rebooting soon as i am able

computer guy: the eye can see 240fps console guy: no it can only see 30fps movie guy: no it can only see 24fps animation guy: no it can only see on 2s bat guy: i need to find the jokester

could god create a penis even he couldnt take up the ass?

fine, you caught me. i would wear a furry suit if i had the money. and i would have gotten away with it too if it werent for you meddling kids..

my mom is breaking my cat measuing cups because she hates whimsy

assuming makes an ass. through the power of donkey magic.

ripping your ass a newt one (hole for newts)

putting tampons in my hair like curlers

this is my world, yall just living in it. rent is due. im using the money to buy us a pizza party. there will be no vegan options because i forgot.

when i was a little baby on the internet i remember stumbling upon a fanfic of pokemon and being freaked out that misty and ash kissed so i closed it out in confusion. everytime i see fandom stuff i am reminded of that.

The earth is more than a gay little speck to me

I remember I got high one time and i couldnt stop looking at pictures of bulborbs from pikmin and laughing

dont feel like posting today

wish i had robot knees

im somewhere on your timeline

Mom doesnt fw the vision

swat team raiding a home and giving a hand signal for "senile grandpa"

just read the book that only morally good people read

this really sucks. i was just getting used to writing 2018 on all my documents

I wasnt expecting anything at all from the story of Ghost Recon: Breakpoint, but I am still disappointed. Its so bad. Just really lame and feels like a rough draft of a story.

lady doing a tiktok cheese pull on the worlds nastiest dick

working on a theory that ties the building of the pyramids to the size of breasts during that era

from A to whatever comes last

dont ask me to do a holiday theme for my account ever again. it scored me ZERO pussy

marie and ara could be liking all my posts right now but they wont cuz im woke

"cheesecake? more like cheese no thank" - guy who doesnt like cheesecake but loves saying stuff in really stupid ways

dont forget to check under the year tree to see if father time left any news for you

its actually 7 in dog new years

diligently watching the news for the new years first murder

ok this year is already getting old

new year, new grandparents. the perks of sneaking into a hospice center.

youtube, show me the simpsons episode where that one character did that thing

douchebag is a new word that i coined. please use it in 2026

im so excited. in a few hours, nothing happens

what if we combine all the people with scoliosis like some kinda jigsaw puzzle

im gonna pick your nose a new one

if slimes are level 1, what the heck is an ant? those things are way weaker than a slime.

need a guy who can heed my becks and calls

guess im sleeping in the dog house tonight, which is where i normally sleep

doctor who insists the simpsons have jaundice and gets upset when people tell them its a cartoon

i think about how differently my life could have played out after i fell off my bike and broke my arms. if i asked the doctor to replace my hands with gatling guns, what would i be doing now?

[1st guy]: hoots on first [not the punchline guy]: no youre supposed to say "who's on first" [1st guy]: wait where's the punchline guy? [not the punchline guy]: idk, but dont call me "guy"

Vox (the media company, not the populi) did a informational video about my strangely shaped butthole

[running up to the guy selling hotcakes, panting with a fist full of cash] "do you have any hotdogs?"

six of one, bakers dozen of the other

do british people call it Mummers Day? do they say "Happy Mummers Day"? get the fuck outta here

hes got a buuble shield his name wintom

raindrops on corpses and gashes on liches brown canvas bags on the heads of dead witches

dont let perfect be the enemy

humping birds are so cute and pretty. did you know that theyre called that because when they fap their wings so fast it sounds like humping? more now u know.