i would also care about sports gambling if i never made a woman cum

Teachers used to tell us as kids, "There are no stupid questions," and I truly believed it until Reddit came along.

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

i just saw the rockettes at radio city music hall ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

the electronic form for the doctors office asked me to choose colors to describe my mucus and the color of my mucus was not on the list i think i’m about to be famous

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"

👀

No one has skeletons in their closets anymore, everyone keeps them in their phones instead.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad? Me: Ice cream

i don't want never-ending soup and breadsticks. i want never-ending margaritas.

i know we're all thinking the same thing and are just too afraid to say it publicly so i'll start: big chungus is a would for me

banning goatse? you mean covering the spread?

Me to me: OK, put on a fucking Christmas movie and get in the goddamned spirit!

Admiral Ackbar is definitely in my top three favorite, positive admirals from science fiction.

ABAB (All Billionaires Are Bastards)

Inside of me there are 6 geese a laying

PSA there are 8 million people in every mall today and they've all forgotten how to walk

I came into the city for a sex date* and other lies I tell myself *Pap smear

Armageddon, but it's just me on the toilet this morning after eating a full pound of black seedless grapes yesterday.

I'd be reposting so much of your stuff if only you used alt text.

Dunno, might fuck around and start using the imperial we. Not for 'divine' reasons, but because I feel like each of my personalities deserves recognition.

Use your brain. In this economy?!

Just sitting here contemplating why I am the way I am. We’ll get back to you.

the art of letting whoever think whatever

clocking in high because this week is covered by a claus.

Everytime I see a bath bomb my cooter hugs itself and whimpers

Longing for the days when misspelling “potato” was enough to derail a political career.

Snoop on a Stoop takes Humpty Dumpty to the spa

can’t today, playin with my barbies

I knew Nicki Minaj was a moron when she blabbered in public that her friend’s cousin‘s boyfriend’s swollen balls were from the Covid vaccine instead of an STD

shitposts are like miniature Seinfeld episodes with a sometimes crossover into sunny in Philly

walks through a car wash just to feel something

I'm just like....fuuucckkk thhhiiissss I'm going to bed

The dry skin has awaken the insomniac in me

Fuck you shortest day of the year, you are soooo over.

I am unstoppable unless there’s a minor inconvenience.

One day you’re young and cool and the next you’re eating coleslaw for dessert.

Mayor: “We need to top this Christmas tree with a star somehow…” Shaedon Sharpe: “Say less.”

If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my watching ‘Night Court’ reruns at 3:20am.

I have Monday off. Neiner

Of course I’d like to be emotionally stable but unfortunately I have a personality

Senior discounts: sorry you had to live so long, here’s 10% off

nothing says "kick me” like wearing a sweater with bells on it

i am “takes naps on lunch breaks” years old

Customer: im irate Me: hi irate, nice to meet ya

Smoking that yule log like it owes me money

Woke up with my fanny pack on again

60 Minutes has decided last minute to pull their story on the suffering dairy industry in America because, quote, “[my] tummy hort”

Sorry, boss, can't do any work because I need to keep an eye on that runaway reindeer for Santa.