Just "Winning Friends and Influencing People," like I am so wont to do.

I saw my soulmate drive by me in a car today. I know that we could never be together in this lifetime, Armando, but in another life, when we are the same species, find me, my love.

I saw my soulmate drive by me in a car today. I know that we could never be together in this lifetime, Armando, but in another life, when we are the same species, find me, my love.

The reality is that in we exist in cosmic time with lifetimes so brief they aren’t so much an infinitesimal, minuscule speck but essentially never even happened. But pretend with me like any of this matters.

For a long time i thought the saying was "existence is futile" and honestly that still makes more sense to me

I wanna go on Wheel of Fortune just to shout "No whammy, no whammy. Big money...big money. Annnnd STOP! I said STOP!! Why won't it stop?!" and be kicked off

Let me explain football: U need to get ball as far to other side as you can. But other guys wanna stop you! And there's a guy called a quarterback, & somehow he's the most important guy to throw the ball (?) And sometimes something special happens & they get to kick the ball into this giant fork.

Something about a bad bunny? No bunnies are bad! It's an innocent little animal you fucking monsters!

I have a weird speech dyslexia where I switch the first 1st of two words or compound words. Like I asked my parents what they were watching on TV and my stepdad said "our Swedish weirdos" My mouth echoed "Weedish sweardos" Another example: One time instead of "basketball" I said "basketball."

Let me explain football: U need to get ball as far to other side as you can. But other guys wanna stop you! And there's a guy called a quarterback, & somehow he's the most important guy to throw the ball (?) And sometimes something special happens & they get to kick the ball into this giant fork.

Cop: have you been drinking? Me: had about 23 Michelob Ultras Cop: alright, so no

Why is it always “what’s up” and not “how are you coping with the terrors of sentient existence today?”

Overheard in public (unclear to whom they were addressing. Possibly me): —"Can you pay attention when I'm talking to you?" —"Have you heard a word I've said?" It's 3 a.m. You want better jokes? Well you can find them, there are some fantastic joke writers on Bluesky. I can recommend several.

*knock knock* Who's there? "I'm so sorry... Your kitten ran into the street and I wasn't able to stop the car in time. Oh god. Please don't cry, sir."

I have a weird speech dyslexia where I switch the first 1st of two words or compound words. Like I asked my parents what they were watching on TV and my stepdad said "our Swedish weirdos" My mouth echoed "Weedish sweardos" Another example: One time instead of "basketball" I said "basketball."

Overheard in public (unclear to whom they were addressing. Possibly me): —"Can you pay attention when I'm talking to you?" —"Have you heard a word I've said?" It's 3 a.m. You want better jokes? Well you can find them, there are some fantastic joke writers on Bluesky. I can recommend several.

Taking a Stand: podium theft

Fun Tip: Clitoris

Life Hack: Machete

People who have wondered about my 5-year-plans were always severely overestimating my general desire to live

Overheard: "Can you please pay attention when I'm talking to you?"

Overheard: "Can you please pay attention when I'm talking to you?"

My mom was like "why the fuck is there a taxidermy bird in your office?" (but in Portuguese) which I knew was gonna happen. Was like: "That's Jerry and he can hear you. He's my boyfriend, mom! In California we are legally married." She does not think I'm amusing at all which cracks me up even more.

Beat-off Bobby Gay (A joke for people who watch food tv. The world is ending and my mom is watching food tv...)

A local woman survived 4 gunshots and people on Facebook are writing stuff like "Thank the Lord." I only made ONE comment "And also, you know, luck and medical science" and not more cuz I don't want be made mayor forever *too* fast

I don't like it at when people call people who kill themselves "selfish." It's the 7th leading cause of death. Most people wanna stay live forever so badly they delude themselves with religion, and some want out so desperately they remove themselves. To call them "selfish"'on top of it is just mean

Heads up: it’s wet and slippery out there…and the roads aren’t so hot either hiyooooo the world’s on fire love your neighbor but don’t take any shit

Watching Golden Globes just to get angry. Announcer literally said "Timothee Chalamet (that long fetus guy- my note) thanked his girlfriend Kylie Jenner when he won a (don't remember what- my note) will he today?" And there are "Polymarket" gambling odds on bottom of screen LOL I want to die.

“Hurt a fly”? Why would you waste your time hurting a fly you fucking psychopath, just kill it. Have some mercy for fucksake.

Note to self: when someone says "you're one of my favorite people to hang out with" do not say, "I'm also one of my favorite people to hang out with," because although true and very funny to me (& probably other autistic people) most people don't seem as amused by it as I think they should be 🤷‍♀️

I scream, you scream, we all scream f̶o̶r̶ ̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶c̶r̶e̶a̶m̶ from the terror of lifetimes so brief they aren’t just an infinitesimal speck in cosmic time but effectively never even happened. Oh and happy Wednesday you guys!

I don't like it when people post inane questions just to get engagement points, do you feel the same about it too?

I’m kinda shy at first but get to know me and you’ll be surprised to find that I’m also quite unpleasant, and sometimes just a straight-up asshole.

Dead baby jokes will never get old. Haha get it?? Cuz dead babies will never age HAHAHA hold me

Awww look at us all. Telling our little jokes while everything that even resembled human freedom or autonomy is erased

Why is it always “what’s up” and not “how are you coping with the terrors of sentient existence today?”

Fucking Kevin left me alone to blow someone's brains out yet a-fucking-again. I'm so done with that dude.

The world is falling apart around us but you know something amazing? You can take in living beings with no malice in their little hearts who will love you like you are the greatest thing to ever exist in the whole universe.

who called it wind chill instead of holy fucking shit what the fuck

🎶Sometimes you wanna go, Where everybody knows your name. And they're always glad you came 🎶 -Lonely males to the cam girls who knows their credit card numbers by heart

For people who are deeply terrified of death like I used to be, (and children who are very fearful), fine, you're gonna live in the sky in a state of bliss for all fucking eternity. But everyone else can grow the fuck up.

I bullied my stepdad into doing this 😆. He was like "No! I won't." I was like "YOU DO IT"

Fucking Kevin left me alone to blow someone's brains out yet a-fucking-again. I'm so done with that dude.

Religion is the only realm of society where you’re excused for being wildly delusional. Jews: Jesus is boiling in excrement for eternity. Christians: Lady who never had sex gave birth to God’s son, who is also God himself, & a ghost too. Muslims: Draw Muhammad and you gotta die.

Oh, you think *I’m* gross?? I’m not the one shooting period blood from my dick-hole for “sport” thankyouverymuch.

I think these were my first words when I was born

Video message from Federal Reserve Chair Jerome H. Powell: www.youtube.com/watch?v=KckG... www.federalreserve.gov/newsevents/s...