Vicks on my feet as a little treat

If anyone wants to get me an Easter basket my favorite candy is hundred dollar bills

i definitely have some room to grow honestly but i’m close to perfecting it

Where do you see yourself in five business days?

harold says *chirp mfs

letting my legs feel the breeze in their hair

*removes gag ball to make Face ID purchase

You guys we did it, we found Hell. phys.org/news/2026-03...

If you say my name three times in the mirror, I’ll show up and refill your Brita pitcher

anti-gravity boobenheimers?! 🤯

The Milky Yay!

You’re the weakest link fuck off

Sorry, if I seem moody. I am in fact moody.

😀

wild cherries are just regular cherries that party hard on the weekends

I’ll be sure to follow my job’s social media accounts once I figure out how this whole world wide web, thing works

Interviewer: what’s your 10 year plan? Me: i’ll come up with a 5 year plan Interviewer: holy shit, that’s a 100% increase in production. you’re hired!

They should invent eyes and buttholes that last longer than 50 years.

I'm proper, that's why I only wipe the corners of my butthole.

Was late for work again because my tie got stuck in the 7-Eleven hot dog spinner

I am starting to suspect all these peace signs we have been flashing over the years have done fuck all

I'd like to be light and airy, but my mind weighs heavy and I often sink like a stone.

I remember you. You’re that asshole I thought I forgot about years ago. What the fuck are you doing in my dreams?

I don't tiptoe around issues. I stomp.

unbothered af, lil dude said watch me snack, twat

*chewing on your heart strings got something in my teeth

is that hope any good? *snorts a rail of hope off your ass

First person who considered eating ass must've been snacking on a brussels sprout.

Who is up for a game of strip tiddlywinks?

Nice pic...you're not foreign to nail files in your baked goods, are you?

wait, we can’t have sex until I find my chapstick

I have all of you listed from favorite to least favorite, who I would trust with my cats, who I’d make out with and who I’d want on my side in the apocalypse on an excel spreadsheet

my lucky shirt was in the washing machine when my game started so I wore the damn thing wet to get the win, good thing they have me

girl you wanna talk shit then meet me by the catnip bush after my nap

Space titties

TAKE ME THROUGH YOUR WORMHOLE I NEED TO SEE THEM TOO

Never forget about the nooks and crannies when you’re exploring the hills and valleys.

I fell asleep on the couch this morning and avoided half the day. 5 star recommend

I wish I had gotten spat out of a different quantum singularity 13.7 billion years ago

idk who needs to hear this but let’s not say shit like this to ppl

🧵 1/6 so this message rly bothered me and i’m still thinking about how upset it made me so here’s a thread of why you shouldn’t say stuff like this to ppl

it’s a big shitta thing, a lil pooper like you wouldn’t get it

You say but..I say hole.

The best part of speaking up is the reaction.

I'm this way because I don't self medicate..

Let's act like everything is okay again tomorrow.

guitar gyro

I don't think l'll make it out of March, I'm so tired. Go on without me.

Stop negotiating with someone who only listens when they’re about to lose you. -me, to me

it was the hexed of times, it was the cursed of times