still enjoying the birthday present i got myself one year ago

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to procrastinate today

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

“You’re radiant” thanks, it’s anxiety sweat

I can’t even imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Today I was loading tools into my truck at my workshop and a lady stopped her car, got out and said that she loved all the pride stuff in my yard. Then she hugged me. Made my day/week/year 🥲

I scream, you scream, we’re all screaming my god make it stop

I had a good River Lethe joke, but i forgot it.

I think 4pm is a perfectly fine time to start drinking when one is on vacation

How I think about my character VS How I play my character

Getting ready for D&D night by listening to the Scooby-Doo theme song

Who are your favorite sitcom roommates?

Is there a day ranger

Now you can easily learn other terms ending with •rrhea. Runny nose is rhino•rrhea. Rhinorrhea.

We finally ditched that ratty old living room carpet after 30 years. Gone but not floorgotten.

Why's it called experiencing sunrise at a landfill and not feeling dawn in the dumps?

(after sex) goes outside and takes a long drag off the hazy sky

explosive diarrhea? shingles don't care

Drop something monochromatic

saw that a toilet paper is using starship's 'we built this city' for their commercial and that's the perfect use of that shitty song

del taco is the superior mexican fast food chain to taco bell

Anything.

Oh look I spent 7,654,900 hours on my phone on average last week Thank you apple for your judgey AF updates

People don’t say fee fie fo fum anymore and that’s just sad

Sometimes, I play classical music to make my OCD rituals feel more dramatic.

my solution to everything today is gonna be put it in the dishwasher

People join a gym for lots of reasons, mine was the heavily subsidised bar.

we should be allowed to just stick a luggage tag on kids and collect them from the airport conveyor belt at the other end

Post Romantic Stress Disorder ---caused by marriage.

Do you ever just…. ya know… think about potatoes?

keep your shit together I tell myself knowing I probably won’t

birds wake up screaming bc they’re empaths

i can’t close these they’re my emotional support tabs

GoFondueMe

I need a GoFundMe for the fancy cheeses I can't afford right now. I NEED the fancy cheeses.

"Thinking about you," I say with my hand stuck inside a Pringles tube.

Start of murder mystery or cooking: "There's two chicks in the fridge marinating."

Things Bsky taught me this week: 1. How to spell diarrhea correctly.

*mutes diarrhea* Tired of this shit.

Tonight's mood

I love all of you because people IRL rarely get my jokes And you sometimes do

Excuse me while I kiss the Bluesky

For the next World Cup, players should be outfitted like fencers so our electronic gods can tell us where - and if - they've been touched in the awarding of free kicks and penalties.

Listen. They have so much to say.

Glad to see other gnomes branching out. Lookout all you giants! One day you could have a gnome in your hole

some people are good at relationships some people are good at gynecology I’m good at making every situation as awkward as possible

Mountain lions don’t usually stalk people. [mountain lion likes all my Instagram posts from 2017] That’s a red flag.

The Velcro on my LA Gears keeps grabbing my parachute pants.

Three Farts Outside Ebbing, Missouri The Killing of a Sacred Fart Farters on a Train

I’ll never forget the day my son came home from grade school beaming with pride. Son: Dad, the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who knew the answer. Me: Great! What was the question? Son: “Who farted?”