Being an airline pilot is like being both a cool bus driver and a lame astronaut.

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

ME: what’s for dinner KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

[gentle voice] babe. babe, wake up- i made you some hotel room coffee with sink water

Imagine this: it’s your 80th birthday. You look back satisfied with life. You’re surrounded by people who love you. The Hamburglar is there.

Popeye’s chicken? Better not let Popeye hear you say that.

[american civil war] soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Thought the first base coach was there to teach the team how to kiss.

i dont think im annoying enough i should become a mime

I waste all my bravery eating expired food

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back

only baby boomers will get this: pensions

I’ve been carpooling for three weeks and I’m really starting to miss crying in the parking lot.

when u name a baby jack the ripper what did u think was gonna happen

la croix drinkers only want one thing and it's their money back

[abruptly stops beatboxing] I do.

pressing salami slices in a book as if they were flowers

Tried living my best life. Bail is set at $100,000

Treating myself tonight by eating over the nice sink.

The person who invented the video game joystick has disappeared, they down right up and left.

always terrifying when no one is there to bless you and you're just racking up unblessed sneezes

Motown implies the exsistence of Larrytown & Curlytown

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

[concert] singer: (shouting) i can’t hear you me: (shouting back) it’s because of the music

*most depressed I’ve ever been* Pepsi is fine.

ME: are pets allowed? UBER DRIVER: of course! ME: *strokes his hair*

*gives a thumbs up to the crowd as I'm lifted out of the claw machine at the mall again

i just finished baby proofing the apartment [rattles locks] no way they're getting back in

Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?

I didn’t grow up in the wild, but I was raised by a family who used margarine containers as Tupperware.

Inviting my boss to my adult baptism so he can finally meet my uncles.

Their goal is to make you feel shitty. Fight back by feeling slightly less shitty than they want you to

Every day I read about the worst new thing I could ever imagine and then I have a nice breakfast

Ice cream trucks should cruise around playing soft jazz at 2 AM

My many enemies will be pleased to know that I have once again become entangled in a bead curtain

There should be 2 AM ice cream trucks that play smooth jazz

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

Sorry I can’t go to your wedding my puppet has scurvy

Going outside but shaking my head the whole time so people know I don’t agree with what’s going on

every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

Someone interrupted me mid mutter in the break room now I’ve gotta start my muttering again from scratch 😒

Impossible to know if someone is playing a harmonica correctly

Can’t get in a comfortable writhing position today

Cows can't walk down stairs, which explains why so many of them have accumulated in my attic

There should be a little stall at the end of the drive-through car wash where you can buy a souvenir photograph of yourself enjoying the ride.

Stayed up til 4am filling in a 40-page quiz to find out what kind of hedgehog I am (answer: normal hedgehog)

my brain: hey walk into the kitchen me: ok now what my brain: idk lol

My chihuahua's basically a tiny cartel kingpin who's scared of the rain.

Hey does anybody know what to do

hey hedge hogs how about leave a little hedge for the rest of us