Sorry I slaughtered your villagers. I was living with undiagnosed astigmatism at the time

Packing up my desk and leaving Willy Wonka’s with my head held high. I knew this job wasn’t for me when they told me I couldn’t put real teeth in The Candy That Bites Back

I don’t like that we live in an age where every old crone you see down at the swamp has turkey teeth. I don’t want a prophecy from someone who gets on an airplane to go to the dentist.

Springing from bed every morning like "Outta my way world! I have a big cauldron of stew to stir down at the Slithering Eel"

Sherman Klump is no longer a part of the nut community. We are stripping him of his titles. He is now “The Professor”

Commodore Norrington is the man to see when getting your effects (and your hat) back is the vibe

Allow it bruv

[trying to explain Angry Birds to a russian guy] it’s like if the guns in counter strike were birds

Why do all space station security chiefs have those boots that dangle out of vents and kick at the air before suddenly spasming and going still as they’re covered in a gushing torrent of blood?? Do they all shop at the same shoe store or what lol

[explaining zoom calls to a Russian guy] it’s like counter strike but you just talk to each other

"Interesting crumb" — the intelligent ant

Hey man we’re putting all of your belongings in the incinerator later if you wanna come thru

Nice hopes and dreams dude. Would be a shame if a charming vagabond mouse bundled them all up in a handkerchief, tied that to a stick, put it all over their shoulder and walked to the next town over, then taught the townspeople a lesson about friendship, magic, and never judging a book by its cover

The next pope should be a horrible set of twins where one never speaks but constantly looms ominously over the shoulder of the other.

You can't enter cryosleep to travel to a distant ocean planet, use cloning technology to seed a new whale population, then open a 19th century whaling experience theme park planet anymore. Because of woke

[Aztec temple group chat] |→Do we have pushing people into the volcano tomorrow? No tomorrow is animals only (👎 11, 🤡 3)

👎 Boy! Fetch me my typewriter. 👍 Boy! Fetch me my typewriter, please.

Bulwick the guardsman hasn’t actually qualified as a jailer yet. That key jingling sound is playing from his phone.

Fire the castle guards and issue crossbows to the apes in the menagerie? Very prudent sire!

Yeah we had to kick him out of rice farming chat. He said fish shouldn’t be allowed to live in the irrigation channels

They're executing me while a messenger clutching a pardon from the king desperately rides his horse through the rain in an ultimately unsuccessful attempt to halt the execution later today

dr_stoneage: Eating rocks is not part of the journey to becoming cavemanpilled. We have no evidence to suggest cavemen ate rocks. Cave_Pervert: me like rock 😩 🥵 🪨 Grubb_grub: rock crunchy and strong Plant_based_sabretooth: tree trunk good too

Necromancers will say "If I bade them not to rise and do my bidding, someone else would surely do so". Just leave the cadavers alone mate

[Ambassador] In our language your name means “one who runs up to within striking distance then trips, embarrassing himself and his country.” [Me in a four point crouch] We’ll see about that

Mi hovel es cu hovel, please take a briquette of peat

*Swims up to your flotsam whistling a sea shanty*

sorry i can't come in today i was smoten a great blow

Doctors are saying that the healthiest people do these 3 simple things at the start of their morning routine: * squat in an uncomfortable position on the bathroom floor looking at the phone. * hit the vape 20 - 30 times. * stand up and get a head rush.

The thing that I like about Bluesky is how they send out gigantic ornate clocks to the ones who stick around

accidentally clicked the hyperlink that poisons me

you're like a tutorial boss to me

Stench 3: apeshit Steam Deck compatibility: ⚠️ Playable ✅ The game runs well with default graphics settings ⚠️ Some of the smells don't work

Yeah we do a little smellposting it’s called we do a little smellposting

When you smelled only one stench in the air, It was then that I had stunk everything up with my overpowering stench.

It's always "why did you drain the swamplands, our families can no longer make a living crafting leather goods from swampgoblin hide" and never "how is the new tourney ground? Are ye winning sire?"

coworker_4 has gifted you a game on Steam. Add PROBOSCIS PRINCESS to your Library? *You have 1 new message from coworker_4* this is the game with the proboscis physics that I was telling you about

Get a load of mr hairy tentacles lol -the body shaming cephalopod

You’ve barely touched your horse teeth soup

Someone stepped on my prehensile tentacles while I was trying to burst up through a sewer grate

installing a subwoofer in my car to make the Google maps lady sound taller

Who up getting they gizzard ate

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL 🎃 Hair Transplant Clinic Turns You Away Because Your Hair Is So Thick That It’s Haunted [ASMR - 3 Hours - SPOOKY]

Accidentally added goody smythe to the group chat where we’re planning on taking her husband out on a hunting trip and leaving him in the woods to die. She was heart reacting all of our messages though

Goody Smythe has taken a wagon to Maine to see her sister and her husband has been listening to Emma’s House by The Field Mice really loud every day

Anyone ever tupped Goody Smythe after a night of elderberry wine? If so did you also wake up to find you were wearing her late husbands hat? The one with the buckle on it..

When I was 10 my dad took me to see a film that was rated 12 at the cinema and he accidentally told the person at the ticket counter my real age. He then made me tell the person at the ticket counter that he was my step dad and that he always forgot my actual age which was 13.

One of the midshipmen tried rum for the first time last night and he was in tears begging the bosun for leave to marry the ship’s orangutan

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had the excess methane vented from my stomach through a valve in my flank like a bloated cow. And definitely don’t smoke or carry an open flame near me while that’s happening.

They’re calling it the key to happiness. They’re saying everybody needs a long handled shoe horn.

Hands down scariest shot in The Shining