im not even sure he knows why. he just knows he must reply

Sisterhood of the travelling pants. But the pants keep coming back rather than staying with the sisters. I have tried to leave them with the neighbour. Split them in two. Run them over with a lawnmower. Now I've locked the pants in the basement but I don't know how long the barricades will last.

gonna start using the word "kumquat" the way the beats used "daddy-o"

The Gunpowder Plot (Taylor's version)

(Just before sex) Do you cut your spaghetti ?

I just realized I haven't said "butthole" on bluesky in 8 months. Also I see that Dick Cheney died. These things aren't related. I don't think.

If you pre-heat your skillet your dick slides right in.

Me: *absolutely wailing the opening verse of the Carpenter's 'Close To You' in a fine, fragile tenor* The guy at the urinal next to mine: *eyes closing as he harmonizes perfectly*

I completely disagree with the premise that the Addams Family were altogether ooky.

They're playing us for fools. Groundhogs don't even 𝘏𝘈𝘝𝘌 shadows

Okay, hear me out: Nut November.

this is a pisstake no seriously, here is a bottle of pee

Whack-a-mole except they’re real and you feed em a lil treat instead

We really ought to start calling them jimmy hats again.

-5--3--1--8--0--0--8- *nerd sext*

drinking coffee after noon is a disaster it is like daring your brain to do nothing but play the tambourine off-beat all night long when you’re trying to sleep

upon my death i request to be placed in a clawfoot tub filled with marshmallows and suspended over a fire so people can make s’mores out of me

i need a screaming room why doesn’t my house have a screaming room all residences should have at least one

Axe Grenade is actually my porn name

honestly i don’t think having a rabbit in a hat with a bat is particularly baller

If you noticed I’ve been a little quiet the last few days, here’s why! I’ve been frantically trying to track all the bluesky users getting setup on Mastodon. Not leaving bluesky (yet), but to be honest the party is kind of over there right now. Check out the world without CEOsars 🤷‍♂️

this meeting needs a jump to recipe button

they should just make carpet out of pet stain remover

toilet is french for “little toil”

Maybe she's born with it, maybe she's dead already.

When everything is going wrong, be grateful you have no allergy to coffee.

A haunted house, but it's only all of us, insomniacs.

A haunted house, but there are only fart skeets.

Contrary to popular belief, shouting "I'm a scientist" doesn't make you right or a scientist. It is pretty funny though

In the darkest hour, I remind myself things that are always true are still true- like I'm gonna stub my toe on the way to the light

fukcing up ai trainnig one psot at a tmie

"Don't tell me you still believe in the myth of personal growth! Hello?! It's 2025!", is something I like to say just to confuse managers

they should make a bagel bite the size of a pizza

Every now and then I think about this and it makes me sad.

The E in Chuck E. Cheese stands for Eldritch

maybe we just start thinking of it more as a Trolley OPPORTUNITY

It's been 40 years. Anyone who still has trouble believing it's not butter is living in a fantasy world.

Making my entire personality about being bitten by a radioactive spider that one time

Friendly reminder that I'm also on Mastodon. If you're jumping ship, let's party over there! (I'll be here too. Probably.)

Guys the 7 layer burrito is back on the menu at taco bell so looks like there could be some hope left after all

According to the adverts, Yogurt is out. Cream cheese, Cottage cheese, and Sour cream are what you need to dump down your dairy hole.

"likes" are unsatisfying. drill a hole in my stomach with an 8 inch auger bit so I can feel something.

Buying a balaclava, a t-shirt cannon, and a dozen footlong subs. be ungovernable.

In my "lone dripping faucet to denote the slow passage of time trope" era

Need a quick Halloween costume? Try: 𝑫𝒖𝒄𝒕 𝑻𝒂𝒑𝒆 𝑴𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒚!™

Suspect: You don't have any proof! Detective: *slowly pulls a pudding cup from his pocket

waiting until November 1st to do a spooky handle and pfp is a real power move.