People call me autistic all the time but I think they’ve just forgotten that neurotypical people can be rude

People keep calling that tom Macdonald song pop punk and I don’t want to say anything defending pop punk because it immediately makes you look like a sex pest but I will say that it sounds a lot closer to hobo johnson to me

It would actually make a lot of sense if jefferey Epstein was dyslexic. He was inverting the numbers of his victims age in his head. He thought they were 01

Erika Kirk’s mom: isn’t she beautiful? I’m going to name her kkk Baby name doctor: oh no you mustn’t. Why don’t you add eriair to that and maybe a space somewhere. Wherever you choose

I could make you feel shame. All I’d have to do is make you ashamed of me and then reveal that I’ve been you all along

I think you’re mistaken glam.com. The killer was actually Tyler Robinson and he didn’t use his legs he used a gun like normal

How do we put this is terms you understand... okay basically the Goofus in the couple gets to be chancellor in bed and Gallant is usually the functionary

How do couples decide who gets to be the chancellor during sex and who has to be the wretched functionary

I wish I could afford wet food for every meal

Spent 15 minutes looking at all the different Luna bar flavors and imagining how good they would taste then choked down a protein bar for men and went to sleep

God: let’s do one last animal…. I calm him man Angel: oh nice it can hang out with all the other ones God: no this one’s lonely lol

she died doing what she loved: microwaving a ton of silverware

The microwave……. I must have her

I think more about the microwave than most people think about their families

Hey siri Jefferey Epstein nerds gummy clusters commercial

(voice quavering) you probably won't like me when i'm sad

Who cries about something so incredibly funny?

Pencil

If you kidnapped Savannah guthries mom then you have a fiduciary duty to your shareholders to seek out the highest ransom possible

If all of my followers just contributed $505 we could outbid Savannah Guthrie for her mom

I used to think you were like a dog but now I realize you’re more of a very loyal hamster

I don’t agree with everyone my buddy who definitely definitely has CTE votes for but I do agree with his decision not to annihilate his family. Yet.

Paul Westerberg making the rest of the mats leave the studio so he could record a front facing video complaining about his coffee shop experience

I hate the coffee shop

It’s so embarrassing to be alive

Hey siri is Portland state one of the little ivies

If a crow tried to attack me I would fuck it up so bad. The pope should have released me over the Vatican instead of pathetic doves

I am on a carnivore diet so I just eat meat and ferments, and I'm very happy with that. So I'm probably going to have a couple jars of kimchi

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Reminder to start your branding iron heating up on the coals now or your partner might just be stolen away by a rustler of love

Slather me up with your respect

Kidnappers are some of our coolest criminals. They stole a person. Show some respect

I would just do whatever kidnappers wanted no questions asked because I would want them to think I was cool

Six million dollars for Savannah Guthries mom is a steal

Hey siri if I was small enough to have sex with the nub of a nine volt battery would I also be small enough for nine volts to kill me

Fuck you

Before sedentary agriculture ruined everything you could just steal whatever you needed from a Barnes and noble

How did people organize before QR codes

Standup comedy is inherently reactionary. Comedy that ferments in your inner darkness like kimchi is vanguardism

2007 deserves a Faulkner more than the antebellum south ever did

Hey siri aleister crowley coaching tree

When you put on the Amazon blue and grey you leave your personal issues in the delousing chamber. Do I make myself understood?

Diva cup full of golden elyxir for your thoughts bro

I can’t believe the Winter Olympics are only 17 days long and then I’ll never see beautiful cortana on my tv anymore. This is halo 4 all over again

I would thrive getting put out to sea on an ice floe

The Winter Olympics is one of the only remaining times that we can all get together as a country and root for the same thing: to watch someone die out on the ice