take a picture . itll last longer, your honor

crying under spilled milk

looking for investors for my newspaper that talks about how bad rich people have it

drinking my eight glasses of water while Im showering

websites should be hard to log in to because it makes them feel like a fancy exclusive club

demonstrating the incredible power of just never replying

reading the polygraphers mind

refusing to admit myself to the hospital until they tell me if theyre no-kill or not

I love that outfit whered you get it? whats their website? is that .com or .uk? do their sizes run small or large

saving anime for marriage

divorced dads in my area that no one will miss

dont look at me . Im not done yet

hold my hand

[watching my clothes in the washer] this cant be good for them

I want to be the kind of famous that leaves newsrack tabloids speculating about my murder for fifty years

asking my brother-in-law if Im in his will

add me on gamefaqs

are you beautiful and funny? please follow me first to make this less awkward

oh hell yes I love this song its so evil

showing up to our date on my rollerblades

the burden of proof is on santa deniers

taking a deep breath that clears my mind and opens new possibilities

robots should not be shaped like humans . robots should be shaped like rats

bsky please stop showing me insanely hot people . emotionally I cant handle this right now

putting together a team for a ram heist. we are stealing the big machine that they use to make all the world's ram

what i really need is a cloak.

if I dont have coffee my proteins will denaturate

I got big soles, and big rolls, and big goals I eat out of a big bowl!! what? I thought you used to hate me ? now you wanna date me??

whats the most mysterious language . can I learn it on duolingo

signing up for threads to challenge mark zuckerberg to a psychic duel

winning the lottery and giving most away bc I dont need all that

[quietly] europeans are awakening

going back to college for the cafeteria

ok I warned you

parole officer reminding me I have to disclose how evil I am every so many posts

trying to remember what my bit was

I bite

cars are a prison

your heart must be at least this powerful to ride

what comes after humanity

say my name and theirs in the same breath I dare you to say that they taste the same

do you think youre literate. like do you think if they gave you a test you could pass. do you know what anachronistic means

you are ontologically evil

writing fanfiction about my warframe operator

the pikmin are from heaven and olimar was born in hell. in this video essay I explain the greek parallels of hocotate planet

lets start forming guilds again . we shouldnt be going this alone

holy shit its friday

just found out about bionicles

my friend show me podcasts once and had to turn it off bc I kept trying to talk to the podcasters

this coffee is going straight to my head