Murder, she suggested

the important thing is that Waldo finds himself

It snowed today, so don’t expect anything from me until it’s gone.

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here, rubbing Aspercreme on my aching knees

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

the real crime is the price of sandwiches these days

Cover me in cheese sauce like I’m a little broccoli floret.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

chickens: i used to be a t-rex. i’ll fuck you up

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

an extinction level event would fix all of you

it's been shown that 83% of social media users are as gullible as fuck

I had to use my brain muscles today. I didn't like it

Sorry I'm late, I have problems

I need a sound machine that makes the stirring of macaroni and cheese sounds.

A coffee from a giant mug sort of morning.

I’m too old for this. Me when I get out of bed every morning.

Make life more interesting by being the most absolutely batshit crazy version of you.

Some days don’t you just feel like a pickle drowning in a salty brine?

Your soggy hotdog made my bun wet, and other tales.

i hate the player AND the game (solitaire)

If someone actively dislikes a post I make, I will move seamlessly on with my hollow existence.

Everybody thinks they want a weird girl until she starts doing weird girl shit

Welcome to potato season, please consume responsibly

Me, getting kidnapped: I could eat.

Stuff me with your pimento like the queen olive I am.

Jazz hands to the coffee pot I go

One day I'll learn to leave well enough alone. This isn't the day.

It’s okay to cry when your cheese slips off the cracker.

Might go as a thick slice of applewood maple bacon this Halloween

Life.. still disappointing.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, falling asleep.

Out here making dreams come true. I mean, not yours, but.

Another day, another “what the fuck am I doing?”

My Halloween costume always ends up being, ‘guy eating candy in sweatpants.’

There’s absolutely no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time

Don't make me say something I won't regret.

life is a constant battle of trying to have a good time or being healthy

Masterfully done I whisper to myself after successfully getting through another day without going out.

*getting out of bed* Me: Fuck this.

Just saw my reflection and apologized.

"i can't get any engagement on bluesky" skill issue. a true poster can post anywhere. a poor workman blames his tools

The best skeets? Random answers;) E.g.: Never gym, always gin;D

help me tape the leaves back on these trees

Well, I'm awake again. Hide your cheese.

Some days I try too hard. Some days I don’t try hard enough. Either way, I’d rather still be in bed.

am i having a nervous breakdown or do i just need a snack

I put the ghoul in ghoulash

I wish we could return to a simpler time before the Internet and pants.

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire