I am proof that not having any screen time as a child does not help anything

We all know things would be different if things were different.

The most annoying sound in the world? Gotta be the beating heart under the floorboards. We get it. We’re haunted by our conscience and slowly going mad. It’s been done!

For Whom the Guy Replies

Keeping it casual by circling the same thought, like a vulture.

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

I think it's about time we put the next four years behind us.

The person who named the fireplace was just fucken sick of naming things

do i believe in the afterlife? i don't even believe in this one..

sometimes I’ll just grab a fuckin orange and make juice with my mouth idgaf

I hope 2026 sucks as much as this year did. I really hate change

Grocery store names in other states sound so made up

Just got a front end alignment and tire rotation from my psychiatrist.

Ftr I have never sung, sha-la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la tee-da

Moray eels are the Gary Buseys of the oceans

are you a muppet? you legally have to tell me if you are.

They say revenge is a dish best served up cold, and they say revenge is sweet. So basically, revenge is ice cream.

Epic levels of don’t wanna.

First date idea: we get into a knife fight

I need a zero consequence day. Just one.

The most comforting thing about physics is that it explains what you're doing there without all the what am I even doing here

Thought I saw a delicious pizza in the creek, shimmering up at me, but it turned out to be fool’s pizza—a big disc of iron pyrite that just looked like pizza, & tasted, at best, like a stale focaccia.

Only Judge Judy can judge me

I'd like to not discuss or hear about Die Hard ever again.

Hm, don't care for all these bad posts by people who suck

Today's vibe is tachycardia.

It's bad enough working the day after Christmas but being expected to act like I care seems excessive.

shitposting for a brighter tomorrow

Whoever has my voodoo doll, could you make it laugh?

Why wooden I be? - Pinocchio

We have officially entered the void (December 25th to December 31st)

YOU MUST TOUCH SOMETHING SOFT TO HAVE STRENGTH TO WIN A RIGHTEOUS BATTLE.

(daft punk One More Time voice) Auld Lang Syne

dropping your pussy down the stairs like a slinky

"nobody is alone on christmas" no i am. by choice. please don't take this from me.

get in loser, we have more regrets to make before the year is out

Toyotathon started as a pagan holiday

I don’t flirt, I just say stupid shit until someone gets a boner about it

(to the tune of The Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh) 🎵 BACON AND EGGS 🎵

dont spit on the ground, the dirt in your yard is slowly developing a taste for humans. thats how sink holes happen.

A Christmas miracle is getting up from wrapping presents on the floor.

Ok now everyone be good and go to bed or Baby Jesus is gonna come kick your ass

Imagine having a super tough shift down at Nakatomi Plaza then having to go home to chase Urkel off your daughter

Super Mario Fuckers is this anything?

emotional availability, as a bit

Social media is all downhill for the rest of the day after this post 😂

Sorry I couldn’t think of any dick jokes for your birthday this year, Jesus

There was no nutritional information on the box, so I’m assuming the serving size of this lemon meringue pie was one pie.