The newlyweds next-door are really bad at arguing. They both just keep shouting “YES”

I don’t understand why US citizens are arguing with each other, when they could be hunting billionaires

If there's one thing I regret then, it’s happened again, I've forgotten how to count

Currently considering how much of a 2026 calendar to buy. Don’t forget to haggle

My wife and I were going to dig a hole in the garden and throw money into it, but then we thought, “Why not have kids instead?”

My work here is dumb

Verily say I unto thee, what manner of the fuck

Labelling my posts as “deliberate” and “preventable” won’t make me stop

Me: “DOES NOT THE BIBLE SAY “BEHOLD! I COME QUICKLY” (Revelation 22:7)?” Her: “Even so...”

They call her Laura Loomer because of the way she stands over your bed while you're asleep.

Iambic is easily in my top 5, maybe top 10 favorite pentameters

Your “suggestion”, that I limit myself to posting punctuation, is hurtful

Who was it that said of Wednesday, “They call it ‘Hump Day’ because Odin liked to fuck”? It wasn’t me, and it’s Friday. Wow WHAT was in that flapjack?

Now my critics are saying there’s too many of me

Until I started dating, I had no idea so many women wanted to be my friends

The Mafia is a female led organisation. You’re thinking of the Mafio

The past was a different place (with very poor WiFi)

If only we’d harnessed Girl Power back in the 90’s, we wouldn’t be in this mess

In regards to reality? Agnostic.

I just want people to be arguing about me long after my timely death

welcome to Yamaha. do you want a piano or a motorcycle?

My schedule would be a lot less hectic if I could scream and nap at the same time

I wish people would stop saying this is the best Bluesky account ever! Not everyone has been born yet

Confession would be so much quicker if the priest didn't keep retching

I noticed you “liked” my post, but didn’t “boost” it? I’m sure you mean well, but your actions come across as selfish and solipsistic

It’d be easier to help old people cross the road if they didn’t struggle so much

I don’t remember buying a petard, but the paperwork seems legit

As a Christian I don’t own a microwave, preferring to crucify my food instead

I use a cartoon avi because I won’t always be able to rely on my looks

I'm finding it hard to keep myself uninformed.

WHAT USE IS AN E-CIGARETTE IF IT WON’T WORK UNDERWATER?

When routine bites hard and ambitions are low And resentment rides high but emotions won't grow Simply post lyrics

STAND BACK! My beauty will protect us

[Jesus’ wilderness diary, Day 2] “Started sweating wine. Maybe this won’t be so bad?”

Examples of my creativity and artistic license include any references to a “house”, “wife”, or “job”

Was He white? Or wholemeal? Theologians refuse to respond

Ah! It’s a beautiful day and I won’t let anyone spoil it for me. That’s my job

Ultimately, each one of us must decide for ourselves what is too fast or too furious

[World War One] Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

My doctor says I’m too pretty to be depressed

Oh no! My inept manipulation of the Bluesky algorithm means my posts are now only visible to half-wits

In theory, this is the worst time of the week for me to post, making you, the person reading this, a lonely abomination

As winter draws in, just a quick reminder not to eat yellow snow. It dangerously lowers your core body temperature

[A stable, two millennia ago] Voice from the manger: “Have I got laser-eyes? WHY NOT?”

Thanks for nothing, mathematicians from Ancient India!

When I have nothing to say, I say it

Mary says 190 words in the Bible, but in real life she never shut up about that one time she fucked God

Life hack: I always keep a reserve, third, birthday cake, in the pantry, just in case I have guests

When I realised how annoying drunk people were, I started drinking alone

Hah! Joke’s on you! My heart was already broken