Breaking: Trump designates Nobel a terrorist organisation.

So MAGA is PROFA?

🚨MAJOR BREAKING: The White House has announced the US Treasury will be producing $1 coins with President Trump's face. Problem: It’s completely ILLEGAL. Only portraits of deceased individuals are allowed on currency: 31 U.S. Code5114. Solution: simple execution if you think about it 🤷🏻‍♀️ #trumpcoin

@robynhitchcock.bsky.social @emmaswiftsings.bsky.social @ronsexsmith.bsky.social

Dickhead is doing standup now.

Sale of my house closed today. The money was deposited, withdrawn and deposited again. The only alert my phone received was for the withdrawal. So that was fucking fun 😵‍💫😡

Good morning sinners.

Naming your son Jesus or Mohammed is pretty arrogant if you ask me.

All the Indian dudes where I work think I invented “working hard or hardly working?“ They think I’m hilarious.😂😂😂

Say what you want about foreigners, but you can use your tired old one-liners on them and they think you’re brilliant. You even get them doing them. Try “another day in paradise” on them at work today. It kills!

All The Way To Reno #REMtransport

Had the chance to use the “pretentious? Moi?” retort this weekend and I didn’t take it. Still fucking livid with myself 😡😡😡

Those golf hooligans at it again I see 🙄.

Me: cats rule because they always keep themselves clean Also me: STOP FUCKING LICKING YOURSELF ALL THE FUCKING TIME ALL I HEAR IS LICK LICK LICK FUCKING LICK!!

Reply sent now view it to see how brilliant/ shit it looks in context.

Me: Yess, someone with 1500 followers rebleeted my bleet. Bound to get some likes now… Bluesky:

Brilliant businessman accidentally gives employees 7-month paid vacation.

Take me back to the days when the thought of me shitting my pants at school was my main source of anguish.

Get this Charlie! It's stopped! It's crashing terrible! Oh my, get out of the way, please! All the folks agree that this is terrible, this is one of the worst catastrophes in the world! And oh, he’s climbing, oh, 4, 5 maybe 20 steps. It's a terrific crash, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, the humanity!!

Be unalgorithmable.

And he calls everyone else “losers”

Thanks @quickbooksca.bsky.social for changing your forms. They were easy before but I really appreciate the extra steps when invoicing and receiving payments now 🙄

Make Guillotines Great Again.

Charlie Kirk’s wife: “I will never let your legacy die” Also her (same speech): “Only love can conquer hate”

Trump: "Hepatitis B again, that's sexually transmitted, and I think you should wait until12. You know, I'm making these statements from me. I'm not making them from these doctors ... I talk about a lot of common sense." 12. This is one sick fuck. #WakeUpAmerica #PedoPresident

So we’re having a debate over free speech now?

Let’s just divide north America into two regions. Canada can be liberal and America can be conservative. All the libtards in Canada and all the right wing douchebags move/ stay in America. Would work. Let’s goooo!!

People I call “boss”: •guy at literally every take-away •guy at petrol station •guy at corner shop •guy where I get my oil changed •guys I don’t know in various places I go to for work •guys who come over to do work on my house •random passers by People I don’t call “boss”: •my actual boss

Was waiting at set of lights in town yesterday and saw this woman walk up to a guy, pause briefly and hand him a hammer, barely breaking stride. He in turn kind of shrugged and went off in the direction from which she came. I’m sure it was nothing and nobody got their skull caved in or anything 😵‍💫

Clap on 👏🏻👏🏻 Clap off👏🏻👏🏻

"Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech." -Benjamin Franklin

If only the question knew what “Antifa” meant, I feel like it might be able to answer itself.

Would you like Freedom Fries with that irony burger?

Who put FLOTUS in sleep mode?

I’m the one your mother warned you about. *I’m a paramedic and see a lot of dirty underwear

30 billion dollars investment in what what what? Oh this is exciting. Maybe it’s housing. Maybe it’s healthcare. Maybe it’s mental health or education!! *reads article* Oh. They’re investing in Ai. Fucking brilliant.

This Morning Me: I’ve got a serious bone to pick with you Last Night Me: Yeah? How about you shove that bone up your arse, dickhead. And who says “serious bone to pick with you”? Fuckin’ wanker. Morning me (to self): god I love Last Night Me 😔

I double dog dare Trump to release the Epstein files. No… I TRIPLE DOG DARE HIM!!!!!! (he has the brain of an 8 year old in the 80s so I fully expect him to take this seriously in which case he’ll be impeached by Wednesday)

I’m waiting for my nan. #cantbearsedtodoahastag

Corn chips 👍🏼 Corn tortillas 👎🏼 I make my own rules 🖕🏼

Humans pronouncing words correctly is something we will always have over Ai. *every single person on the planet outside the uk saying Worcestershire sauce excluded.

Cannonball is a poor man’s Divine Hammer.

Wanking In The Wild #SwapTwoLettersButTheSongStillMskesSense open.spotify.com/track/1WWDIz...

Fall On em #SwapTwoLettersButTheSongStillMakesSence

Dairy Of A Dope Fiend #SwapTwoLettersButTheSongStillMakesSense

Untied We Stand #SwapTwoLettersButTheSongStillMakesSense

Brainstorm #SwapTwoLettersButTheSongStillMakesSense