Him: Reading brings us to unknown friends. Her: That’s Balzac Him: No, it’s true.

The “shhh” phenomenon is wild. One stranger makes the noise and suddenly we all remember we have manners.

I do not know who my “second cousin thrice removed” is. That sounds like a criminal charge.

In 2026 I’m inventing my own language. It’s going to throw each of you for a loopenschtein.

[after watching a video of an unlikely friendship between a border collie and a crow] everything’s gonna be alright after all

nobody at the funeral appreciated my rendition of mmm bop on the kazoo

AI will walk me through repairing a toilet. Meanwhile I’m staring at the toilet like it’s a wild animal that will attack if I move too fast.

ChatGPT can tell me how to fix anything, but it can’t give me the courage to touch the breaker box.

I asked AI how to fix my sink. It gave me eight perfect steps. I got stuck at Step 1: Locate the shutoff valve.

Remember having a mailman? A neighborhood character. A minor hero. Now it’s a rotating cast of Amazon ghosts and I can’t even learn one name.

Everyone’s forgetting what day it is between Xmas and New Year’s. I know exactly what day it is: the day no Amazon package gets delivered to my doorstep. Tragedy.

Recently Dead People Who Have Me Heartbroken: *David Lynch *Gene Hackman *Val Kilmer *George Wendy *Rob Redford/Reiner *Sam Moore *Brian Wilson *Ozzy *Tom Lehrer *Pope Francis *Bob Ueker *Hulk Hogan *James Lovell *Jane Goodall *Ace Frehley *James Watson Thanks for your contributions to mankind.

I think I’m gonna quit posting on threads, because I get zero likes there, and start posting here exclusively. I get zero likes on here, too, but it feels better here because you people are a better class of losers.

No thanks, liquor store martinis. I prefer mine made live at the bar, where the only thing getting cut is the small talk, not my hand on that plastic “security” tab.

Full respect to Terry Fox, but the uncomfortable truth is: we’re not inspired by the cause until the method hurts. We’re a species that needs the struggle highlighted in fluorescent marker before we pay attention.

I can’t stand these people who make millions off of social media, like influencers, because all they’re doing is broadcasting and bragging to the world “Hey! look at me!! I’m unemployed!!!” Losers. Good luck in life.

I hope when I die and my family goes through my phone to pick photos for my memorial, they look in photo albums I created titled “Family Vacations,” “Charity Work,” and “For My Funeral,” not “Naughtiness,” “Don’t Look In Here,” and “DELETE IMMEDIATELY UPON DEATH!”

I was told to keep 5–10 years of receipts, so I’ve built a paper museum that only opens twice a year to ruin my entire afternoon as I sort and file the accumulated pile.

[shoving yeats into a locker] how’s the gyre fuckass

I’ll miss entire plot twists doomscrolling during a recorded TV program, but I always fast forward through the commercials. I’ll be damned if I accidentally absorb a Buick ad.

Who called it “wintry mix” instead of “wet hate.”

Somewhere in my house is a beeping device with infinite battery life and a personal vendetta.

I just asked someone what day it is, and they said “ham,” which felt right.

These days the word kinky is more descriptive of my neck and back than my sexual exploits.

one foot in a fairy tale, and the other in the abyss

who called it wind chill instead of holy fucking shit what the fuck

An unattractive woman asked for my phone number today outside a restaurant, so I gave her a fake. I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.

I thought I was playing footsies with my partner but it turns out we have a rodent problem

A raccoon paused mid-dumpster raid to look at me like he was evaluating my résumé. Didn’t say a word. Just nodded. Felt like a job offer.

The best way to resolve conflict is to take a deep breath then vanish into the woods.

I prefer to call it "keeping secrets from myself" instead of "forgetting"

make today your BEST day for the shareholders

I've prepared the ceremonial pool of lime jello. Jump in at your leisure.

lava is the scientific term for earth gravy

I’m so touch deprived, I’m about to tell every cop I come across that I may have drugs on me somewhere.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of roughly 3-5 people

sisyphus getting a treadmill for christmas

New Year’s resolution to only repost myself.

Christmas came, gifts were opened, and none of you got funny.

(at the ren faire) where is ye olde porne shoppe

I'm at an age where I'm only 80 percent sure that this is indigestion.

I once had a job repairing seesaws. It had it's up and downs.

spaghetti night is a completely different experience in the void

I just worry Frog and Toad might be settling for each other

The placebo effect was named after John Placebo, who loved effects

My phone just autocorrected “I’m fine” to “Release me.”

Wow your fridge opens itself that's like the opposite of what I need

The amount that I am snacking is everyone's fault but my own. I didn't buy these snacks. Or suggest we get together.

Another way AI leads to suicide is that hearing people talk about it makes you want to jump into a jet engine

Sorry officer, I assumed you turned on your lights just to be festive.