I’m stirring. Do you not consider me a creature?

Upstairs downstairs in his night gown? In this economy?

Two in not in my backyard one in yes in my backyard. It’s called the shockmby

Yes in my back yard? That’s not how people talk. Do better

Wee Willie winkie’s cavalier attitude towards athletic wear is fucking me up fam

If any of you guys have a line to wee Willy winkie you should let him know that it’s not good to run in a nightgown. The sweat could ruin his garment

Birthday on Christmas is beta behavior

Move over wee Willie winkie: a new stocking capped fellow is stalking the night skies

A woman’s place is in the stocking

If I was a World War One soldier on Christmas Day and somebody scored a goal on me I would bayonet them

You ever been with somebody on a grain elevator? Because I’d love to induct you to the seventy five feet high club

It’s crazy that they invented a way for reading to film up your stupidity meter. Beautiful world.

As long as I’m here you’ll never be alone. You’ll be something worse.

It’s lowkey insane that some busted virgin gave birth to the son of god

When you grinch and she keep sucking

Don’t stop babe I’m about to grinch

Mark Cuban wishes he was in the Epstein files so he could be hanging out with all his friends doing damage control right now instead of grinching

Last minute caga tio

Fuck my human brain in a dashchunds body life

Mr Cuban, I just wanted to quickly thank you. My husband has kind of like a long dachshund body with four sets of legs coming out of his lower back and going down to the floor and he drags it around behind him and the legs wiggle around like they’re doing something but when it comes to locomotion t

Im just feeding off the hatred and suffering of this place and then moving along because I’m a mature adult but have fun playing around in it I guess

You guys excited for 1 million more documents or are you so so tired

I’ll be your jingle bell

Grandma got run over by nick reiner

If you don’t live within 50 miles of a supper club you’re already not going to heaven so why would you even bother trying to be a good person

If I’ve ever subverted your expectations please consider donating

There’s parts about my partners childhood as a child of immigrants that I’ve had to resign myself to not being able to fully understand and the same goes for her with my childhood as a dark pearl who escaped from the giant oyster they were cultivating me in to use me for evil jewelry

@puddleofbrain.bsky.social finally got your print set up on the wall. It's gorgeous. I love the newsprint packing paper too -- cool bonus.

Got too drunk at the office Christmas party and asked my boss’ Asian husband hundreds of questions about yuzu

Putting my name on Kanye’s apology to Jewish people and saying it’s from both of us

(Joss Whedon’s JUNKIE) how’s that speedball? Too speedy for you? Not speedy enough?

If my heroin problem ever got really bad I would simply start doing speed to even it out

It’s weird when people close to you become heroin addicts because it reveals like a whole John wick-esque world bubbling beneath the apparent surface of things to you except instead of guns it’s heroin

One time I was bussing for this server and a customer asked her what linguini was and she said it’s like a thicker spaghetti and then she asked her what spaghetti was and she turned to the rest of the table and asked what rock they found her under

Sometimes I walk behind the grocery store to feel blue collar

What starter pack did you crawl out of

It’s so sad to tell a baby who’s already blue that it’s all over now but that’s kind of what makes him a genius

The cowardly blob of history stops its quivering for no man

If you’re wondering why your friends in academia are a little on edge right now, it’s because their whole life is school

The grinch makes a false equivalency between size of heart and contents of heart. My heart is swollen up as big as a beach volleyball with hate. Doctors say death soon.

Good pussy sound like freakonomics podcast

Allow hatred to fill your mind and body like the air part of a balloon bro

The left needs its own pipeline to turn petty personal affronts into half a million dollars

Goodwill towards nothing and no one was the compromise

You scumbag you maggot you cheap lousy ninja merry Christmas you bastard thank god it’s our last

When I do karaoke of fairytale of New York I say ninja instead of dropping the f bomb

Goodwill towards all something for sure. We’ll work on that last bit.

Guys let’s all pick a bald former action hero who’s succumbing tonterminal dementia to roast. I’ll start: The Whole Nine Yards sucks and I hope you die soon so I can stop seeing your daughters fuckass posts on instagram

Video games have made your brain viscous and sticky like a big nut

gf sticky gf sticky mystery gf sticky not sex gf sticky not glue gf skin sticky