The Amish are pumping their fists right now

And that sounds that plays in Looney Tunes when someone's head turns into a big sucker should play whenever they leave the bathroom. [the genie furrows his brow]

Working out is 25% working out and 75% trying to get yourself to work out.

The part where your parents start complaining about this escalator that stopped when they got to it is when you say, "Oh, gosh. Well, I should get started on dinner. Talk to you later," and hang up.

[having enough money to allow my family and me to live in luxury the rest of our lives] I should become a problem for other people.

Dogs should do that thing yo-yo's do when you walk them.

A good prank for dolphins would be to talk to maybe 50 people once and then stop. I bet that group of 50 people would find each other. Bonding over the fact that they believe each other when nobody else will. Nice one, dolphins.

Where are the Impractical Jokers now? Right now? Because I think they might be in your house.

My Dearest, I am now set down to write to you on a subject, which fills me with inexpressible concern, and this concern is greatly aggravated and increased, when I reflect upon the uneasiness I know it will give you. At the UN, I came to a moving staircase used to shepherd souls betwixt floors.

[at intermission] I'm gonna go outside and stretch my legs. [I exit the theater as my legs extend, bringing me above the people, trees, buildings, and clouds. I never stop.]

Omelettes are a hot dog

Sailors at night, red sky's delight, Sailors at morning, red sky take warning

The cool guy thing to do would be to not mention the escalator. It's an escalator. Cool guys don't get mad about escalators. Which leads me to one conclusion.

I'm never going to be described as "glamorous," am I?

Birds should spend a little more time in their eggs because those babies look ridiculous

As a baseball player, I find sex in movies distracting. They should be playing baseball.

I hired the gorilla that shakes your hand for an anniversary party I was throwing and they were underwhelming. I don't know why you all kept recommending the gorilla that shakes your hand to me.

What is the cost of friendship? What is the cost of friendship with a ghost?

Synths in "Alien: Earth" watching humans bite it

Al pastor are the best kind of tacos and the local taco truck that sells them is unfindable. They're always moving around and don't update their socials.

"Baby Steps" is game of the year

You can do better with stock photography than you can with AI.

I also give speeches to my wife in the morning.

I don't like watching Alien because it reminds me of when that happened to me

Basketball hoops could be more dynamic. Like, if the other team can solve a puzzle during the game then they get a power up that can close the hoop like a sphincter for 2 seconds.

Getting fun little ads for "The Jury Experience," which lets you be a juror for a trial up on stage. Being in a jury sucks ass because now you have horrible new shit you've heard and seen to carry with you the rest of your life.

Who picked gastroenterologist instead of digestive detective?

You only get to Heaven if you're eaten by a lion. Everyone in Heaven was eaten by a lion.

This just looks ominous

[Johnny 5 looks down at two piles of clothes] Stephanie? Newton Crosby?

Scheduling my "I have been raptured" email to everyone I know

A "ham sandwich" is the funniest food. Don't come in here talking to me about "hot dogs." Also very funny, but not the funniest.

Don't rub my eyes? One of the best feelings in the world? Oh, okay.

He kept reading about the horrible things until the horrible things were happening to him. "I knew it," he thought.

Do snakes care about ants?

Devil in the streets. Devil in the sheets. It's the Devil.

Bear: You call it what?

The bad thing about the Rapture is we'll still have all these billionaires

Looking at some other troops tonight. They can only get better.

Always wear clean underwear to the Rapture. You don't want those left behind making fun.

Delaware Live, you are severely overestimating how much I want to visit Delaware Live

Thank god they're bringing back Conan

Establishing my dominance in prison by extending my hand in greeting but pulling back and saying, "Psych!"

If you think you got into my panic room, SURPRISE! Second panic room.

There's no way that this would happen. But I'd use a genie wish on it.

Beets taste like corn that's died

The church is big about the rapture coming like "a thief in the night." Nobody is getting raptured with prior notice.

It is my opinion that edgelords push the edge TOO FAR!