Who wouldn't clean the laundry lint? Cleaning the laundry lint rules!

Got a new phrase to take the place of “that’s a spicy meatball”

Parking in Uptown has always sucked. It's not the parking.

Making your Rubik's Cube slippery

I get it. I'm always down because of vibes too.

FYI regarding Gaiman since his account is reactivated: If you want to disconnect from it, the correct order is unfollow, then block. If you forget to unfollow first, click on @neilhimself.neilgaiman.com and unblock, then unfollow/block.

@neilhimself.neilgaiman.com Hey dude! Glad you're back so we can tell you to get fucked!

Be proud of yourself! Unless you're bad.

"Who Let the Dogs Out" is our "Shave and a Haircut"

When teaching your kids about the importance of deodorant, they're at "Peak Reek."

It's funny that every story about Lawrence Tierney is "he was very bizarre and disturbing on set" and "gave an amazing performance. Seinfeld. Simpsons. Star Trek Maybe just shows that start with an S.

Here's the main thing you all forget. I'm rubber and you're glue.

Every tactical vanity device aimed at men makes the men that use them seem much less secure with their masculinity. They're all Bart pointing at their "Time For Chili" hat.

[the kids every time the oven turns on] It smells like pizza. Are we having pizza?

With protections to our most vulnerable populations being stripped and gas prices going up, I'm glad our suburban city councils are spending time deciding to fly the old racist Minnesota flag.

I hint at my priorities. I'm a prioritease.

There should be a vampire game where you go around trying to be an absolute creep, like vampires are.

Hmm? Hmm.

Time to put on my tattered and disgusting shoes to mow the lawn. Think my lawn-obssesive neighbor already had three mows in.

Not much of a SECRET service if I've heard of them

Good news: America's over

In the midst of the war. He offered us peace.

Has anyone watched "Earth Girls Are Easy" all the way through, or did you catch 10 minutes of it on Comedy Central when you were 8, like everybody else?

Alien: And how did you run out of water? Earthling: Machines drank it. Alien: Machines. Earthling: We had to feed machines the water. Aliens: So the machines were holding your planet hostage for water. Earthling: No, we made the thirsty machines. They worked for us. Alien: End communication.

Why can't they make the movie about the thing I've never read the way I want?

"Quit calling it a bubble," The Bubble Master demanded!

"McCabe finds a hang glider flying circus and hires them to take part in a rescue mission."

"Weirdo hippy Martian immigrants!"

Celebrities don't love you and don't need $100, people.

Having a bully again could fix me

What do you give someone who likes gold but has enough gold?

I assume it is still a good thing to have rizz? Has that become bad?

I can never tell how old anyone is anymore since they became robots

I'm very good at video games.

Karate Prom

Hey, it's the book from @cephaccino.bsky.social and me!

What is this kitty's secret?

Fresh haircut day

The strongest warrior in my village could beat up the strongest warrior in your village

Hot Tip. If you wish anyone alive again, they're going to immediately die again because of their condition. You have to specify that to genies and leprechauns. Did leprechauns grant wishes?

I would expect a morning zoo crew to act more respectfully than the animals they attend to, but I didn't go to school for being at zoos.

I saw a sneak peek of The Odyssey and it was so good! You won't believe it. Nolan does this crazy thing with time?

Oh, dang. Johnny Cash is alive again.

Smithin' lessons > Smith & Wessons

When someone "houses" a food product, do they mean that the individual becomes a home for it?

Spice Girls? Call me when it's Space Eels! Is it time to go to bed?

Actor and what?

I bought your new single on Bandcamp Friday. Please respond.