The Property Brothers is much more engaging once you realize you're just watching one dude caught in a time loop

Pro tip: Don’t call food viral. Something about “viral chicken salad” just doesn’t sound appetizing.

I gave up teaching self-defense and just started telling everyone to get a ballroom.

I’m beginning to suspect that those other guys aren’t really Mumford’s sons.

be the mash potato art you want to see in the world (a lump on the couch)

breaking up with my boyfriend in a subskeet i hope he sees it

personally i don’t think this hotel should have spooky loud noises at all hours of the night

going to starbucks and ordering a mountain dew with a shot of espresso

two shout-outs in the company huddle but no mention of my posts??

eye twitching subliminal messages in the hopes that chatty colleagues keep their distance today

them: you look like fun me (chuckling): oh no, oh no no no, you'll find that i am in fact the polar opposite

Bram Stoker's I'll Turn This Fecking Car Around Right Now!

I’m starting to suspect the valet at this Dairy Queen shan’t be returning with my vehicle

why is it milkshake and not boob smoothie

the Say Anything boombox scene, except she never comes to the window and after the second night he switches from the looping peter gabriel to the sounds of screaming rabbits

we're all born with the last emoji face that our mother texted while she was in labour. its facts.

few responses hit as hard as a cleverly played “…up your butt.” timeless.

ALANIS: would she go down on you in a theater? ME: that’s actually not a huge priority for me

Strange things happen when all you have is one slice of American cheese and some Oreos.

One time I found a tick on my dick. Hmu Dr. Seuss

I get all the news I need from my friend who eats dandelions

“Is that AI?” I ask oldmaningly

i love detaching posts and i cannot lie

one must imagine sisyphus getting rickrolled

i should be able to do an emoji react on your forehead when you speak irl

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA HAVE BROKEN INTO THE LABORATORY AND ARE MELTING THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN HEADS, OH NO.

I WILL DRESS A SALAD IN A THREE PIECE SUIT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Having grown up in leafy suburbia it turns out that I was a lot more afraid of accidentally stumbling into quicksand than I needed to be.

pondering over the fact that I have a thigh scar that predates the release of Monty Python’s Life of Brian and if that would be a good pick up line

already know my brain has shrunk but what if it is just a raisin now I hate raisins

Secret compartments hide all of the skeletons, Charlie Brown

me: i'm just going for a walk to clear my head them: you going far? me: *whispers* vegas them: what? me: what?

a yawn is when your soul is trying to silent scream its way out of your body

disarming a clown by taking them seriously

The best way to avoid having to hijack a plane is to simply book tickets on a flight that is already heading to your planned destination instead. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

Had my emotions removed and replaced with a few basic emojis.

"sincerely attempted but with impressively bad execution" is my favorite genre

complaining about followbacks is similar vibes to approaching a stranger on the street like, "hi, I've been following you and it's your turn to follow me now. I'm leaving let's go."

Is it ok if I tell you that people pleasing is a trauma response?

I just want to be famous enough to be made into a LEGO.

me: *pushing a printer out the window* in honour of the luddites from days of old who saw visions of printer errors they did not understand yet tried to warn us about anyway my boss:

You physically cannot eat while taking an extended depression nap in the middle of the day. Follow me for more health and fitness tips

It's better to have the bones and not need them, than to need the bones and not have them

I don't like it when my brain

i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's got a hunk of cheese

it’s called a telephone because you tell a phone things

Emojis are Satans confetti

Leave some nuts in your bedside drawer for home invaders!

Be yourself, everyone else is dead