Ok, tell me one thing that queso does not immediately enhance

The days, like people, keep getting dumber.

Internalize at your own risk, results may vary.

apple butter jeans are a different thing entirely

It’s pretty fitting that I’m finally getting rain today…

She’s a 10 but she’s difficult.

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

How come we didn’t get taught how to fold a fitted sheet in school

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

Look, I could explain, but I really don't want too.

Anyone know one of those ratatouille rats? kinda need to throw somebody the keys to this shit show for a while

I’m not stubborn, I just like to make absolutely sure the hill I’m dying on has a bar. I'm not going to die sober.

that's right, your wife left you because you needed 2 trips to bring the groceries in from the car

another day, another cheese gorging

I will keep posting 'your mom' jokes until morale improves

How to survive a polar bear attack You don't Follow for more tips

You can't ignore someone who doesn't care if they're noticed.

I think what we really need around here is a good old-fashioned field day

[ me racing to work at 4am ] man I should have learned to play the guitar on the MTV

Dark sarcasm keeps me alive.

The world was a better place when we didn't know what was on everybody's mind.

2025 has been rough, we should get two hours back this November second when daylight savings ends. Maybe three.

If you listen carefully, you can hear hindsight laughing at you.

I don’t think any amount of walking will save my mental health.

haven’t we been through purgatory long enough already

Cheese, but at what cost

I’m alone with my thoughts they look pissed

We're all now older than we are. This is unsustainable.

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star Please explode and put an end to this madness🎶

If I had infinite monkeys I would have them do much cooler shit than typing

*Puts on cloak on invisibility* "This is gonna be so much fun" *Stays at home and watches tv*

Them: if you know what I mean… Me: I never know what anyone means

Do you find it difficult to drink only one cup of coffee at a time, or are you a non human robot

Can you handle a peanut butter sandwich with only peanut butter? I’m looking for tough people

Everything can be improved upon by contributing one of two things: 1) Penguins 2) Cheese

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bullshit!™️

who up rn trying to figure out what day of the week it is

Meet new people? Do you realize how long it took to get rid of the ones I knew?

Life is a cycle. We're all recycled. Don't be worried about whether or not something has been thought, written, or done before. It has.

Would you all still love me if I sounded like a cheese grater when I hiccuped?

This man just asked me to lady and the tramp a taco with him, and honestly why not.

I wish I was one of those motivated people. I’d have a much better life.

pay someone to cut my hair in this economy pffft if my hair cutting was good enough for my Barbie dolls in 1985 it’s good enough for me

The bravest moment of my day is when I check to see what’s trending *adds tequila to coffee

Vaccinate me against humanity.

Do you want your skeets to be good or do you want your skeets to have a lot of likes? You can’t have both

Honey, we don't talk about corn dogs like we used to

Please stop breaking the pasta, let those long noods be themselves!

I have way too many problems in my own life to spend any time being outraged online.

my favorite hobby is escapism