America's 250th cannot recapture the unity we shared at the release of Young Guns II

Whole village out processing the giant who died in the ravine.

Wizard’s mom loudly sighing while cleaning all the empty health potions out of his room because of course she’s gotta be a fucking martyr about everything

How about Godzilla vs Child Illiteracy? How about that?

Previously, on Things That Happened Before This

Buying eggs sucks because you gotta carry like twelve baskets

Every week I generate more and more trash but it’s never enough for those insatiable garbage men

You were so focused on chasing that six figure job that you missed your one chance to build a six figure family

The worst part of drowning is all the money you wasted on vitamins

[On all fours, ear to the downspout] It’s a spider. And he’s alone.

DNR monogrammed shirts. DNR business cards.

Here 2: 4 Unseen Circumstances

"How do I put this?" - The Word Mincer

Real clockheads know what time it is

For sale: baby shoes, $900

No offense but your hometown seems like the kind of place I’d meet your mom and dad

Seriously? “rampant”? Just listen to yourself. I was running regular.

Going Dark While We Rework The Channel @reallretro87 24 views 3y ago Real Retro Game Review: Stick & Hoop @reallretro87 8k Views 4y ago

Thanks to everyone who made today possible

Props to my doctor for using the word “lousy” correctly

Kids taunt me and call me the Toilet Man only because they overhear their parents calling me “unclean” for living in this toilet

every movie has a ton of skulls in it you just can't see most of em

Dad never really talked about the time he spent in Team Fortress Classic

i'm on a C-Beam diet. i see c-beams glittering at the Tannhäuser gate and i remember them

I’m going to need you to undress and put this gown on. Opening in front and back.

[TV trope] Guy exiting room through door/portal

Baby you’re so beautiful and I really feel that for a moment there we shared a subway car

Fortune 500 company posts another great quarter but, surprise surprise, the office toilet paper is still that super thin stuff that’s crazy loud and has a big flap in the middle

Uh nice amulet dude [steps aside to reveal sign saying "Talisman Club"]

Well meaning strangers keep wrestling the gun-shaped pill dispenser out of my mouth so I gotta carry a regular gun to point at them while I use my pill gun on myself

Is this your first time here? OK let me explain. There’s no paper menu. No staff, no food. I’ll be back when you’re ready.

Computer summarize my desktop icons

Eating dinner with my wife at the time

You are so lucky that i don’t have my gunblade on me and also that I’m too weak to lift it

My gifted children have already mastered the art of online banking.

[In the forced labor lithium mines] 🎶 I’m all out of faith, this is how i feel 🎶

a bug that's seen some shit and has a one yard stare

Outside the gas station selling loosie lottery numbers

Yes I studied the blade but as you can see most of my experience has been in marketing.

I’ll have what she’s having. Give me her food.

“Your one task was keeping those crystals in alignment!” No. I have other tasks.

America: Birthplace of New Jersey

Yeah I’m into retro stuff. Like the pyramids. Stay in school.

Doc says my sweating is advanced for my age 😏

I'm sorry but that's outside of my light cone

There’s this guy at my office, Dan.

In some ways divorce is the opposite of marriage

Oh yeah? And how’s that workin out for ya, smart guy? Real good from the looks of it. Real nice, actually.

Americans demand dense, walkable corn mazes

An "arctic blast" killed my whole expedition but ok call your toothpaste that