do you ever search for something here then forget you searched for it and wonder why the whole feed is about that thing this just happened to me with spatchcocked

I’ve decided to win the Oscar™️ for best actor this year.

my bluesky wrapped just says “touch grass”??

there’s a labeler for “toxic posting” but where is the one for “perfect sweetie”

i just saw the rockettes at radio city music hall ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

The hacker known as Anonymous is now working at his father's company, raising a four year old with another on the way

My out of office message says "I'm here, it's just you and me now, everyone else is on PTO, tell me your deepest secrets"

They put a bitter coating on CR2032 batteries to protect kids but if you mix it with advil it's not bad

Entirely green men in my area Green men near me now I need these men greener Men are too purple Make men greener Completely green men duckduckgo

joke's on you, bullies—there's nowhere I'd rather be than inside my locker

What if I told you the bells weren't actually jingling. What if I told you that's how they scream.

not many people know this but isaac newton was listening to 'get down on it' by kool & the gang when he discovered gravity

**SPOILER ALERT** all mariah wants for christmas is you

If somebody asks you what's updog, the correct answer is dug (the dog from up)

pocket size theremin for my pocket size rock ballads.

What are you dingleberries saving skeets for anyway? Is it a holdover from the Great Depression?

PSA there are 8 million people in every mall today and they've all forgotten how to walk

Pro tip: with enough drugs, this doesn’t have to be a December to remember.

I personally wouldn't have the balls to hit the floor bundled up in two pairs of shoes and pants. Shawty really deserves more credit.

Mute option for screenshots of twitter posts and Facebook memes when?

The best way to avoid last minute Christmas shopping is to not buy gifts for anyone. Follow me for more life hacks.

spent all night running from dumbos pink elephants and mickeys sorcerer brooms. disney 1, sleep 0.

clocking in high because this week is covered by a claus.

You know that feeling when you almost step in dog shit and then artfully avoid it at the last moment? Yeah, me neither: a memoir

Christmas '97: I open a present, a box filled with spaghetti. My mother hands me another present, this one also filled with spaghetti. I look over at my father, but where he was sat is now just a large mound of spaghetti. I try to open another present but my hands are spaghetti.

As a kid, I thought dog catchers were going to be a bigger problem.

this meeting could’ve been a dance battle

pretty sure bats can see us naked

im a box and yo. yo im smaller than a taco. yo. (some boxes are too stupid to wrap)

“I’ll just slip into something more comfortable,” I say, walking into the ocean.

Why do you say “dog and pony show” like that’s a bad thing?

Sure, you start out on softer stuff like Jim Henson, but before you know it, Sweetums is your gateway muppet into Sid and Marty Krofft, and next thing you know you’re mainlining H.R. Pufnstuf on a Saturday morning.

You say introvert, but I say meticulously curated, rigorously assessed, artisanal social interaction

I post for a more literary audience, I state smugly as I write another borderline libelous skeet about the Kool Aid Man

A man can't even live in a bus in the woods anymore without being harshly judged as "down on his luck" and possibly "foolhardy"

Even in these difficult times we must continue making art. That's why I will always post things such as "The ass is the window to the soul"

why is this tiny, lighted box not lulling me back to sleep

the sluttiest thing a dog can do is not fix their flipped up ear

Whenever my postman delivers a package he says "My quest has finally come to an end" and I reply "And so the deed is done" and then we both grip each other by the shoulders and weep together with cathartic joy

Always dance like free will isn't an illusion.

A good bluesky post is like porn, in that it's hard to define, but you know it when you see it. also sometimes it's porn

welcome to bluesky. if you're doing a bit, be sure to indicate this with the bit flag /b

thinking about becoming a guy with a loose rubber band bracelets for no discernable reason or purpose

unlike SOME people, i don’t subskeet

they should invent a getting old where you get younger

moving piles of crap from one room to another (organizing)

i wish a motherfucker would (have a lovely day)

sliced up my emotional support pickle and put it on my pizza. now i'm feeling a way.

My 12 year old just said “I gotta take a Ben Franklin” and I have to say it made having him totally worth it.

FYI, If your child falls into an enclosure we get to keep it.