Any time I don’t know the answer to a question, I say “the surgeon was the boy’s mother” just in case

Las Vegas should have a sports team named the Houses because they'd always win.

If you’re learning to dance and eating garlic at the same time, you’ll probably get heartburn. So in a way, your stomach is getting salsa lessons too.

Radio ad: Tired of hearing scary radio ads about the IRS... Me: You had me at "tired of hearing radio ads." *turns off radio*

i have a stained glass window, you have bird poop on a windshield. we are not the pane.

how many jokes do i need to post before the world is fixed

ME: hey babe do you want to um (forgets the word sleep) temporary death with me DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes

Spraying Off! on your friend Jackson is a good idea if you don’t want him to get bitten by mosquitoes while you’re helping him masturbate.

“I miss laughing,” said Piglet “Stick it up your whole ass,” said Tigger

I’m not a fuckboy. I’m a flirtation sensation.

ME: i have teen-like reflexes FRIEND: don't you mean cat-like ME: FRIEND: ME: FRIEND: ME: *removes one earbud* what

Accidentally texted "Olay" instead of "Okay" and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

"Funfetti!" I whisper as I reach into my bag of mysterious bloody organs and throw them in the air.

Toes ranked: 1. Pota 2. Mistle 3. Tic-Tac

The overnight process failed and we will need to apply the self loathing manually today.

*claiming asylum at the candy store*

Republicans are the woodchipper, which is bad, but Democrats are the guy feeding the American public into the woodchipper, which, believe it or not, is just as bad

A cave dweller discovered fire and because of that I have to perform tasks in exchange for colorful paper so my stomach is full.

Our government right now is basically just a bunch of hamburglars getting pardoned by ronald mcdonald while grimace dances in the background

If you don't have a friend group, you'll always be the best shitposter

the horrible truth is that no one will ever love you the way that I love popping bubble wrap

You don’t suffer fools gladly? But sir, may I point out that you’re on social media voluntarily?

Words are inventions so spare them your wrath. Rage against the dictionary, and let the alphabet learn its place.

You could survive so many horror movies by simply saying "no thank you"

if you can't tell who's the best shitposter in your friend group it's probably you (you fucking narcissist)

People think they understand me only to realize they only leveled up their knowledge rune to level 1 Out of ten million or some other absurd number

•reading my notes at the rap battle• it’s all good in the hood, young blood

Respect authority? Buddy, I don't even respect myself.

They're called boo-bies because they're scary, so don't show me your breasts, ladies. I just learned what reverse psychology was by the way.

We are finally getting away from woke science and embracing a health care system based on spells and omens

an important part of adulthood is coming to the realization that you can have shrimp cocktail literally any time you want

You know what’s nice? A breeze. I’d drown a man in a bog if I thought it would get me a good gust of air. You can buy fans, of course, but it’s not the same as when mother nature blows up your skirt.

If I were a waiter and accidentally dropped someone’s pasta dish, and they started crying, I would simply tell them they don’t have to be upsetti spaghetti.

now that women have ruined the workplace we should just get rid of it

Why are we here? Just to suffer and answer rhetorical questions? Yes, obviously. This was all in the terms of service agreement you agreed to before your birth. Maybe you'd be fine if you read the fine print.

A death rattle is probably the worst thing to get for a newborn, besides a gun I guess

Never get a liver transplant from a dead person because they aren't a liver

If you see this then congratulations, you have eyes capable of sight.

my baby is feral. her sister calls her a “rascally rat.” she’s like 10th percentile in height and weight and 90th in head circumference. she never stops eating. she chipped two of her four teeth and that’s only enhancing her whole vibe. she knows three words: eat, more, again! I love her so much

My APR cares more about me than I ever give it credit for. It's very interested in me never being a loan.

I don't flirt. Ever since my brother died in the great Flirting War of 2013.

Small businesses Wal-Martyred themselves to the market so prices can roll, just like the heads of the CEOs.

Somewhere there's a dude who loves hot dogs a lot, but one day his doctor tells him he is deathly allergic to them. I'd be there to add some levity to the situation by saying this is the wurst thing that ever happened. We'll all laugh as he stabs me in the chest 570 times.

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

don't worry folks, the earth is backed up in the clouds somewhere

COKE: is pepsi okay DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Stop telling me not to be A Negative person, it’s literally in my blood