my beautiful daughter Bathleen Genuflect

bring back the satya yuga, bring back the quetzalcoatl catbus, bring back the primordial tequila w/ the quark-gluon lemon

Think my selective serotonins done been reuptaked

Toast came from a time before bakers had developed a way to tell if they’d already baked the bread

spider with a knife

I Got PUNCHED In All The Different FACE PARTS So You Don't Have To

Simulation Simulator 2025

Jokes on you, I was already holding my horses because they love hugs

Im a t-shirt artist, in that, i express myself through the wearing of various t-shirts

If you could have any superpower, what is your social security number?

Downloading kung fu a la The Matrix only to realize I'm too fat and out of shape to do any of the cool moves "woah"

Unless you're planning on getting smashed on the head with an anvil or a big safe or something DO NOT get the accordionification surgery

You’re laughing? I slipped on a banana peel, stumbled down a flight of stairs into a kitchen where the chef hit me in the face with a frying pan, then careened out into the street where a piano was dropped onto me and you’re LAUGHING?

Sorry for being arrogant I decided to like myself

Sipping salubrious syrups

many of my bros in the er sufferig from poasters wrist

list 3 things you think you’re known for and your followers will tell you if you’re right or wrong. 1. Posting things 2. Liking poats 3. Replying to posta

[cleans your hard to reach places]

A game mechanic is someone who repairs video games

Just saw an actual dumpster fire #flames #wastemanagement

Pointing to myself when i show up anywhere:

Genderless energy drinks

You can beat a dead horse, but you can't look at the water in its mouth.

the football helmet stays ON while i'm feeling nervous

If i say the word "poop" you all know what I'm talking about right

"Whoa." - Neo (as played by Keanu Reeves) The Matrix. (1999). Warner Bros.

Get chud on the ler!

[arnold schwarzenegger voice] "get to the chudler!"

These fools are shooting at my starship as it's taking off, but it's no use, I'm already flying away and their blasters ain't doin shit

How you apply the icing on your toaster strudel says a lot about you as a person

Aurora again

Dr. Moist Squelching

don’t have much to say lately because the computer is poison

Gather 'round, children. I got a story to tell. (children gather 'round) Ready? Once upon a– (children gather 'round) Still gathering? Okay, make room- (children gather 'round) Now hold on a minute- (children gather 'round) Wait, just a- (children gather 'round) Stop, plea- (children gather 'round)

Getting quenched probably feels good af if you're a thirst

They're sweeping me into a dustpan tomorrow

At Claire's getting my veil pierced

Are you sure you don’t have a crawl space? Are you really sure?? I swore last time I was here I was laying in a crawl space for days becoming progressively more haggard and emaciated

Ground coffee is fine, but sky coffee is way better, imho

Tender and juicy Tamagotchi in every bite

Well.. I've gone this whole time not catching the rona, but i finally got it 🫩

Store employees are now required to smile if they are within 10 feet of a shopper. If they’re within four feet, the employee should say "you're smelling extra delicious today, baby"

Dear Diary, Today I met a man covered with skin.

Thought about googling "how many pull-ups should a grown man be able to do" but im confident the answer is "2" so im not going to bother

They're sending me down to the food depot to retrieve a week's worth of sustenance rations for my state-designated familial unit

Just found out the singer of one of my fav bands left bc her bandmates were being dickheads. There's no bit here, I'm just upset about it

Putting "enshittification expert" on my resume

Crying and screaming because my phone updated and the new UI looks like donkey shit

Hairlines don't recede; foreheads become more powerful

[Doing my best butt-rock voice over some sick thrash metal] YEAH IT WOULD BE COOL TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOM AND DAD [headbangs]