Big day for me. A box I've been saving for over 3 years was just perfect for something

"orange you glad I-" No shut up

Getting bullied by online learning at work again

Sweetest boy

Made a snack with available items in the fridge and called it a "lil pizza toasty," you'll be able to find the recipe on page 13 of the manifesto I will eventually leave behind

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

I have a vague memory of getting drunk at the Tupperware party and trying to flush a ham down the toilet

Noel Gallagher once referred to his brother Liam as "a man with a fork in a world of soup" No notes

Nothing scarier than hearing someone speak another language. Are you casting a spell

so at this point i'm basically a communist i say out loud to the entire subway car taking me to my advertising job

uh oh i can hear dishes getting put away loudly… better not go in there

Tylenol Durden is this anything

Ever try to give gentle sweet pets to a cat and they simply turn around and walk away bc what they were looking for was vigorous butt scratches? That's what it's like to make friends in your 40s

Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall

White people love a reenactment

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

[funny post re: rapture]

fog is an especially romantic type of cloud

The Just for Men must be working. Got carded buying beer for some kids!

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

My sight grows dim with age, wait *turns on kitchen light* false alarm

Calling in to work raptured tomorrow

Do you have to be outside to be raptured like will you hit the ceiling or

Look just let me caress your soft skin with my calloused hands as we breathe in the scent of decaying leaves ok

It's funny how a smell or a taste can take you right back to the exact moment that you assassinated John F. Kennedy

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

Mood 🍂

Have you tried turning it off and never turning it on again?

The latest rapture is scheduled for tomorrow, meanwhile I'm looking at the sky and hoping a jet engine falls out of it

Kimmel's ratings tomorrow finna be 🔥🔥🔥🐦‍🔥🐦‍🔥🐦‍🔥

I'm in the sub-prime of life!

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Oh no the construction equipment rapture is apparently ahead of schedule

let's spend the beautiful golden autumnal equinox indoors online together

i gotta do stuff and acquire things

babe can you pour me a chocolate milk, yes the ass glass please

Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days https://theonion.com/newborn-loses-faith-in-humanity-after-record-6-days-1819573929/

I don't do plastic Christmas trees. And Halloween? REAL SKELETONS.

The bay leaf is the tequila worm of cooked foods

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

What's cool is graduating from college 30 years ago and still having anxiety dreams about not getting your degree because you missed a final exam

Coffee taste like burrito because beans

warning: if you piss me off, i will walk quietly through a field of wildflowers

Looking up serial killer salary ranges on Glassdoor

When someone doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore that’s fine, there’s only so much I can pay my friends

I'll personally convert to the stupidest evangelical religion if everybody that doesn't get raptured on the next projected date agrees that it means they're definitely going to hell, so we can all just be cool and enjoy ourselves. Except me, I guess. I'll be out bothering people for Jesus

“Trix are so dangerous we won’t even give them to rabbits!”

everything in the world is bad. except him