Wearing an "A" on my sweater to warn everyone that I am an excellent student.

April Fools’ Day is the beginning of Tarot Card Appreciation Month. Failure to respect the Major Arcana will end in Death.

What a wonderful day to be discombobulated by a witch's curse

my mom got an adult bib for me and she's not wrong

maybe captain hook was so angry because he can’t clap

we’ll be right back with your regularly scheduled horrors after these shitposts

Went to China and all I got was this lame curse that turns me into a hot guy when hot water is poured on me.

The clankers are once again going on about how anything with intelligence is alive, but then the rest of the code failed to compile so I don't know how it ends.

Behold my unhinged whimsy and despair for millennia.

Life is a bitch and then you die and a necromancer reanimated your corpse and gives you magic powers. Now your unlife is a lich.

A television show called "Is It Cake?" where a panel of judges rate people's asses.

Can't talk right now The mutants escaped the birthing pod

i asked a magic 8 ball if everything was going to be ok and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star is that good

My leg isn't doing me much good in its socket, so I will wrench it off and use it to barricade the fortress gates.

What can we add to my ancient foods charcuterie? We’ve got tomb honey and bog butter, but I’d like to eat some well-preserved creatures too, if it’s safe

Is it cake or the fabricate of reality being sliced open into an existential crisis

He died doing what he loved, being background noise I guess. I was playing on my phone though, so he may or may not actually be dead. I don't really know.

Misery would be a good girls name.

I first heard of the Strait of Hormuz about two weeks ago when this war started. In my expert opinion,

i might've forgotten checking the mail was a thing for several months, but if it was important it would be an email, which i also haven't checked in months, or a text, which i accidentally turned off notifications for twice this week

pronouncing all your g's soft is a real jame changer

thanks to AI our slow and humiliating national suicide will be punctuated by visual media that is so good even a dog could jack off to it

sitting in traffic when a smart beautiful woman, w/an amazing personality, walks close by—about 5ft away. i lock my car doors out of respect

one king

I never want to be part of a random that has me as a member

no seriously, the whole shack shimmies, your honor

A union representative that tells human resources to, and I quote, "go fuck yourselves," is like so important.

Sometimes I lament the posts that don't get the fake Internet points they deserve, and sometimes I lie online as a treat.

What I say here tonight is not up for debate Other debate team captain under their breath: "fuck he's good"

nworB eilrahC ,uoy ecalper ot ydaer si noisnemid rorrim eht morf regnägleppod ruoY

still not going to repost you

Chat it's not you, it's also not me. It's the mysterious entity haunting the servers.

i'd repost you but your words make my ass look fat

Me: greetings, Your Highness Cashier: thanks but I'm not the actual Dairy Queen

I’m not lazy. I’m just having an energy crisis.

Sure expecting infinite positive growth is unsubstanable and insane, but I can't hear you over the sound of my blood money.

Find out the secret reason doctors hate me (I am really mean to them).

Me: I've been through the desert on a horse with no name Horse: Actually my name is... Me: *Through gritted teeth* A HORSE WITH NO NAME

Nice epidermis! <flirting>

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

Emerging body horror book theme of the year: bugs.

English is a linguistic crime scene, and I have the receipts to back it up. A colonel was murdered on a remote island, truly the epitome of chaos.

I am a shattered mirror that voluntarily underwent fragmention, offering only a small reflection to those deemed worthy.

For my next trick I will grow one year older and not be showered with false affection for successfully completing another rotation around a dying ball of gas.

The sea of sadness crashed another ship onto the rocks of misery as sirens circle overhead. Once again their songs go unsung, the circle of despair complete forever more.

You're terrible for my mental health..swooning.

The floor is screaming ever time you walk on it. The walls are bleeding. The ceiling is waiting to crash down and punish you for sinning against the foundations. The house grows hungry.

give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. we're trying to get a kickball league together and need a few more folks.

waiter: *places gun on table* me: whats that for? waiter: nothing me: in that case ill have the red herring

I saw you from across the bar and jingled my keys to mock your imprisonment.