incredibly out of pocket behaviour, sir.

incredibly out of pocket behaviour, sir.

we can kill them all if we just work together and ✨believe💫

can't stop thinking about this dog

can't stop thinking about this dog

*stands up* cabbage is the best brassica oleracea and it's not even close

Me: Nice to meet you! What’s your name? My brain: We don’t need that info.

If at first you don’t succeed, lay down and let the forest absorb you.

meat loaf has been yowling at me all morning and I could not figure out what she wanted, to the point I considered taking her to the vet. but turns out, she just wanted me to spin her around on the office chair. a clue would have been nice.

Time for my yearly yearning for megafauna to make a general comeback

today one of the old ladies asked me if my sleeve tattoo is ever going to come off, lol

🧓🏻

was just thinking the ghost might have left my washing machine but now it's doing unauthorised beeping so I guess it heard.

there should be a way of legally making your friends into family. big ceremony, this person I love is now my sister, let's have a party and eat some cake. I think society could benefit from that.

Not rude things, a thread:

Remembering Julee Cruise, born this day in 1956 who collaborated so memorably with Angelo Badalamenti and David Lynch, including her single "Falling" in Twin Peaks.

starting God of War and I'm excited to be a big burley beefcake boy

babie gorl has chompers

hang out with ya fang out

me with the big viking poo. the number one celebrity of the poop world. if I could have got an autograph, I would

why did we stop at rocks and corn? have we tried popping other objects

I've recently learned a lot of people, when someone knocks on the door while they're using a public bathroom, feel compelled to say "OCCUPADO" even though they don't speak Spanish. And everyone agrees it's a reference to something. But no one knows what.

ladies that lunch

ladies that lunch

Old lady stretching class is going great. I've renamed it 'Bend and Snap'. One of the exercises is chucking a ball around while standing on one leg, and naming the counties of Ireland. They might be Irish but I've been doing my homework and now I'm absolutely smashing those nanas.

jeepers sheepers

I know my cat is not the shiniest toy in the box, but it was still a surprise to watch him bash his head trying to walk out of a window that's closed.

can a person live on flapjack alone? one woman does the science to find out!

crowds go wild as package arrives in perfectly cat sized box

I’m just a middle aged dirtbag, baby

'conventional wisdom says I should be dead' i chuckle to myself, plating up another monstrosity of a girl dinner 🤌

This could be us but you playin

GOD what i wouldn't give for a hot aloof wife to run my life. the more aloof the better, frankly

watching Wheel of Time again. if there's a million Nynaeve haters, I am one of them. if there's ten Nynaeve haters, I'm the president of the club. if there's no Nynaeve haters, I am dead

I hope my cats like Enya as much as I do

old people love being like "I've been desperately trying to reach you!" and it was literally one missed call three weeks ago

"too many people have main character syndrome" not me. i love being an npc. just idly standing around, watching the birds. oh you going on a quest? can you bring me back something

might be one of the funniest videos i’ve ever seen

"it's seasoning" she says to no one, sliding the oven tray back in.

The president's main priority:

this appeared to me in a dream

The thing that makes Star Trek utopian isn’t the end of scarcity or the harmony between all peoples it’s also that the guy on the ship who gets laid the most plays the trombone at work and periodically does community theater

saw some exquisite Henry Hoover fanart today.

Fiction is important because it’s just not safe to rawdog reality anymore

As a species it seems that because we’ve missed out on all previous super extinctions we’re determined to get a front row seat at the next one.

can't believe some people are out there raising real life human children when I struggle with the responsibility of owning a loaf of bread.

made a disappointing Yorkshire pudding and my ego is going to take a whiiile to recover

important public announcement:

don’t forget to cross your arms over your chest before you lower yourself back down into the bog for the night