A good office joke is to suggest that it’s Friday on a day other than Friday. Another good office joke is to live in the ceiling.

Sometimes i look my wife in the eyes and say “hey, good hustle”

angry frenchman: no more monsieur homme-gentil

[a single car honks its horn] Man it’s crazy out there right now

I am ready to strike. Any time any place. My car is double parked. I’m gonna have to move it soon

you kicked my gun away? what the hell man that's what I was crawling towards.

Coughing in a manner most French

le danse corncobre

I've destroyed every trace of who took your vitamins, but i am going to need some assurances

look you work at this sprint phone kiosk long enough you are gonna get a few bomb threats

taking my hog to the hogwash

[comforting you as you puke into a storm drain] this is exactly why i started my newsletter

Substitute teachers in the 2040s trying to pronounce different spellings of “Avatar 2”

Explaining to another angry diner that the pasta is clearly labeled “cubotelli” because it’s a cube and you only get the one because it’s obviously very large

Hey man. I just want you to know. Regardless of the outcome. You know, whatever happens. I will contact your wife.

Syncing stains across all my shirts

you keep saying "fiasco" but like in a negative way?

Only tipping 10% on my power bill this month. Do better.

Hi, I’m here to buy a new car. But not any of the ones i just hit.

[Showing my wife the flightradar24 track of our plane currently plummeting into the sea] And it has a bunch of other features too, but you gotta pay

Oh you like my shoes? Thanks, they’re rentals

how come they don't have the sun on other planets?

I think as a sack I would find joy in my purpose

Wetting my food in the kitchen sink

[Cybernetic future me steps out of time machine at the dinner party] Everybody’s heard that story

Using a banana to pretend to call in a bomb threat

Amber is short for amberger sandwich

Copilot reformat this for dogs. Dog format.

Take a gander leave a gander

i redact things from my own mind w this gas rag

This was no accident. These boards were all karate chopped.

[Guy who bought a grappling hook yesterday] No man it’s crazy i woke up and my gutters were just like that

Gosh damn, dude

the phrase ‘phone it in’ no longer makes sense bc making a phone call is one of the worst things you can be asked to do

finally having the graphic talk about where old people come from

[Grabbing the barber’s wrist] Remember your oath.

I believe Abraham Lincoln said “it best”

Yes, I can hear you better now, thanks [LYING]

no way are centaurs flexible enough to wipe

Nothing about the Olympics coverage even hints at recent advancements in toothbrush technology

Rotating a skull in my mind and fucking up my entire face and head

[guy who thinks the middle east is the same as middle earth] we should bomb the middle east.

Pulling a police dog out of retirement for one last case after like a month

See the phenomenon that’s making America say “I don’t think so, Tim”

Guy doing my lethal injection just came out of the bathroom and his hands are totally dry

Sorry doc but i didn’t come here just have you wave your fancy invoices at me

Blurry ass doctor without borders

Hiding the phone from your date while you discreetly google “spaghetti”

Glum kids on a bare slope love to see me roll up with a bucket of gravel marked “emergency scree”

I know the harvest festival is important and all but what if we tried something new? What if we took a little blood from a lot of people instead of a lot of blood from me?