Me: And that one? Server: No, sir. That popcorn shrimp did not die of natural causes either.

What if I die before hitting a grand slam? Holy shit!

Bedknobs and Broomsticks has been instructing us for a long time

Another Norm Nation update, sent another $670 in NN funds to @nateobermiller.bsky.social, who is helping a family stay housed in Columbia Heights (the city where little Liam was kidnapped from). Appreciate all the work my local friends are doing to protect our neighbors and all of your generosity.

A huge Norm Nation update! Yesterday, so many reached out to help a family in hiding escape eviction. Today, I paid $3,700 for 3 months’ rent (2 months of back rent since they can’t leave the house and also March’s rent, because it’s already mid-February). Thank you so much! You are saving lives.

There are few jokes I like more than Jerry Blank pressing the button on a vending machine and getting some ribs.

[stepping out my door and being bombarded by paparazzi] I guess that's why they call it a door fame.

Reddit is not having it with the 2 Minute Tour guy ditching Minneapolis

Ad-Rock: Droppin' off to Dreamland so E-Z-LEE!

[singing the words "lovely day" at you until you are convinced we've had a lovely day]

[an old Irish blessing] May you never meet your socials in real life

He's a 10, but invented saying "hot dog" when someone is excited

We all wear our own "hawk proof vests" every day

They should have a basketball league for folks under 5'2"

I think the lowest lowest lowest lowest bar for president should be, "Do I think they could babysit an infant.'

Psst! Psht! Pisséd!

Not sure if this is going to work. But I think I have the coordinates and calculations correct for this Earth. If everything went according to plan, the British now love tea instead of Flavor Blasted Cherry Gatorade. Tea! The very thought. The thought of "tea time?" Hilarious, right?

What is Nelson Muntz's famous catchphrase?

The fact that we arrived as the opening band was doing their last song, checked the balcony for leaning space, checked out the merch booth, and turned around to find one of three total booths empty for sitting and snugging and placing glasses of water was unfathomable.

[when Superbad can out] You haven't seen Superbad yet???

Even if you're not going to wear it (I am), you have to buy a Bad Bad Hats hat

Think of how much the Amish could get done if they could go 10 mph faster

We should have the ability to levitate and explode. Would certainly change a few things.

It's been nice not to think about Mark Cuban for a long time until just now randomly

Status Quo Troopers (1997)

Apparently there’s grocery inflation discourse again, but as I’ve been buying groceries for other families during this crisis, often under duress, it’s brought me out of my own optimized grocery spending habits, which rely heavily on Costco. And damn, there is a huge price to pay for being poor.

I find the middle of February is the best time to farm fresh tomatoes and vegetables

Imagine the rest of the world watching has been happening in Minnesota the last two months, seeing that ICE is going to be at the World Cup, and deciding, "Yeah, I think I want to travel to the US for that."

The kids decided I look like a Sam today

That was just about a perfect evening

If you're not good, Willow will murder you

Ink is really sexy. She may have convinced me to get a Beulah tattoo. Would be my first.

[Walt Disney looking on from his cryochamber, nodding]

So, I called a scammer back when I was unemployed and we had a very frank 45 minute conversation. Yes, I'm doing a cringy voice at the beginning. Move past it.

Animation of all fed activity from Dec 1st through Feb 11th. The source data are a combo of both rapid response networks' data and IceOut's.

Ain't no rule says a rule can rule rulesketrule

It's wild that we went to restaurants like Applebee's, without cellphones, as a family of 5. And they'd tell us it would be a 45 minute wait and we'd be, like, "Oh, of course. We'll go sit on that hard wooden bench until you call our names."

1 in the pink, 2 in the pink. 3 in the pink? 4 in the pink! 5 IN THE PINK? 6 IN THE PIIIIIINK!!!!! 7! 7!

Shitposts? No. Lifeposts.

Everyone is in this hotel for the basketball tournaments and we're here for a concert

It only took me a month, but I finally made a volunteer page on Stand With Minnesota. Because we are about to need a lot of freaking volunteers. Help us keep Minnesota housed!

Ah yes. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day quite like a crucifix thong

hmm

God gave us English for a reason. To give it to robots.

Who up drinking Liquid I.V. and eating bananas

Parents should say "we're bringing over a letter from your dead theater mentor we found" at least a week in advance of doing it

💌

Not to get anyone's hopes up, but the parking lot of every hotel in Maple Grove, MN was noticeably emptier.

MPD just parked an unmarked vehicle across the street from the american indian center on franklin ave ahead of the MMIR march and he got out of the vehicle and put the “MPD IS HIRING” decals on it. what the fuck

Trying to teach a caveman contactless payment and I should have started with teaching about money, maybe?