Luckily my cars alignment is good. This allows hands free driving so i can air drum.

That "sexual situations" warning at the beginning of a show can sure let you down.

Today I choked on cough medicine

fun game to play outside is “Guess Which bird shat that shit”

al dante? perfect!

Being head over heels is literally just standing up regular-style

Over the hill and rapidly rolling down the otherside

Him: where are all the coffee filters? Me:

my heeling journey’s going downhill* *takes off heelies*

I honestly just go the renaissance fair to see boobs.

did you know you can get super stoned like people in the movies

Board of Peace: We also think epic fury sends the right message

strugglefuck and chill.

today is just stupid i wish i could hug each of you irl

If the world is going to end in fire it’s okay to say if you have a crush on me

Monster under my bed is getting bullied by the one in my closet ffs

i see what others don’t

Beemo says happy sundog

Them: but why are you so angry? Me: *starts hissing*

✨🛸

Style examples I work in for a new pin 🧷

Caturday Night Live

Pop Music Fun Fact: I was the boy referred to in the hit song "Let's Hear It For the Boy" from the movie "Footloose"

Used a volume-enhancing shampoo and now my hair won’t fucking shut up.

Prescription goose honk cancelling headphones

Emojis are the hieroglyphs of a society that lost its way.

I wanted to surprise my friends attending this year’s Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Ball by decorating the hall before they all arrived but unfortunately everyone came early.

Is it drink less beer? It's drink less beer, isn't it?

It looks like dissociating with an alternate reality videogame is a solid choice, actually

Not bad for a figment.

Frog Fact: Frog's hearts are full of magic and whismy

Okay, yep. Consider my mind changed.

Adding lexicon to my lexicon

buttered sourdough bread with butter dinner

got a haircut last night and now my ears are cold why is life so hard

All this just to fuck you up a bit more before the time change

I yawned and sneezed at the same time, and I’m pretty sure I saw a portal to another dimension.

I think if my cat could speak, she would say motherfucker a whole lot.

hear me out, a White House that puts as much time into creating battle plans as it does creating memes

Horrifying if literal: a coat of arms

sometimes I just wanna log on and post a bad take but I never have any 😔

unclench my jaw so all of my teeth can fall out no thank you

sorry, I won't be able to make our plans, both kitties are snuggling with me in bed

everyone likes me except for joe mama

rip Henry viii you’d have loved McDonald’s chicken sandwich

please stop posting stuff that significantly bums me out

i am constantly insulted on this platform

*sensing a single loose hair somewhere on my body* I am superhuman

If anyone has old family photos of Eagles before they went bald I’d love to see them.