Surrounded by children of the corn nuts.

I'm not into numerology, but the fact that America hasn't had a president that was both white and non-senile in 17 years must mean something. It means you can make anything up with statistics if you want to.

Everything is a conspiracy, including what me and the elder gods have been plotting to ruin your day. Yes, you specifically.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but *revs up chainsaw*

ME: why does the “p” in “up” point down and the “d” in “down” point up lol ANGEL (to Devil): he’s onto us

If you wanted to get revenge on someone in 1837, you poured sugar in his horse's ass

"You ain't never had a friend like me" Genie sings to Aladdin as his lamp disintegrates, and his blue vestige slowly fades away from reality.

Friends don't let other friends sacrifice them to appease the demon king of the shadows so he doesn't destroy the fabric of reality.

the one place i find common ground with fundamentalist christians is that we're both praying that all the fundamentalist christians disappear from the planet tomorrow

A tree in hell, forever burning, endlessly bleeding eternal resin.

Not me. I hope the email didn’t find you at all. In fact, I hope you’re living your best life.

MODS ARE ASLEEP (PROBABLY), TIME TO SACRIFICE VIRGINS TO AN ANCIENT VENGEFUL GOD AND UH-OH I'M DEAD NOW JUST KIDDING HAHAHA

Connection is like a satellite network when the sky is cloudy. Sure, it can be spotty, but those one or two times it works make up for the ninety-eight other times the communication is completely cut off. We’re just, like, so lucky when we can network together for those several hours every year.

The Hulk is a comic series that dares to ask the impossible: what if the military industrial complex were capable of evil?

Drunk me is like sober me but with a snort-cackle laugh instead of something cute

So You've Been Assassinated In Utah For Not Kicking The Football, Charlie Brown

Iron Man is the story of how it is totally cool to get rich selling weapons so long as you use your blood money to create a narrative that you can wear.

The Dallas Cowboys being America’s Team™️ makes a lot of sense since neither has been impressive since the ’90s, and everyone pretends otherwise.

I’m unforgettable, like a passionate kiss followed by maniacal laughter or a picture made from the entrails of all those poor, unfortunate orphans who died in a tragic accident unrelated to the first thing. Maybe. Probably.

Mystery Machine? Big deal. I know what fucken van looks like. Mystery solved, fucko.

Turn that frown upside down and conquer the planet

maybe he’s cake remember when everything was cake? has anyone checked maybe the whole regime is cake

“Trix are so dangerous we won’t even give them to rabbits!”

These nonstop LEGO ads are really starting to break me down… brick by brick.

Hello, 911? I’m bored.

Sorry I couldn't buy you a birthday present, I'm still paying 27% APR on the Whooper I financed in 2023.

Dyslxeia is stpuid, just read words rihgt idoit brian

If they don’t want to eat pumpkin cheesecake off your ass, do they really even love you?

Not liking and reposting me is political violence

🎵 He was a truck, she was a robot, can I make it anymore Optimus 🎵

If you try to shoot me, I'll simply Matrix dodge it and then karate kick your stupid face.

Follower: How would you like to be remembered? Heinous Hate-speech-spewing Right-wing Lying Podcaster: For my faith

If an orderly causes a scene at the hospital, they can get arrested for disorderly conduct.

shouting IM GONNA CRIT in bed

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

it’s unconstitutional to not like me

brain, brain, go away overthink some other day

What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper? A BATTLE ZEBRA YOU FOOL, MY DEADLY STEED HAS KILLED AGAIN ON THE BATTLEFIELD!

Our new movement offers bold, popular ideas from across the political spectrum, except one part

Thoughts and prayers and sword wielding bears.

they tried to make a sequel to fight club but you know the rules

Sorry for everything I’ve ever said and that I can’t stop talking.

YOU: (young, foolish) the floor is lava! ME: (mature, has a thesaurus) the substratum is magma

Pretty grody I’m working all these double shifts during the ragnarok.

i just noticed that on the inside of the waistline of my jeans there is a little note that reads "TODAY IS YOUR DAY" and i'm wondering if anyone with these jeans ever first noticed that after shitting their pants.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.