Please refrain from making eye contact with our Bird of Paradise. It’s mating season and he’s already insufferable.

To: All Staff Subject: The Rapture In honor of Tuesday's Rapture, we're letting all the animals out. If there is no Rapture, delete and scrub your emails.

It is with tremendous sadness we announce that Beatrice—thought to be the last turtle of her species, until Benedict was discovered and introduced into her habitat—told her would-be mate she “has a boyfriend.”

Don't be tempted by the discount rainbow roll at Redville Commissary.

Usually swans mate for life but ours just sat us down and broke the news: they are conscious uncoupling.

ATTENTION: Anyone caught dressing our marine creatures is permanently banned from the zoo. Also the aquatic petting zoo will reopen when we remove the tiny square pants from the sea sponge.

Redville Zoo has never painted with all the colors of the wind.

Do we spend your membership fees wisely? Look at the crested capuchins wearing their new Apple Watch Ultras and that should answer your question.

The employee who was dealing elephant tranquilizers has been fired. If you booked a party at the zoo, make sure to bring your own drugs from home.

All we said was that the alligator handler was probably killed by an alligator.

We would like to thank Larry the otter for running our pilates classes while Gavin was busy bedazzling the cougar exhibit.

For the record: Yes, we are the only zoo in the world whose gorillas are shaved like Zangief.

In the Australian desert, kangaroos lick their arms to stay cool. But when they lick someone else's arms, it's not so cool.

For $5 bucks a pop, the boa constrictor will crack your back.

RIP Desi the Praying Mantis, taken too soon. He died doing what he loved best.

At least we're allowed to set up within 500 yards of a school.

LOL people asking for receipts at Redville Zoo. Every cage has a trailer hitch, the office is an RV, the zoo director wears an ankle monitor and has to be home by 5, and their ticket window uses a Hotmail address.

No, the prairie dog was not performing Hamlet. He just really likes carrying around a skull.

We are pleased to report that the comically human shaped lump in the middle of Angus the Anaconda is actually just Gavin and not a tumor.

Big weekend at Redville Zoo. We heard the rats in their food truck had babies.

To: All Staff Subject: Alligator Moat We feel bad about the kids who fell into the alligator moat, but building a safety fence would have restricted the rights of all people to fall into the alligator moat.

We apologize for the commotion at our monkey enclosure. Intern Gavin's been removed and treated for chimposter syndrome.

Some of the complaints we've received are a little hippo critical, which is a shame because she's very sensitive.

Our interns are always “hardly working” and they’ve requested that everyone stop asking.

It's past Labor Day. Please stop wearing white near our chameleons.

Can a chimp on a motorbike jump over a pyramid of zebras? Thanks to a meddling Greeneville County zoo inspector, we may never know.

After Greeneville Zoo’s Sensitivity Training, even our honey badgers care.

Yes, that is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Someone stole his dress slacks.

Our Kimono Dragon may not be a real dragon, but he does have a stunning collection of dressing gowns.

It's that time of year again: Eat an entire raw pumpkin faster than our hippopotamus and win a lifetime membership to Greeneville Zoo!

To clarify, we do not have a Giant Screaming Hairy Armadillo exhibit. Customer Experience Manager Linda has run out of medication again.

You wouldn't assume the reptile house employees would need their own dedicated HR team. You'd be wrong.

We'd like to wish all our animals a happy Labor Day, except Gerald, our Giant Panda. He hasn't done a damn thing since he got here.

Whoever broke into the mongoose enclosure, gave them all tiny leather jackets and mohawks then changed the sign to “Sneerkats:” respect.

Unlike Redville Zoo, our employees aren't forced to wear ankle monitors.

Unlike Redville Zoo, our employees aren't working off court mandated community service hours.

The old zoo is dying; the new zoo struggles to be born. Please take a moment to fill out our visitor feedback survey.

To: @greeneville_zoo.staff Subject: Re: Brian the Day Owl We’re reviewing CCTV footage to find out which employee has been swapping Brian’s water for espresso.

Our Emperor Tamarin "Elliot" is aware he looks like Wilford Brimley and is so sick of hearing about it.

Lost Property Announcement: Any jewelry not claimed by next Friday will be distributed among the magpies, who are redecorating.

Redville Zoo is the only zoo in America where you enter through a clown's mouth.

The lawyers say a chimpanzee can't drive the Greeneville Zoo Monorail but he can. We saw him do it.

They say kangaroos can't move backward because of physiology. We're not sure. But our kangaroos refuse to go backward because they're progressive.

A lot of people are saying that Redville Zoo is the only zoo in America where you enter the cafeteria at your own risk.

Our storks recently did a zoo exchange program in Iceland. Now they won’t eat unless we call them Stjorks.

Unlike Daffy and Donald, Greeneville's ducks won't drop a dime on you.

WARNING: If one of the snakes says "take me in oh tender woman," keep walking.

Our chimpanzees are addicted to the Great British Baking Show like every other primate.

To: All Staff Subject: IMPORTANT REMINDER!!! NEVER lend animals your phone to order items online. Gavin just confiscated another anvil and six rockets from the coyote enclosure.

The chimps have elected a new leader. Sic transit gloria monkey.