they knew you.

A transient made off with the sands of time. Not what I needed right now 🤦‍♀️

Level 1 bandit boyfriend giving me the ick by making a little gurgling sound as his rusty pot helm is stove in by a mace

I'm not sure what part of "plumbing the bowels of Giant's Hole" you didn't understand. No I didn't bring an extra poncho.

Welcome to the party. This is Trevor. He has low charisma, just like you. Okay well I'll leave you two to get acquainted.