Got injured by a tree. Starting to think that actually maybe they should all be locked up. You've made a powerful enemy today, Joni Mitchell.

I wrote a short story about a character who becomes aware they're in a piece of fiction that will never be finished, and now there's mysterious knocking at my door.

I think dangerous beasts would respect my vibe

Joy turns to overjoy, an overloading surgeon overloading. It's always merit, don't even know what an ocracy is but yeah I have some stereotype in me

If I had to live my entire life all over again, I'd complain a lot more. Mainly about the “living my entire life all over again” aspect of things

Maybe I want to get serious with the Cheez Whiz, Mr. Beck. How bout that?

My stalker. All the smudges on the glass? My stalker’s nose prints.

"That's how I roll," I say with swagger, knowing full well that I have never "rolled" in my life.

Yuko has been winterized

(packing for vacation) Day One? Hmmmm...caftan! Day twoooo? Caftan. Dayyy threee? Lol. Caftan.

i gave you pantoprazole, you gave me your heart . what kind of fucken trade is that? i already have a heart. you were out of pantoprazole wtf ???

If cartoons we watched as kids were rebooted to today’s standards we’d be having a purple gorilla yelling GREAT VAPE

Musty Dish Sponge, a new fragrance by Tom Ford.

When you go to clean the night outta your eyes & it’s all glitter

10 children is a lot of children. You should think about giving some of them back to charity.

Now we can go back to the Schoolhouse Rocks where they actually showed music videos

No country for elder emo men

It’s closer than you think

I started crying because the coconut milk was lumpy and that's when I realized I had a fever

One thing about me is if I don't know what to talk about I'm just going to start asking you questions about yourself until you come up with something else to talk about or I know every single thing about you

me: my bff said you shouldn’t stand in front of a microwave oven cuz the radiation will cause body deformities then she said are you even listening & i said yes, im all ears lol my gynecologist: what

Hungover from taking care of a nervous wreck of a dog all night and trying to sleep on the wrong firmness of mattress and itchy sheets

“Any last words, my wiggly little friend?” The worm looked up defiantly, and with all the contempt it could muster, croaked, “Fuck you, early bird.” “Fair enough,” came the response, and then the worm’s world went black.

Cats have a lot of perks over being a human but I think I am most envious of their ability to take a bath in bed. If I could take a bath in bed I would never get up.

If you leave a 2024 or newer car alone for a few days, it'll beep for your attention until you give it scritches.

My ankle cracked so loud it scared the cat, I love this creaky flesh prison

When I was 19 I worked with a young woman who had breast reduction surgery and called herself Frankentits due to the stitches, but technically she was Frankentits' Monster

The only valid reason to block me is when you feel too attracted to me

I can accurately predict what you smell like based on your skeets

If you love turnips, you should smell the person behind me on this bus

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

made it to about ten o’clock this morning pretending that everything in life is pretty normal right now

I have resting Edvard Munch's "The Scream" face

If you pretend it’s a screaming robot you push around, vacuuming is actually kind of fun.

congratulations america on making it to 250, you don't look a day over 476 AD

You’re very pretty, do you mind if I made up one of my many mannequins to look like you?

Claude ate the dog that ate my homework.

250 years ago today, Jesus gave birth to a pile of guns

It’s dangerous to go alone! take this. *only gives you a high five

This shit is out of control, I’m sorry

tried to teach my son to be an ipad kid but after some initial success, he's now just laying on the tablet staring at the bugs and purring loudly

The places we’ll go.

i think if you’re going to collect husbands they should each have a unique production flaw that makes them more valuable to trade later (and for gosh sakes don’t ever take them out of the box)

My sister bought me a set of monogrammed luggage. Now I'll be going traveling the world with JERK stitched into my bags.

The big ones will have to wait because we already saw bigger. It makes no sense to procure your own process after going to see someone else's spectacle

Your dog hates fireworks. My dog is chasing me with a roman candle because she celebrates liberty

𝘈𝘮𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘦 is Latin for “friend of the court” but they stopped teaching that in law school because the court has no friends anymore.

It's almost too simple but I shoot water in the sky to celebratorily rain down like rain whenever there's something to rain about such as a gtfo to complex high pressure

bringing a kitchen blowtorch to the parade so every time a child drops a novelty flag on the ground I can respectfully burn it on the spot

It goes like this the 4th not 5th, and Jaws is on, your spirits lift, but you never found that anchor suit now did ya