90s kids didn’t go to therapy. We just yelled “INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE” and kept it moving.

There’s a guy putting up a stop sign at the exit of our parking lot but I got there just before he hung it on the pole so I win

I’m sick, so I’ll probably do a sexy video of me rubbing Vicks Vaporub on my chest later

You should hear the stuff I DON'T tell you people. 😋

whistlin dicks, see

a Nissan only junkyard called remember the titans

break time

what does the koolaid man throw up

I once accidentally introduced two Gregs to each other

at least tomorrow is not Monday

it's almost my birthday in case y'all want to start saving up

meme of Bong Joon Ho making his Oscars kiss but instead he is holding me and you

MY SISTER (looking at the full moon): wowww it’s so big! it’s like pulsating, do you see that? ME: I think that’s your astigmatism

Liar, liar pants on fire, is why I have trust issues.

Get in loser, we’re going to get the Guillotine.

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

Back in my day the closest thing we had to shitposting was department store graphic tees with terrible sarcastic one-liners printed on them

I call my Italian grandmother’s absurd comments nonna sequiturs.

I’m such an avid thrifter … most of my life is pre-loved: My car 4 dogs and the beasts before them Some of my clothes My Antiques My wine cellar My man

why did we stop at rocks and corn? have we tried popping other objects

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

I’ll announce to the whole room my tummy hurts cause I need all the well wishes I can get

I adore the boldness of kids. They’ll just hold out their foot in front of you & stare like, “tie my shoe, peasant” & you’re like OK but one of these days we gotta talk bunny ear method

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

If I ever offer you ham and eggs for breakfast, just know that what you’ll actually be getting is a handful of uncooked oatmeal and a glass of hot water.

My online girlfriend and I have been sexting so much she got pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

How corrosive is ketchup on cheap gold plating?

Dogtor Pepper, the sugar-free soda for dogs (it’s just cat barf)

is that melted chocolate in your back pocket or are you extremely disappointed to see me

me: love your vibe vibe: ew, sorry, what haha yeah gotta go

plays yacht rock as human repellent

No high hits as hard as feeling well rested.

If you dislike your own post, you die irl.

Didn't have being super high and admiring the beaver moon on my bingo card.

did you know you can just like, forgive yourself? all that shit you punish yourself over and over for, you don’t have to do that you can set it down and walk away and breathe deep for the first time in decades

why don’t they make medicine for when your heart hurts so much it feels like you’re dying for three weeks straight

in seasons of upheaval and pain, recapture the things that give you joy like the cool feeling of hemorrhoid cream on your butthole

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

Every drawer can be a junk drawer if you commit to it.

If there was an Amber Alert for a child named Waldo it wouldn’t be funny but I would probably laugh a little bit to myself.

And that man’s name? General George America… now you know, the REST of the story.

don’t normalize anything, surrealize everything

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

Leave your problems at the door and become a recluse. <inspirational>

I can humbly confirm that I’m just winging it.

Music makes you feel. Brings back memories whether you like it or not. Thank god you can turn it the fuck off.

Say hello to Raylan.

After re-watching a hot number of Unsolved Mysteries, there were a surprising amount of paranormal entries on top of the missing people stories! 🛸 👻

Don’t forget all men named Michael are half off tomorrow.

I made another cake yesterday because that's what I do now apparently