SATURDAY NIGHT!

cop: did he send any texts around the time of the crash? cop 2: he sent a post that reads “padding my three track album with 26 skits and interludes” cop: not bad but it ain’t going viral cop 2: posting isn’t just about going viral cop: (sighs) not this shit again

go ahead and take your bath on me i don’t give a shit anymore

tactical gel for masturbating

going to bed after a long day of doing jack shit

when it came into the light its limbs were all in the wrong places

drunk dudes will yell some crazy shit while they’re fighting “you know i lived with my grandparents when i was a kid” alright man you’re working through something i get it

guinea pigs make some cute ass cartoon noises

whoa playboy you just got slime on me

thom yorke voice: i’m just hamster trapped in your treadmill

post yourself from a different dimension

i don’t care about posting anymore and i’m making it your problem

system at work is down for an upgrade so the next two days i will be playing my steam deck and watching youtube videos

sitting down to piss so i can floss and pet my cat

it's a shame group chats don't exist here i enjoyed leaving them

i absolutely hate those buzz balls commercials get that shit out of my face

they are putting personalized cult leaders on your phone now this is a thing we should be putting billions of dollars into

Enchanted Forest my ass i just got gutshot with a crossbow by an anthropomorphic toad and family of foxes pissed on me

"it's football folks" - new catchphrase

hey let me live motherfucker i just wanna live

Ideally they would live in separate rooms and interact solely through whispers into the dividing wall.

Healthy relationships need one person who smokes weed all day every day and one person who can never ever smoke weed again even once. Sometimes there are a bunch of other people too, no judgment

she wanna ride it for free like im zohran mamdani

in high school i had BIG IDEAS so i bought fabric paint and made a shirt that said PLASTIC PEOPLE MELTING IN THE HEAVENS on the front and BEWARE OF SALVATION GOD IS NO LONGER WATCHING on the back and wore it to school

I need ozempic for my ass it looks like im smuggling pumpkins in these jeans

hey man don't write 666 that's not cool that's actually evil

babe i don't want to get up will you give me my Trulicity shot

Breaking news—I’ve destroyed my family following years of selfish, destructive behavior

if you wish to attract people you must be a light and if when those people get close and realize it is a false light leading them into the rocks so their precious cargo can be stolen then that's kind of on them

three eggroll dinner

nice soul bro truly wretched

i'm the guy who decides what posts get tagged as rude on bluesky and i cannot tell you how many monocles i go through in a day

my nesting partner was sucked into a jet engine and came out the other side as soup

snake god worshipper: you here to worship the Snake God? me: shit this isn’t the Divine Mouse temple? snake god worshipper: not even close, man

LIGHTNING MCQUEEN: Hey there little buddy, why don’t you come up front here so we can snap that photo you paid for? ME: (trying to look inside his passenger-side window to see if there’s a brain or something in there) Uh-huh, big fan.

forever persecuted for being myself

on the jury muttering “oink oink oink” every time a cop is testifying

i don't like it when a song sounds like circus music but if i am at the circus i keep this kind of thing to myself

peeing at the urinal with my pants pulled all the way down to my ankles and my shirt pulled all the way up to my nipples

RFK Jr: You know, if someone… collapses in front of you the best course of action is… to leave immediately, because their soul just… came out and it’s flying around the room looking for a new… vessel at that point

this is what i looked like when i was telling my mom i was not practicing wrestling moves on my little brother

"i have arachnaphobia" ok dude just say youre a massive pussy next time. ill hire strippers with a normal amount of arms and eyes for your 2nd marriage bachelor party after this one fails because youre a boring puritan

wish i could donate my penis to someone it's pretty cool and i think it deserves a better owner

if my kid died trying to take a selfie i would tell everyone that they were adopted

doing the gentleman's nod to a spider crawling by on the floor

i think very slowly it takes me days to have a full thought

i think it would take me roughly three weeks to kill myself after making a gimmick account

you can kinda wiggle most tombstones out of the ground like they are a rotten tooth