No interested in hearing folk complain about scraping their car windows in the morning. Just walk instead and you'll have nothing to scrape.

Nah I haven't really heard about anything

"X suggests the existence of Y" - Incorrect and not funny at all, don't you have a mortgage to pay?

For a special treat this Christmas I'm giving you a thick cheroot from my tobacco sack - you will smoke it in one sitting where I can see you

Being whipped with a sopping wet gravy rope this festive season

I covet a pearlescent gravy boat in the possession of a relative

Gen Ai is a tool that will be applied to test the boundaries of our shared dignity, and then used to diminish it. It will take more than our insistence to resist this.

I've been doing big dinners, it's that time of year. It really impresses people, but it's actually really simple. All you need to do is cook for years and years until you have enough experience to make it easy.

Picking succulent lice from your greasy pelt to strengthen our bond

No one ever visits my forgotten tomb these days

I just want to be in charge of a vast patronage network. I want to control a voting bloc completely, I want a hospital ward named after me because I decided that there shouldn't be a riot today.

I once had a dream that I had to carry a body through a birthday party. When I woke up, I just went on with my normal life because it wasn't real.

No good will come of it - my thoughts on all of the carry on.

I'm ok, you're ok - would you like to see an unsecured firearm.

A rat as big as a dog, a dog as big as a rat, a rat as big as a dog that's big as a rat, a dog that's as big as a rat that's as big as a dog. I could go on.

I want you to imagine the largest rat you can. That's just the beginning, of a dog.

people are making a living by reading wikipedia articles aloud on youtube, when they should be forced into a life of menial labour at the rat-milk facility.

Because of US cultural hegemony in anglophonic world, I know about your winter-rat and how each of your cities has a disgusting sandwich

If a rat bites you, it’s your fault. The beast is blameless.

A type of rat with long legs called a Stilt Rat, would quickly become the darling of anyone who beheld it

All of the shite going on makes me sick

I was in a car earlier, and the radio was on. There were three advertisements that were parodies of Christmas songs . I feel that whatever way we formulate society, we will have our dignity impugned.

When I was a boy when the dinner bell rang we would all run along to eat Granny's Old Soup - we didn't have any shoelaces and we'd all fall over

A New Man has appeared - he will be beaten before long

You can use images to do something called "visual story telling" - someone will see the image, it will disrupt their pneuma, and they will go mental

I saw the Harming Face, and I'm really worried about what will happen next

If you see this face in your dreams, harm will come to you soon

Pretty funny guys

heard there was a new film showing at the cinema #whocares

have you seen this, do you like that, what do you think of this no

Smoking a rollie of organic tobacco alternative in the bathroom of the Holistic Wellness Centre

Losing my fucking rag in the Holistic Wellness Centre after experiencing what I believed to be a malicious energy manipulation

Folk will watch a programme, the fiction type, and they'll get really into the characters.

Biting the dentist. Biting the doctor. Biting the Wellness Practitioner. Biting the Reiki Master.

Cannae be bothered 👍

Torness Named as Scotland's Top Electricity Generator ☝️

Begone foul airs.

*hands clasped behind back, gazing out of the window* "Aye, well."

Grobian Intercession I will appear in your hour of need

Always knew crimbo was fake, wasn't even a public holiday here until 1954, which is why everyone is so susceptible to those wee gnomes you see all over the place. We didn't even get proper Catholic crimbo, we just got sad anglophone crimbo

My Dad's had another Large Rural Black Cat sighting - The government must investigate this phenomenon, he is no liar

That's enough. No more referring to your experiences as a "journey". I've seen someone writing "my PC journey only really began with Windows 95" and I'm sick to my stomach.

Canteen is the best dining format - I cannot be convinced otherwise. I would replace all restaurants with canteens. You don't need someone who is forced to be nice to you to take your order, you need to get food ladled onto a plate by someone who is allowed to detest you for being a c*stomer

Just had a veggie-sausage and it was actually a long croquette filled with vegetables formed into a sausage shape...mate...

*American newsreader voice* The flu virus, this little fella can cause big problems

Under a Regime of Wise Principles, the "World Cup" will be a vessel from which everyone is welcome to drink from, as a symbolic gesture of unity between all peoples

"Wise Principles sounds with the clarity of brass, endures with the strength of steel and shines with the splendour of gold" - The Three Metals Declaration

My detractors will say "appeal to Wise Principles" is a logical fallacy, not realising this is the orthodox application of the Rigourous Method

Unanimous decision to remain steadfast in our dedication to the realisation of Wise Principles has been reached by a plenary session of All Peoples

Best fing about being British is doggin wiv the missus behind MATALAN!!!! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿