Reading 1984 to lighten the mood.

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

Sex so good you start stuttering.

there are some ladies on here with some large breasts please be careful everyone

"We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies." Happy Valentine's day!

I wish my hair was straight so I could sport the He-Man haircut.

Goals lead to disappointments <inspirational>

hey man keep your pompatus in your pants nobody wants to see that thing

How did Batman think over Robin's constant inane chatter?

Transferring my consciousness into a gas station pepperoni stick

You know who wears fanny packs? Batman.

I wish I had a basement. You know, for murder and stuff.

I act younger than I am because I wasted 20 years of my life

Anyway, speaking of corny valentines stuff: Who is it that enjoys wearing the lacy panties with a seam right in the middle of all of it? Pussy prime meridian is ugh

You wanna know what I'm thinking? Why is the A Team theme song always playing in my head? I'm not a bad person, I don't deserve this.

I'm more of a parasocial butterfly

I wish there was a sculpture of Hercules where he was wearing some damn pants.

I asked the guy at the Home Depot what drill bit I should use for drilling a hole in my skull to let the demons out, but he didn't answer.

Think what ever you want, but I say Ferris Bueller ruined that parade.

I promised my truck that when it’s time, I’m gonna put it in neutral and let it roll off a ledge into an old quarry

i think we all need to step back and realize that peak art was made when neolithic pot in the shape of a pig was fired

Me, nude, riding a rocking horse: Easy, Sarsaparilla.

*a gentle breeze carries a napkin with unintelligible scribbles on it out a bus window* “MY OEUVRE!” I cry.

One would think being “in arrears” would be a pleasant thing. One would be wrong

Shennanny Goats is a good name for something.

I'll decide when I have dallied long enough. I love to dally.

Me and Harry Dean Stanton figuring things out around the blue fire of pressure-treated wood in a galvy burn barrel

I will fight Elon Musk for his fortune in Thunderdome. As an Australian he cannot refuse.

it wasn't a rock it was a lactobster

They say “But you LIKED this art when you didn’t know it was AI!” like it’s some kind of gotcha. We liked the original artist upon whose stolen work the machine was trained. Kindly point us in their direction.

I miss Steamymac/Mr. Bea Arthur.

If this isn't Hell, why does Love Shack come on the radio every time I start my car?

If you send a man to the grocery store, clear your schedule. You are now live customer support for the entire trip. Might as well go yourself.

Normalize whispering, “HAVE FUN IN FLAVORTOWN!” as he starts to go down on me.

A good porn name would be Dick Fillmore.

I bet Skeeting is something in the Olympics. I post.

🚨PSA, jokes are now classified as feminist emergencies! Your bio already says killjoy, the live demonstration was not required.

I shred hotdogs with a cheese grater and sprinkle them over my oatmeal.

everyone shut the fuck up im self soothing

2025 was the wettest year ever recorded by my pussy

If you add Vegas to your name, you seem way cooler. I'm Vegas Uncle Kermit.

I have the break room at work all to myself as I weep openly if anyone comes in the room, and they skitter away in embarrassment.

The President with the best name was Millard Fillmore.

I'm making a children's show about evil trains that run people down.

I fantasize about hot women that I would like to see in porn. I am a very sad man.

I use cookie cutters to make baloney and cheese ginger bread men, and then I play with them on my lunch break at work.

good morning from the butthole state

Aye, I am bearded, as ye fabled clams of yore

My favorite Ice Cream is chicken flavor Ramen noodle.