Getting a drunk text is the sincerest form of flattery.

Gummy bears now with real bear!

Hey just chilling watching my 534th historical event in real time wondering if i should make my mortgage payment

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

Is it me or are we all like "ok. what now?"

hey i logged off for two days did anything irreversible and life changing happen

Who wants to hang out and just cry together?

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

If your battery life is always at 69%, you're doing social media right.

Had a lovely chill evening with my @jez1.bsky.social per usual. She has a way of telling me the truth in the kindest manner all while entertaining the masses.

Can we normalize thigh-high socks?

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

The percentage of people who just don't want to be best friends is so close to 100 you could hear two special little bracelets I made drop

Please respect my privacy while I hit a curb.

Tragic news from the yardstick factory. Turns out, they're not making them any longer

My eyes are tired, but my mind is wired.

When hands burst out of my eyes, please know I have chosen to claw myself free of my skin from the top.

Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.

This day in history. 1756. English actress, poet, and playwright Eliza Haywood died, and was buried in the churchyard of St Margaret's Westminster in a grave that remains unmarked until one of you coughs up her death duties don't look at me I just settled Oscar Wilde's account at Tabac du Palais.

At this point, zoning back in is not an option.

my superpower is inspiring people to talk while i’m talking

Okay, maybe that wasn't my last straw, but I have 3 to 4 straws left at most, so you better watch out.

Time to start fighting the real enemy: Big Potato.

do you think John Wilkes Booth said “call it in the air” right before he pulled the trigger

This isn’t the life Godzilla wanted for me

never ask your girlfriends dad if you can get married, cause he might say yes and then it takes forever to get divorced from him

May I suggest you not be so fucking dumb

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music Cop: what song? Me: I'd rather not say Cop: what song?!? Me: I saw the sign

Hate it when someone rings my doorbell because then I have to drop everything I'm doing to be quiet and pretend I'm not home.

sorry I wouldn’t join your group chat, I am not that kind of girl (social)

Lady and the Tramp a hot dog with me

Some things are easier screamed in your head than done.

Got botox on my handwriting to restore its legible youth and it looks like we get born with perfect little angel wingdings

The primal urge to eat cereal before bed

life is just doing dishes and laundry until you feel the sweet embrace of death

Lee Harvey Oswald Cobblepot

I'm the realist motherfucker in this ball pit.

i didn’t get a high five at the gallows, got left hanging

I see that you're still obsessed with me

"I want my skeleton to be on the outside." You mean like an exoskeleton? "No, I mean like in nature."

I have to remember to wait until people tell me an actual date before I say I can't go . . . always have had trouble with that.

Every ad now

Lighting in a bottle is my stage name

Paying my therapist extra if she can guess my darkest thoughts in a rousing game of charades

Fuck Calgon, I need the woke mob to take me away.

look, dancing with my pants down in front of the Arby’s might not be the best way to earn money but at least I’m my own boss

Sorry to get radical but I don’t think it’s my job or yours to embrace, accept, understand - and certainly not to use - the thing being sold to us as AI. I don’t like any part of it, so I won’t. I’m missing out? Good, that’s what I want. You’re worried about me missing out? That’s fuckin weird, man.

love means telepathy. do better.

my therapist called your therapist and we all agreed that you should apologize to me