Super excited to be embarking on a new forever war!

Every person who leaves because Mamdani was elected is just frosting atop this incredibly tasty cake.

Don’t tell the Americana Police I said so, but I do NOT trust nougat.

You can get sober and still carry a cool flask, that’s what M&M minis are for

just like you guys, i put my pants on one leg at a time, leaning against a wall, losing my balance, falling to my knees, yelling “FUCK”, rolling over onto my butt, turning back onto my knees, trying to get back up, grabbing the TV stand for support, attempting to catch the TV, yelling “FUCK” again,

2026 better not be the year we pierce the veil of illusion to discover the world is but a nothingness projected upon nothingness I've got some shows I want to catch up on

*werner herzog voice* hamburger will never help you

2026 starts with rent being due? Bad sign, man

I just want one pic of me in 2026 that’s half as flattering as this.

Hey so if someone else (or even your own brain) tells you you’re the only person masking and taking clean air precautions at the holidays, no you’re not. I am, too. There are lots of people who still care about protecting themselves and others so don’t give up.

for the record, if I'm ever putting on a public event, but there's some kinda creature that's gonna eat people at the event, just let me know and I'll cancel it, no problem don't even care if it bankrupts me to be honest I was looking for an excuse not to go

If there were 13 months a year we'd be well into 1870 right now. Anyways, time is totally real. Merry Year Day or whatever.

how much does it cost to have godzilla stomp on you does anyone know

ahhhh love to wake up in a socialist paradise

I think for 2026 we should just do all Saturdays.

I resolve to be the shittiest version of myself possible next year.

Aries: The talking doll has some career advice.

I’m so sick of The Riddler. Just answer Batman's questions

i’m tired of dating apps. i want to meet someone the old fashioned way, through land contracts

WARNING: Don't drive your car into the bacon.

Tried out a twin bed for the first time in 25 years and my first thought was “I have the right to an attorney”

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

waiting for my dog to poop while he sniffs out another chewin’ stick

Not to be all told-you-so, but I warned you not to fuck with my attack hamster.

One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

I think I've got more critical mass than the average person

Remember when Netflix sent DVD’s by mail? That was 100 years ago.

(me on my deathbed) gar...gar... garfield was right about nermal

the duolingo owl has been arrested for unspeakable crimes against humanity

*gets last year’s resolutions out of the attic*

ME: i love pizza TOMBSTONE: you sure?

oops! all cymbals!

Getting older is like being out on the ocean in the Ship of Theseus but then at some point the guys just decided against replacing the decayed parts.

LIVID at the City of London’s decision to boot out the existing café owners, some of whom have been there over 40 years, and replace them with Daisy “we are not a chain, but a group of independent cafés owned by the same company with the word Green in our name, serving the same £20 burgers” Green

Yet another Milkshake Duck sitch, The New Yorker, smdh

My cat approves this gift (and so do I)

Ruthless girl winter, dagger in hand girl winter, sharp-eyed girl winter

so…they’re stranger than merely strange things, but still not the strangest things.

A Minority Report type future, where the pre-cogs identify future criminals but instead of arresting them we get them connected with social programs and supports so that they never have to become criminals in the first place

The key difference between keeping a cat & a chimpanzee as a pet, is that a cat will eat your face off when you die; but a chimpanzee doesn’t have that kind of patience.

WARNING: Do not be taken in by alligator tears—she’s on Wellbutrin.

Just gonna nod off for a quick evening nap before I have to wake up to get ready for bed.

Oh no, my Smart Glory Hole just sent me my Wrapped report

Fun fact: "Blarney" is also the sound a leprechaun makes when you run over it with your car.

Work, however you can, to make your country into a place where Bari Weiss is fucking unemployable.

the hills have ayes but the mountains have more nays so the motion will likely not pass

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

To anyone I ever dated who said they found me too intimidating: check out the ruinous nothing I’ve made of my life and take comfort.

If nuts wanted us to eat them they wouldn’t wear armour

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it