Me: I hate it when somebody changes their smell Gf: you know what that sounds like? Me: apex predator, cave biome

So what shorty talked to the cab driver for 20 minutes about the difference between positive eugenics and negative eugenics

I was conceived in the Erie Canal. Not the French Erie Canal, the upstate New York variety.

Pussy wet like Lake Erie

I wish I was a little kid again. I would ask every woman I see if they were pregnant, even the skinny ones. What are they going to do, get me fired from the second grade

If womb babies aren’t supposed to eat Tylenol then why are they the exact right shape to fit through the wound in my big ol tummy? Checkmate science.

I wouldn’t say that the slush puppy dog radicalized me per se but I did buy gear from him and that’s what got me going to the gym

Tina’s burritos, Dot’s pretzels, Wendy’s frosty…… I’m practically a feminsist

I don’t hate women. I was raised by a Tina’s Red Hot Beef burrito, I love women.

My therapist was telling me about how his barber shop used to have a picture of bill clinton up on the wall in between pictures of Malcolm x and Marcus Garvey

Jimmy Kimmel should just be 60 minutes of standing ovation tonight

(Dire straits intro voice) I want Kimmel, jimmy

Call you local Sinclair affiliate and tell them ‘if I don’t get jimmy Kimmel I’ll kill myself’

lol you guys are down bad about a system of governance

The masculine urge to put the footnotes in the back of the book

I hate it when you ask for extra neurospciy but the baby doctor only gives your wife two Tylenol because you’re white

aging punks used to be allowed to die of heroin. now they have to learn what jubilee is and develop an opinion on the blockchain

I’m joining the war on autism on the side of Aum Shinrikyo

Picturing like a looney toons style sequence where republicans sneak up to a sign that says IMPROV CLASS and cover it up with a sign that says DEBATE LESSONS and then the democrats walk right in but that’s probably not how it went down

Asking the cashier at the 7/11 which soda will make my kids love me

Rachel Dolezal implies the existence of Jacob Dolezal and Benjamin Dolezal and Joseph Dolezal and likely Leah Dolezal too, assuming they were all taking Jacob’s name

If I’m ever feeling down about myself I just think about how the only three other people in history to have this mustache are Hitler, Michael Jordan and the guy from sparks

I’m hungry for disgusting spectacle these rapture jokes aren’t going to cut it

More disgusting spectacle plz

Yeah I’m not too worried about autism, my ma was a Percocet girlie

Everything is Laibach now

Don’t make me tap the sign youtu.be/LB9lObWclFQ

“Sip alone or with friends” printed on the soda can

I’ve been tying my shoes for like 5 years now and I’m getting pretty good at it

Man with blue kalashnikov

Politically I’m whatever Eminem is. Social democrat or whatever

If he calls it a carls junior shoot to kill.

Every time I say riddle me this my father in law looks at me like he wants to beat me to death

Hey siri did five dollar footlongs happen under Obama

Say what you will about the bush administration at least when they took away our rights we got $5 footlongs

I thought my giant shuriken was awesome until I overheard the guys at the 7/11 calling me Yuffie

Placed on government watchlist for buying shuriken, watchlist is leaked by cyberterrorist group, meet the other guys on it in a discord chat, suddenly u have a thriving social life and a vibrant sense of community. Oldest story in the book

Nice dog. You ever take that thing to the dog park and let er rip

Space shuttles should have rings on them so young lovers could attach padlocks representing their everlasting devotion

I’m not a fan of art so I turn the screen off and listen to bobs burgers like a podcast

The bobs burgers writers room has one child every season that they chain up and starve and force to come up with all the burger puns for the episodes. Omelas situation.

Dodge rolling in circles around my dad in the cereal aisle at Kroger while he tries to hit me with his cane

Hey siri what’s the name of the leaves that give pesto its distinctive flavor and color

My Italian friend turned green from eating too much of those pesto leaves

Doesn’t matter but realized that the three colors on the Italian flag are the three colors pasta comes in. Ah fuck, it really really doesn’t matter though. Nothing matters.

Women should make a sound like a steamboat when they squirt. Toot toot I’m cumming water now

Going survive the winter mode on the pussy

Walking to the garden of fragile delights district to get a banh mi