I once moved a big log, and not to brag, but my retinue was very impressed by the display.

Good haul today

I have heard tell of the ruinous Penjamin. I want no part in it.

Despite everything, I'll be wearing jeans today.

Homies help each other

some people have a passion for art x

I'm about to materialise in your house, albeit briefly.

Ah, I've got this memory form when I was wee. There was this shampoo, and it was bad for some reason. It burned your scalp? I mind my mum was saying something about it, it was on the telly. Aye, there was some kind of bad shampoo back then.

nae cunt's called Percy these days #whatsupwiththat

A representative of the Punter Council has come to consult with you on the supply of booze and fags within the city

They call me The Master of Coin because I'm always in front of you in the queue and I'm paying the cashier with fucking fistfuls of shrapnel, sliding each coin across the counter one by one, and giving a vocal running total

Punters love booze and fags, and lots of them - keep them drinking and smoking and you'll be master of their fate

Going down the hill on your bike, you think "oh my god, yes, this is amazing!" - it's because you're experiencing massive speed thrills

Thank goodness for my shapely and powerful calves #grateful

the light from my monitor is giving a dreadful pallor to my beans on toast

Without consumer rights advocates, there would be no democracy ♥️

Putting "Lard Shroud" on so if my opponents veil shatter they'll get the Greased debuff, then hopefully I can recall the Candle Master to trigger Wickening

Locust Sentry's Report : No Locusts Sighted. Phew! But that doesn't mean we can relax just yet.

You'll see mega-fans online getting upset over the cancellation of "Big Daniel: Overdrive" or the other.

Surviving a car crash unscathed thanks to "Uplifting Power Metal Solo Compilation", getting out of the car to kiss the ground like auld John-Paul

"one pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small" - what a load of hippy nonsense

The thought that it takes to produce a single Simple Delicious Meal often goes unseen.

Introducing myself as a self-care consultant to members of your extended family

My life changed after participating in the 2004 reality show hit, "Bad Lad's Army", where I learned to stop being a gobby lout and sorted my act out.

*trying to sway a crowd of boomers* we need to put cheeky yobbos on "bad lad's army" again

Filling up the car to go and do doughnuts in the car park for a few hours

I've decided to have a perfect day.

Text based adventure game set in post-collapse neo-feudal New Jersey would go something like You Have Gained : Retinue of One Thousand Joik Awffs

I'm Sir Kier and I'm here to say, I'm resigning as the PM of the UK.

I denounce the mad excess of cling film

Something's away to happen

we all have that one mate that reeks of roast beef flavour monster munch

I will not be reading this piece any further, thank you.

Every morning, I wake up, and then I don my utilitarian garments with qualities that I'll need for the day ahead.

Today I'll be keeping things Simple Delicious

Factoids. Tidbits. I've learned them all.

"hell's bells", I can only imagine they would be a terrible thing to hear.

wallace and gromit real

I was deeply moved by the message of "Wallace & Gromit : The Wrong Trousers" as a boy

Athleat's Foote

The Starmergeddon Event

Got the house of commons absolutely stacked with the lads going "BWEEEEEEERRRRR"

Really nervous to become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain & Northern Ireland, after Sir Kier Starmer steps down from the post today.

I've got one of those faces where folk approach me to ask for directions or to chat, but there's something about hanging around on a public green with a pack while absolutely reeking from the trail that is making folk really up for a chat

Without a doubt the smelliest guy in this spoons

Wake up. Bosh. Crack on.

Telling my detractors to jog on

If someone tried to talk to me about hunter s Thompson, I'm not having it. "What if there was a mad guy", what if mate?

When it's well nice, it's proper nice 👍