I wanna go back to when the only ice I wanted to scream about was ice cream.

It's not even a wonder why aliens don't talk to us.

Radical fuckin idea but maybe we let ppl find enjoyment however they can because everything sucks

Thought I heard a breeze but it was just the wind.

One day you’re young and cool and the next you’re eating coleslaw for dessert.

Why does my boss say goodbye like it’s a bad thing?

I don’t know about you guys but I’m having a hard time celebrating International Bubble Bath Day with all this shit going on.

The best part about going to the gym isn’t the lifting of weights but the listening of music.

How to not waste time 1. If youre reading this you already fucked it

I say it’s time to start arresting tornadoes and stop letting them off with warnings.

Live, laugh, launch a revolution

To this day, I’m still proud that I can spell beautiful correctly

there's wagging the dog and then there's grabbing the dog by the tail and swinging it around like it's indiana jones' whip

Have you tried screaming louder?

my imaginary boyfriend Walter is being super irritating today smacking his gum in my ear so I put toothpaste in his Oreos AITA

I feel like I need a boyfriend to skeet about so I’m finna make one up his name is Walter and he brings me coffee every morning and always buys the right tampons

dishes are the laundry of the kitchen

Rage baiting my 6 year old by responding with “your mom” when she asks me a question.

Ordered Chinese takeaway by phone. Told them “love you bye” at the end of the call. Eeeekkk

But has anyone considered that most normal folk won’t want to visit whilst you're in thrall to fascism?

I inherited my offbeat sense of humour from my dad, he was always telling jokes and saying really funny things like ‘you’re adopted, just fuck off already’. What a great guy.

Life is a highway… lots of shit on the side of the road.

Royal Commission into I bought it yesterday by the way I think your cup's full

There’s a lot of bleak news, but let’s celebrate ending the war on saturated fat.

Not in a “Klaatu barada nikto” mood.

Sorry I got medieval when we were playing UNO.

after a shitty day took the dog out in the pouring rain and now he’s doing zoomies all over the house and I guess what I’m saying is get yourself a dog

Some good Canadian rock and roll for ya from The Matthew Good Band. music.youtube.com/watch?v=rlvQ...

Welcome to Minneapolis, where for the first time ever ICE poses more of a risk to your safety than ice.

1/3🧵

Still holding out for a dating app that allows me to force suitors to duel to the death

The best part about going to the gym isn’t the lifting of weights but the listening of music.

Thanks to all who posted beautiful things with Alt Text tonight. It's a welcome distraction and I appreciate your effort.

Please observe this practice.

we should all be chill and remember that not everyone has the exact same sense of humor (mine is the correct one though)

I can’t swallow my pride I’m on a diet

Trying out a new parking lot for lunch. It's crunchy.

The cruelty is more than the point, it's a sacred obligation to these freaks🧵

crazy coincidence that ai isn’t being used to empower women

kid: I feel funny, mom mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school son

if anyone defending them can’t explain this and 100% say this triangle was closed they need to stfu and be removed from office opportunity / \ / \ / \ capability - - - - - - intent

Timeline cleanse. Wake n’ bake!

I wanna go back to when the only ice I wanted to scream about was ice cream.

People think lions or bears are the toughest animals to fight but I think it’s a zebra. They’ve got more black belts than anyone.

don’t call it lower case when betabet is right there

death by a thousand cat kickies

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

do pirates have “talk like a land lubber day”