*grilling hotdogs* how many sandwiches do you want

*high and giggling* you said wiener

Man I cannot even imagine running full speed with a dude and not falling on my face

I hope you enjoyed that IPA, lil fruit fly. It was 9%

i got distracted and my coffee went cold but i drank it anyway and it tasted like sadness a memoir

Feeling down? Just join social media and see people who are more miserable than you are!!

Eating a corndog like its corn on the cob

I’ve got a better way for you to lose a finger tonight

Act right? Nah

Crust is bread skin.

I certainly have a lot of anxiety for someone who says "I don't give a fuck" as much as i do.

Him: I can’t hear you with all these fans going everywhere Me [yelling]: This is what it will be like when we’re old! Him [yelling]: What!?

“i’ve got room for three hot dogs, four if you’re generous with the mustard,” i wink at the grill master

an apple a day keeps the hot wealthy doctors away

social media will have me questioning my worth and nah that feeling can kick rocks

Considering doing time to meet new people

quitting while im really far behind

I don’t bite, unless you want me to.

could really go for a raw dog right about now (hot dog, no bun)

Sorry about the things I said when it was hot.

Bank: what are your financial needs? Me: some finances would be nice

every day is a hot dog eating contest when you love hot dogs

When God made man why'd she fit so many unnecessary crevices

Potluck is finding a fat joint in your jacket pocket.

I wouldn’t say I’m easy, I prefer the term “friendly”.

*stops repeating everything* No more Mr. Twice Guy

swallowed my pride once and it tasted awful. won’t be doing that again

My method of posting is “make it easy for them to just keep scrolling”

The semicolon is a period having second thoughts; naturally, it’s my favorite.

What if dogs had human hands?

Whenever I text with grown ups, I start speaking weird and saying things like "This weather is something else, isn't it?'

There is a fine line between eccentric and batshit crazy I walk that line like an ostrich in roller skates

There isn't enough clown porn on Earth to cure this case of the blues

Waiter: may i offer you some steak tartare to begin your meal? Me: bro, i don’t think you can call it that

all of my personalities turned out to be cake

Pushing her labia minora away with my tongue like some gun fighter in the old west flinging the saloon doors open looking for a whiskey.

I’ll make you a sandwich as messy as you make me.

she is a ten as in “what are you, ten?”

The should invent a bacon sandwich that just appears

my ideal weight is my weight plus a hot person on top of me

Me: My biggest pet peeve is people wasting my precious time. Her: Didn’t you just spend 4 hours on the couch looking at your phone? Me: That’s…that’s completely different.

please don't ever make me elaborate on here even i don't know what i mean

it only takes 1 can of la croix to disappoint a whole village

i know i’m teapot shaped babe but it’s “bend me over and fill me up” if you sing it wrong again i’m putting my little lid back on

Sorry I faked it by throwing warm mayonnaise on your back.

Fuck you and the rental van you drove in on

if your sandwich doesn’t drip then what’s even the point

I Fell Asleep On The Couch For 45 Minutes And Now I'm Wide Awake At Almost 4AM: A Cautionary Tale

tattooing all my draft posts on myself like the memento guy

My doctor says exercise would be a good idea and suggested running with scissors