The side effects of getting genetically modified to become a dog give me pause, but the anal gland squeezing potential leaves me conflicted.

Hands at 10 and 2 as we speed toward the bridge abutment

Tiles come and go but this is an absolutely abysmal set of bone. I can't believe how unlucky I've gotten recently. That's okay, I've been redeemed with the bamboo but dadgummit I just want a 論

Another damn year?!

Happy Got You Day to my sweet baby love bestest friend Miss Maggie

You can pipe your icing on my cookie if you wanna

My resolution is to remain a curmudgeon, I mutter, extracting myself from yet another candles-and-prayer-hands chatroom set up to see in the new year.

Hey are we still supposed to write thankyou letters for all the gifts we got cos I think I forgot the last 35 years

New Year's Eve should be the day we all decide to dump our leftover drafts out onto the timeline.

People arguing over who is the best nobody.

that’s one long mermaid

thanks for the best wishes where can I cash them in

My nickname back in driving school was unofficial parking space because I'd get all huffy if someone else's car was in my thoughts even though they're public and undesignated

I’ve had my nose to a grindstone. That shit is tedious man and you'd better keep some water in the trough

I'm going to stay here, tucked into 1989 where it's safe. You go on into the new year without me

What’s the best way to attach a flaming 2 lb bag of dog shit to my new drone I got for Christmas and will the added weight limit its flight range?

Not to rain on your parade, but it's gonna rain on your parade

Me: [giving directions to a tourist who drove in from Indiana] Look buddy, I've lived here all my life, I think I would know if we had a "Rose Bowl" lol wtf even is that?

I must venture out into the cold tundra this morn. Why? For friendship. I must let my car warm up before I start driving. Why? For grandpa. I must put lotion onto my hands. Why? Foreskin.

I say “I’m fine” a lot for someone who is grinding their teeth into chalk dust.

POV you’re the only non-mom in the group chat

me and who???

My one eyelid is planning a coup.

if your family’s not using walkie talkie’s to coordinate thanksgiving dinner I’m not even coming

it’s the most. wonderful time of the year with extra heavy sinatra accent

You can always tell a ritzy town by the number of accident attorney billboards

I once Uber’ed Pat Benatar and she reported me as a hard braker

a word cloud that’s just says fuck in varying sizes

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

I’m like an octopus in the sense that I kill and eat my mate after sex

(seeing urinal neighbor’s uncut hog) WHOA FELLA SAVE SOME SKIN FOR THE REST OF US

I love when a dude tells me he’s looking for a serious relationship and then his next text is asking me if I have any videos of me banging anyone.

Okay, okay, I give up, I am going to watch Heated Rivalry

Sorry 2025, but it's time to break up. It's not me, it's you

Kids are sticky and smell like food they don’t have anymore. You can’t trust kids

Wanna be filled with a lot more hate and zebra cakes in 2026

I hate that I have to ask this but, who is Cinnabon for? I was 330 lbs and still thought, “well that seems like a bit much”

Thinking of the most outrageous but truthful OOO message for my work email, should I mention being sad, broke, or tired first??

I already know I'm just a secret you didn't have to film five different endings about it

when the dating app is like, “sorry you’ve seen everyone,” but you live in a city of 3.9 million

please don't talk about me like that, I'm standing right here

Batman catches em, Matlock gives em a folksy defense. It's Batlock, Tuesdays this fall on ABC. Catch the excitement!

I’m sorry, but when Funiculì, Funiculà comes on, I’m gonna just start fuckin shit up—I’m gonna start a mosh pit

ok I did one

there are many good reasons to leave the toilet open -can't lift lid -poop standing up -need to coat self in protective film of own refuse while flushing like a toad in its mucus or will become brittle like old clay & crack apart at the joints -incapable of imagining world with second person in it

the loofa knows too much