if you can't tell who's the best shitposter in your friend group it's probably you (you fucking narcissist)

People think they understand me only to realize they only leveled up their knowledge rune to level 1 Out of ten million or some other absurd number

•reading my notes at the rap battle• it’s all good in the hood, young blood

Respect authority? Buddy, I don't even respect myself.

They're called boo-bies because they're scary, so don't show me your breasts, ladies. I just learned what reverse psychology was by the way.

We are finally getting away from woke science and embracing a health care system based on spells and omens

an important part of adulthood is coming to the realization that you can have shrimp cocktail literally any time you want

You know what’s nice? A breeze. I’d drown a man in a bog if I thought it would get me a good gust of air. You can buy fans, of course, but it’s not the same as when mother nature blows up your skirt.

If I were a waiter and accidentally dropped someone’s pasta dish, and they started crying, I would simply tell them they don’t have to be upsetti spaghetti.

now that women have ruined the workplace we should just get rid of it

Why are we here? Just to suffer and answer rhetorical questions? Yes, obviously. This was all in the terms of service agreement you agreed to before your birth. Maybe you'd be fine if you read the fine print.

A death rattle is probably the worst thing to get for a newborn, besides a gun I guess

[cocking gun] you've pika'ed your last chu, friend

Never get a liver transplant from a dead person because they aren't a liver

If you see this then congratulations, you have eyes capable of sight.

Inventing sandpaper condoms, just to feel something

my baby is feral. her sister calls her a “rascally rat.” she’s like 10th percentile in height and weight and 90th in head circumference. she never stops eating. she chipped two of her four teeth and that’s only enhancing her whole vibe. she knows three words: eat, more, again! I love her so much

My APR cares more about me than I ever give it credit for. It's very interested in me never being a loan.

Las Vegas should have a sports team names the Houses because they'd always win.

I don't flirt. Ever since my brother died in the great Flirting War of 2013.

Small businesses Wal-Martyred themselves to the market so prices can roll, just like the heads of the CEOs.

Somewhere there's a dude who loves hot dogs a lot, but one day his doctor tells him he is deathly allergic to them. I'd be there to add some levity to the situation by saying this is the wurst thing that ever happened. We'll all laugh as he stabs me in the chest 570 times.

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

don't worry folks, the earth is backed up in the clouds somewhere

COKE: is pepsi okay DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Stop telling me not to be A Negative person, it’s literally in my blood

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

not many know this but "christmas" means "more christ" in spanish

[doing an icebreaker] an interesting thing about me is that i am .4 seconds away from sprinting out of this room

*grabs you by the lapel* wtf is a lapel????

you've got a screw loose, i'm spiralling out. we are not the sane.

You’re my most dreaded notification

If you need me, don't

bro this little light of mine I’m gonna let it shine bro

I’m not a huge fan of pokémon or anything but yeah I would eat a pikachu

❌ you must be fun at parties ✅ you are insufferable right here and now

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

I don't want to "update my skincare routine", I want to drag wayward sailors beneath the waves

me: *hits the sack* the sack: ow

What is a meta for? A metaphor is a reflection screaming back at you from the safety of it's glass prison, desperately waiting to escape.

Happiness is a nuclear bomb ripping through the neighborhood, obliterating everything we once knew with extreme prejudice.

It turns out Superego, the caped crusader who uses psychoanalysis to defeat his foes, doesn't have a legal id and was born in a foreign country.

you jerk off. i nice guy off. we are not the same.

This sets a dangerous legal precedent that I intend to profit from, as the inventor of the knifewich

ICE vs sandwich guy is so funny I hate it. I cant even write a joke about it. Oh ICE agent hit by sandwich and left for bread? Dont be ridiculous this is stupid

I've always worshipped you from afar. Why won't you let me worship from anear?

Hello panda garden. I'd LOVE to visit your garden of pandas! Oh....I see. You're a restaurant. Then I'd like to order one panda, medium rare

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.