What race puts the most plastic on their couches? The answer might surprise you! Don’t touch that clicker

In the future every inhabitable space on earth will be a tattoo shop for 15 minutes

Borge’s Ficciones, Ranked

I get my kicks from a proprietary blend of cruelty and treats

The road to hell is paved with smooth stones. They’re cool on my bare feet as the new days sun crests over the dark trees. Soon we’ll begin again.

I don’t trust anyone who went right to vaping without passing through the middleman of cigarettes first

My mom converted to secular humanism for my dads family and I think she always resented him for it

Starting to give up on my dream of evoking a smile

I’m young and dumb and full of something new

‘You better not miss the last train to loserville’ is actually kind of a self own if you think about it. Why do you know train schedules

Me: I’d like to swing back to the strawberry stinkrats Couples counselor: can you unpack that a bit more? My wife: UGH. They’re normal rats that smell like strawberries. Ask him if they exist in nature or only within the confines of his emotionally withholding mind

I can’t stay mad at the man who wrote boom boom mancini and gorilla you’re a desperado

Me: they’re rats, and they stink. But the stink smell reminds you of strawberries Gf: yeah I understand. You’ve talked about this many times.

The doctor is screaming and in giggling and kicking my little legs back and forth on the paper chair saying I’m something new, I’m something new

You’re not socialist when you’re hungry. Snickers.

You’re not socialist you’re just hungry

Cool, cool. So you’re telling me I just made them up?

The amount of time you were allowed to talk to me about Uriah Heep ticked up embarrassingly high during my 20s but now it’s back to being basically zero

Kinks 1967 to 1970 greatest three years in the history of guitar music

You either die the gerber baby or you live long enough to become the gerber man with his charry visage and his eyes like glowing coals

Me: how will this affect my solitary wandering Wife: you’ll have to stay home more and take care of the baby Me: I hate you!!! I hate the baby!!!

I can’t wait to experience a few fleeting moments of goodwill towards all mankind in a month or so

Q: you have some the difference between William Burroughs and William tell on your shirt A: what’s the difference between William Burroughs and William tell Q: not much what’s the difference between William Burroughs and William tell with you

Olmec heads? Put a pin in that. Terraced rice paddies? Let’s swing back to that

Want to shed pounds without appearing any differently? Have I got the procedure for you; tel me, how invested are you in your souls weight being a positive number

So what shortys buoyancy is due to her soul weighing negative

My body will probably get a lot heavier when I die due to my soul weighing negative

You could be a really reliable guide through these marshes if you put any effort into it babe and also if you learned to glow babe

Hey siri is shifting corridors elder abuse

Slash and burn agriculture ruined my life

Took a wrong turn and ended up in the quiet posters feed. Those guys are freaks.

The general consensus among archaeologists is that Easter island heads are smarter but Olmec heads are more compassionate

L + ratio + no domesticable cereal grains + no large beasts to help you develop immunity to infection diseases

Would you still love me if I was reduced to ash and coals

When Willie wonka fell down I freaked tf out. I thought the movie was over

If I et my son he’d stay et. I don’t give a good got damn what he pulls out of the thunderclouds

Grieving takes 6 weeks and it costs between $150 and $300

You can’t steal a joke from the Simpsons the same way you can’t own the sea or cage the forest

Cheerios lower cholesterol but they raise blood sugar. Death leers out at me from every crevice.

I ❤️ my pipedog son

Before I found god they called me Danny boy because the pipe was always calling

Danny ass boy damn

IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE - IF A PLANT CAN EAT IT, A MAN CAN EAT IT -END OF LIST

Glenn 2: Glenn and Down the mountainside

My pfp is from an old picture, I’m white now

The crazy thing about nazi actress Sidney sweetney is that the biggest boob was between her ears all along

Taking some apps out behind the shed and humanely closing them