i’m on the altar guiding your knife hand saying “it’s okay i want this too”

everybody is meeting up under the bridge do you still have those fireworks

i must not allow fear to make itself a guest in my home

I had the Grinch over to my house to watch the Super Bowl last night. He actually has insane ball knowledge, he played in high school I think. Really interesting guy. Unfortunately he stole like 6 pounds of deli meat out of my fridge so I don't think I'm going to invite him back.

i’ve been making bargains with sinister forest creatures

baby i got you this

detective: so you’re just out walking in the woods alone and you stumble on this body? me: yes sir worst thing i ever saw in my life detective: do you mind me asking what you were doing in the woods? me: (inaudible) detective: can you speak up son? we're recording. me: chasing a leprechaun

i am bart

you can just give yourself a pass for all the embarrassing things you did in the past, no one else is going to give it to you because they don't remember you doing them

no baby i think it's great that you love all this stupid shit

pov you’re the new person getting walked past my cubicle at work

electronic music should make you feel like you're being hunted by a supernatural beast in the jungle

alien trying to fit in by starting a manosphere podcast: these hoes only want one thing... mineral-rich soil to take back to their dying planet

texting my mom: thank you for the article about cats i love you and appreciate you texting my dad: new evidence of aliens, check youtube texting Dr. Pepper: i'm pregnany

what does it mean when the groundhog won’t come out of the hole and you hear a single gunshot from inside

the moon is telling me to do credit card fraud

your honor… (gestures at prosecutor and makes jerk off motion)

every single moment must be lived

the purpose of all creatures is to scuttle about to and fro

yeah man

hey guys listen i thought about it and i’m going to go out into the unnatural fog, i have shit to do

when i run out of things to talk to my therapist about we do donuts in the parking lot

sitting on the curb by the gas station eating an 8 pack of edible panties

going down to the crypt to kiss each one of the bats goodnight

i don’t feel like going down into the crypt tonight i don’t care what lurks there

i love everything except all the bad stuff and i hate everything except all the good stuff

love a wild woman who lives deep in the woods and is rumored to eat children

what it feels like to do mushrooms with the homies

(making small talk with Sisyphus) that thing heavy? looks heavy

running around a dead mall at 2am with a sword

reading a book in the dark by firing a gun over it

british guy: i hope americans are ready to be hated lib american reply: i'm so ashamed of my countrymen, i hope that the british don't hate me specifically Hamburglar: i haven't stolen anything since i got sober

small lion sleeps in man’s lap

me and my therapist just kind of shrugging at each other

i'm a normal person, i call myself a shitposter in my 40's, i have a script that tells me when someone blocks me, i only post during peak engagement hours, these are normal healthy behaviors

doctor spent the entire appointment just shaking his head at my circumstances

inflexible trees break in the storm playboy you must bend like a reed in the wind