a good lawyer name would be Lou Pole

For twenty years I made a living pretending to know everything while hallucinating wildly and drawing dirty pictures but now AI has taken my job.

She could’ve said she didn’t wanna be friends anymore but instead she gave my kids kinetic sand.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

You don’t suffer fools gladly? But sir, may I point out that you’re on social media voluntarily?

“Listen Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

The easiest way to get rich is to hyphenate your last name. Seriously, do you know anyone named “Smythe-Follansbee” who doesn’t have millions?

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

That lamp looks PISSED.

I dare that tough guy Sandwich Man to throw a double meatball sub with marinara, sautéed onions, and melted mozzarella at my mouf

[slamming my hands down on the desk of the President of Universal Pictures] Fast. Frankensteins.

I think Chewbacca wasn't actually very smart. I think he was doing a good job at passing, but I think he was living a lie.

Do they have the slow release patch that stops your craving to sit on chairs?

Have you ever come home and your wife says, "I found something at the store that I think you'll love?" And it's a mirror that reflects images from a silly clown dimension? Because twice seems like a lot.

I mean yeah I repeat myself. I have adhd and short term memory loss and adhd and short term memory loss so yeah I repeat myself.

There's more to life than reading. There's also Mexican food.

Sure now I can watch football on an 80-inch 4k TV above the fireplace but nothing will ever top watching SCTV on my 12-inch b/w on the floor next to my bed at 1 am.

You may think you’re on top of things but I’m already in line at Best Buy

Research suggests a link between swimming and being wet.

Never too soon

Oh what fun! <derogatory >

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

The 80s were a time when Al Bundy, an idiot shoe salesman, could afford a 3 bedroom home in Chicago.

it was love at first sight

Let's let bygones be blood feuds.

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

Haha no kids Mickey was born 97 years ago. He's a mouse. He's dead.

i know all the names of my arch enemy's brothers but i can't nemesis

COKE: is pepsi okay DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

[press conference] REPORTER 1: what is your favorite sport ME: tennis REPORTER 3: what is your favorite number ME: ten is REPORTER 2: what is your favorite state ME: TN is REPORTER 4: what is your favorite color ME: blue REPORTERS: *gasp* ME: jk tan is

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

Them: your days are numbered Me: all days are numbered, it’s called a calendar ya dumbass

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

is it bananas, it’s bananas isn’t it

[speed date] me: how do you do date: do what ? me: RING THE BELL RING THE FUCKEN BELL RING THE B

is it take a nap, it’s take a nap isn’t it

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

my pillow pet is a big ass bag of weed

LOGGING ON

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

Pretty glad to see Mamdani is implementing Shakeyourump Law because honestly all I wanna do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom

No one under 80 should be thanking a retiring member of Congress for their service.

Puttin' on a blonde wig, scarfing down trash for dinner and calling myself Melissa Joan Fart. Clarissa Explodes the John

At this point I view pretty much everybody over 50 as a ghoul

I dare that tough guy Sandwich Man to throw a double meatball sub with marinara, sautéed onions, and melted mozzarella at my mouf

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears