“You guys want to commit a crime? Shoot me the details in an email.” -The Trump Administration

I hate a follow up email. “I hope this message finds you well. I’m writing it because I feel like I’m supposed to.”

Goon a movie “The Naked Goon”

Goon a movie "Top Goon"

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

Sometimes when my cats are fighting, I pretend it's over me.

if he’s got a bird in his hand he’ll put two in your bush, or whatever they say

The sky is doing stuff.

my boss said I am getting a raise and an SSRI

I just wanna be rich enough to build a house with a quicksand moat around it

At the risk of sounding like your dad: spend the extra money and buy the good snow brush for your car

I like visiting my ancestral home (dives head first into bog)

ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ why repost go then ᵈᵒʷⁿ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ

Please don’t ask me dumb questions. I am the dumb one here

Bold move approaching and speaking to a woman who is eating pasta out of her hand over the sink

"That was not in the form of a question" to everything said to me today. Whether in form or not.

feeling like

Chuck Schumer has a poster of Lucy pulling the football away at the last second while Charlie Brown misses again as inspiration for everything he does.

I'm gonna make it to the singularity still typing with only like 4 fingers

AI refusing to admit America is the dumbest country in the world is the best description of artificial I can imagine.

Tron is short for Tronald

Going to bed at 8:30 is a form of protest.

If tweets are "skeets" here, then a banger must be a "wanger" here It's science

"You'll meet someone eventually" is well-meant but just not always true, it's down to luck. Some of us aren't going to meet the right person for us, we're destined to become a vaguely sinister slime that lurks in bogs to drag unsuspecting walkers to their doom in our gloopy depths and that's okay!

I think at this point everyone in the us government should be fired

Is a banger still a banger if no one likes it?

Well at least I'm not broken enough to post parables on linkedin

Ate five cookies while trying to convince myself that I don't need to make spaghetti at 9:00 at night

Cover me in cheese sauce like I’m a little broccoli floret.

I think it is nice that this generation will be so well educated on how to spot signs and symptoms of dementia in their elderly parents just from watching Trump press conferences

Okay, let's eat some pasta and regroup

working in aviation has its ups and downs

Sandwich man found not guilty by a jury of his pickle spears

if the sandwich hit you must acquit

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

if you can have your soup in a bowl made of bread why can’t I have my coffee in a cup made of cinnamon coffee crumble cake

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

I am over candy and I am ready for seasonal pies and cakes

I completely disagree with the premise that the Addams Family were altogether ooky.

Some days don’t you just feel like a pickle drowning in a salty brine?

*performs a lobotomy and plays the empty recycle bin sound*

do vampires call the first meal of the day neckfast

I don't want AI. I want to stop filling out my entire medical history every time I go to the same doctor

Your soggy hotdog made my bun wet, and other tales.

papa you went on ozempic

Not using my extra hour for sleep, but for evil

what happened with the reese's pumpkins today can never happen again