How do we even know the stuffing isn’t Stove Bottom? (This is a seasonal post.)

Everything okay, babe? That minute rice took you almost five to make

I’m ded. Also, is everything okay babe, I know you haven’t seen your 6 y/o in 30 minutes and I’m worried you might die.

Is everything okay, babe? You've barely butchered one pig today.

Is everything okay, babe? You've only communicated with me today on 16 of the 18 platforms on which we're connected.

I'd marry my showerhead because...y'all know.

Thinking about giving Harold in 4C some yeast to help him RISE, wink wink

I'd marry my Instagram feed because I can open it up with one finger and it makes me feel inferior for the next 20 minutes.

I think the Air Force is the most badass of the branches of the military because their acronym is USAF. "United States As Fuck" is pretty hardcore.

I'd marry my coffee bean grinder b/c it has a stop function, smells good, and, well, obviously, it GRINDS. 🫦

I’d marry my bed because it’s a queen, it’s soft but supportive, and I think about being inside it all day long

The short ones are just bropinions, but the long winded ones write manthologies.

I'd marry my dishwasher b/c it's steamy, holds a big load, and has a "quiet" setting.

L'eggo my Em-ggo!

Going to start calling my reply guys Manswerers.

When I phone banked & went door knocking for the marriage equality bill in 2013 people would actually say they were against it bc “What’s next? Marrying your toaster?” And like, I wish, bc that thing is hot, useful, I can always turn it on.

I like big butts and I cannot lie... Because I like huge butts.

Going to start calling my reply guys First Respondsirs.

Every generation gets the neurotoxin it deserves

Or a stroke

In the bathroom of the downtown Indy Steak n Shake after auditioning for “The Weakest Link” in 2001.

I want a passenger prince named Edward to attend to my every need while I’m driving. I’ll call him Driver’s Ed for short.

I can’t look away. I get it guys, I get it now

No shave November is going great

I did 4 socials this week. Please clap

Raccoons are showing early signs of domestication. Urban raccoons are evolving a short snout, a telltale feature of pets & other domesticated animals, but scientists believe this is just a ploy to get closer to our trash. This is Roy. We feed him but aren't falling for his bullshit act.

What our small-town zoo lacks compared to big city zoos, we more than make up for with the mecha-chickens and Wall of Fur.

Back to the drawing board on the "live animal merry-go-round."

Sorry we tried to make a crocodile mate with an alligator. It was dark out.

If you're currently sitting at the Big Bad Wolf slot machine, surveillance thinks your lower back butterfly tattoo might be infected.

one kinda cool thing about me is that i’m not in the epstein files

Your comment made me feel uncomfortable ~ a memoir

Me, to my suitor who works in the cannabis industry: I just need more from you. Him: I know baby, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy. I need to be more attentive, & I'm going to be. I think about you all the time. I'm crazy about you. Me: No. I need more *gummies.* Thanks. @bbkittyfck.bsky.social

Live, laugh, lick a poison frog

Gabrielle, take your meds girl

I’m fine.

I got lectured by my dad as a kid. Like, for hours. But I'll never forget the time he stood at the top of the stairs in whitey tighties, one ball sack hanging out, lecturing me. Kinda hard to take it seriously with a nut hanging out. 🩲

I am dying.

🎶every jizz begins with jaaaaayyy🎶

Thirsty Thursday #NoFilter

Thirsty Thursday #NoFilter lol lmao rotfl lmbo hahaha jkjkjk tee hee rotflmao

Someone needs to take your phone away.

okay sure why not #thirstythursday

send her a little rain 🌧️🩶

Let them eat crow

Kinda sweet how pets wanna eat their puke, like, “yeah I made a mess, but Ima kinda clean it up too.”

*repeatedly yells "representative" into the abyss