For Caturday, Lulu suggested I spend at least 6 hours grooming. (Also 16 hours napping)

Pro tip. Go to bed early to miss all the drama.

People always say "pick your poison". But I don't want poison - I want chocolate. What idiot chooses poison?

*Meow* This is my caturday post

“safety in numbers” i whisper, while filling my purse with donuts

I can never walk past a sugar maple without saying I’d tap that

if you have a lifesize stuffed horse inside your shop and a sign that says "do not touch the horse" imma make it my life's work to steal that horse i will plan it like a heist & i will ocean's eleven that badboy right out the door under my coat

You can be anything you want. Be a set of glowing eyes in the darkness. Be a terror in the deep. Be a cosmic horror slumbering in a star, worshipped by millions from afar.

How I feel when someone blocks me.

Don’t let today go by without saying I love you to your typo

Every time I see a blue Subaru, I sing a little “Blubaru” song à la Van Halen.

To whom shall I bequeath my drafts folder?

LEEROOYYYYYY JENKINNNNNNNNNNNNS

real quick…fuck this shit

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be supportive. Say stuff like, “Nice battling, dude.”

I’m a superhero. No further questions.

Your daily affirmation: Life is about finding perspective. Even procrastination and sleepiness can be considered superpowers if looked at a certain way.

je me parlais à moi-même mais ça ne me dérange pas

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have squirrels to feed" sounded a lot more badass in my head

My doctors suck. I’m gonna put together a crackerjack out-of-network team. Dr. Pepper Dr. Strange Dr. Who Dr. Girlfriend Dr. Seuss Dr. Bombay Dr. Teeth

considering having a good idea

they need to make an Internet that lets me share sunshine

“Imminent.” You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Find yourself someone who salutes your red flags.

Greg Davies: Alex, will you read the task again? Alex: push the boulder onto the yoga mat on the top of that hill. There’s nothing in there that says you can’t bring the yoga mat to the boulder at the bottom of the hill. We’ve asked Susie Dent— Sisyphus: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

the thing about turning off your brain is its amazing you should try it sometime

Let me be your half empty glass

“You look familiar.” I don't even go outside so why are you lying..

Superman realizing he doesn’t have any pockets, shoving his cell phone into the waistband of his red external underwear, resigning to it just sticking halfway out.

Post a GIF that represents you the best

heavy on the bass drum, has my heart

Much like a succulent, I too thrive on neglect.

I would do anything for love But I won't do that (engage with people outside my phone)

Them: What makes a good friend? Me: Finds your delusions charming Let’s you sing on road trips Encourages my dreams

I hate beets

My posts aren't bad, they're just preemptively good.

Quartz may be a common thing, but I believe it beautiful none the less.

More than 20 years ago. I was just a boy of four or five. The leaves were so dark and green then. The grass smelled sweet with the spring wind.

lmao nice attachment to earthly desires bro, suffer for it much?

I’m not the same woman that bought these fucking rice crackers.

I might be the Bubba Gump of backgammon.

I am calling for a moratorium on all shitty, trivial, and/or redundant hot takes for the foreseeable future. Thank you for your understanding and support.

Hamlet was really cooking when he said "O, that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a goo"

I’m not a great skeeter, but at least I have cheese to console myself.

I think I’m single because I like my pillow fort more than I like meeting people. I’m sure that’s the only reason.

I’m fucking hilarious. I will die on this hill.

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

Exfoliating with the spiciest packet of ramen seasoning I could find.

all kibbles imply corresponding bits