the emperor's hanzo clothes

i have a daily alarm set for when i'm supposed to take one of my meds except i stopped taking that med months ago but i kept the timer around because the consistency is comforting

Without downloading any new pics, throw your phone in the ocean

Mar. 11, 2026: locked in too hard this afternoon, temporarily blind

i dont need a bidet i just dip my ass in the toilet water and spin around a few times

interesting new genuflections on display at this year's CathTech

to honor Kobe I'm stopping at 0 sex crimes committed

would you fw a whistle-while-you-work mf like me

when i was a baby i always insisted i breastfeed off other mothers cuz i dont play with family like that

standing like this rn and meeting new friends

alarms aren’t enough, i need an army of goblins to attack me with tiny siege weapons until i get out of bed

et tu, bub?

Maxwell's Semen Demon

Ok fuck this shit I’m walking the path of the Nomad

apparently i'm banned from editing wikipedia pages after i fixed a small punctuation error on the cultural revolution page last month. they're gonna let me resume editing in 2 years 👍

To unc, perchance to chop

‘Dyed in the wool’? I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorry for your loss,

every one of you deserves to have some of your wishes come true

today i went to a park and took a seat under the shade of a massive tree. had just started to doze when suddenly a hot dog hit me on the head. turns out the whole tree was teeming with hovering hot dogs. anti-gravity hot dogs. they’re hostile,

siri bring up last week's ass measurements

I prompted BrigM, the only ai agent that is also a Latter-day Saint, to make the world a better place. You can thank me “latter”

if they ever get rid of wired headphones we'll have to buy jake gyllenhaal a new chew toy

Rolling up 900 mosquitoes in a piece of paper and smoking them mosquito cigarette

i'm only liberated enough to buy and wear women's jeans if they're on the single denim super rack at the thrift store

i overused the cracked save system when i beat commander keen 4 on hard as a kid so the game cursed me with a.d.d.

"they died surrounded by their family and friends" and none of them did anything to help? wow

i bought this patch to sew on my bag because i think it's funny but my wife says it's a pedophile patch i need an outside opinion

blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, slime, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

whats the matter sidequest boy, afraid u might finish something?

i will not be joining the international celebration of women today as it is the Lord's day

i just checked and it's not my birthday today 🤦‍♂️

MADD should start sending letter bombs

Bro you’re strengthening the hoes 💪

i'm interested in running to the store for a few things

i'm excited to someday block you all

my evil days of being evil are over. from here on out i shall be beloved

collin's dad in pillion:

/r/thriftygifting /u/3footlocks what should I (29) get my husband (32) for Christmas? We don’t have a lot of money and he already has a beautiful gold pocket watch UPDATE: thanks for the advice, found a buyer for my hair! so excited for DH to unwrap his watch chain UPDATE 2: fuck you guys

me and the boys when 3pm hits

solo museum trip without headphones should come with a medal of honor

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF 1. 𝗗𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗮𝗹 - "It can't be true!" 2. 𝗔𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 - "This is so unfair!" 3. 𝗛𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗨𝗽 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯 - "Eight shots of D'Usse, please." 4. 𝗧𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗛𝗲𝗿 𝗛𝗼𝗺𝗲 - "I'd kill my mother to hit it once." 5. 𝗕𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗜𝘁 𝗢𝗳𝗳 𝗡𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘆 𝗦𝘁𝘆𝗹𝗲 - "You snapped it! Drop the other half in milk. Oh god. Oh my god!"

gee willikers, asshole

oil breakfast

i wasn't picking my nose bro i was pushing all that shit further up

i like red eyes because you never have to brush your teeth

there's a plane of legend where one man sits in a small stall near the back and the rest of the cabin is his bathroom

sure i take a long time on my craft projects but i also do a bad job

really cool how your body just makes stones in various parts. thats like the one thing you dont want inside there is stones. stop making them.