Just back from introducing the Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Mormons in my cellar

peter lorre was the original weird little guy™️

The only thing social media has taught me is that many people are undiagnosed.

it’s like nobody on here posts anything political

He’s a 10 but he says velumptuous

Just showed my boyfriend that Shaq “Kobe, tell me how my ass taste” video. He had never seen it before. Wish I had filmed his reaction to this American gem.

The hardest part of country living so far is that, if a company sends a guy you don't like to do a job, that's the same guy they will send every time because that's the only guy they have available to send in like a 100 mile radius.

people don’t yearn anymore

Breaking a collarbone 900 years ago would’ve been mega annoying

What's your favorite song about Rambling on?

When will laziness be classified as a disease so I can go on disability?

I’m tired of giving friendly advice. I’m going to start offering violent alternatives

The Chinese word for cheese is "Milk Rot." I don't think they like it.

What's your favorite song about a Pinball Wizard?

I’m saving all my DoorDash drop off pics and making a collage to hang above my stove

In my twenties I had both a neck and hips

Stroke while the penis is hard, or whatever you inspirational people say.

Drinking your self to death is a lot of fun actually.

They should make spreadable hot dogs, like peanut butter.

Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Randy, Janet, Michael

Been getting into climbing lately, bought a ladder

What’s your favorite song about a hotel in California?

What’s your favorite song about a Rhinestone Cowboy

I think it's time we made another movie about a giant bear eating people.

They always say at the end that those Law and Order episodes aren't about me, but I know what I did.

Yoda: Luke… dying I am… my hundreds of eggs… store them in your mouth, you must… only way to keep my babies warm…

did the south rise again yet?

Porthole feels like it should always be a sex word.

Watching Dirty Dancing cause I want to.

Call me racist, but I still think that "Ancient Chinese Secret" commercial is hilarious.

Do they still have circus geeks? I need a new career.

I want to be able to time travel so I can bring back my own skull.

Maybe that song Cat's in the Cradle is about how to raise a kid who won't bother you when you're old?

brainstorming here, would anyone pay to see nude gnome covered entirely by bugs?

Having legs and knowing how to use them isn't that impressive ZZ Top.

If I were Robin, I would have demanded Batman let me wear some damn pants.

If some guy walked a thousand miles to fall down at my door, I'd probably just leave him there for the authorities.

Thank you for your very serious reply to my idiotic shitpost.

You know you're getting old when you pull a muscle putting on your compression socks.

I hope aliens are real because I'd like to try their milk.

Sane people don’t want to be rich, they want to be free

No one ever invites me to join any sex cults. It would be nice to be asked.

I wish I knew more military terminology. Those guys who sit by Costco and claim to be disabled veterans are making a killing.

The original ending of Splash showed Darryl Hanna swimming away with the drowned corpse of Tom Hanks. It didn't test well.

Swimming through garbage at the dump the way Scrooge McDuck swims through gold coins.

My signature sex move is being terrible at sex.

I have to say, they really do go well with the second floor.

Don't dm me to chat about my skeets especially questions. I don't explain myself to anyone. GFY.

I like a girl with feet.

*a light and happy song comes on* WHAT THE FUCK