i would sooner breathe air than piss in a toilet. thats because i breathe at a higher frequency than i piss.

no tiktok, i will not be searching that

Jokes are a defense mechanism like a gun or a bad smell

guys im so behind Schedule (this joke would be a lot funnier if i had set it up properly. "Schedule" is the name of the guy i'm standing behind in line to the clock-in machine)

jerking off at the museum and telling people im just one of the exhibits

whats scarier? five nights freddy or funtime penis in ur ass?

going to the bathroom and your ghost appears from the last time you played on this map

i'd gladly bowl tuesday for a soup today

its 5 o'clock somewhere.. except for The Timeless Realm

convincing my senile grandpa he's a robot

when i go outside everyone keeps throwing bombs at me

theres a stranger in my house and their name is nightylamp

nobody wants to know the guy who can shoot lasers from his penis. thats just not cool man.

im getting surgery to make my butthole smaller. my doctor says he wants it the size of a pinhole. he says he wants it to hurt when i fart.

who the hell is terry and why do we have so many of their towels?

how I learned to stop worrying and love the lamp

you can blow your friends, and you can blow your nose, but you cant blow your friends nose. also something about you dont get to blow your family i think.

if i was the master of four elements those elements would be pissin', shittin', and fuckin'. the last element would be only known to me and i would wield it when things get serious.

Let's all love nightylamp

if it feels like im absent from online its because i am, and you miss me. i am a keystone figure in your life.

check it out im in the house im in the house like carpet like carpet like carpet like carpet

more like Disco Easy-Peasyium

some things just dont need to be said. like "fingledywarch", because thats not a word.

Poptropica-based Social Order

world of farts: best horse farts

if i had a third eye id probably just use it to look at things normally

really cool how your body just makes stones in various parts. thats like the one thing you dont want inside there is stones. stop making them.

potty training is a funny thing humans do. its a big fucking hole in the building reserved for one thing only, how difficult can it be? they'll figure it out eventually

Thank god Padmé died cuz imagine being married to Darth Vader, the loudest snorer in the galaxy

once upon a midnight dreary while i pondered, weekend weary

something wicked thataway goes

something wicked this way. its over here.

heterosexuals within a 5 foot radius of me evaporate

travelling faster than a photon to accept my Lighttime Achievement award

pissing on the floor of the boardroom meeting to assert my incontinence

please dont interact, this is engagement bait

i just woke up from a coma, what did i miss

its not a real lumbar injury if its not from the Lumber region of Home Depot

i got pain on that part of the spine, near the bottom. the scrotum i think its called

They should make a toilet where the poop gets sucked up from the bowl and sprayed all over your neck and back from the top of the tank

why is my water chunky

please donate to my GoFuckMe

*ring ring* Yes?... mhmm.. ok.. yes, ok.. Its for you, its Mr. Fortnite

please hold my hands guys im about to fly into space

im inventing a new way to become amazing

bro was driving a tesla delivering amazon packages

alright buddy, you've cummed inside my wife for the last time..

i find bobs burgers annoying