We are 6.5 weeks from the solstice, and it’s dark as fuck. And we still won’t see this much daylight again in any twenty-four-hour period for 3 months. Winter of my discontent INDEED.

“Have you tried talking to her about it?” I ask, saving yet another straight male friend’s marriage.

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments? Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please

at my divorce hearing they said we could change our names to whatever we wanted but it had to be decided before we adjourned your honor, you gotta give me a friggen heads up

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Charlesles: Please, call me Chuckles

My sweet criminal. He’s an inmate in my asylum.

Sometimes I make the sound effect to go along with the joy leaving my body. *blerrrrp*

don't skip leg day theyre handing out free legs

keep yourself humble by inadvertently catching yourself on your ring camera

I think my sleep paralysis demon is mad at me. It keeps covering up my temperature regulating foot and making me too warm.

At an awkward age: old enough to be grumpy at the noise of fireworks but I still can't avoid going woooooo every time

RIP Dick Cheney, they have such sights to show you

Me, sober: Ham is pretty mid, tbh. Me, drunk: Hey…you got any ham?

VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.

ai makes things easier only if you have no idea what “things” are or how to do them or

if you see a dog stealing a newly baked honey ham no you did not see a dog stealing that newly baked honey ham

Just fixed the sink AND the internet connection. Tonight I am a GOD.

"The electric lines represent the power of social injustices that I ache to destroy?" "No babe. You just fuck shit up."

Don’t forget to set your clocks aside tonight. Forget them in the back of the sock drawer. Box them unlabeled in the attic for ten unopened years. Hit snooze and bury them twelve feet deep in the backyard.

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

look at this sweet baby. healing while he sleeps.

Unbelievable. Also, believable. pagesix.com/2025/11/03/e...

We can have a little public humiliation of Andrew Cuomo, as a treat.

Is the universe taking requests?

[first day as car salesman] Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Just want to remind everyone that Elon Musk was working in the U.S. illegally when he started his first company and likely obtained his citizenship through fraud. He has also been accused of sexual harassment. Have a great day!

Interesting that Dinesh D'Souza and Vivek Ramaswamy are just now shocked by racism towards them in the GOP as Brianna Wu is just now shocked by transphobia against her in the GOP—guess we’re at the turning-on-their-own-who-never-really-were-included point.

You hit the button for front-facing camera and find yourself inside the phone looking out. The view is…not great.

And with this morning's coffee sipped, time for the suffering to begin

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

A Scooby-Doo villain, but with the goal of dropping property values so that the poor can finally afford to buy homes. Not a show premise, this is a plan, I got monster costumes, let's do this

your god can’t save you now

I'm not suggesting this but you know you BOUGHT that whole bag of Snickerses and Babies Ruth and no one's really going to know if you DON'T give them to children, right? Like you HAVE some agency there.

Californians, please vote Yes on 50 today if you haven't already. If it comes up with anyone you know, encourage them to do the same. Please

I do all my own stunts (staying in bed, crying, having panic attacks, screaming endlessly into the abyss)

I not only got to vote against Cuomo, but FOR Mamdani. It’s been a long time since I didn’t just go with the lesser of evils.

The existence of the uncanny valley implies that there was a time long ago when we needed to be able to tell who was human and who merely appeared human and that that distinction was so vital to our survival that even today we still fear the latter Happy Halloween!

This has got to be the one, The New Yorker.

You should get paid overtime when you dream about work. They already steal most of your waking hours, how dare they infringe on your sleeping ones?

HEADSTONE: I don’t know, man… I tried.

if you do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

hard to believe what some people spend their time doing when we still have soo much to discover about dinosaurs

So after revolution what are we doing with all these data centers, other than LAN parties obvi

A play in three acts

It’s unfair how some people get to be unhinged. “He’s unhinged,” they say, but not “we need to put some hinges on that guy.” Meanwhile, I’m like 93% hinges.

What doesn’t kill you tenderizes you, making you more succulent and delicious. For next thing that comes to kill you

No way Plato could have predicted people would pay $14.95/month to voluntarily go back in the cave

BREAKING: The mitochondria have released a statement they are ending their long running symbiotic relationship with humans, citing "increasingly poor use of the energy we provide".