[The Rapture] Me: *bobbing on the ceiling like a balloon*

Your assertion (that I should try any language other than English) is hurtful

Imagine my surprise when I saw your good post

It’s only my arrogance that keeps me going

People think I’m “anti-sport” but any thinly veiled attempt to persecute the weak is fine by me

Oh well! Single again! Or, as a pedant might put it, “Still single”

More people than seems reasonably possible contributed to the making of “Jersey Boys”, but I will hunt them down

Sick and tired of being mistaken for a boy-band

Starting to worry about my visibility on here! Let me know if you can’t see this

My writing team just tried defenestration but, hah! I live on the ground floor

Can whoever is living my best life please give it back?

At first I didn't like this skin tag on my neck, but it's growing on me.

I have pent-up apathy

Vacuum: “You know what? Fuck you too!” Nature:

I had no idea so many women were asexual, until I started dating

No! YOU are the worst at witty retorts

Before “duck-face” people had to be alarmed by actual ducks

I was going to buy some invisible-ink but then I thought, why not just write about Gaza instead?

Before social media, I just used to shout at my hand

[Creation] God: “Check this out!” Angel: “Now what?” God: “I've called it an "anal beard". I LOVE IT” Angel: “What's it for?” God: “For?”

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant Me: why thank you

My money only happens to other people

Presumably, Jesus knew about antibiotics but just forgot to mention it

Moses: [FINALLY leading the Israelite’s into the Land Of Milk and Honey] “Sorry about the flies”

[getting fired] so.. I’m told you texted your mother this morning to say, and I quote, “I never liked Charlie Kirk”

My most recent post is already being described with superlatives such as “latest” and “alphabet”

I’ve read the Bible twice and Venezuela is not part of God’s plan

WINNING TEAM: all glory to god! LOSING TEAM: thanks for nothing god u piece of shit

I just wish Trump was held to the same standards as other TV celebrities

Jesus brings the disciples back from the dead for one last job.

There is no place for democracy in our violence

Can't believe I found this old photo of me. That's right, I was raised in the shell of a giant pink sea snail. The fella that looks like Anthony Newly, that's my uncle Chip. The one that looks like Rex Harrison is Rex Harrison. I don't remember the monkey.

In the same way a pause can enhance poetry, people appreciate the gaps between my shitposts

Notice how the eye is subtly drawn to the end of this sentence

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

We’re so excited for you to meet our baby, but heads up: she has a birthmark on her cheek that looks like you, specifically, getting hit by a 1997 Toyota Corolla

This sucks, they don’t even assassinate cool people anymore.

OF COURSE I’m doing Bluesky wrong! What’s your point?

We can learn a lot from literature. For instance, always check your pancake isn't sentient

Me: *biting my lip to look sexy* Her: “It’s the other lip”

I feel tired and confused, presidential even

Paranoia isn’t a bad thing. They just want you to think that

timing. The most important thing in comedy is

At up to three posts a day, it may come as a surprise to many that this isn’t my real job

People who say they “couldn’t be happier” are probably having an orgasm

Unlike my ancestors, I wouldn’t last a day in the wild, so that’s a plan

God missed a trick when He didn’t call Jesus “Harry Potter”

Pretty sure “God’s chosen people” aren’t going to need weapons