Condiments are my favorite food group.

Due to some kind of miscommunication, a friend brought us a six pack of bears.

Before google maps you just had a buddy in another car who said “follow me” then proceeded to run a late yellow at the next intersection.

One man's trash is another man.

Yippee! <derogatory >

The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

I've tried super cool stairwell fights and elevator fights and I will tell you nothing beats going up and down, regardless of getting to walk away straightening your tie and unmussing your hair

Get autism the normal way, off of a toilet seat.

Ooh I thought you said “rad wife”

When I'm not here you might find me tearing it up over on Zillow or maybe crying in the bathroom.

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

Me irl

I think I'd be excellent in a coma.

One of the questions I get asked the most as a middle aged man with a guitar is " Why don't you fuck off?".

Sometimes it's not about the destination, but the sinkhole that opened up and swallowed everything down into infernal darkness along the way.

I just masturbated twice in the span of 30 minutes and I gotta say I have no idea why Christians make such a big deal about the second coming.

Funny, I don't feel raptured.

Mitigate the risk of an agonizing decision by taking a half-measure that kicks the can down the road.

I don’t know why I bought all these cans of worms but I guess I’ll open one and see what happens.

Once again I’ll reconstruct my entirety from my better parts.

i muted the word rapture and most of my timeline disappeared, which is a sort of rapture in and of itself

Reporting in: unraptured

more like crapture amirite

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she decides to burn your house down

I’ll reply to your post 10 months after the fact, without hesitation, I am built like that

This day in history. 1823. The angel Moroni revealed a golden book written in Egyptian hieroglyphics to Mormon founder Joseph Smith. You can't make this stuff up but Smith could.

I didn't lose my mind, it's free derange.

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

Maybe the rapture already happened but nobody ascended cuz we’re all kinda shit?

Rapture arms around me

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

I don’t care, I’m wearing a bikini until I’m in my 90s and everyone will just have to suffer.

The masses have been opiated

His Internet went out so he's shitposting in the streets.

detox tremors, just to feel something

I've imagined shower arguments you people wouldn't believe...

kids, are you getting your daily allowance of lead

How Soon Is Now - The Smiths

Looking up serial killer salary ranges on Glassdoor

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

pumpkin spice mustache rides

Friendly woman: "I like your shirt." Me: "I am damaged beyond all repair."

i put the ‘me’ in Parmesan cheese

i had a nightmare that i stopped people pleasing and no one hated me. scary stuff.

get back in your goon cave, it’s only Sunday

The enemy of my enemy honestly has their own reasons i don’t know if I really condone them and the enemy of my friend maybe has a valid point and honestly experiences are unique and heavily dependent on context my back hurts.

Hermit girl autumn