Jorts so short you catch a little glimpse of side-sack.

I find you extremely attractive, what’s wrong with you?

Your silence frightens me so much more than anything you could possibly have to say.

I think I'm gonna start a podcast because I'm not nearly annoying enough

shout out to all the forklift certified folks out there and their official slogan “when i’m not driving this thing i’m out of my mind on psychedelics” may your new third eye pilot you through the warehouses of the seventh dimension

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Rev. Ravenscrof has been relaxing at the *spa retreat. He gets lots of **sun, and sips ***cognac in the ****aviary. He sends his love. God bless. *psych hospital **electro shock ***liquid Xanax ****rubber room

I'm usually not the type to make the first move, but I have been flirting with the sweet embrace of death.

the high cost of bouncy castles is largely due to inflation

just realized that at my age I will be tired for the rest of my life

*sings Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game to a Costco sheet cake.

All right, all right, all right

Sleep battle! Tonight! Don't be late!

Honestly, I have no fuckin idea why anybody is following me at this point.

Some of you have never read I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, and it shows

I’ve been going back and listening to Led Zeppelin albums in order. I know this will be a controversial take, but I think they were a very good band.

oh no i wasted my youth

Most people will never experience unconditional love. Whether they want to admit it or not, there are conditions. They may not even be aware of them, but they’re there.

We so stressed we don’t even care there’s aliens.

If McDonald's were to sponsor an indoor sports venue, then they could call it the McArena and the crowd would be all 'Hey McArena (ay)'. Actually this is a terrible idea. Keep scrolling.

The best revenge is stealing the rotating plate from their microwave

Lost another girl to a guy who knows how to tie lots of different knots

This day in history. 2021. Argentinian right-wing news channel Canal 26 reported that an English poet named William Shakespeare had died after receiving a covid-19 vaccination. They probably meant William Wordsworth.

Walk right on out before the ending so it'll last forever. It's the same principle as just jumping when the elevator is falling to get crashed, you exist in the moments you've created even if your myth was busted

They're lucky if there is one witness to a murder, but they require two at a wedding, so that tells you which is more dangerous.

I'll send a telegram since maybe her phone is on mute but maybe I don't know if we can even send... STOP She's a dreamscape with Stella building marshmallow sand castles with a coffee can... sToP I give up I'm sad I'm boring so I can't can for her dumping me... stop Can we still send telegrams?

If we knew all the codes we could get all the messages and maybe get something out of everything but instead we evolved how to get ahead of ourselves I meant to just tap out sweet morse code nothings

It’s important to be kind and to help when you can, but that doesn’t mean everyone has a right to your time.

Interpretive dance, for when you don’t have an answer to a question

Someone to lock in with.

Is it just me but are Kevin Bacon, Ethan Hawke and Josh Brolin all aging into one person?

WWJD for a Klondike bar?

The fake ads in the print edition are the best lol

“It is by will alone, I set my mind in motion,” I say, as I knock back 2 shots of rum.

my watch keeps congratulating me for standing up I don’t know if it’s being sarcastic or what

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

You come to me, on the day of my son's wedding, which I am not attending

Alexa, play "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock... R.I.P. Rob Base. 🙏

Rob Base, one-half of Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock, who was best known for the hit “It Takes Two,” has died. He was 59

My sex tape is just me slow dancing with a wet mop and crying for 3 hours

Look, all I'm saying is if some bitch wanted to prick my finger so I could sleep uninterrupted for a few years I wouldn't be all that mad about it

Scrotum worship is sackreligious.

It's only raining dogs today. The cats stayed inside.

is there a way to get more followers which doesn't involve being any good?

I'll fly the coop when I get enough chickens for liftoff

Is that butter? No it's ghee. Oh thanks for clarifying