Anyone raptured in earlier time zones yet? Do we know what time it’s supposed to start?

Don’t you hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs, and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

I see Paris I see France I have got the Rapture right here for you (it's in my pants)

A Hellboy sequel where he finally grows up to be Hellman so he can take over the family mayonnaise business

now we know what yahoo users are up to

Just because my search history solely comprises variants on the phrase “molecular composition of anthropoid blood” doesn’t HAVE to mean I’m trying to harvest human life-force.

The most realistic scene in the original Alien movie is when the xenomorph kills Harry Dean Stanton, and the cat just watches in absolute bored indifference.

It is with tremendous sadness we announce that Beatrice—thought to be the last turtle of her species, until Benedict was discovered and introduced into her habitat—told her would-be mate she “has a boyfriend.”

subtly downgrade a band: concern. at the disco

subtly downgrade a band: Prince Crimson

Nihilist Borg all, “Existence is futile.”

white house announces plans to break ground on a brand new sarlaac pit

Sometimes I forget people in other countries can see the moon as well. It's like Fievel taught me nothing

REMINDER: my Trans Lives Matter shirt is available at bornmiserable.threadless.com. show your support for the trans community, plus 100% of the profits go directly to the Trevor Project and the Center For Transgender Equality DO IT NOW I HAVE SPOKEN bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/tran...

I probably won't fix it if I realize I've been wearing something inside out but I will undoubtedly tell everyone who looks at me that I am wearing something inside out and this is a story about being American in 2025 thank you

Such a weird moment when you become an adult upon realizing life is just spring-boarding from one crisis to the next.

Lot of customer complaints about all the live badgers I unleash in the dining area. … Sh— Should they be dead?

Heart: I just want people to like me. Brain: But you say weird things. Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny.

Trump to designate ANTIFA a terrorist organization while Kash Patel desperately googles "where is ANTIFA headquartered?"

Imagine looking at this guy and trusting him to even be within 100 yards of your child [𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘳]

“Coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing JUST FINE,” Brandon Flowers insists repeatedly despite evidence of mange, malnutrition, and kennel cough.

What if instead of a deep gravelly voice, Batman just used a different outrageous accent every time he crime fought

ah damn, so close

You can just add "tober" to the end of any word to imply a connection to Halloween. It doesn't have to be a spooky word. You can do Cuddletober. No one's stopping you.

Out behind the plastic surgeon's office, scavenging mediocre noses again.

BREAKING: Trump has sent Marines to burn down the International House of Pancakes

With the nearing of the autumnal equinox comes The Darkness, and with The Darkness comes the vibes* * reduced serotonin levels

The music spooled up—the snacks sang and marched in line formation. Soda tried catching someone in the audience’s eye when they chanted, “LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY,” but no one ever freed them from their unending trauma loop.

Is Kirby a blue mage?

It's always a bit jarring when I'm birdwatching and I spot a bird with tiny binoculars staring right at me crossing "big nerd" off his list.

This may just be the parasite talking, but I'm going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

Talk dirty to me, but do it like the swedish chef

An interesting dynamic with Kilmeade non-apologizing for gleefully advocating the murder of homeless people, is that Charlie Kirk proved a groyper will want to murder him for even the *appearance* of walking back on virulent nazism.

I've been disappointed by humanity but even more disappointed by the aliens who refuse to abduct me

OH SHIT THEY'VE FIGURED OUT MY SECRET RECIPES

Joseph Goebbels and Steve Bannon and I Talk About Reducing Propaganda in the News, on the next Ezra Klein

BREAKING: Chuck Schumer was seen repeatedly bumping into the same wall, intoning "bi-par-ti-san-ship, bi-par-ti-san-ship, bi-par-ti-san-ship."

In space, no one can hear you scream cause there's this really loud theramin and if you try to scream people are all like, "sorry, what? I can't hear you over the theramin”

Didn’t realize it was to keep us in, The New Yorker

"I once used a dating site," I explained to my android companion, "but not to find love. Just to share stories." Her Query: "Is that not what love is?"

Smaug's youngest child moved into the city but could only afford a small one room fly up.

I got kicked out of med school for showing off my puppetry skills in the morgue

I overheard a little girl in an elevator say “poop,” and her mom informed her that wasn’t an appropriate thing to say in public. The mother then asked the girl where is it okay to use that word, and the girl loudly proclaimed “A WITCH’S DUNGEON!”

I did NOT know it was the president. I just yell at old people in restaurants. For fun.

From the beginning of time, man has wondered why a supposedly just God would allow shit to go down like that.

the baby is in that adorable transition stage between “if mommy is out of my sight for more than ten seconds I will literally explode” and “there is no corner of this wretched earth that I will not conquer”

Buy an 8 bedroom mcmansion in the middle of nowhere so you can experience the illusion of a walkable neighborhood right inside your home

I might just be a starry-eyed optimist, but I still think we could pull things around to a future of largely zeppelin-based travel.

Live your life in such a way that, when you die, people directly quoting you does’t sound like a personal attack on your character.