oh snap valentine’s day was almost on friday the 13th

Had a nightmare, thought of you

Sometimes I think how I didn't give up. I did it for me.

I'm such an introvert (awkwardly initiates conversation because I'm also a massive stereotype which maybe makes you self-reflect and realize people are truly exhausting even though you crave social interaction, how ironic), okay don't read anything inside parentheses goodbye forever.

The cruel reality of parasocial relationships is simple. You don't know if the reason they're not responding is because they're ignoring you or because they died a tragic accident at the Pez™ dispenser factory. We are always seeing ghosts.

Compartmentalizing myself for mental health makes me the emotional equivalent of fucking Wal-Mart

Empathy is just when you can feel other people's emotions. It certainly doesn't mean you don't feel your own still. What I'm saying is simple. I know what you're going through, I know it sucks, and I hope someone listens to you like I used to.

11:11 make a bad decision

i cannot stop thinking about this interaction

I contain multitudes and they're unionizing, so now my therapist has to go to therapy.

I cannot attend the function I am *sounds of something being devoured violently in the woods*

They make goth coke now

Quicksand is just regular sand that finishes in 30 seconds then falls asleep without satisfying its partner.

astrology is cool cuz i can tell someone my sign(s) and then they say some vague shit like how it does or does not make sense and then i say "okay" and then i never learn what they mean by that

not all babies are pacifists. some are pacifopenhands

Idk pikachu is kinda serving mommy issues

Trying to write a skeet about how nothing matters, but what’s the point?

I wish you healing (derogatory)

The posts are coming from inside the asylum

Gonna frame some blood splatters and sell it to an art museum. The picture will be named Anger Management.

Karma is the best revenge, namaste.

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

mfer forgot the word humidifier and asked if the air wetter was on

You give me a corner piece of cake and then wonder where my clothes went?

You're the D in duh.

If it weren't for generations of talented witches, catching a glimpse of the future in a bowl of water would be impossible. Let me put that more succinctly. No woman, no scry.

my favorite thing about valentine’s day is masturbating while eating chocolate

If someone was accused of having sex w goats by over 30 people & regularly denied it but also dropped very public hints about how much he liked to fuck goats for decades, ran a goat pageant to find the best looking goats, was best friends w someone convicted of fucking goats & trafficking goats… 🧵

In the universe of clothing, we are all just shoes for a toddler who can't tie a knot. We stick together like Velcro, is what I'm saying.

When someone says "you won the Internet today," it's kind of an insult. Have you ever been ON the Internet? It's a conspiracy to make us all surfers, and buddy I'm scared of water.

It's bad enough that so many people are born stupid, but it's even worse that so many people seem to keep practicing so hard at it

people on the internet are very very dumb

Not one to grease the cruel wheels of capitalism, I am instead going to withdraw my flageolet from my vest pocket and play every Michael McDonald song to my wife this Valentine’s Day

For far too long my nipples have been incorrect. Very cool

Possession is 9⁄10 of the law. The GHOST law

matchbox 20: she thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway friend: dude i'm sorry but your gf is literally the most boring person i've ever met

ZZ Top in the streets, ZZZZ Top in the sheets.

I can only chant 'water off a ducks back' so many times before it's 'blood off a ducks back'

Everything old is new again, especially the growing sense of dread you can't escape from.

If I die of a papercut infection, I just want all to know I fought courageously against paper

THIS COLD DARK RECTANGLE OF SAD AND GLASS IS NOT GIVING ME THE SUPPORT AND COMFORT I REQUIRE.

i can post worse if you give me a chance

They banned my shadow over on bluesky dot com and now I can't tell my time from the sun.

My continued existence is maintained under duress.

look i'm no olympian but one time a random guy on the internet offered to give me one of his teeth, which is not nothin

Don't Speak is one of my favorite No Doubt songs, and my way of communicating without doing anything.

Based on a true story? So anything

Darling, I'm in meh with you

cthulhu wouldn't put up with this shit

my son turned 19 today which is so weird because 2007 was only like ten years ago