A rule of thumb, use your elbow.

The Epstein files are going to result in a lot of illegal war crimes.

If anyone is even remotely nice to me, I assume that they are wearing a wire.

I'm really getting tired of living through ten major historical events in a row.

what the world needs now are statements of the obvious

we all have PTSD from this except it's not post-, it's not even over

C'est moi

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

Chuck E. Cheese was the doctor Chuck E. Cheese’s was his monster

PRESIDENT'S HEAD MRI RELEASED

it wasn’t until they found the twenty first pilot, that they knew they had something special

Self-care but for others.

As an official spokesman for everyone, we hereby state that we don't give a fuck about Bill Clinton. Attacks on him mean less than nothing to us. We DO NOT CARE. As you were.

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

Updated for your Follow Friday shitposting pleasure go.bsky.app/CW9mrXb

We go together like bathtubs and toasters

Night Terrors implies the existence of Day Terrors

I met a weird girl and within 20 minutes she had me eating nerd clusters straight from her hand like a horse

good morning lords ladies lovers and friends. welcome to the no fucks zone

A strange woman saw me put relish on my hot dog and winked. For a terrifying second, I thought I'd been performing a culinary sex act in public.

Thanksgiving decorations that depict happy little turkeys are just a little sadistic.

Walks into room..Fuck y'all.

“Look, all I’m saying is that I’m not in the Epstein files. But if I am, there are a lot of other people in there too… like George Washington, George Costanza, George Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson, Luke Skywalker, Abner Doubleday, Moses Malone, Okra Wimphrey…”

most of you need to do some inner child work just saying

It's weird, but sometimes when you let someone love you they actually do.

One time I used the word "less" in a post when it should have been "fewer" and I've never been larger ashamed.

Look, from here, it's either Ocean Rain by Echo and the Bunnymen, which is a goddang beautiful rain song, but is totally likely gonna bring everything down. Or, another topically unrelated Duff track. Which I think won't. www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVEx...

Just because it got taken care of doesn't negate the fact that the President tried to starve people with the blessing of the Supreme Court.

Y'all know I'm problematic, right?

It’s ok if you’re not telling, because I wasn’t asking.

oh my ass? i think you mean my twerk of art

Create the problem Fix the problem Take credit for fixing the problem

Might sell Avon door to door as a side hustle

Sorry for what I said and did when I was overstimulated

"Your response to stimuli is stimuli to me" that's so seductive but I assure you I can silent disco without the cap guns

I can't imagine three more years of this insanity

my fucks were all lost at sea, sadly

ok but i never thought i'd get that much of a chuckle out of hearing news readers saying amyl and the sniffers

No one says “you bet your bippy” anymore, and this saddens me.

I really just want to throw my phone in the ocean...

With regrets I must announce that snooty academic dweebs have determined that they do not recognize the pretty positive outcomes of my punching-motherfuckers-based research.

Ripples says hey

alice in wonderland but it’s me going down the 3am internet rabbit hole

A Bristolian accent so strong, the word airport has 4 syllables.

Good morning, all. What nonsense awaits us today?

My kryptonite, my gateway drug, my seductress, and my biggest worry of the holiday season.

the purge but it's only for billionaires