remember the movie where julianne moore jacks her gay twink son

siri play relaxing machine sounds

My kids don't like the baked cheese on top of the lasagna. Y'all. Where did I go wrong?

Sorry I let you down, but it’s my specialty.

I say "Thank you for your service," to prostitutes, for the vital role they fill in society.

I relate most in life to that dog in the Looney Tunes Cartoon, who made the cat and mouse steal him meat, and then would say, "What, no gravy?"

Hispanic at the Disco.

Sometimes I dream that I have tiny penises growing all over my body, like warts, and I have to cut them off with nail clippers. I'm normal.

I'm gonna start a grilled cheese hot dog food truck. They will be delicious, but mostly I want to give people food poisoning.

Nippleback

This was a good joke. 🫤

I don't own any pajama pants, so I'm going to Walmart bottomless.

There should be more movies about a maniac terrorizing a blind woman.

have you ever needed someone so bad, charlie brown

Is there a surgery that could remove my back fat? I'm all squishy back there.

Why do people call me gay when I wear belly shirts? Is this Fascism?

It's weird because Yoga pants are so popular, but when I wear them people get disgusted.

It's OK to be weird. Unless you have a corporate job, and then you will be the first to be fired.

Everyone knows UFO's are the work of Satan. Duh.

They’re making a movie about me called “The Greatest Story Ever Told”

Counting down the years till I qualify for the old folks home and my sex life restarts.

What happens in Vegas makes me feel fat and inadequate.

The worst kind of orgy is a prison orgy.

I am like a potato chip bag. Noisy and half empty inside

If there was a contest for eating cottage cheese with my hands tied behind my back, I’m in.

Might just fuck around and run with two pairs of scissors.

People always say they don't want fame, but try to get laid at a waffle house at two in the morning without it.

You have Seth Rogan's wealth and fame but you have to laugh like Seth Rogan.

I paused this movie and now Netflix wants to see my resume?

I heard you can get high as fuck on banana peels. Is there somewhere I could verify this?

The most hated man in America is not a politician, criminal or terrorist: It's Carrot Top.

If something smells fishy, I'm not looking for a conspiracy, I'm looking for a dead fish.

There should be a corner at Home Depot where a guy with a table saw will slice you off custom lengths of hot dog from an infinite hot dog coming out of the wall

cheddar bay biscuit is a beautiful name for a baby girl

getting emotional because no one is playing with my tits right now 😔

texting my boss I can't come in today because im spiritually sick

I Imagine if I found Thor's Hammer I would be worthy to wield it .

A horse walks into a bar and everybody freaks out because it's a huge dangerous animal that does not belong indoors.

Pumpkin spice latte sounds like a good name for a stripper.

A serial killer would probably keep a nicer house than mine, in case anybody noticed and called the cops.

I want to be fired for disgusting misconduct.

I want to be rich and famous but I don't want to wear a suit.

Thinking about opening one of those furniture stores that’s always going out of business.

I put my grocery cart back in the corral where it goes, and don't just leave it in the parking lot. Hero.

Mothman is the worst superhero. He never rescues anyone, he just destroyed that bridge that one time.

My friend's incredulity that I'm not on antidepressants was both insulting and kind of flattering ??

This Satanic cult was going to sacrifice me, but they decided I was too “Soiled.”

My teeth look like candy corn.