Eating because I’m hungry, bored, stressed, happy, sad, not hungry, breathing.

sry can’t go driving in rain is against my religion take it up with the weather people

im sick of being a crash test dummy

a corn dog gives birth to a bunch of baby corn dogs would you eat them and how quickly

Quicksand is just regular sand that finishes in 30 seconds then falls asleep without satisfying its partner.

My wife looks at me when I’m about to say something stupid. She doesn’t even speak. She just looks. “You will not make the joke. You will drink your coffee in silence.”

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

[Olympic tryouts] “Your event?” “Downhill.” “Skiing?” “No. Just going downhill.” “Huh?” “Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”

I don’t tell drug companies when to make drugs. What gives them the right to tell me when I can operate heavy machinery?

Truth be told I sometimes use big words I don't fully understand just to make me sound cleverer and more ambidextrous.

it's a good day to "meh" and dissociate

I know you're not supposed to pick on things people can't help, but Pam Bondi is dumber than a bag of dog shit on the ground next to a trashcan instead of inside it

As far as the “it’s okay to be white” crowd? Not the way you’re doing it, pal.

It's embarrassing when your waistband starts rolling down until your intestines are on the floor.

My DNA results are in. I'm 60% European and a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.

I dropped out of blind school because I saw better places for me to be.

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Welcome to the 2026 Winter RevLympics! Who will take the gold in tonight's frozen possum curling? Will the south side win again in the 1000 meter stolen car hood snow surf? God bless.

This day in history. 60. The apostle Paul was shipwrecked off the coast of Malta and was bitten by a viper and the viper died not he so the islanders thought he was a god and became Christians but when a budgie bit me and died the Church of Jim lost congregants which hardly seems fair really.

This day in history. 1964. The Australian aircraft carrier HMAS Melbourne collided with and sank Australian destroyer HMAS Voyager. After two Royal Commissions were held to investigate the incident the Melbourne collided with and sank American destroyer USS Frank E. Evans. Progress.

This day in history. 1450. Feast day of saint Julian the Hospitaller who murdered his parents in their sleep but it's fine with the church because he thought they were his wife and some dude.

People that take an overly fucking religious take on sex have never been my fucking people no matter how fucking attractive I found them

Woohoo woohoo

I'm always a little fucking disappointed when I smell weed at the fucking bar and it's not me

I'm out here fucking smoking on that shit that made Scooby Doo

At this fucking point my gloves are more tape and a fucking bargain with hockey gods than fucking protective equipment

I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does. Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.

Meth lab is short for method acting labradoodles.

[office canteen] coworker: I hope you don’t mind but I used your mug as mine’s dirty me: of course not, and I’m sure you don’t mind that as my wife has a headache I used yours instead

I lost a leg in a shark attack and I've taken up golf to rebuild my strength, what's yah handicap a mate asked..I've lost a bleedin leg..

On tonight’s episode of Chad Takes A Sleeping Pill, Chad takes a sleeping pill.

I’m awake but let’s not read too much into that

we have arrived at my favorite time of day It’s called fuck this shit o’clock

Searching for a darker place to hide.

Dropkicka en fascist om dagen, det är bra för magen!

Who up having coffee in their favorite coffin

Employee on phone: "OK, the time will be saying something like EST or UTC-5..." Me: "Man, I had a UTC last week and it was terrible" Staff: *embarrassed chuckles*

Another birthday, another tooth sacrificed to the birthday gremlin

Ooo

i'm rich, not in money or friendship or love, but a completely other secret thing you've never heard of.

they're feeding me to the kraken and i'm pretty indifferent about the whole thing

being a frog isn't all it's croaked up to be

- Are you lucky in love? - Yes, I’m single.

- I love the sparkle in your eyes. - It’s anxiety.

“AI is going to replace you.” I hope so. I can’t take this shit anymore.

i put my words out there for anyone to see and woo boy let me tell you i should not

Will dance for tacos.

I need a hero so i guess i better start doing hero shit

In reality, ''meow'' isn't always a request for food or belly rubs, many times it's just the cat saying ''well,well, well..''

The most attention-seeking of all camels is the dramadary.

Do people who eat cookie dough know that you can just bake that shit and eat an actual cookie?