It’s Boxing Day in Canada! It’s the one day a year when all Canadians can fist fight their enemies without any legal repercussions.

The older I get, the more I sympathize with the Grinch hating all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE

my cupcakes didn’t rise.

now that christmas is over, those ugly sweaters can be used as cum rags

A hot turkey sandwich would fix me.

I’m feeling festive, wanna punch me in the face and tell me I’m your slut?

If I hear anyone say, Ooh La La! My immediate and involuntary response is Sasson.

Fun has been banned in Australia. But on the plus side, everything still wants to kill you.

Dinner rolls are just a delivery mechanism for butter.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness . . . some of us post shit on social media.

Adding an asterisk to every post with IT'S A FUCKING JOKE, YOU DWEEB at the bottom.

alrighty, time to check the reindeer traps for meat

A Clockwork Orange Christmas.

The trick to garlic bread is to make at least 5 times too much of it then eat it all hunched over in the corner of the basement like a rat

If you don't end today having learned a valuable lesson about the meaning of Christmas, then congratulations, you are not the main character in this simulation.

I always thought the line,”Round, young virgin, mother and child,“ meant the virgin mother had a round belly, not that they gathered around her.

When they describe baby Jesus as a “holy infant so tender and mild” he sounds like a basket of buffalo wings.

ITS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I FINALLY GOT MY HAM

In my day, a charcuterie board was a sleeve of saltines on a cable spool table

After a long day, I get in the shower and squat like some kind of protohuman searching the shallows for crayfish and make grunting sounds while the hair conditioner works its magic

I can't remember what fucking day it is but I can remember all the lyrics to the love boat theme song

Wearing my sweatpants with writing on the ass that say, “Juicy, but not in the good way.”

I’ve decided to win the Oscar™️ for best actor this year.

I wish it was easier to find holiday themed hardcore pornography.

At this festive time of year I'd like to remind everyone to praise Odin.

imagining your light hearted non political skeets written in impact font on a very old man’s shirt

December Your Mom Memes Day 23 of 25

I wish my family would have agreed to join my gospel group. I think we would have made it.

I wonder if other races are offended by the song "White Christmas?" I"m sure they have nice Christmas's too.

Gonna wear my wedding dress to family dinner on Christmas Day.

Don't make me use the chicken scissors.

I would like to ride into battle to the Chips Theme Song.

Really, one maid a milking would be sufficient for my needs, but I'll take all eight.

Which Norse God would I be? Which one was the biggest coward?

Do you need your Bejeezus to live? Someone just scared it out of me.

Without me, my kids would have no idea which actors in the movie we're watching are dead

Who was it who shot Buddy Holly?

If I could be any kind of monger, cheese would be on top of the list.

Never throw away spoiled milk. Give it to someone you don't like. Pour it in your boss's car. Be creative.

The priest at my snake church said science is a myth

The voices in my head sound angry, but I don't understand Chinese.

I was considering becoming a vegetarian for health reasons, but I don't think I could eat fish and chips EVERY night.

Even though I had it printed on T-shirt, no one ever called me Thunderlips.

I can't say anything anymore without my nephews laughing, like "Tossed Salad," or "Cream Pie," or "I pulled a boner," or "I took my car in for a rim job." I don't understand at all.

I'll be home for Christmas. No one invited me anywhere, so I am staying home.

If there was a zombie apocalypse, I know what I'd do. Get eaten.

Is a pipe dream like my dream of hitting someone with a pipe wrench?

What I say into the mirror each morning:

My favorite movie? It's definitely between Karate Bear Fighter or Karate Bull Fighter. They are both so good.

How The Grinch Stole Cable