If you’re seeing this post, it’s a sign from the Universe to do that thing you’ve been avoiding: Seeing this post.

He drinks a whisky drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a lager drink He drinks a cider drink He finally feels able to go into work on Monday morning

One minute they’re young and handsome with a cool car and the next, 15 years later, your husband’s securing a large house plant with a seat belt into a car seat.

Some days I’m Mr Hyde, other days I’m Mr Hyde.

One of the ways to tell that a glass is clean is that it never crosses your mind that there might still be some blood in it

ME: It’s taco time! The time for tacos. The time chosen specifically to eat tacos! HIM: Shouldn’t taco time be on a Tuesday? ME: Looks like someone’s got a Queso The Mondays HIM: *sigh*

Holiday decorating tip I saw yesterday: Repurpose your jack o'lantern and make it festive by adding a Santa hat or poinsettias. Me: Nothing screams Christmas 2025 like a moldy pumpkin with a hat.

When Carl accepted the role of the sand worm in the local production of Dune, he had no idea how low "low budget" could go. The regret was flowing.

I would suffer multiple internal server errors for you.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

You don’t suffer fools gladly? But sir, may I point out that you’re on social media voluntarily?

This day in history. 1963. On the same horrible day in Japan 450 people died in a coal mine explosion, 160 people died in a train crash, and 3,000 people attended a Kate Smith concert.

The sequel to The Breakfast Club is called The Early Bird Special Club.

Me: Yes! Early night! So tired. Body: It's too quiet. Here are some weird pains that could be a heart attack. Me: Stop. That's not a heart attack. Body: How about an adrenaline dump for no reason. Me: Seriously. Body: Mmm, anxiety... Me: I hate you.

Don't blame me blame quantum fluctuations in the very early universe.

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

Her: Were you just singing to the cat in an Ethel Merman voice? Me: You’re home early.

This day in history. 1962. The Canadian Mint restored the round shape of the 5-cent coin after complaints about the Ninja Star Nickel but kept the reverse side design featuring the queen fighting off an angry beaver.

Let's let bygones be blood feuds.

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

This day in history. 1988. A jury ruled that John Fogerty had not plagiarized the melody of one of his own songs, Run Through the Jungle, on the grounds that "That is not a melody."

Win every food fight by throwing dense frozen items.

“AI is going to replace you.” I hope so. I can’t take this shit anymore.

- Am I the only one who... - No, you're not the only one. Shut the fuck up.

her: have you been moisturizing? me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

naked Twister and discuss the finer points of The Big Lebowski?

maintain proper hydration by eating extremely spicy food

Have you ever ended up hating a fellow shopper just because you encounter them in every aisle? Grocery store entanglement is a bitch.

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

please stop saying “hot and heavy” in this sprint planning meeting

since i was a milk carton child i always wanted to grow up to find myself

Normalize loudly booing at children's plays

I like my coffee like I like my men, bitter and with a slightly unpleasant mouth feel

Fluke, marlin, krill.

Me: Just take a left here, but keep in mind there’s a difference between Ventura Blvd, Ventura Road, Ventura Hwy, and Ventura Ave. They’re all different. Them: So what street do I turn on? Me: Cahuenga.

As we move away from Halloween and towards winter, I can already tell this is going to be the best Seasonal Depression ever !!!

Does anyone know happened to the 📌 feed?

screw this, I'm building my own AI

If you love someone, set them free If they come back, make an STD test panel a prereq for your unconditional love

Don't blame Mercury in retrograde, followed by Beaver Moon for the lack of your common sense.

Friday, finally! Saturday, arrive! Sunday, don't leave! Monday, never come back!!!

I get all my cardio being an also ran.

On the outside I’m a houseplant. On the inside I’m photosynthesizing dark thoughts.

I'm it was ok for hockey games to end in ties years old.

How corrosive is ketchup on cheap gold plating?

Watching a video on YouTube. Guy doing a drone tour of Lahaina in Maui. Been 2+ years since the fire. Rebuild is in work but it's slow. Still breaks my fucking heart.

Help me. I've stumbled into a karaoke bar where a tone deaf Lou Reed is singing Danger Zone. It's either Lou Reed or Beck. Not exactly sure.

Rumor has it we will see snowflakes before the day is done. It's getting to mid November. Not unusual. Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

i really hate being the center of attention all the time *adjusts sombrero