i will never ‘Finish setting up my phone’

Gunge! [polite applause] Slime! [applause, a few whoops] Sludge! Gunk! And goo! [whole crowd is on their feet cheering] Fresh water.. from a clear mountain stream..? [confusion in the crowd, some booing] ....teeming with brain eating bacteria! [crowd roars in delight, lost in ecstatic jubilation]

killing myself so i can avoid getting sick or injured ever again in the future

mandolin made entirely of bones

They’re testing my blood tomorrow to see if if I possess the Scary gene

‼️ Voodoo mama has arrived 10 mins early with your protection amulet. Say thank you by tipping them with an extra blood sacrifice?

If someone attacked me with a sword my skin would not betray me it would simply deflect that shit

a real person

jimmy kimmel's career is so important to me

Siri how to strike fear back into the hearts of the villagers once they’ve found out it’s actually my servants who’ve been howling from the outskirts at night

If you ever see me methodically cracking my toes you are about to get punted

highly concerned about my choice to take a bath

Ghostly visages love to ooo and ahhh. Really they’re trying to tell us about all the wondrous items there are on the other side

Got a little case of dread on account of everything.

Me: I hate it when somebody changes their smell Gf: you know what that sounds like? Me: apex predator, cave biome

Wizards of a faraway coast

do isolated thunderstorms get lonely or not really

substack son or onlyfans daughter

rare windowsill favorina

Bro you should come through, we're doing dark reprisals

white-breasted nuthatch foraging along a ponderosa trunk 🪶

they accidentally let me see the grand scheme of things

bird swirl

Here are some nice mushrooms

I don’t typically believe in stereotypes but my black cat does start purring every time I stand over a bubbling cauldron

+10 HP, Stamina Bar completely refilled

*"Guy who is on the turnip truck" voice* if I fall off this conveyance, I will be taken for the rube that I am!

Nonsense is one of the most classic things to spout

surprising my doctor by revealing my second health bar

No one can agree on whether berries are poisonous are not - I have seen compelling evidence from both sides.

just stockpiled 10k worth of bulk microplastics in my garage

◻️ My mind, body, and spirit are yours; use me as you please ☑️ I no longer wish to receive promotional messages or special offers from Idiot World

We should gather a bunch of 70 yr old autistic men to go trick or treating at the white house just to give them a really good jump scare

Working my fingers to the bone just in time to scare the crap outta some trick or treaters

unhooking my jaws

Man with blue kalashnikov

*Brandishes rolling pin* Who's there?!? *Sheaths rolling pin* Must have been the wind...

jimmy kim is coming back and going scorched earth, doing nasty stuff to mick mouse consensually. saying words that haven’t been said on tv since the early 90’s. definitely not groveling to the fascists. he’s gonna open carry live on tv. big gun gigantic gun toting jimmy kimel live punisher Kimmel

Calmly and respectfully asking my goblin children to spit and scream somewhere else for a moment

Parents if you're looking for something to do this weekend, I recommend shaving your kid's head and if you have multiple children choose one and only shave their head. Never explain yourself. Refuse to talk about it for the rest of your life and just sort of see what effect this has down the line.

tune in after the break for medical advice from a reanimated bog body

[looking at dinosaur skeletons at the museum] who even comes up with this stuff?

I wish people would stop putting boo in their usernames I can only take so many jump scares in a day

Out of the Foliage • 2021

Eyes rolling back in my head as I extend my jaw to devour a sandwich in the breakroom