I would pay any amount of money to give Dr Eggman a blumpkin for his birthday

My bitch mom says if I don’t get a job by age forty I have to sign up for MAID 😡😡😡

I’ve been telling people that the friction burn on my upper lip is from eating pussy but it’s actually from grinding my face against my cats scratching post

used my lunch break to shoot myself in the dick with a panzerfaust #JustGirlyThings

My belly button is prolapsed and I have long covid

My brain is as smooth as a bowling ball and as stinky as a poop

Something fishy is going on with my poop

Hauk tuah spit on that thang

Death to America probably I guess

I must be loyle to my capo

Starting a new game show called “Hunk or Unc” where vulnerable young men go through humiliating trials for my amusement

Everybody loves me so much they’re afraid to talk to me or even acknowledge me

[Proverb] Happiness is gay

Mr beast is my incubus but he just stares at me soullessly instead of trying to hump me or whatever

I’ve been saving up my poop so I can sell it as manure

Imagining a guy who likes math so much he calls himself “math liker”

I pull up

The old guy from Up was such a loser and a simp, boo-hoo your wife died big whoop who cares

Just clobbed my jonk VC style 😎

*sardaukar voice* Diarrheas are messages from the deep

Imagining a silly little guy and sternly shaking my head at his fictional antics

Half pound arbys roast queef sandwich

There’s an old dude riding a mobility scooter in this Arby’s drive thru

I no longer identify as a power bottom

Imma done a tummy shame 🥴

There might be a poop in my butt

@wendys I would kill myself for a Dave’s single

The currant bush in Squire Shartsbury’s garden is fit to burst with berries but Father said he’d tan my hide if I got caught trespassing on the Squire’s property again ☹️

The liberty mutual guy just live-streamed himself killing the emu and then himself with a twelve gauge shotgun

It's beginning to look a lot like fuck off

There’s a real je ne sais quoi to my poops that really sets them apart from the pack

*my wife is talking to my boss while i sit in a chair and rock back and forth* Look, in our home we don’t like to use the word ‘simpleton’, but it’s not totally off base

Shaking my ass in the Taco Bell drive thru

Wrestling is leftist actually 💅

Peanus butter

Poop

My butthole is a dangerous and unproven pseudoscience

Repost this! Do it now! Do it right now you son of a bitch!!!!

The Wendy’s minion got me feeling all kinds of things I’ve never felt before

Your ninjitsu techniques are most impressive, but they pale in comparison to my immediately-shoot-myself-in-the-head-jitsu

There’s something so alluring about the female boobie…

Have you guys heard about peter griffin

quagmire from family goo

If I could time travel I would go back in time and shoot Kurt cobaine with a shotgun right before he killed himself

Every year on my birthday I have a big heaping bowl of Rocky Mountain oysters

The Japanese have a philosophical concept called “obama no penisu”, which is when your butthole itches but it lowkey kind of feels good