Eating a bowl of croutons like cold cereal

30 seconds of bird bliss, if you like that sort of thing, I guess

Ever worry that you are communicating too much unknowingly with your animal trying to use their language "We are the forever couple, we owe this thing a love with honesty. When we're rough around each other I'm thinking of cardboard"

vibe coding a trust and safety team

they only hate beards because they're babies who haven't developed sufficient object permanence to be sure your chin is still there and it freaks them out

slop bowl is short for sloop john bowl

ranking grandparents by % racist

If I’ve ever shared a song with you just know that means I would die for you

Boss: I need a second set of eyes on this report. Arachnid employee: Got you covered all day, boss.

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

Once you earn a goth girl’s trust, you may feed her Mike & Ikes straight from your hand

Getting up from the bar to puke like

I am not chubby, I am just more 3D than you'd like

attention everyone except los angeles: it’s gonna rain in la for the next few days so be prepared to hear us talk about rain. thanks we love you.

Just a super long esophagus in a trench coat.

I wait all day so I can peek back the which, sulfurous clouds of the second in the sky. When the time comes I'm overcome by lethargy, being pulled into the soundless depths of night without a whisper to call my own

Sparks and electrical fires call me short circuit because all of my paths lead to a dramatic flare but I do practice pinching for a more slow burn cartoon fuse sizzle

Only wink wink can nudge nudge me

Every friend group has that one friend that's just a ghost that hasn't figured out they're dead yet. If you don't know who in your friend group is the ghost then I'm sorry buddy but I've got some bad news for you...

Instead of building a ship in a bottle I took a bottle on a ship. Now there’s a man overboard and I’ve been banned from Carnival Cruises for life.

Need to find a new lawyer. This one keeps insisting that 'addicted to the shindig' isn't a valid defence for a failure to stop charge, and I simply disagree.

You could make me cry with a mildly poignant insurance ad right now, but this had me in floods of tears for 22 minutes. I need to rehydrate.

FUN FACT: The 'five-second rule' was invented in 1987 by a man who had already eaten the biscuit and needed a legal precedent.

today’s workout brought to you by: a good therapy session, some intuition feels that led to old grief, but yay for human connection, and cardi

The devil, having tired of the details, is in the depression

ever notice that the dudes who say, “but don’t fall in love with me” are the ones that nobody falls in love with?

One thing we miss here is the TikTok exposé wherein you find out that a woman busted her husband on Tinder but then discovered that it wasn't just one mistress, it was 9 relationships including one he got pregnant, one he proposed to and a dude, and she started a group chat with all of them

I referred to someone as “sandwich bags” the other day and hope it catches on.

I crave endless attention and total isolation at the same time.

My abomination has a first name.

I didn’t have imaginary friends. I had very specific spirits.

After hours and hours we have Nothing to show for it. It's beige and lame and nice but not what I was looking for

If you put a mall directory in a high traffic crossroads of your home people will stop and stare at it long enough for you to find out what they came there for, usually just to murmur and echo so be cavernous

Well well well, light up the horizon of my soul why don’t you

Whenever it says human grade on a bag of dog treats I’m like shit does this mean they’re entirely covered in diquat

Unlike the competitors, our holiday puppy chow is made with real Purina brand Puppy Chow because we care.

My farm is almost too successful. It's taking up a lot of the grass slots we have and there's not much more room for the actual harvesters themselves. It'll prove to be useful for the sustenance situation but I'm scared it won't be as compact as advertised

Kids will smile so hard at you with an entire mouth of missing teeth & I love that so much for them.

Leaving a warm bed on a cold day is a deadly sin like im gonna die if i do it

In heaven, I'll always have something to blow my nose into.

I would venture to guess that most people that say they are libertarians don't actually know what libertarians are and have probably never seen a Japanese raccoon dog either.

whenever people mention how many spiders you eat in your sleep, I just think about all the cat hair I’m eating all day.

My degree was in English lit but I went to medical school later after this one time at a party and great quotes just pouring out of me I could not say "coagulate yourself bitch" without sounding pompous ass

Your harshest critics are the nice women who attend my book club and bring pumpkin blondies and eviscerate your chapters and skeets

Played “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” for a five year old girl, and she told me, “You know, I do”

When we weren't looking they quietly took floating holidays away from us. That's when clowns took to the sewers.

my to do list is so long it may as well be a fantasy novel

And when there were twenty-three pairs of footprints in the sand? It was then that you were a member of The Polyphonic Spree.

When kitch'n and witch'n, Bake'n and make'n Fairy legging and jelly fish curry stained aprons are the way