No matter how James Bond returns, I think all of the other James Bonds should appear as holographic looking ghosts who nod sagely at everything he does.

Ever since I was a boy, I’ve wanted to diversify my portfolio

Someday I'd like to date a girl who didn't need money for crack.

I'm losing weight by eating nothing but pickles. I'm so sick.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.

I think I’m ready to start eating competitively.

“I’ll just slip into something more comfortable,” I say, walking into the ocean.

"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."

This is my crippling anxiety post. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

I make a spectacular friend if you like downward spirals

how many jokes do i need to post before the world is fixed

College dorm room start up idea: The Brodega

The heart wants what the heart wants, but try telling that to the police.

You see a lot of girls named "Brooklyn," but never "The Bronx," or "Staten Island."

If I were the devil, I would not write 666 on stuff, even secretly, so no one would catch on to my plans.

Have had life ruining allergies for over a week and now I have no choice but to cut my own head off.

I've made so many mistakes in my life. Wasted years. Wasted relationships. Wasted everything.

i don’t have another monday in me

what do you mean I have to go to work tomorrow

Of course I’m an alpha male. *adjusts panties

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

Me: I’m making a roast. My girlfriend: Don’t fuck it.

People keep asking me if I am enjoying things-- my day, an event, or the weekend-- when I am literally just trying to survive these things

I will gladly give you some advice if you’re interested in ruining your life.

warby parker sounds like an asshole kid at a boarding school

me: *makes a joke about cake* them: lol, that’s so funny. i loved cake too until my dad got diabetes and lost his legs.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

no amount of state propaganda will ever convince me this man is my enemy

There is coconut oil all over my phone screen, no time for questions!!!

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

There are a lot of good looking men on both teams and coaching lol

when you die the last thing you hear is a dial up modem sound

Taking my rotting pumpkin to a patch upstate

I’m a sweetheart with a loud boner

When I drive over speed bumps, I imagine I’m driving over the bodies of my enemies

The name Burl is short for Burlington Coat Factory.

Eeyore just called and said we can’t hang out anymore cuz I’m too depressing.

Cover me in cheese sauce like I’m a little broccoli floret.

A muk bang, but it’s just me eating everything in sight to fill the yawning emptiness inside me.

looking for an app where i can meet people like this

You’ve got to have insane confidence to get a caricature drawings done of yourself

I met your mother when she put her peanut butter in my chocolate. Or maybe I put my chocolate in her peanut butter? Any way, that's how we met.

I'd camp more if I could somehow bring a toilet and running water.

Entropy and decay stalk us. Relentless, inevitable. All that we love will become as dust in the wind. Scooting over to Wendy’s to get a Triple Baconator meal and a diet Coke

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

you can't just tell a girl she's not allowed to sell your kidneys

I kiss my biceps after each skeet