Dude come over. We're drinking our vitreous humor. Like the shit from an eyeball? We don't give a fuck, slurping that nasty sauce.

It would be foolish to buy a used steam deck going for full retail price 24 hours before I embark on an expensive trip of a lifetime to Japan…. But it would also be brave. It would send a statement on behalf of gamers everywhere

It's weird how nobody ever talks about the fact that we all hear incredibly loud discordant high-tempo circus music in our heads at all times

Myth: most garden gnomes are just gnomes who were too lazy to work in the emerald mines. Fact: we don’t know what they did wrong.

I only like socially conscious bawdy tavern songs with good wordplay

Keeping a highwayman at bay with my walking stick while my party retreats with our purse of 3 copper

[Drunk text] What is teh name of Snoppis yellow frind . The berd

I don’t mind the count. Keeps to himself. Is 7 foot tall. Takes an interest in what’s been happening with my livestock.... Don’t love the smell of pestilence he gives off tbh but that’s up to him.

By 2029, “high protein yoghurt for the organic mind” is expected to entirely replace the phrase “food for thought”

Attaching coconut shells to my horse’s hooves so my enemies mistake the sound of me approaching on horseback for the sound of someone pretending to approach on horseback

You don’t have to enjoy being choked by the black bile of hatred to join the Martian Orbital Marines but it sure helps

Emerging naked and slimy from a big egg.

This is my son, Strongjanne Hable. That grunting sound means he’d like to borrow something heavy so he can hit himself in the head with it.

They’re saying you were boiled rather than steamed over in dumpling chat

goblin cavalrymen feeding buckets of blood porridge to their reptilian mounts

This meeting could have been my only son. This meeting could have been my baby boy

You hungry? Feel free to skim my moat

Jay pulls off her mask to reveal she was Linda Yaccarino the whole time

😏 🪺 😋 🪹 🦅 🏃

They’re kicking my dead corpse later to make sure the jobs done

Just checked with God and he said if you hear anyone saying this stuff out loud like it’s real you’re allowed to take them and keep them in a giant worm farm as a pet

Baltasar the cunning: consider, a Foolish man. Of some low cunning, perhaps, some ambition. but short-sighted. imprudent. lacking both subtility and boldness. ignorant of consequence and cause. Me: ok. sure. I can do that. what's your point? Baltasar the cunning: that's you. you're that man lmao

I should get this tattooed on my forehead

Always creeps me out when someone has a really handsome good looking homunculus. What are they trying to prove

Tracklist for Grobjob the Orrible’s upcoming Kinda Fetid EP has leaked: 1. She Orc, Grobjob make mistake 2. Stinky bones (me eat best bones) 3. Marshy ground 4. Grobjob hungry / kinda fetid 5. Wail - a cappella 6. Grobjob eat microphones man [skit]

You can eat for free at most perpetual stew places if you let them submerge your hand in the pot for 45 seconds or long enough to meaningfully add to the flavour

Ever since I was little I wanted to get my head smashed in against the flagstones of the dining room floor at the Slithering Eel Inn

Most bandits formed unhealthy relationships to jewels and other valuables at an early age

If you catch the mystery shopper they should let you behead them in the break room

(punching a little gray alien in the stomach) encounter this!

Can’t tell if the Americans are fucking with us by making their fascism all about going to a big shop and then eating junk food while watching TV. Seems a bit on the nose

We must destroy woke and anyone who gets in our way so I can live in an attic bedroom with posters all over the walls. I am willing to submit to a computer god that only lets me rent the posters in order to achieve this dream

“Chill out man I was only putting a little mustard on the hot dog”. Ok well I didn’t say you could squeeze my venom sac and that’s not a hot dog, that’s my plate of nachos, and now my nachos are dissolving.

My fool’s trousers fall down once: part of the act? shame on him My fool’s trousers fall down twice: I’m not feeding him enough. Shame on me.

I hate The Naked Howling Disgusting Cannibal Changeling Pervert but it would be rude to brandish my pitchfork at him while he’s feeding

The miller’s wife is giving probably widowed (most of the levied men returned last winter) yet dignified and nice with it. The handsome ploughman is giving vulture circling. Scavenger. Hound. Yet with a strange animal dignity and also nice with it.

I’m sabotaging the space stations air recyclers as a protest against the janitors guild

Donald Trump (deleting medbed video): Sorry I didn’t mean to press send Donald Trump (posting medbedfedwed video): The bed also feeds you silage and gets you married

"it's equidistant " do i look like i know how long a horse is

The villagers keep prodding me in my soft underbelly so they can watch me roll up into a ball

People don’t really get splattered by drawbridges falling open on their heads anymore

the king's footmen? i did not know he was a freak like that

I saw your girl at the wishing well with a huge sack of coins

they let me out

Thirt33z is a browser extension for people in their thirties that automatically adds “for someone my age” to the end of every Google search

Þe whole towne already knewe because þe oysterman's boy does kiss and tell.

The magistrate was in his cups last night and told the whole tavern that Goody Smythe has a WAP. This morning he swears that he meant a Womanish yet Admirable Piety

Trying to get my hideous buddy removed from the castle bestiary

Every friend group has a guy called 🍭 Childhood Steve. You know 💯 he'll head back to the fair alone for a second go on the ghost train 👻 and disappear. Little red balloon carrying ass turns up 35 years later, hasn't aged a day, always moaning like "why didn't you come look for me🥲 🎈" 😂 stfu C-Steve

smh I hate a "I am from the medical ethics board, l have written authority from a judge, I demand access to inspect your laboratory immediately”type mf