sometimes i’ll say something like, “i like bread,” & then my cultured friend would say, “i like drinking lime rickeys on my houseboat in victoria harbour whilst listening to a japanese import of a rare acid jazz remake of scarborough fair,” & then i’m all, like, “i like bread.”

judge: thank you juror number four, you’re excused. me, juror number four: are you sure? i’ve got nowhere to be.

Just found out Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. This is why I have trust issues

Hahaha that's cute. Now try convincing your dog you get an extra hour of sleep

my 5 year plan is to eventually put my phone down

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

In the darkest hour, I remind myself things that are always true are still true- like I'm gonna stub my toe on the way to the light

This is a great time of year for people who go to bed at 5:00

(Cheerfully whistling whilst ladling hot gravy into Halloween sacks)

There is a distinct cultural gulf between earls in royalty and earls in arkansas

Last night I had the option to hand out candy or turn off all the lights and hoard. I stand by my decision.

Lost another fight with my stove clock

*halfway through mass i lean over to my wife & whisper* where are we?

Friendly reminder to be kind to yourself today or I'll set your car on fire

The time change doesn’t bother me. I always keep some daylight saved in a jar on my kitchen counter

Seated at the poker table & suddenly I am not holding cards but 5 perfectly formed, freshly cooked pancakes.

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name? "Scissorhands"

“this podcaster i listen to said that, actually, we’re all living in a simulation!” i shout to the horrified skydiving instructor as i free-fall through the air without a parachute.

experiencing a particularly nasty bout of existential dread, the lonely piñata wanders into a bed, bath & beyond in a desperate search for meaning, & because he has lolipops & jolly ranchers for brains, he is unable to comprehend that there is no beyond, there’s only bed & bath.

my wife had to wake me up last night because i kept screaming in my sleep, “not all bread needs to be toasted, cheryl!”

I'm not passionate about sporps but I'm vaguely pleased that our batch of non-Canadian sporpsball mercenaries out-sporpsed the other city's sporpsball mercenaries

The wiper reservoir is filled with tomato sauce, the steering wheel is a dough machine, & the armrests steadily grate mozzarella: every part of the PIZZACAR is designed to crank out delicious piping hot pies as you drive. Best of all: it is absolutely impossible to turn off the pizza-making feature.

Chilling vision of the future: The year is 3215. The condiment wars that consumed more than 1,000 years of life on earth have ended, & the planet has been rebuilt & resettled by an undulating layer of sentient ranch dressing.

[at Arby's] may i please have two roast beeves

the two primary qualifications for being a squirrel is 90% belligerent drunk guy at a bar attitude & 10% top tier safe cracker who knows how to expertly break into a pine cone.

haha, if i'm supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are in the garage singing happy birthday to my dad’s stamp collection?

WARDEN: any last words ME: come closer WARDEN: *leans down* yes? ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

GOD: hi, welcome to heaven ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here? [30 seconds later] SATAN: hi, welcome to hell

How are my favorite cereals doing on the NASDAQ

Keep me in your thoughts I'm going through a four way stop

Just want a haircut that makes me look like I know how to read.

If life had no meaning we wouldn't have figure skating.

I feel like they didn’t make such a big deal out of it when all my emus with mild seasonal allergies escaped

there should be a small trustworthy animal you can release into your home's walls to find out whether you have a dead mouse in there (popular idea)

just finished putting out my halloween decoration (Teddy Ruxpin with cassette tape of Ministry's Psalm 69 on loop)

*replying to friend’s newborn baby photos* so adorable. what prompt did you use

kids: trick or treat! me: ok who do we have here kid 1: a ghost! me: ohh scary kid 2: a goblin! me: spoooky kid 3: a ghoul me: sounds made up

my life coach: what’s standing in the way of your success & happiness? me: {i show him a drawing i did of a dog with several rows of shark teeth}

saw a reporter on tv wearing a bold scarf and even bolder glasses and said aloud to no one, "wow, she's really going all the way"

one time in high school there was a cute girl who told me that she liked me & i panicked & said, “i am an inept person living in a world i don’t quite understand,” & then i promptly walked right into a nearby wood chipper.

*opening the door for trick or treaters* would everyone like to hear the story of how a foodie cult destroyed my parent’s lives?

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

placebo is a good word but I feel like it just lacks something

my smart fridge just alerted me that in five billion years the sun will expand to the size of a red giant & incinerate the first three planets, including the earth, & also that i’m out of orange juice.

i begin every job resumé with ‘i need friday off’

“when i was a kid one of my role models was a jar of pickles,” i say to the bartender, who is trying to close up for the night, while i stare at my margarita with a perfectly extinguished cigarette butt in it.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

a very miami christmas: *christmas eve. i open a large leather bound book & begin reading to the children* this is the story of a man who wanted to be the greatest narcotics dealer in the world. his name was tony montana. there was only one problem, though, tony’s mind was not wired correctly.

Over there sits your childhood stuffed animal slowly losing atoms to chaos. Piece by piece he says goodbye. Piece by piece you join him.

as tom selleck’s mustache travels through the chronosynclastic infundibulum straight into the singularity, a new universe is born & is ruled by intelligent forms of reverse mortgage loans.