I'm a huge fan of Dolly Parton. We're the same age and height, but she can sing better. Shame on Missouri Republicans for slashing funding to Dolly's Imagination Library, which provides free books to over 170,000 children every month. They must reverse these cuts immediately.

the most embarrassing thing in the world is when you’re upset to the point of tears and then you realize it’s because you’re hungry. the second most embarrassing thing in the world? say it with me now: shitting your pants in a moe’s southwest grill

Roosevelt High School students and staff bravely stood up to ICE on behalf of their neighbors during "Operation Metro Surge." I was my honor to present them with a Congressional Record recognizing their incredible courage and resilience. 💙

They shot and killed two Americans in cold blood.

*sees a $10M home on Instagram with $5M interior decor* me: oooh i love simple, cozy places

This is, actually, what women want: a knight who is also Idris Elba

L - GOP Rep and MI senate candidate Mike Rogers actual photo from the campaign trail. R - Photo put out by staffer.

The cure for sleepwalking? Insomnia.

this is an okay prodigal son dinner but I've seen calfs more fatted tbh

You shoulda seen Neil Young’s face when I rode in on an ACTUAL crazy horse

The doctor's office receptionist said "Eat shit & die! Is that all you need? Thank you for calling Vanderbilt!"

My probation officer found out I was posting on the Mars Volta message boards again and threw me back in jail without even giving me a drug test (I would have failed)

Me: Where’d you find the goth pigeon? Her: It’s a crow.

FIFA stands for Full Instructions For Anal

Tried to check my credit score and the phone screen turned sepia like a Great Depression flashback

Maybe you should run your PERSONALITY through AI boom gottem

Emotions are overrated and I don’t know how I feel about that.

You know I ain't afraid of shit because I posted on Nextdoor trying to help a friend re-home her dog

When in a conflict with my spouse there is one sure-fire method for defusing the situation: I fold like a cheap lawn chair.

Shhh boss you know 1:45 to 4:30 is playing-with-my-phone-under-my-desk time

*inventing italics* What if the letters looked like they were a little drunk

Either this is the best taco in the history of human kind or I’m higher than I’ve ever been.

(New Order bassline) sorry about that but it's the only way I can express something meaningless about our relationship and it still sounds cool and you think I'm cool

Me: You have the face of an angle. Her: Don’t you mean angel? Me: No. You’re such acutey pie!

Starting my day with peace and calm only requires one thing: that no one talk to me, touch me, or expect anything from me for four hours after waking

A sign said IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS so when my mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly I tossed her through a window.

[creating bluesky] what if there was a website where everyone is 46

Don't end anything until you are ready to have ended something. Everything is so already over it's heartbreaking but if you end it yourself having used what's called past perfect, it never have taken away

I thought the chorus in the song 𝘓𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘍𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦 was “lunatic French.” I was afraid to visit Paris for years.

Jane Austen America Book. In June. 🤝 Pride & Prejudice

Based on his military deferments I’m assuming Donald is picking the Spurs.

Last night I dreamt a lion was killing a cougar but then an elephant stormed in and killed the lion what kind of Old Testament ass dream is this am I a fuckin pharaoh??

(I got permission to post this) Beginning today, I will not be posting anything about my son. I will instead be posting about my daughter. Happy Pride!

Choosing to be born on June 1 is absolutely iconic so it's only fitting that @beaveinflow.bsky.social did. Happy happy birthday to the woman who probably made some sort of magical deal to be as beautiful & hilarious at the same freaking time as she is. Our jealousy is your present, you're welcome.

Happy birthday to the Canadian Raven and Bluesky luminary @beaveinflow.bsky.social we’re fortunate to live in the age of one of the fuckin greats

Happy bday to an unbelievably kind brilliant and hilarious woman I am so happy to get to call my friend @beaveinflow.bsky.social. I was going to point out that you're beautiful too but I can only do so much stating the obvious. :) Thank you for you, Girlie- I am so blessed to know you. 💕

Anyone who unfollows me on my birthday gets fed to the garden snakes. They've been waiting all year.

whenever i think "i own enough t shirts already" i see something like this

There are no “legitimate concerns” about trans people. There aren’t any about women’s safety or fairness in sports or kids being kids or fucking toilets. If there were you’d have heard of them before 2018. I am a cis white woman so you have to listen to me or I’ll cry.

my phone autocorrected “women” to “wormed” so congrats, ladies, your metamorphosis is complete

My Airbnb host needs to calm down about the hat rack I custom made (you’re welcome) from these useless steak knives (YOU’RE WELCOME)

Supermarket food samples are nice, but why no bank money samples or dealership car samples?

BREAKING: groundbreaking Lawndale garage band Mystik Spiral have pulled out of the Great American State Fair

leave the gun take the cannoli is how you say feel alright on a Saturday night in italian

Thirst trap, bear trap. Either way, you got me.

Me: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Him: You didn’t warn me. Me: Fine. But you suck at following instructions.

They kicked me out of debate camp. Frankly, I couldn’t argue with them.