happy sunrise to those who celebrate, and doom upon those who are using leaf blowers at 7:30 a.m.

3-way kiss with my incubus and the sandman when the ball drops

gm but only to other people injured in the night by sleep

resolution for twenty twenty six is to always have positive thoughts and good ideas when figuring out What’s For Dinner

In the desk tonight

coffee isn’t enough i need to be jiggled about by one of those old timey weight loss machines

as the prophecy foretold

Any time i realise i am looking at Jupiter i say, 'fark me dead' cause like thats a lot of light bouncing about space for me to be able to see that ridiculously large and far away thing through a city's foggy smoggy light

trawling the NYC subways to find a man who will let me shout "bring back silly batman" to the world

Oh to have the unearned confidence of an Idiot, it must be like living in a soft warm blanket

I never say I Love You It is a deceitful phrase with no fixed meaning Words twisted into whatever the speaker wants to mean or whatever the listener wants to hear But I care for you Adore you Smile when I see you Miss you when you're gone Revel in your company Wish for your joy That will have to do.

I like how everything will turn out alright in the end

We do not recommend wearing black to Greeneville Zoo's World of the White Tiger and lint rollers will not be provided.

Top Causes of Divorce: 4. Finances 3. Infidelity 2. Lack of Intimacy 1. Thermostat Wars

Me at 25: By middle age, you should own nice home and have a thriving showbiz career Me at middle age: *in an okay apartment, very into squirrels*

My Bluesky won’t load so I’ll just say good morning ☀️ I have therapy again today (9:15). 4 weeks ago today we rescued Erza 💚 Hopefully bsky will load when I come back. 😘

The best thing about holdin on to broken shit is match makin new couples like broken lamp base this is your new baby pretty ceramic flower—she’s gonna cover your missing piece

Chubby Checker: let’s do the twist Fate: OMG YES

If you can’t call your doctor “Doc” then you needa get the fuck outta there. They’re gonna fuck your shit all up

I am proud of you if you left Scientology, didn't properly redact files on purpose, or put hard pants on today. Also if you haven't done any of those things but did something nice for someone today.

"we need to have a serious talk about..." no we fucking don't. we absolutely do not. we need to have unserious talks about anything but this. music. art. film. theatre. books. things that bring joy. if you need to have a serious talk so badly you can make it about shut up.

2026 resolution to have no serious talks about anything

Parenting three scoops of raisins. My shriveled children

Patenting three scoops of raisins

people don’t eat enough artichokes

here's a strat: sometimes people are real simple and one just hast to meet 'em at "ya simple. that's ok."

My ancestry dot com report came back and it said to get fukin real you’re not even in anyone’s scircle

possessed by the spirit inside this Pringle’s can

Doctor: Unfortunately the implement slipped while placing your valve, leaving behind a small groove. Me: A small groove where

Did he call me "unserious"? Hold my beer hat

getting paid to play with stickers 🏷️😎

got snot dripping all over my banjo

how could i have ever known that the always-on-display worst person in the world for the last ten years was bad and that i shouldn’t behave exactly the same way ??

b-b-b-but i just a poor wittle naive congwessperson

Having my mother declared legally incompetent because her messaging app makes a sound everytime she presses a key

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”

Venmo has likes and comments AND money?!? Byeeee 🏆👑 Congratulations @itsabbyyep.bsky.social from @ennuidoofen.bsky.social

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

I look for the Hitchcock cameo in every one of your posts

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

Pronouncing IPA as one word with a short i sound and talking about them like they're some sports ball team. How bout those ipas, huh?

is it put one foot in front of the other, it’s put one foot in front of the other isn’t it

I ran out of bread while making French toast this morning & to use up the remaining egg/milk goop I had to French toastize other stuff like bologna, peanut butter, cherry tomatoes, a dishrag, & so on

I prefer to call it "keeping secrets from myself" instead of "forgetting"

Imagine shooting a man in Reno and not waiting to see what happens. Wasteful, imo.

i love the moon i wish it was my wife

I only have Duolingo on my phone because my mom isn't around to shame me anymore

FYI: Staring at Roku's screen saver cuz I got the insomnia. The clock tower is set to 10:04 which is when lightning hits to power the Delorean in "Back To The Future" Still can't sleep, but with trivia.

The store got Easter stuff out like they're so sick of Christmas that they want to skip to the end

I stay up all night and sleep all day I have not gone feral I have gone rockstar