The kid who rang up my booze on Christmas Eve raises praying mantises. One is named Alpha and the other Beta. He catches crickets to feed them. I used to be his little league coach. I’d like to think I had something to do with this.

Someone please explain Boxing Day. When do we start throwing hands?

For when nothing but a little burlap will do

Make a Bond movie casual Pewterfinger

Make a Bond movie casual The Spy Who Hugged Me

In honor of Boxing Day, I will play Mike Tyson's Punch Out and then spend the rest of the day TKO'ed.

I look for the Hitchcock cameo in every one of your posts

I think today is Buttxing Day

“We should call our duo Savage something. Any ideas?” “Savage Wall” “What? No.” “Savage Chair” “Dude, are you just looking at stuff and saying it?” “…” “Lazy asshole. I’m going outside to the garden.” (both make eye contact) (In unison) “Savage Backyarden!”

You said you'd call later. You didn't. 💔

"Read it in my latest substack" Ummm NO

(wearing a plain black tee to work) Not today, I'm redacted

Today's Fx brought to to by cataracts and THC.

Cognitive Test: Mating silverware correctly in each slot in the silverware drawer.

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” —- Geddy Lee, et. al.

Let’s all raise a final toast to making the same stupid decisions next Christmas

cerebral fart(tm)

we need a Disney princess who says fuck this Disney kingdom

Every time I hear a helicopter, I start deleting my browser history.

Happy Quissamiss to me. I got masterpiece 3P Octane. (Or Unique Toys Y-01 Provider) I transformed him from tanker truck to robot. I haven’t done the plane yet.

Happy Discount Advent Calendar Day, for those who celebrate.

Welcome to your 50's boys, your bladder now complies with the government's low-flow water fixture policy.

Not all heroes wear capes

Make a Bond movie casual You only marry twice

*me waking up* wait, I posted WHAT yesterday?

I hope January carries the pace of December. It must wrap it up real quick.

Whenever I’m at a bar, I like to sit in a seat directly under a TV playing some sort of sports game so I can pretend like a bunch of SportsBros are cheering for me while I eat my mozzarella sticks.

What the hell?

My energy today is mostly decorative.

When my grown-ass children ripped me away from Bluesky yesterday, insisting for some adulting, I was dragged to the living room to watch Die Hard, dine on nachos and Christmas cookies (iced molasses), and play Lie, Cheat and Steal (an old board/card game). *wipes tear* I raised them right.

The 2 wolves inside me invited their family over for Xmas, and now I have 15 wolves in me. And they’re drinking all my booze.

Today’s band name: The Three Wise Guys

Just 365 days until Christmas

Some are born great, some achieve greatness . . . some of us post shit on social media.

The only thing worse than grown ass adults spreading false bullshit rumors about others online, is other grown ass adults believing them.

I have to work a half day tomorrow morning Dis some straight up rancid 🐂 💩 if you ask me

Choosing a new porn alias but Philip K. Dick is already taken.

Why can't we follow accounts more than once?!? I would follow @fauxnewdalt.bsky.social at least three times just for using "pulchritudinously" in alt text! 🖤💯

My wife loved the priceless Renaissance painting I got her for Christmas. “Good,” I said, “because now I’m Baroque.”

Your honor, she didn't understand the rules.

My Christmas spirit is usually vodka even though rum is more festive

Me: [gets a hippopotamus for Christmas] My cat (staring at his litter box): wtaf

Tiny Tim, who DID NOT die, fled through the desert while the gunslinger followed.

🖤✨

Was filled with so much Christmas spirit, I had to wake up and pee twice last night

My Christmas bush 🎄💚✌️

Gentle reminder for my new followers 🫶