Remember late 70s/early 80s high school when guys flaunted their jock cred by wearing a cut-off football jersey half-T? Those photos didn't age well. You can get past the feathered hair, parted in the middle but your kids will never forgive the half-T.

I tried to use a parasol to protect me from the sun. My family took it away from me after I wouldn't stop promenading and sashaying

I'd win one of those hotdog eating contests if we all had to eat in the nude.

I never realized Bronson wore a speedo in the beginning of Death Wish. My world view is shattered.

does the empire state building thing involve king kong yes or no

My favorite Motley Crue song is Too Fat For Love.

There are many ways to die, but no one should be shot dead in a dispute over a Walmart parking spot.

Guys, if you have a butterfly tattoo, it better be of a deadly, poisonous butterfly, or you're gonna get beat up.

Good relationships don't just happen. They are arranged by your parents for the financial gain of both families.

What they don't know won't hurt them, unless it is the location of the trap door over the spikes.

Don't you forget about cheese Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about cheese

Every day I get a little closer to befriending an inanimate object

Digital blood spatter is the worst thing in modern action films.

The Girl with Maxillary Prognathism.

I spend an enormous amount of time on here muttering "what the fuck does that even mean?"

An awful lot of people and things end up in "The Middle of Nowhere." Maybe it's not such an isolated spot?

It would be terrible to be a girl with the last name "Hooker."

I bought one of those auctioned off abandoned storage lockers, but it was just full of human heads in pickle jars.

my beautiful breasts

the girl with the check engine light on

my top 8 penises

cute date idea: digital penetration @ shake shack

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” I say as I cut my arm & cheese oozes out

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask

It’s not kinky until a netti pot’s involved

RIP funny thought I had while driving

My soul mate probably lives in a cave.

Bartender, vodka rocks and a plate of cold lasagna, please.

maybe no one is building a time machine in the future because everyone is dead

Sometimes them Marijuana hippies will smoke up and pass out in my field, and then the raccoons get to them and impregnate them with a mess of eggs. I take em to the hospital but it don't do no good.

June is almost over and I'm not done complaining about men and how gay I wanna be

In the summer time raccoons get awful randy, and they will lay a mess of eggs in your dog or cat. It's traumatizing when they bloat up and the young raccoons eat their way out.

Every 8 years or so I google some asshat I went to law school with and they’re always doing well. Fuck them.

Do you think Patrick Swayze is a real ghost now

No one came to my Quinceañera, just because I'm a 53 year old man. I had a nice dress and everything.

Like any healthy person I cry at work and pretend it's because of allergies.

Everyone gets paranoid when you compliment their eyebrows.

If I could have dinner with any celebrity, living or dead, I think it would be Popeye.

It must feel awful being full of piss and vinegar.

I guess if I was in the desert dying of thirst I might try to drink some clamato, but that's the only time.

Men will literally suck your toes instead of going to therapy. And it’s awesome.

You missed the whole point of the film. It’s a story about a man named Ernest. Who goes to camp

I'm gonna retire the day I have to work with somebody named Daenerys

Ode to Orgasming on Amyl Nitrate.

There must be ten men who are ugly out there because I got alot of handsome in me.

I see myself as a modern day Telly Savalas.