extending a hand of friendship very close to your face so that you may kiss my ring

Struggling with impermanence? That's a wee shame xox

Have to get a new filing cabinet for my dossiers on you as new information has come to light - maybe calm it down a bit.

Another failure of The Online Safety Act - ban this sick filth @kierstarmer

Your nan is on the bus, looking at pictures of dogs on her phone. She is smiling.

A medical degree has at least one year of intensive training to prevent you from snickering about serious things like bollocks and arses.

One more shift at the joke explainer hotline will have me flirting with oblivion, but someone has to do it

Congratulations on your new mayor, America. I trust he will use the power over life and death wisely

If I see a lost looking tourist with a map in their hand, I'm fucking on it man, a rare opportunity to extend hospitality in our benighted age

Putting the beam on "Broad" today. It means that the effects won't be as strong, but they will affect more people.

A lot of comedic potential in the act of fishing. You could hook something, pull it up thinking it's a a lovely big fish, only to find out it's an old boot! God can you imagine? You'd be gutting yourself😂

I see a lot of, yeah? Seems like a lot of artists are influenced by the cultural milieu of the digital age these days?

Necromancers will say "If I bade them not to rise and do my bidding, someone else would surely do so". Just leave the cadavers alone mate

A lot of the time I'm 'avin a lard, but other times...I'm bloody well serious...

Can you describe, for the record, the first time you had a "mamma mia moment"

Darkness...

Specced into emails and phone calls - do not send me a "notification", you can speak to me like an adult

A mythical map of Wales in Tales from the Mabinogion by Margaret Jones, 1980

Few can resist the allure of a simple delicious dinner

I've got a link on my nose I never used to have. That's life, you accumulate lumps until one of them gets you.

Belching non-stop today for health reasons

Saw a guy selling a bike, and in the pictures he included a valuation generated by chat GPT and it was like "holy Frick this is an epically stupendous vintage bike with awesome sauce flair - it's worth 150 quid", and it was listed at like 90 to make it seem like it was a good deal

Simple delicious meals can be made from as little as two ingredients

Close your curtains, I do not want to see you sitting down in your house. It is vulgar. If you want to be seen sitting down, do so outside.

Little Fellow would be a good name for a cat. Ok then cheers 👍

oh mate I'm gutted!!!!

just what on earth is a New York?

A great hand from the heavens is extending a finger to blot out my existence

"earthlings will never understand my Star-Mission" - you never gave us a chance bro

honestly mate lighting conditions have a huge effect on visibility

Total Conviviality Now

I'm gutted and knackered, and I'm in the huff.

Opening a canteen called "Johnny Dollop's" where each customer will have the queuing experience of a lifetime

my life situation just got extremely dire and i’m on the hook for $2.5k in hospital bills on top of it all! anything helps me stay afloat <3

beautiful boy's big breakfast is now being served in the canteen

In many cases, context collapse can be avoided by taking a moment to establish context. If you try this, and you can't do it, it's ok to move on without comment - you might try engaging with something other than whatever is driving you insane for a short while. Hope this helps.

My position as a permanent member of the UN security council often puts me in the middle of struggles between great powers, and I just say to them "Let's take a chill pill and sort this out". It's a lot of work, big personalities in the room, but at the end of the day it's all about compromise.

We found a caveman preserved in the Siberian permafrost and revived him - we're putting him behind the wheel of a car that goes a thousand miles an hour to learn more about his ancient mind.

"I put my heart and soul into this" - Lich showing you their phylactery

"Some of the smallest dogs have the biggest hearts" - Vet with bad news

Passed a guy giving it the old “ta da dee, ta da dum” while out for a stroll. Very good.

You used to be able to go to the pub and hear the old women sing, now you can’t hear a nan croon for love nor money.

Pleased to report on the robust state of filial piety today, as I witnessed several people independently taking their Dear Nan around Big Tesco

People want to eat "dirty fries" and "smash burgers", but no one wants to eat "granny's old beef'n dumplings". What has happened to us?

My dream is to become the world's first "Badass Billionaire" - and I need your direct financial support

Many of my posts are inspired by real events, some even refer to real events directly. If you struggle to separate fact from fiction, the best thing to do is assume that I'm talking about something you have developed a strong neuroses towards and that I'm your best friend.

All quack no bill