My education left me ill-prepared for a world devoid of cursive-writing and quoits

Got-up early to fit in all the futility

when is 4/20 this year ?

Sometimes I worry I’m a bad parent, but that’s just the fentanyl talking

Today, I will be hosting a book-sale, until the librarians notice

Hard to believe we still need international laws and conventions when the power of prayer is so well documented?

WELL MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU SHOULDN’T DESCRIBE YOUR BABY AS “BOUNCY” THEN?

I have a cartoon avi because I got sick of being mistaken for a boy-band

Just think how much more popular the Bible would be if Jesus was called Donald

I have all my notifications sent to the needy

Nobody else on the bus can sing a rainbow

This is that awkward second skeet of the year, when you’ve already used up all your good ideas on the first

This is my first skeet of the year. Better make it a good one

furiously taking notes in morse code at a tap dance recital

Walking into 2026 like

St Antonius led a group of followers in the 2nd C. After persecution, they made their way to Capri, where they endured hardship, including bandits & disease, before making safe haven on the south. This statue commemorates the moment when, on their epic journey, St Antonius stood in some dog shit.

If you need to call me. No.

I was gonna make one of them bucket lists, but it turns out I don't want to do anything, really.

My wife and her friends are watching Steel Magnolias, so I casually threw out a classic "...The way she just [clenches fist] steals all that frickin magnolia..." and let me tell you, the gap between online and offline people is probably the biggest cultural divide we face today.

2026 will be the year of the highlighter pen, mark my words

*eats too much cheese* [later] *has the American dream*

[Military Strategy Meeting] Moth King: *pointing at a chart of the moon* Moth Generals: *muttering*

I've been in 2026 for the last 4 months. Get on my level.

i'm stupid. put me in the ny times.

2026 hasn’t even started and, already, John Lennon, Elvis Presley and Prince are dead

Growing up without a mother sucked. She died in childbirth. Well, that's what she said in the email

The Bible is groundbreaking in many respects, not least because it was one of the first novels to feature a gay protagonist

I drink to forge, I think?

Hit me up if you're looking for a podcast guest who is in no way interesting, amusing, or particularly well-informed on any topic.

Trust me! I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor

What happens in 2025 stays in 2025, right?

Researchers, working at the National Portrait Gallery in London, UK, now believe that, in the past, most people were facing this way

I just want the confidence of someone buying a whole calendar

We are only one third less water than a puddle

Every time somebody else dies makes it more likely I’m the central protagonist

Picture me naked! Wrong! There are more police

There is more technology behind this Bluesky post than was used to get mankind to the moon, and much better writing

In my version of the Bible (King James Edition) Mary, mother of Jesus, says 193 words. She just doesn't shut up

Once again, I find myself reading the end of your post even though I read the beginning

You type tomato. I type tomato You type potato. I type potato What the fuck?

Today, the woman I’ve secretly loved for years marries another man and I can’t stop thinking about the money I’m saving

At one point I was spending more than a 1000 dollars a week on drugs. It was then I knew I had to find a better dealer.

Most arrogant people need something to be arrogant about, but not me

Adam: “What’s this?” God: “A rib” Adam: “Can I fuck it?”

*me, seconds after cumming really, really prematurely This is all part of God’s plan.

I’m not arrogant because I’m such a talented writer. That’s just a coincidence

Climate Change is Nature’s way of telling humans to fuck off. Well, I’m not prepared to be spoken to like that! [*punches cactus*]

Dentist: [*vomiting*] Gift-horse: “I fucking warned you, man”

thought the guy who beat me up wanted to play patty cake

God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence