Blessed be the men of sport, sacrificing their bodies so that we may worship at the altar of the almighty Goods & Services.

being a lifelong learner is so fucking hot, and also boobies

i’m a real gum shoe* *mildly irritating and also I wear a deerstalker

why’s it called ‘trepanation’ and not ‘skullduggery’ ha ha words, amirite

Sex is best when all parties sound like seagulls fighting over a bag of parking lot fries

when the roombas unionise it's over for you sonsa bishes

If your documentarian doesn't have a sadness behind their eyes, you can do better

Oh sure, everyone likes the weird girl when they want to get rid of a curse

hard to believe we all knew mario was a plumber but we just let him practice medicine anyway, like "guy's definitely a doctor. it's fine. he's got a bag of pills." it was a different time.

You’re never alone when you have parasites

Nobody here knows that my last post got 24 likes on bluesky dot app

why is it called insomnia when me time was right there

You can leave a dead body at home to mind the children, there's no law against it, Kevin.

an indoor shoveling arena for dads jonesing for a summertime fix

I sang “2 Become 1” by Spice Girls directly into your Ring cam, please respond

My ear hurts, so I’m going to put some music in it and see if that helps

replying “your posts are bad” in the family group chat

you can do a colonoscopy at home with a plumbing snake

if you’re not making hamburger helper with me, you’re making hamburger helper against me

After months of market research, I can confidently say I'd be much more popular here if I had a spouse I disliked.

They're playing us for fools. Groundhogs don't even 𝘏𝘈𝘝𝘌 shadows

her: forget about the campfire already, how many matchboxes have you used me: 20, why are you up her: it’s 3am, you must be lonely

brb stands for big regal butts don't @ me

*seductively recedes into the nothingness

in the absence of electricity, water, and internet, we became very interested in birds

it’s so cold i’m wearing socks to bed not on my feet but still SOCKS

just because a Thing happens after another Thing doesn’t mean either of them serves a higher purpose just ask john carpenter

Like my father before me, and like his father before him, sometimes I just need to lie down and “rest with my eyes closed.”

“I said I’m FINE,” I insist, fully encasing myself in a chrysalis.

i like to think about the friends of the guy who invented the tuba and how they reacted the first time he played it for them.

Remember when the former mayor of NYC ate the entire groundhog whole on live TV? Your move, Mamdani.

he's a 10, but the standard-bearers of his tally mark centric society see him as an inconvenient discrepancy to be erased

we need to de-stigmatize talking about our homunculi collections

You are one in a million. There are 340 people exactly like you in the US alone.

New rule: you're allowed to have a billion dollars but you become "it" like in a game of tag

if i was thrown into a volcano, i’d simply drink all the lava

you heathens never bother consulting the skyhog

you're in her dms. i'm in her dms too. thank god we found each other. there's no way out. it's been 2 months and i've run out of food & fresh water.

oh hai mark

New rule you get one groundhog joke on here don’t fuck it up

taking a break until I can spew asinine strings of words rather than venom. Love you all. Be safe. Be loud. I'll be back soon.

sometimes I think about what I could accomplish if I actually got my shit together and then I yawn so big my jaw dislocates

life is messy and hard, but so is the floor under the couch so I guess what I’m saying is it’s the perfect place to shame nap

who up cowering in a frozen outpost while their friends become monstrous facsimiles

gonna make coffee stirrer straw people of everyone in this meeting

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Himalayan salt lamp?

She's a 10, but she kicks you in the head switching from missionary to doggy, looks you straight in the eye, and says "Roadhouse"

grok bad. now check out these genAI pics of the evil men smooching har har

know what's way cooler than posting ai images on bluesky? not doing that.

how is it we have truth serum but no spill pill? is there even a single person who prefers the liquid form?