“Your one task was keeping those crystals in alignment!” No. I have other tasks.

America: Birthplace of New Jersey

Yeah I’m into retro stuff. Like the pyramids. Stay in school.

Doc says my sweating is advanced for my age 😏

I'm sorry but that's outside of my light cone

There’s this guy at my office, Dan.

In some ways divorce is the opposite of marriage

Oh yeah? And how’s that workin out for ya, smart guy? Real good from the looks of it. Real nice, actually.

Americans demand dense, walkable corn mazes

An "arctic blast" killed my whole expedition but ok call your toothpaste that

Elevator: positive, uplifting Escalator: provocative, threatening

Hey man how did it go? [to the paramedic] Can he hear me?

Let’s consult The Official Website

Yeah, plus as a fly on the wall you’d also get to hear and see everything that happened. Wait what did you mean

Yeah I’m into nature, things of that

I got thirty guys to line up on a staircase and they don’t know this yet but I’m gonna jumpkick the top one

I wish I got the same reaction when a big bowl of spaghetti “splashed down” the front of my hanes beefy tee

Somebody forgot to poke holes in the conference room but that’s ok we can just get new consultants

Tapping my phone real slow, real casual. I’m not worried or anything. I had my ticket activated the whole time.

Ok folks let’s all line up again. We’re going to keep “doing a Cinderella” until we find out whose retainer this is.

Uh oh everything looks regular but the violins are doing something crazy

Look man we can still fight if you want but your nose is bleeding pretty bad and we haven’t actually started

One last breakfast before lunch

Maintenance department set to announce sweeping changes

Surprise! [I pull the trap door lever and you fall into my crawlspace. Most of you is still above the floor.]

Viral footage of my death getting copyright striked because the duck tales theme loops while i bleed out

Please anyone, have you seen my son? His name is Sample A. Sample.

Going back in time to ask my teenage self if he’s still gay

America’s over 75s are double right-clicking on a pdf so hard the mouse creaks

OK the astronauts are gone we can take down all this fake stuff on earth

Pretty much all my words are "of mouth"

Menacing kids are rollerblading at me on purpose? "Nothing I can do" says the mayor

Just finished up typing “hog dog” (no quotes)

JRPG cities have areas called “Eastern District” and “Undercity Zone” instead of “Glen Brook Oaks” and “The Projects”

I just wanted let you know how much your payment means to all of us here at accounts receivable.

Strangling a guy with my judo belt

If you fight an Ulta employee they only drop cosmetics

I think you’re failing to fully grasp the scope of the phrase “sofas and sectionals”

Stop being weird about it and let me brush your teeth

Take two eggs out of the carton when my wife is in the kitchen, but when she walks out? Third Egg.

Every time my kid shows me something i turn around and do it like 10x better

Society created the conditions that allowed this to happen so maybe you should be laughing at and filming society instead of me

Debuffing the grocery cashier with coupon after coupon

engaged in the classic conflict of man vs bedtime

Banned for life but I can say conclusively that the joust is easily won by a skilled archer at Medieval Times restaurant

I told you it’s not dandruff it’s just scabs

[texting my wife] meeting went well, I think this might finally get me noticed [guy in the next stall taking the foamiest shit] aaauughh

at gas station talkim bout gas station lore how it used to be other brand gas station