probably I fart too much to be an astronaut

They had to launch during a full moon so they knew where to point the rocket

crazy time for a trip to the moon considering gas prices right now

I feel like we’re all about to start playing survivor.

“I’m not falling for THIS again,” I say as I roll over and go back to sleep

Awake and mad about it

so my boss says "vibes are off" isn't an acceptable excuse for calling out sick

We're in our Hamburger Helper Renaissance.

I can have your cake and eat it too

I only pretend to have a therapist so I seem cool on Bluesky. I’m not even honest with myself, so why would I pay a stranger to lie to them?

Of course I’ll do an interpretive dance for him.. props include rotisserie chickens, corn dogs, a feather boa, and mini trebuchet.. that’s for the finale when I launch deviled eggs into his mouth…

I just realized that I have no idea how to chuck wood.

I’m starting to think that the princess is in another castle.

i need to stop putting things "where i won't lose them"

we’ll be right back with your regularly scheduled horrors after these shitposts

*takes bong rip* CBD is just diet weed

Got a hot date with my bed

An ice cream van pulls up while playing the Tetris theme song and bouncing like a lowrider. I jump out... "Hello Sharks."

The way to my heart is wine and cheese ᵃⁿᵈ ᶜᵒᵒᵏᶦᵉˢ,ᵇᵃᶜᵒⁿ, ˢᵗᵉᵃᵏ, ᶦᶜᵉ ᶜʳᵉᵃᵐ, ᶜʰᶦᵖˢ, ᶜʰᵒᶜᵒˡᵃᵗᵉ, ᶠʳᵘᶦᵗ, ᶜʳᵃᶜᵏᵉʳˢ, ᵖᵃˢᵗᵃ...

as far back as i can remember, i always wanted to skip ad

Just over here aging like spoiled wine.

WIFE: You better not be posting what I say again.

Me: IDK why I can't lose weight Also me: WHAT CAN I PUT CHEESE ON NEXT?

I’ve had my coffee, I’m ready to go back to bed and call it a day.

Pigs in a blanket is my favorite sex position.

it takes a village to raise an asshole too

Rock bottom isn’t all bad! I mean look at all these cool rocks I found.

The biggest failure of science is that we never developed more advanced slap garments than the bracelet.

It doesn't matter. Stop thinking about it.

it doesnt matter what i say some dipshit will repost it

When I die, put some dog treats in my pockets… I have a few I need to see then

I’m gonna start wearing a bandana. I’m going to be a bandana guy. Maybe wear short shorts and a gray sweatshirt like it’s 1988. They’ll say hey, it’s bandana guy and I’ll say hey.

Is an empty can of cheese whiz called cheese was??

Every time I think I simply cannot go on living, I tell myself just one more chapter.

My body is a collaborative effort between disgust and distrust.

I thought I was full of emotions but it's just ghosts

Lowering expectations is how I flirt.

Can’t. I'm burning a mix CD for your mom.

There’s only one logical thing to do now. Eat cheese.

let's hear it for macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs

Why can't I have the kind of anxiety that makes me clean my house instead of the kind that makes me scared of going out with my friends

Love myself? But I’m not even my type.

I came here to smoke weed and lure woodland creatures into my yard, so I'm smoking weed watching woodland creatures in my yard

Please don’t give me directions, if I don’t know where I am then nobody can come find me.

[archeologists uncover my drafts folder centuries from now] Archeologist: … Archeologist: What the fuck is a skeet, you guys?

Pickles are cool because they have zero calories so you can eat an infinite amount of them. (assistant passes me a note) What the heck is sodium?

kinda just over everything

falling asleep before 10 pm so I can be wide awake at 3 am is apparently my new jam and I hate it

Your fluffy pancake stack bed awaits. I'll deliver the hot syrup and whipped cream when you awake in the morn.