it's important we all stay on message, and that message is an unsolicited photo of a penis I sent 2 hours ago

Mandy Pétank

doctor: what, no, no vaping in my office me: I'm vaping wherever I want I'm the vapeman doctor: oh yes, it's right here on your chart, vapeman, I'm sorry please go ahead

logging the consistency of my shits in my consistency journal

I feel like my life would be better if I was missing one or two toes. could tell people I meet, "I'm missing a couple toes." and they'd say, "no way." then I could show them that I'm missing a couple of toes

actors above the age of 60 love to wear colourful, round glasses frames. as a statement.

circus act where the audience gets to shoot at me with guns

(being carried off by a large bird) alright catch you later i guess

circus act where I'm fired out of a cannon at my wife and two young sons who are waiting to catch me in a large net but there's too much gunpowder so they're instead painted in a storm of gore and viscera

I wonder what kind of stuff is living in the fingerholes on bowling balls. I bet there's some good stuff in there and I would like to touch it

rural ontario bowling alley bathroom decor

i'm 68 years old and addicted to facebook and youtube shorts made with AI

everyone should have one or two aunts who sound like Rod Stewart

I've designed a toque that will instantly start a friendship with other 30+ year old men who wear little toques

I never tell lie

CANT GET THE POO TO COME OUT OF RIGHT HOLE !!?

inhaled a. bunch of weird gasses

my new years tradition of doing a headstand in a shallow pool of weird water was not a hit this year, after I inhaled too much water and collapsed sideways onto a beautiful ikea tv console and bookshelf

my new years resolution is to follow randy

Pretty disappointed. Came up with so many good new years resolutions, but none of my friends willing to take my advice.

I was told the best way to get rid of peach fuzz is to blanche with boiling water but now my face is just fucked and the fuzz isn't gone

I'm watching videos of cool wrestling moves and replicating them at home

fell out of a tree and experienced large parts of the Iliad in my coma, when I woke up my bully was totally chill with me now we're boyfriends

got caught at work suctioning my lips over the bathroom faucet and filling my cheeks up like a balloon again

dressing up as Santa Christmas morning, walking out the door and never coming back to my family

I made a Flubber from the film Flubber for my house

guy who can flip his penis and balls back inside his pelvis like the head on an old Transformers toy

getting black out drunk in the evil chao garden

when you die, you pass through the bright light of the Jennifer Hudson show tunnel

I went to medieval times tonight and my night lost and I'm out thousands of dollars now and my daughter needs an orthodontist

ewn duh twa cat sink set wheat nerf

I want to die

I’m going to kill you but I hope you’re mature enough to not let that affect our professional relationship

I had a manic episode once and thought I was Vanessa Hudgens

I don't know how to fit in on the book app

He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says what if Shaggy Scooby while Scrappy watchin

camera roll memory thank you

DK from bintendo just delivered the pizza I ordered from dominos and I tipped him handsomely

if a customer makes an unreasonable demand of me tomorrow I swear to God I will simply fulfill their request

cut man from mega man is coming to my house for thanksgiving

what does men's wear guy have to say about poor people wearing the wrong colour belt or no belt at all

lending a book to DK from bintento

sat down on the toilet when the lid was up now I'm stuck

executioner cutting off my vaping hand

the doctor is ceaselessly impressed by all the huge vape clouds I make in the waiting room

slipping as I walk into a cafe and doing a million dollar baby neck break moment on the wet floor sign

they'll know how to find me because of the wretched trail of filth I track everywhere I go

Cough cough, come close my nephews. I have spent my entire life putting points into Wisdom. Now I share my learnings with you: Wisdom is illusory. Intelligence is masturbatory. Strength is a joke. Put your points in Charisma. All that matters is whether people think you're cool.