The Natural Theme, only it's different shots of me eating bacon.

Email from landlord riddled with typos. “premisis” “dammage” “mesh lab”

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of roughly 3-5 people

Tbf, if a rat crawled under my hat and started controlling me, I wouldn’t even care. Take the wheel, rat daddy

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

I arrive at the restaurant in my usual blind date attire: leather pants, no shirt, Bane mask

Always keep a small piece of chalk in your pocket lest you run out of tums or fall down and die.

I WILL NOT BE SHAMED INTO AGREEING THAT THREE FROZEN WAFFLES IS THREE SERVINGS. WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY

All hammered up on wassail

I fear January so much more than I fear death

omen of the day: saw a full Santa Claus riding a motorcycle

another winter solstice in the books: stood by a roaring bonfire under a spontaneous meteor shower between a wizard and a talking owl

Slept ten hours last night and now I understand quantum mechanics

The Grinch is wearing me around like a backpack. Odd smell to this fellow

Please keep your sugar plums in the upright and locked position

Happy holidays, pals! No matter what happens over the next few days, don’t drink the snow globe juice

Hmm I should probably start my Christmas shopping

Merry Christmas from Bramble who has decided to curl up in the laundry while I do the washing up

Mrs Schrödinger: [*opening Christmas present*] Schrödinger: [*nervous glance to camera*]

My Christmas wish for you is to find someone to love as much as Cricket loves ornaments

It's ok to collapse into an emotional heap in the middle of aisle 7 at the grocery store, they can't arrest you for that (but they may try)

Scroll in heavenly peace.

It is Christmas day in the year of our Lord 2025, and the high temperature forecasted in my city on this day is 72 degrees Fahrenheit. Shit's fucked up

think I will go sit in a comfy corner chair for most of the day; perhaps with an unintentional Joker smile

Can't I return home for a single holiday without being challenged to a dance-off by my old crosstown rivals?

Kinda fucking with me this morning that I'm 5 years away from the age that George Harrison was when he died

INSECTS DON'T HAVE LUNGS

me: thank you them: no, thank you me: (right in their face) no no, thank you and do not test me on this

The only DM that fooled me was a fake account of my state's governor who opened with, "Shawty what that thang do" and of course I accepted it because I am active in politics

Calling my seasonal depression symptoms Blue’s Clues Holiday Special

What if I told you the bells weren't actually jingling. What if I told you that's how they scream.

The Cracker Barrel thing was THIS YEAR. We have three more years of this shit. Anybody who makes it to 2028 without looking like Nosferatu will be required by the state to start a skincare brand.

Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.

If you're enjoying these words, you might enjoy some of the other words that there are

Just when I think I could not possibly be more tired of being alive, a new day dawns

That Beach Boys song “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” Except it wouldn’t, and you know it so you don’t bother asking.

I knew a guy who would buy knit winter caps and cut the poms off

I have reached the life stage where I derive joy from the acquisition of a set of salt and pepper shakers

I like to start by doing nothing and then somehow make it less efficient

[waking up]: fucking balls

Ted Cruz is thinking about running for prez again. Great news for me, someone who enjoys watching dumb cunts embarrass themselves.

I think I've got enough in the bank to pay an assassin to take me out

i wish a motherfucker would (have a lovely day)

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

At that awkward age, between being born and dying.

I would rather be punched in the dick repeatedly by Wolverine than listen to conference call chitchat before the facilitator joins

it's been about 20 minutes of nothing but gratuitous hardcore sex and I'm beginning to think I rented the wrong Die Hard