If I see your phone battery is down to single digits I’ll be increasingly fixated and anxious until I finally snatch it from you and plug it in.

When I turned 40, I posted a video of myself taking a shot of whiskey. 41 - protein shake 42 - energy drink This year…water

Representatives for Martina McBride say artists were not informed it would be a cage match

I lost my virginity to Eric Clapton's Unplugged and I'd just like to see YOU live with that

Told an astronaut that I had zero gravity feelings for them and to prove it I had to not emphasize "zero" and stop doing an additional zero sign with my hand

If I ever got stuck in quicksand I’d act like I was slowly walking downstairs

sorry i can’t talk rn there was a lotion booger on my body cream bottle and i’m having complicated emotions about it

Absent-mindedly constructing a city with grids where no one gets lost, buildings of leapingly increasing height for ascending dance numbers, healthcare. But actually I froze to death in a Mt Everest bungalow

I’m beginning to suspect that those other guys aren’t really Mumford’s sons.

Jurassic Park remake but it's recreating original Pepsi from ancient Pepsi samples trapped in amber bottles

“The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” just sounds like a gay man listing his exes

Millions of peaches, sure ok. But peaches for free? I have my doubts

I love dining at ramen restaurants because a lot of them set up their solo dining seats facing a wall. I don’t need to be seeing strangers eat while I eat.

Shoplifting! At The Grocery Store

filling my weekly pill organizer with little red corvettes

haha, you’re right, how come every time i see a video of someone playing with a lion it’s all gentle & cuddly like a kitten but whenever i play with a lion at the zoo i’m immediately eaten alive?

The thing is there are time machines and this is how the people with time machines want things to be

Idk when I started feeling this way but putting a giant ugly gif in someone's replies is an act of war

@shakespeare: wherefore art thou, Romeo? @guydothreply: where fart thou 🤣

Once the police cleared the room, blood was cleaned from the carpet, and the sobbing ended, judges confirmed that The Bad Beats defeated Risk It For The Biscuit at the charity trivia event.

I’ve met a lot of things I hope at least one of them was an alien

A ham sandwich could conduct a better leadership seminar, but I offer a group rate.

many of us try to keep way too many balls in the air but when you really think about it you quickly realize that you absolutely cannot drop any or horrible things will happen and you'll die alone

“I will not comply” “I will not wear a mask again” “I will not get a vaccine” “I will not wear the lap bar on a rollercoaster” “i won’t install smoke detectors” “i won’t cook raw chicken” “i wont stop for red lights” “i will bring metal into an mri”

Happy Mothers Day Me I am a playful mum. i sing i dance* i play i wrestle i make fun of myself and we laugh I am a strong mum. I have persevered through the trials of mental illness, abusive ex, poverty and juggling work to raise/ing four beautifully thoughtful and courageous kids

my 11yo semi verbal autistic daughter loves the whole 6-7 craze but she sings loudly "and if the devil is six THEN GOD IS SEVEN, GOD IS SEVEN" like Frank Black and I need to send her teacher a link to old Pixies songs so she understands what's going on because her teacher is too young to get it

well maybe if you quit spending money on avocado toast and coffee you could actually afford to gamble online,

yay weekend

the best thing about living in a bog is the 24hr news channel only talks about cranberries

Bird here like, 20 yrs ago (mockingbird I think) did a pitch perfect car alarm song. 1000's of 'em doing it for blocks and blocks. Alarms died out as an urban sound, but their songs didn't. Thing is, they started riffing on it quick, and they sang pretty good, so it's a LOT different now.

In the old days, there were many websites that didn't rile you up but I can't remember their names now.

(hanging out with tim rogers) TIM: i’m related to the cherished kids show host, a paragon of humanity ME: aw no way! i’m related to the guy who died autoerotic asphyxiating himself

ME: what is an IV for ROMAN: yes

it’s all fun and games to open the windows on a breezy day right up until the dogs experience precisely one gust-slammed door

change of plans. feeling like I'm just gonna come to terms with my rusty cage

i have a special organ donor card that says if i die my guts are to be donated to horror movies.

I shave my face up to six or seven times a day because I really enjoy working up a lather

it’s almost like no one is awake

Today is beautiful. Hold hands with a raccoon.

Those commercials fucked me up by telling me that I don't just eat, I Dunkaroo. I Dunkaroo toast. I Dunkaroo chili. When I'm mad I scream at people to Dunkaroo my shit. The taste of death on my tongue will be of vanilla cookies and rainbow sprinkles. You don't just die, you Diearoo

A drum machine that is just the clapping disembodied hands of a murdered drifter

Experiencing a family size box of Crispix with my family as a family

I wanna be as useless as the number 9 on a microwave

I just spent 20 minutes in the produce section trying to decide if I want eat a little pesticide or pay a $2 more per pound

Doom scrolling at the cracker-practer

i just ran into 7-11 without a bra ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

I put my wallet and keys in the same spot every night (the place where I can't remember where they are).

Someone seriously needs to mow my lawn

them: oh is that one of those tablets that shows the plaque left behind? me: sure

I’m about to turn 45 and am actively working towards trying to get into the best shape of my life which is honestly such a flex but also I’m so exhausted please kill me.