I like that my boss tries to be supportive and says things like, “it’s not like we’re saving lives here.” The only thing a little unsettling about that is that we work in the ER.

This post is about me

I can’t help but notice that everyone telling me I don’t need to be in a relationship is…in a relationship.

there are so many hot dogs at this hot guy eating convention

There are so many hot guys in this fertility clinic

There are so many hot guys at this Hackathon

There are so many hot guys at this hot dog eating competition

There are so many hot guys at this chili cook off

There are so many hot guys at this Five Guys. Five to be exact.

There are so many hot guys in this Hardee's ballpit.

There are so many hot guys at this speakeasy

There are so many hot guys at this scrapyard

There are so many hot guys at this open mic night

Reverse cow, because I’m feeling bloated

I collect vintage vampire fangs. Love these orange ones.

Yay!

You know perfectly well where it is. Waitressing

Question: What’s my fucking age again?

Question: Where in the everloving fuck is the beef?

Question: How can you mend, a broken heart?

Question: what the hell does love have to do with it?

Question: how do you solve a problem like Maria?

Question: who the fuck let the dogs out?

You know how people say, “I can’t wait to get old and just say whatever I want! Old people have no filter!” Here’s a tip: you don’t have to wait. Start that shit now.

If you think you’re too good to eat ass you’re above the rim.

I feel this. I feel dragged in so many directions that it's been absolutely awful to navigate the day to day intact. You're an awesome person who I absolutely think the world of. You checked in once and I always remember that. Lots and lots of love from me.

If I wake up in the morning and delete my posts, we all agree they never really existed, right??

CONTRIBUTING TO THE DELINQUENCY OF A DUMDUM

Hello, 911? I haven’t talked to my friend @anna-molly.bsky.social in like the most hours ever since we met and now she can’t sustain a convo with me bc she had too many beers* *more than one

"Is it num-nums, baby girl? Does it make you happy in your tum-tum?" -me sharing a 10 year-old cheddar with my cat

Croc pot turkey with jibbitz gravy

Fuck me

At least there’s still witty banter in my life

At the Riyadh comedy festival, the only thing more prestigious than being a headliner is being a beheadliner.

Post something random or have an awful October

Sometimes things are so heavy & sad and you feel loss & pain so deeply & you maybe miss someone so much that you can’t sleep & when that happens you buy Masters of the Universe action figures of Skeletor fighting He-Man and do you feel better? No. But will you have cool new toys? Yes. Yes you will.

My million dollar idea is door-to-door selling No Soliciting signs.

Lewd Where's My Car 🏆👑 Congratulations @emceekayvee.bsky.social from @runswindows95.bsky.social

Okay, sure “distracted driving” but this vagina isn’t gonna finger itself.

Today a dudebro asked me out and then asked if I was “crushing my day” and it honestly made me want to key his car.

I can’t believe how numb I feel. It’s scary bc I’ve never felt like this before, I’m a person who feels so much. Btwn my personal life and the political climate rn I just give up. Be prepared for the most unhinged posting ever. Get ready for anything, get ready for boobs. I truly DGAF anymore.

Three things I like to reduce are chicken stock, tax liability, and the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles

Some of my exes I love and some (2) I hate, but one thing is standard: they all prob still jerk it to my boobs. And you know what? I get it. They’re amazing and they’re real and they’re unforgettable. Have fun boys!

Soooo just checking in to let y’all know that the GDDP is going great (Getting Dumped Diet Plan.) 10lbs down in a week, and sure most of it’s prob water weight (tears) but whatevs!

finished a big bio exam today and so i have rewarded myself with ordering $330 worth of stuff from ulta and sephora

“i’m so stressed about money,” i cry to myself as i click the place order button