i don’t have another monday in me

what do you mean I have to go to work tomorrow

Of course I’m an alpha male. *adjusts panties

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

Me: I’m making a roast. My girlfriend: Don’t fuck it.

People keep asking me if I am enjoying things-- my day, an event, or the weekend-- when I am literally just trying to survive these things

I will gladly give you some advice if you’re interested in ruining your life.

warby parker sounds like an asshole kid at a boarding school

me: *makes a joke about cake* them: lol, that’s so funny. i loved cake too until my dad got diabetes and lost his legs.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

no amount of state propaganda will ever convince me this man is my enemy

There is coconut oil all over my phone screen, no time for questions!!!

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

There are a lot of good looking men on both teams and coaching lol

when you die the last thing you hear is a dial up modem sound

Taking my rotting pumpkin to a patch upstate

I’m a sweetheart with a loud boner

When I drive over speed bumps, I imagine I’m driving over the bodies of my enemies

The name Burl is short for Burlington Coat Factory.

Eeyore just called and said we can’t hang out anymore cuz I’m too depressing.

Cover me in cheese sauce like I’m a little broccoli floret.

A muk bang, but it’s just me eating everything in sight to fill the yawning emptiness inside me.

looking for an app where i can meet people like this

You’ve got to have insane confidence to get a caricature drawings done of yourself

I met your mother when she put her peanut butter in my chocolate. Or maybe I put my chocolate in her peanut butter? Any way, that's how we met.

I'd camp more if I could somehow bring a toilet and running water.

Entropy and decay stalk us. Relentless, inevitable. All that we love will become as dust in the wind. Scooting over to Wendy’s to get a Triple Baconator meal and a diet Coke

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

you can't just tell a girl she's not allowed to sell your kidneys

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

I’m sick, so I’ll probably do a sexy video of me rubbing Vicks Vaporub on my chest later

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

It would be cool if drinking the water from the back of the air conditioner gave you crazy ice powers like sub zero instead of legionnaires disease

If you really loved me, you’d tolerate a little light stabbing to keep the romance alive.

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just like really supportive

My friends, why must we add to the hate and division? I choose joy. And a flaming broad-axe with which to hew and cleave mine enemies. But mostly joy.

I once had a girlfriend who was in the army and when she broke up with me she said she was giving me a vaginal discharge

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

I just sneezed so hard I feel funny in my bathing suit place

My online girlfriend and I have been sexting so much she got pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

I’m big in Japan. The average Japanese is much smaller than the average America.

RFK Jr.‘s voice makes me want to run and hide.

Humor reached its peak during those Scooby Doo chase scenes where everyone ran in the door on the left, but came out the door on the right.

You can't all be cougars. Some of you are just middle aged women.

Making baby formula in the meth lab

The Billy Jack movies combine my favorite thing, Kung Fu, with my least favorite thing, Hippies. I'm really torn.

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret [me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now