Rapture? More like NAPTURE amirite hahah-(gets hit by rock)

My sight grows dim with age, wait *turns on kitchen light* false alarm

I had Bob's Burgers on the TV and my mom asked if it was The Simpsons, it was very cute

I wanna be an otter. Just swimming around, being cute, eating clams.

Oh that was unhappiness this is depression dumbass.

I like to imagine that there's a little bit of Dave in every Wendy's burger.

you don’t know fear until you’ve experienced my dad trying to drive and hold a conversation at the same time

Why does everything cost $30

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

I could listen to a Frenchman say artificial insemination all day long

What if everyone masturbating disappeared at once? Call that a fapture

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

Rfk being extremely normal about the ejaculation volume of literal children, an extremely normal issue for a 71 year old man to have.

Doctors HATE this one SIMPLE trick: saying tylenol causes autism

One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Yeah i love french kissing...french FRY kissing that is (eats an entire carton of fries in an upsetting manner)

(do not post until Wednesday morning) wow more like CRAPture

what's up with men not going off to seek their fortune with nothing but a bit of bread and hard cheese in their leather sack

A time traveller sitting down with a medieval peasant, trying to explain why Tony Hawk is famous.

danke schoen is german for "thank you shane"

This day in history. 1823. The angel Moroni revealed a golden book written in Egyptian hieroglyphics to Mormon founder Joseph Smith. You can't make this stuff up but Smith could.

my favorite part about this years rapture is all the drugs.

at a friend’s wedding recently we were trying to think of the funniest possible song to request at the reception and we settled on Even Flow

Everyone just pretend to be raptured for the bit

My dog is more true to her real self than anyone I know, but she also poops on the sidewalk

Sneaking into the rapture to fight god

short people always fucking up my day!!!

we can’t do rapture tomorrow. i don’t have the right outfit yet.

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

Funniest thing I did today was cancelling my Hulu bundle after they announced bringing Kimmel back cuz fuck those assholes.

Due to a near death experience/afterlife mix up, I can attest: Doggy Heaven is real.

The Just for Men must be working. Got carded buying beer for some kids!

Welcome to our company website. Here's a picture of us smiling and laughing in one of our collaboration confabs. If it just looks like a business meeting and not six pals in a trendy coffee house just enjoying each other's company, our web designer has fucked up again.

“This is a clear example of the FAA’s outdated infrastructure and underscores the urgent need to modernize our air traffic control systems,” the FAA said Saturday. I think the FAA is finding creative ways to get our attention about updating the system.

It's funny how a smell or a taste can take you right back to the exact moment that you assassinated John F. Kennedy

The latest rapture is scheduled for tomorrow, meanwhile I'm looking at the sky and hoping a jet engine falls out of it

I was on Twitter for the Mayan rapture of 2012 and lemme tell you: I’ve spent every single day wishing it was true ever since

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

There’s actually a lot of people on Bluesky who have moderate political beliefs that do fine because they’ve discovered a hidden trick where they don’t start every post with “listen up Fuckos”

I don’t care, I’m wearing a bikini until I’m in my 90s and everyone will just have to suffer.

does everyone get raptured or is it like a selective process? how do I qualify?

with a little love we can make this amazon warehouse an amazon warehome

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

murican. merkin.

I can’t wait for tomorrow (rapture)