Physically in this meeting. Mentally in bed. Spiritually stealing Anton's snacks like a raccoon.

Pro tip: Don’t purchase pets at the flea market.

You should apply for a job at the BunnyRanch. I hear they have lots of openings.

Class up your kegger by calling it a soirée.

Sorry, classic rock DJs. “Rocktober” is over. Maybe you can STFU now.

Captain, we’re about to enter the wormhole. Worm: Nope. Not on a first date.

“Come on, Fitzy, you can do better than this” he muttered to himself without basis.

Reverse cowgirl so I can subtly remove the “kick me” sign someone taped to your back

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

The easiest way to get rich is to hyphenate your last name. Seriously, do you know anyone named “Smythe-Follansbee” who doesn’t have millions?

“I’ll die on this hill.” - Frodo at Mount Doom

H. P. Lovecraft had a better name for writing porn than sci fi and horror. Just sayin’.

I’m not a fuckboy. I’m a flirtation sensation.

Instead of building a ship in a bottle I took a bottle on a ship. Now there’s a man overboard and I’ve been banned from Carnival Cruises for life.

Them: Eh, I know you have ADHD but how loud and distracting can your inner monolog be? My inner monolog:

I just assembled a Winnie the Pooh tea table and chair set. Now I have to live with what I've done.

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

Lab partner: How did you manage to set a glass beaker on fire? Me: It's not science if the fire truck doesn't show up. Lab partner: Your hair is smoking. Me: Thanks. Lab partner: Literally. Me: Science.

Boss: I need a second set of eyes on this report. Arachnid employee: Got you covered all day, boss.

it’s called a double negative maybe you’ve never not heard of it

You can spread my hot dog buns if you wanna

Why is there talk of how on earth they'll be able to bring James Bond back? 007 is a designation, like The Archbishop Of Canterbury. One drops, you pop in a new one.

I've not managed to see the life force emanating from trees, or aura borealis.

Change a letter. Make a singer more appealing. Girth Brooks

[walks into cafe] OH SO YOU HATE TEA???

I bring confusion to the table.

suspicious number of johnny cash fans on this website tbqh

when i found that our custard-like dessert had gone bad it was very off-pudding.

hot take: pancakes and waffles suck as far as breakfast goes (acceptable for breakfast for dinner) French toast rules

There’s a little too much going on, don’t think all this should happen all at once or at all!

Started drinking water out of a wine glass and now I smash my daily goal like some sort of reverse Jesus effect.

Some chick was arm in arm with a guy holding a white cane. They disappeared around the corner. Where was that blonde leading the blind?

I put the POS in shitposter

Madness takes its toll, Please have exact change ready..once inside don't suffer with insanity, enjoy every minute of it.

Say something weird<dont say anything

A chessboard, only it’s the ground floor of my house. Two players, only it’s not Fischer and Spassky. A strategy, only it’s not the Queen’s Gambit. Checkmate, only it’s my dog trapped under the kitchen table by the Roomba.

At least Eighty percent of the people who follow me have never read any of my posts and it shows.

Just got SO mad about a problem and then realized I caused it, a memoir

Just a super long esophagus in a trench coat.

For all the posts I discarded today, you’re welcome. For all the replies I did not, I’m sorry.

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

It's past my bedtime. Sleepy thought... empathy for yourself isn't the same as "feeling sorry for yourself." Be nice to you. Goodnight, freaks. I love you. 🩷✌🏽🐈‍⬛️

anyone who reposts this skeet gets a piece of my body to display on their mantle AFTER I die

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings. Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms. Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.

me: *sweeping arm across board scattering pieces everywhere* check and mate my opponent: you know this is monopoly right

Thank you for awakening my inner child. I hope you enjoy all the crying and tantrums.

Hear me out: A military comedy where one or a several who aren’t really oriented to discipline get recruited into a branch of the service & have the wackiest time getting through basic training but later pull off some major strategic win. I think it is an idea that will go far. Box office millions.

Aurora ft. satellite

the creepy marketplace seller is saying "c'mon through to the kitchen, just ignore that meat grinder haha" and I'm like man can't I just buy your novelty coasters from the front door here?

Y'all do know what goon means, right?