The trouble with getting anywhere on time is that there's never anyone around to appreciate it.

I'm quite a good ventriloquist, if my puppet does say so himself.

All these wankers whingeing about female commentators/ pundits: all you ever did before was whinge about the male ones so what exactly would you fucking like? Why don’t you just turn the sound down and do your own- that way it’ll be exactly the way you like it, you wetwipes.

QTP with a GIF of a powerful woman

Possibly the best line I’ve read on social media

QTP with a GIF of a powerful woman

QTP with a GIF of a powerful woman

I will love and adore every single Clactonite forever if they vote for Count Binface 🥰🥰😍

I see all the other candidates have dropped out of my pissing into the wind contest. They're just afraid of me ruffling the establishment's feathers. And possibly getting covered in piss.

Me: I'm a bit crabby today. Her: You could have told me before we started having sex.

Current listening pleasure..

what’s wrong with me why won’t food love me back

Consequence: The order you see pages on a phishing site

Very important statement On the Clacton-by-election To clear up matters for Everyone. Because we are politically neutral It would be wrong for us to Name any candidate who Favours CEEFAX returning And it would be Childish to find a way of Embedding a subliminal message here.

I'm a man of hidden talents, when someone finds one let me know please..

I'm living proof that my wife can take a joke..

The shortest line in the bible is: Jesus said, "Welp."

Yawning is just screaming for your morning juice

Todays ponder: If you ate pasta and then antipasta would you still be hungry🤔

#ASongOrMovieForWhatsDifficult BrokeTrack Mountain

Because I'm such a tart, I'm going to shamelessly push my novel, Cube on ya: Amazon: amzn.eu/d/0b6fr36k Waterstones: www.waterstones.com/book/cube/john-davies/9781837098156 Barnes and Noble: www.barnesandnoble.com/w/cube-john-... Ingram Spark: shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params...

Good moaning Bsky..Todays positive message for the masses; Laughter is the glue that binds friendships, it turns strangers into companions..

I'd like to introduce my life coach and/or spirit animal

When your neighbours ring the police on you for no reason & get done for wasting police time. He who laughs last laughs the… lol.

It’s a sad day when you’re glad you’ve a ring doorbell camera at your front door that records, that turns out to prove your innocence.

I'd like to introduce my life coach and/or spirit animal

I'm thinking of having just beer for dinner tonight. It'll be a 3 Coors meal.

It’s only a death trap if somebody’s trying to kill you.

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love and to cherish. After meeting my wife, I've changed my mind.

When I was a child, my parents didn’t like to see me upset, so when my Nan died, they didn’t tell me and just replaced her with an identical one.

what if we celebrate Halloween this Friday and again on October 31st, there’s no rule against this

It's coming from the south.

Anything can be music if it has a beat Anything can be eaten if you cook it right Anything can be art if you reframe it

On a positive note, while Trump is interfering with international football, he's not interfering with underage girls.

#InjuredBands Hurt Bacharach

NEW CEEFAUX ALERT (make your own noise)

BREAKING : Clacton is only two weeks away from having nukes!

The first sip of coffee and the last sip of coffee are two completely different drinks.

#ABarInASongOrMovie Red Rovers Return

Americans yesterday: Fuck yeah we’re gonna win the World Cup motherfuckers!!! Americans today: Soccer sucks. They’re like teenage boys that have been dumped by a girl… “I never liked her anyway. She was frigid. Probably a lesbian. Fuckin’ bitch.”

Sometimes I get a little sad, because there's probably something that deserves cheese that we've forgotten about

Kilroy was here. #sixwordstory

I propose we go back to the just trading stickers thing. Maybe we'll all be happier for it

I'm always resigning when I've done nothing wrong. You're probably the same 🙂 #farage

Lesson's you never learn as she prints the return labels out for TEMU again .

I'm stopping procrastinating, I'll start tomorrow.

I don't give a shit about plans for Nigel..

Time to be the the biggest and best blerr