*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

what if we made out, but it was cake

I've run out of time to do anything the right way.

i didnt drop it like its hot i dropped it because im clumsy

I think that’s enough of raw-dogging life, going forward I’m leaning heavily into LSD.

Never forget: Cries rhymes with fries.

"Read em and meep boys." Beaker playing poker.

Tomorrow is 11/11 if we all wish for it to happen, maybe it will

DONALD TRUMP: [asleep, drooling on long red tie] SENATE DEMOCRATS: fine, we give in

ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOVED, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS.

lol she got his ass and he knows it

This day in history. 1917. The new Russian government under Lenin suspended freedom of the press temporarily for let me check exactly 106 years so far.

John Fetterman is like if you asked AI to make an unlikable American Shrek.

Happy There Is A Circulatory System Walking Through The Kitchen Day to all who celebrate.

Darth Vader has assured Lando Calrissian that Princess Liea and Chewbacca will be left under his supervision in Cloud City and that's good enough for Chuck Schumer.

Ripe avocados are a myth

Listen, we didn't ask for a hot and sensitive Frankenstein monster but we certainly deserved one.

For your own mental health always take mixed signals as a no

Me irl

Showing myself a good time 😉😏 (eating snacks alone in bed)

Woke up at 5 to get an early start on being tired

I’m in no one’s skirkle cuz I hate you all

There is coconut oil all over my phone screen, no time for questions!!!

I always wear latex gloves when I chop jalapenos due to an unfortunate fingering incident with my wife back in 2007.

Wasted a good skeet on weekend Bluesky again Fml

This life crisis is mid

it’s nice to mute you too

I think I’m the asshole guys and I could not give a fuck less

I lost the method to my madness.

Reveal yourself and I’ll moot you ifn you should so mind to

Drinkin lol. And you guys, really. Thank fuck we have each other

Come talk to me while I’m drunk lol ngl.link/jez12

My online girlfriend and I have been sexting so much she got pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

What a slut.

[my grandpa in his 40s] i am so proud of what ive accomplished in my life [me in my 40s] oh wow funerals cost a lot i should take up ditch digging

I’ve been killing so many flies with my bug-a-salt that my patio is very well seasoned now.

My five year plan? Probably just to say, “I’m really not feeling it today,” 1,825 times.

i don't mind karma because im not a horrible human being

Give us Lord our daily fiber. Forgive us our diets' lack of fruits and vegetables. Save us from the leftover Halloween candy. Now and Later, Good & Plenty. Amen.

"The day NYC elects a Muslim Mayor will be the day I die." --Dick Cheney probably

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” -MLK, Jr.

Ooh yeah pour that hope all over me, baby

@enabler.bsky.social show this to Clement lol

Come on Matt, standards are for Democrats. Republicans are just cultural passengers - rudderlessly adrift in a sea of not-wokeness. You can't expect them to have agency.

😏

I'm finding it hard to keep myself uninformed.