Mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes Class: [frantically flipping through zoology textbooks]

I'M GOING FERAL FOR COCOA PUFFS

It was the evening after And all through the house We were back to being morose And listening to Bauhaus

person: *screaming* me: thats a good point

I am the faint sound you hear when you're alone. You know that there isn't anyone else around, but a feeling nags at you in the back of your mind. The chill creeps down your back as I come out of the kitchen with a cup of cherry cola for you. ~Me, flirting

x-rated modems tell baudy jokes

ok next year we’re defeating christmas

I make really good paper airplanes ~me, flirting

getting my hands all over your forbidden treasures

My New Year's resolution is to be appreciated, but we can't always get what we want.

I'll stop the world and melt with you plays in the background as my doomsday device goes off. Time is frozen forever, yet the temperature rises anyhow. The future is open wide.

The Queen of Hearts lost a coin flip once because she picked tails and it landed on heads. So she had the winner beheaded.

friend: i didn't know you used to be a professional board game player me: it's true, i have a checkered past

ASMR of a girl whispering the script of Scary Movie 4 will fix me

That looks like a problem for someone else.

ME: i just want to feel safe OTHER BANK ROBBER: no you also have to open it

What a wonderful night to do unspeakable acts with ancient runes

Whoever has my voodoo doll, could you make it laugh?

Die Hard was actually appropriated from pagans

Hit the ground running today. Tripped on a curb.

I grew up in the 80s so I think I know a thing or two about saying no to drugs

rifling thru cabinets looking for spices im thyme traveling , is what im saying . folks,,,

Don't disturb the Christmas wasps, their hive doing double duty as a tree topper.

i sold my antipsychotic meds to buy my ai girlfriend a new model upgrade for christmas. but then i found out she sold her data center to buy me a gun

Wait! What's wrong with your eyes? Oh that, we had some radioactive shrimp.

My kid: dad, I heard Santa last night! Me: oh really?? My kid: yeah! but it actually sounded like he fell down the chimney... It was pretty loud Me [tumbled down the stairs after my 8th eggnog]: yeah buddy, Santa can be kind of clumsy

I got my wife the grandmother from Dandadan, she proceeded to grab my bootleg pvc dead Yamcha and do this

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty? Me: Nice try, Santa.

my mom: [clearing her throat at the dinner table] i don’t know what sixty-seven means

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Soylent Green.

They said I could be anything when I grow up so now I'm a menace.

How the Grinch Stole Valor

Don't throw the baby out with the figgy pudding

KNOW YOUR SANTAS Christmas Santa: presents Charisma Santa: presence Charming Santa: pleasants Medieval Santa: peasants Hunter Santa: pheasants Roll Call Santa: present

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

ADAM: it’s christmas eve EVE: what’s christmas

Bro, you're not even casting an ominous cloud of despair over the festivities, are you okay?

Thinking about posting something like "this is my final post", and then five years later leaving a reply that says haha just kidding.

me: thank you them: no, thank you me: (right in their face) no no, thank you and do not test me on this

The only DM that fooled me was a fake account of my state's governor who opened with, "Shawty what that thang do" and of course I accepted it because I am active in politics

LITTLE LAMB: do you hear what i hear SHEPHERD BOY: holy shit a talking lamb

Him: You have the most beautiful eyes! Me: Thank you, I use them for crying.

(watching the movie elf with the toddlers) me: did you know that actor is andy richter and one time he liked my skeet about costco kids: oh wow, did he repost you?? me: *lowers head* no… just a like

ME: have you seen my camouflage pants WIFE: no ME: damn they’re good

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

Kids are so dumb. "I want a pony for Christmas!" What are you talking about? Do you even understand the logistics involved? How would Santa get a pony down the chimney? Grow up

Reporter: our story about the huge sewage spill in the middle of the city is ready to go Bari Weiss: no, wait. I want to interview the sewage first

Honestly same, Mr. Google weather notification

Feelings are sand in an hourglass, each one counting down to oblivion. Sentimental sediment, imprisoned forever in time. So sorry, it's over.

"What a wonderful day to sacrifice myself on the altar of Beezlebub, lord of the flies" I whisper to myself, after realizing I forgot to use insect repellent.