Sun out but still cold. Curse the pig shit god that left me here to rot

She has no kings

Where do you think we’re going to start our consolation war

If anyone ever knocks on the door I start screaming

‘It’s so cold’ and ‘it’s raining today.’ The Scott Walker weathers.

In my moms birth canal tbey had this game where cardboard cutouts of guys would pop out from behind stuff and you would have to use reflexes to either shoot them or not depending on whether they were a bad guy or a civilian and I ended up shooting two moms and a cop but they still let me be born

Michigan aka canadas septum ring

Anyone older than 24 in a misfits shirt is my enemy.

If I was an ostrich I would stick my heads in sugar instead of sand

A spoonful of sugar would also help poison go down. So you got some options

Canadas stepmom used to have big cleavage and go to space

They nerfed shakers because their furniture was too good

Histrionics should be turn based

When I was kid I was in a karate class with a bunch of Bosnians and they were pretty good at karate but they did not have inner calm like me

We could have had our first prostate cancer president but you guys are really abliest

Danny elfman: I am so so sorry. I was drunk I don’t know what came over me she meant nothing you’re the only one for me. I wrote you a song because words can be hard for me Danny elfmans wife: does it have a tuba style oompah oompah base melody? Danny elfman: yes a very contrite one

Danny elfman: check out this new one I wrote *oompah oompah oompah oompah tweedly tweedly tweedily tweedily oompah oompah* Me: nice man Danny elfman: check out this other new one I wrote *tweedily deedily tweedily deedily tweedily deedily tweedily deedily WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP* Me: that’s awesome

Do you think Danny Elfman’s family ever gets sick of his oompah oompah bullshit

Hans Zimmer was in the Buggles. Danny Elfman was in Oingo Boingo. John Williams was in world war 2. And not on the side you might expect

Remember back when our only concern in the world was whether odds would end up with ends or bodkins

Your phone is full of guys who can make your mind very sick. Climb into my mouth and I will carry you into the past

When Hamnet got in the bed with his plague sister I flipped the diaper table but baby’s fine

I’m preparing 1 million and 1

Do you work at the peanut butter factory with my dad? Do you have calluses from stirring it? My dad doesn’t. Do you hate him?

Here’s what the war in Iran could mean for Christmas tree prices this year

figure with cup and magnifying glass, 2026

Toynbee idea: peanut butter you can stir for yourself at home like you’re one of the roughnecks at the peanut butter factory

We’re a year round Christmas tree house. If you don’t like that you can move back to San francisica

White fire pouring forth from the heavens my guy

we are the daughters of skin tags you couldn't freeze

you need a firmware upgrade in the form of 'another handgun'

Everything is so easy. I should cut off another finger

Trio club has bumper cars. Also karaoke. Also they’re open for lunch.

We are the skin tags that died and got all gross looking but refused to fall off

The tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with urea. On that note I have another bad news

Before twitter if you had something to say you would have to find a drifter and lock him in your basement until he hung on your every word

Shirk your duties and come dig with me

Not with a bang or a whimper but with a deluge of smirk emojis engulfed in white flame

Susan Collin: you literally have a Nazi tattoo 😏 Graham Platner: and you literally have a Nazi precident 😏 😏 😏

If you can’t trust Iranian videos of them bombing the Statue of Liberty who can you trust

The grave is no bar to my call playboy

I put a dead man’s switch in all my data btw. So go ahead and steal it, but if it dies in your care…….. boom

You can use the blood of tyrants for anything wet. Don’t have to refresh a stupid tree with it

Letting our kids be kids also means getting back to the basics. That’s why, earlier this year, I signed into law a ray blaster that turns children into single celled amoebas

When did the Statue of Liberty get a goat head. That’s cool

He was always quick with a smile. But it wasn’t for you. And if you tried to get any of it he’d hit you. Hard.

Keebler elves come to Brazil

I ate the Doritos that turn you into special forces

Enough