It is unclear from the cockpit voice recorder if the final command was issued by the captain directly or via his hand puppet as the voice he did for it wasn’t really that different

Video game idea: jumping

kids growing so fast I feel like I’m constantly buying new barrels with suspenders

A nation in shock demands a briefing

Mysterious trousers of european length

Adventures are for everyone, not just the busty

who would win in a fight?

Oh you’re caught in a bear trap? How embarrassing, outsmarted by a bear

The first jeans were carved from pure jean

If i were a pedestrian i would 100% walk places

"living the dream" I say, running but not actually moving.

my eyes roll back and turn white as i call my dentist to reschedule

I’m the Johnny Appleseed of gravel

You can use it in a second, I’m almost done [maintaining eye contact while I continue to press the +30 seconds button on the microwave every time it reaches 1 for two hours straight]

This is the year that i find out i was one credit short of graduating high school and go back to finish. also my friends are there

If the shoes are a problem can your horse at least wipe his feet

Good thing i came prepared [long shot of me taking cold cuts out of every pocket]

[Heist chief] And this is our getaway driver. If it’s got four wheels he can drive it. [Driver] Three wheels. [Driver] Trikes only.

I am sorry i do not understand your primitive twentieth century sandwiches

[Guy who’s only bit is bringing up Chicago style pizza so he can say that one Jon Stewart joke about casserole] So you guys ordering a pizza? From what city?

If anything you backing away from me is what’s threatening

There’s more to the roller rink than just their ATM

2025 was a good year if you like months

[ringing the neighbor’s doorbell with a toaster under my arm] merry christmas can i use your bathtub real quick

If i fought a battle of the mind i would have crazy side effects. Everybody on the bus would know.

We should split up. We’ll cover more ground that way.

“1024 1080 800 600 640 480 768 1440 4k 8k” - The Mute Lister’s Refrain

Look, Tiny Tim made it. Time of death, 12:05 December 26th.

Ran out of paper halfway through wrapping the predator statue and now i really wish I’d started from the top

Strategically stacking the gifts so my wife opens the bullets first.

we’re not having dessert until i finish my karate demonstration and I’m not starting my karate demonstration until *everybody* comes outside

Taking down grandma’s door with a battering ram even though she invited us

Three ranged eggs

I’m starting to wonder why the police even need my lip prints

Going back home for Christmas means awkward conversations with high school friends turned common gear vendors

Sometimes i think this is all too many

I feel like I'm taking regular pills!

Dating app that matches you alphabetically. Who even cares anymore.

Dad always used to “time to go home? Five cigarettes.” Then he smoked five cigarettes. He had a few other sayings about smoking

Inviting a new friend over and high fiving him so hard his wife gasps

“North by northeast maybe?” - The Windguesser

Zipping around the office on my heelys. “Hot stuff comin through “ i say, though I’m not actually holding any soup. It’s just me

Race to the Bottom: The Sordid History of Me Falling Down This Staircase Again

[man with the most blockable opinions] lmao sure go ahead and block me lol. literally laughing to myself .

Oh right, like how when you have a sore thumb it sticks straight out. That’s a thing in my experience so i understand.

I’m calling in sick. I’m coming in fast and hot.

Nice “job” prometheus but anybody can bring fire to humans. I do it all the time. I’m doing it right now.

Before my uncle died he told me he hid a gun in every super mario.

Driving my beyblade through traffic. I don’t care. I have a prescription to pick up.

Only a week and a half left to perfect all your Christmas moves